“Are you Miss… Rainbow Dash?” The royal guard came out the train as it stopped outside Ponyville.
“Yes I am, why… are you here, there really is no need. I could have just gotten on the train by myself.” The Guard came up to Rainbow Dash and nodded slightly.
“I’ve been sent here to escort you to the Wonderbolts themselves.” The voice was stern and deep, it sent chills down Rainbow’s spine.
“Well, that’s nice. But, can you give me a minute? I need to do something important.” The guard nodded and waited before he said anything.
“Miss Rainbow Dash, once you go to Canterlot, you might not be coming back” The guard said this with a very serious tone, it upset Rainbow.
“Why? Can’t I come back after the reunion?” The guard shook his head and passed over a letter to Rainbow. The letter read; To Rainbow Dash. You have been invited to join the Wonderbolts themselves, along with going on tour with them across Equestria.
Rainbow should have been happy, but she was sad that she might not get to see her friends ever again. It was upsetting to know that she would never get to see Applejack again.
--------------------
-Two days earlier-
“Applejack, you got a minute?” Rainbow walked into the barn that Applejack was in, it was warm and well built. Rainbow looked over to Applejack, who had a worried expression her face.
Applejack looked away from Rainbow Dash, her tone was sad. “I’m sorry Rainbow, I shouldn’t have done that to you, it was stupid of me to think you would actually like me in that way” Rainbow walked over to Applejack and put a hoof on her shoulder.
“Applejack, this hasn’t done anything to our friendship. You expressed your feelings, there was nothing wrong in that… I’m not that sure about my own sexuality yet, so if you wanted… we could… try and see if we could work this out?” Applejack raised her head and looked at Rainbow; she had a gentle smile on her face and was holding onto her shoulder.
Just then, it caught Applejack by surprise. Rainbow kissed Applejack. It was comfortable and soft, they both closed their eyes and enjoyed the time they spend with each other, and it was making both Applejack and Rainbow’s cheeks burn up.
Rainbow pulled out from the kiss and hugged onto Applejack, their coats were soft and they both enjoyed every moment they spent together. Rainbow thought on breaking the silence. “I’m willing to try anything Applejack” Applejack just walked away from Rainbow and laid down on the ground.
Applejack motioned for Rainbow to come over and lay with her for the night. “Its getting dark Rainbow, maybe you should stay here with me?” Rainbow looked outside and saw the sun slowly edging down the sky, Rainbow nodded, walked over and laid next to Applejack.
Applejack took off her hat and put it on Rainbow, then they kissed again, they got more used to it the more they did it. Rainbow was still unsure of her own sexuality, was she a lesbian? Was she bisexual? Only time would tell, they were hugging each other softly and calmly.
Rainbow nuzzled Applejack and stared at her coat, they both felt comfortable beside each other... but Rainbow was still concerned at how she felt about Applejack. Rainbow continued cuddle Applejack, they both fell asleep on the barn floor shortly after nuzzling each other.
Rainbow never felt happier…
---------------------
The birds were chirping and the morning was bright, Applejack woke up from her deep sleep. She suddenly remembered what she did last night. She was happy that Rainbow was able to see it in her perspective instead of being judgmental like most ponies were.
“Rainbow, how did you sle-” She cut her self off when she looked up and around the barn, Rainbow was nowhere to be found. She stood up and looked back down at the floor that Rainbow laid on.
On the floor was a note, she looked down to read it. “To Applejack, I had to leave you… I need time to think, it’s nothing about you… It’s me, please understand. Don’t look for me.”
~~~ Rainbow Dash.”
Applejack’s heart died down in speed as she read the note, it was upsetting to know that she may have done something wrong. She started to sob quietly, she dimmed her head down, noticing that something fell off her head. It was her hat.
Rainbow left her in the barn, her not knowing when she left or why. She thought that the only way to solve this problem was to avoid it. Applejack sat down in the barn, sobbing quietly to herself.
She head small clopping sounds coming from outside the barn, it sounded as if somepony was about to walk in. Suddenly the barn door opened and a red stallion walked in and up to Applejack.
“Applejack? What are you doing here?” Applejack noticed that it was her brother, Big Macintosh.
“Nothing big brother, I just want to be alone right now.” In trotted a filly, she ran up to Applejack and hugged her tightly.
“Big sister, what are you doing in the barn again… why was Rainbow Dash leaving the barn this morning?” Suddenly Applejack’s head looked up to Applebloom; she had a small smile on her face.
“She left this morning? Ya mean… she actually stayed here all night?” Applejack was happy to know that Rainbow laid next to her all night.
“All night? Sister, what’s going on with you lately?” Applebloom let go of Applejack and stood there waiting for her question to be answered.
