Young Video game design major looking to make my imagination known to all and to make others happy.
The last Human has been transported to Equestria after a long war that eradicated his species. As a brony, he knows the world he has been placed in very well. Adjusting to this new society will be hard but in the end, he knows he will finally be happy. But how long can he keep his dark past a secret.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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i know why they dislike the story it is jsut wee bit orginal i will not dislike but i will leave this if you keep
so please make something intreasting
4424476
No, the reason I disliked it is because it's poorly written. There's very little that is original here but that's another point.
I Only dislike Because your Grammar Is Bad.
Try to fix it and you will get alot of likes !
And do a Spell-Checker.It is usefull.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/329/3/b/creepy_pinkie_pie_by_silverlininggirl-d6vm6qf.png
poorly written hmm yeah when i look at it It kinda is...A TREE IS SAPPING MAH LAWN
but i will like this soon
Thank you all for your feedback and I will work on my grammar and writing skills. It seems some people like it so I will continue the story as to not disappoint anyone. I will however have someone proof read it and see how it holds up, so its not as poorly written as this chapter. Lets see how long this takes!
I think its very promising. It just needs a proof reader
Im liking this story so far. Sure its rough around the edges but I like the story. I mean its your first fanfiction Im not expecting perfection.
ehmm Xcom? i dont know
Great to see you again man. It's been a while. But hey, when I like a fan fiction, the wait is worth it. :)
So after a quick read of this chapter this is what I've noticed:
1.) Aliums. I'm pretty new to FiMFic cliches so I won't give you shit about that. What irks me about the whole situation is it's never really explained or described in any detail. Actually when I look back at it there's NO detail in this story.
2.) Premise. You briefly mention the vague triumphs of humanity, but nothing about our protagonist besides his family is dead and he's conveniently a brownie. I know we're supposed to put ourselves in the protagonist's shoes, but the story isn't engaging. I'll assume it gets better.
3.) Twilight. Why would she help a creature that she believes could pose a threat to all of Equestria? I understand you want to be cautious around an alien, but being this blunt about it is just obtuse. She then invites the same alien to her new castle? Let's think about this for a second, if you're bold enough to interrogate the "evil space man" (I think this is what you're going for since he randomly fell out of the sky) when does it become a smart idea to introduce yourself, tell them where they exactly are, and mention your castle? And she obviously has no regard for her friends as she throws him on Fluttershy, who says NOTHING and just goes with it. Is Twilight supposed to be this incompetent for the sake of the story?
4.) The Protagonist. As the reader we're obviously going to know where things are because of the show, but shouldn't that raise at least one eyebrow? And I see we're going to be a softie who is supposed to just shrug everything off. If somebody assumed you were a killer without even talking to you, wouldn't that raise some concerns with you? It's not normal to take everything with good strides and I hope this story won't be plagued with this.
5.) Lastly, please find a proofreader for any of the future stories you plan to release to ensure some form of readability.
All in all, your premise is set up poorly and your story suffers from this. Your characters come off as sheep: one-dimensional, take whatever is thrown at them, and are contradictory. This would have worked better as a greentext because there is absolutely nothing in here that promises a fun or interesting story.
Sorry if I didn't explain something the way you wanted me to and it just comes off as me complaining. I accidently deleted my actual analysis of the complete work along with some tips and after rereading this single chapter for the sixth time I honestly don't feel like rewriting all of it.
4895041 Well thank you for your feed back.I can see now many of my mistakes you have pointed out. Like you may see in the comments this is my first time writing, at all. Well I can learn from this and I will iron out the story. This is just an Idea I needed to let out, wrote most chapters in one night. Seeing as it is something I want to keep doing, I might one day make it into a Visual Novel but with a better story of course.