“Fine, I’ll tell y’all…" Applejack was finding it hard to say what her true feelings were. Applejack knew she was confident enough to say it, but the more she stuttered, the harder it was to say. "I’m... a lesbian” Both Big Mac’s and Applebloom’s mouth swayed open. Applejack wanted to hide her true feelings, but digging them deeper, only made them want to come out more.
“That’s right... I’m... in love... with Rainbow Dash.” Applebloom just hugged Applejack and smiled.
Applejack decided she would hug her back, knowing that her family supports her sexuality. “Oh big sister, we never cared if you were into mares. You’re our family and we support you though everything that we can” Applebloom’s words reached a place in Applejacks heart that made her feel warm inside.
--------------------
Twilight heard a knock on her door as she was reading a book on the old magic spells of Canterlot archives. She opened the door with magic. Rainbow came in with a big smile on her face. “Rainbow, where were you? I was getting worried about you.”
Rainbow just walked over to Twilight and hugged her kindly and emotionally. “I talked with Applejack, I may have gone a bit too fast with her, don’t worry we never did anything private… we only… kissed.” Twilight suddenly grew a massive smile on her face.
“That’s amazing Rainbow, I’m so happy for you, but… why are you not with her right now.” Rainbow suddenly remembered why she left the barn to come here.
Rainbow sighed “I’m not sure that what I did was the right thing to do, Twilight, I’m not sure of my own sexuality. Applejack may be right for me, but I’m still worried that I made the wrong choice” Twilight suddenly frowned and placed a hoof on Rainbow.
“Rainbow, you can’t be so judgmental about yourself, give it time. I’m sure what your feeling is natural.” Rainbow smiled and hugged Twilight; it was comfortable for them both.
“Are you sure about this Twilight, I don’t want to lose Applejack as a friend, yet I don’t want to mess things up with my own life too.” Twilight just nodded and walked back to the book she was reading.
“So what you reading there Twilight?” Twilight floated the book over to Rainbow and showed her the cover. “Dragon ages” Rainbow read out the title, it sounded like some sort of action book focused around Dragons.
“Yeah, Princess Celestia gave it to me not long ago, I wanted to research about Dragons, so she gave me this book.” Rainbow just walked over to the couch and laid on it. Despite it being the morning, and despite her sleeping an entire night with Applejack, she was tired.
Spike came through from the door frame that led to their bedroom. Spike yawned and looked over to Twilight. “Hey Twilight, can I go out to Sugar Cube Corner?” Twilight turned round to look over at Spike.
“What for? You don’t really have any bits do you?” Spike pulled out a sack of bits from no where. Twilight took them from his hand and looked inside the pouch. There was roughly thirty bits in the sack, Twilight looked at Spike.
“I know what you’re going to ask Twilight, so let me answer it. I’m working at Sugar Cube Corner with Pinkie.” Twilight just shrugged and gave the sack back to Spike.
“That’s good; I guess… when did you find the time to work there though?” Spike just sighed.
“I’ve been going out at night to help Pinkie, the reason I’m asking you now is because I don’t want to keep this secret and also the fact that I’ll earn more during the day.” Twilight would normally have been sceptical about this, but because she knew that Spike was no longer a baby, she let it slip by.
Twilight walked over to Spike and put a hoof on his shoulder, “Spike, I won’t stop you from doing what you think you should do, the library may need cleaned. But if you want to earn bits and work, I’m not going to argue.” Spike grew a smile on his face.
Spike hugged Twilight tightly. He never hugged her like that before. Twilight never expected him to hug her, but she just returned the hug to carry on the emotional state.
Spike was happy he was finally able to reason with Twilight, instead of her being so defendant. Spike never felt happier during the hug, they lost track of time and Twilight looked at a clock on the wall.
“Spike, are you to be at Sugar Cube Corner by a specific time?” Spike opened his eyes and pulled back off Twilight, he looked at the clock and ran towards the door.
Twilight opened the door with magic and Spike stopped before he ran out. “Uh… yeah, I hope I make it in time!” Spike ran out the door and Twilight shut it behind him.
“That was really nice Twi, you seem to be working things out with Spike” Twilight turned round to see Rainbow sitting up on the couch.
Twilight walked over to Rainbow Dash and hugged her, Rainbow pulled back for a second, but she just decided to hug Twilight back. “Thanks Rainbow, you’re too kind… after all, Spike is getting older, and I can’t deny that”
Twilight stopped hugging Rainbow and walked back to her desk. Rainbow followed her. Twilight noticed Rainbow following her and turned round to ask what she wanted. “Rainbow, is there anything you… need?”
“Yeah, I’m wondering if I should take off this brace, would it be okay if I tried to see if my wings are healthy again?” Twilight just nodded, but without hesitation, she used her magic to take off the brace and all its bindings.
Rainbow looked at her wings and stretched them slowly, she flapped them after wards. Then she looked over to Twilight who was watching her wings closely. “Should I try flying?” Rainbow asked this with worry in her tone; she never wanted to fly before her wing healed up.
Twilight never said anything and she just walked over to Rainbow and stretched her wing with her magic. Twilight was inspecting her wing to see if it seemed suitable to fly. “I think it would be okay for you to fly, but don’t blame me if you can’t, I’m not a doctor here.” Twilight just smiled at Rainbow.
Rainbow started to flap her wings at flying speed. She eventually started floating on the spot. Once she started floating, she moved around the library and started flying around the interior.
Rainbow came down from her flight and tucked her wings in to their casual position. “So I guess you can fly after all Rainbow, I recommend you don’t over use them though, they might not be fully healed yet. You flying and all of a sudden your winged cramped? That would kill you!”
Rainbow nodded and headed back to the couch she was recently sleeping on. After a couple minutes, Rainbow fell asleep on the couch again while Twilight was reading more of the Dragon book she got from Celestia.
Twilight just studied for a couple hours before deciding to stop for today. She floated the book onto a shelf in the library, went up to her bedroom and pulled out a book from under her bed. It was her diary. It was still early in the day, so she decided just to write in it to pass the time.
--------------------
Twilight opened her eyes slowly; she looked down to her chest to see her diary on her. Twilight pulled up the diary and closed it, then she placed it under her bed with her hooves.
She got up out of her bed and looked out the window, it was almost sundown. Twilight heard creaking from the stairs behind her, Spike walked in, he looked tired. “Spike, where have you been?”
Spike just looked at Twilight with an awkward look. “I was working for Pinkie, remember? Well anyway, I worked for a couple hours and I’m exhausted.” Spike then threw a pouch of money on the table next to his bed.
“Can I have a look at how much you got in there?” Twilight was only concerned. Spike walked over to the table and grabbed the pouch and gave it to Twilight.
“Sure, go ahead. I know you won’t do anything with the money anyway.” What Spike stated was true, Twilight was only eager to know. Twilight went downstairs and went up to her desk and emptied the pouch.
“20… 40… 60… Wow Spike has more than a hundred bits here. One hundred and… thirty four.” Twilight was shocked at how much he was getting paid for doing a small job. She became even more concerned about what he was doing to earn so many bits.
“Yo Twilight, what were you counting?” Twilight turned round to see Rainbow walking up to her.
“Oh nothing Rainbow, it’s just Spikes earnings from working at Sugar Cube Corner.” Rainbow never had any expression on her.
“He earns that much? That’s a lot of bits for a small job you know?” Twilight placed a hoof on her chin.
“I guess so, but why would he lie to me about earning money? Well… maybe he just worked for a while; he did say he went out secretly to work there. Maybe he has been doing it for a while now?” Rainbow just nodded and looked up to the bedroom.
“Is he asleep?” Rainbow only wanted to continue their conversation.
Twilight just shrugged and trotted past Rainbow to the middle of the library. “I hope you don’t mind me rearranging my books?” Twilight started to lift all the books and float them towards her. They were put in a neat pile in the shape of a rectangle.
“Nah, I don’t mind. Just try not to wake Spike if he is sleeping.” Twilight nodded in return and just started studying the covers of all the books in the library. Rainbow walked up the stairs to check on Spike, he was lying in his bed.
Twilight was floating all of her books back in to their original places when she noticed that there was an opened package on the table. She walked over to it and took out what was in it.
Rainbow came out the bedroom to notice Twilight holding the Wonderbolts goggles in her hooves. “Rainbow, when did you get these?” Rainbow flew down to get to Twilight faster.
“I can’t really remember, I think about two days ago, I was given it by Spitfire… well she send it, I got the package from Ditsy Doo.” Twilight just put the goggles back in their case and walked over to Rainbow.
“You know that as a ritual, the Wonderbolts send parts of their costume to say that they have chosen a new pony to join them” Rainbow suddenly stood still, Twilight thought Rainbow knew because she studied them more.
“R-Really?” Rainbow looked over at Twilight with a big smile on her face.
“Uh… yes… you never knew, I thought you knew more about them than I did.” Rainbow was hopping in place, something Pinkie would do naturally.
“Well duh… I do know more about them than you do” Twilight then just rolled her eyes and trotted towards her desk. “The only reason I never knew this was because I don’t study Twilight.”
“Oh yeah… I forgot that, well anyway, shouldn’t you be getting some sleep? I mean… its getting dark you know?” Rainbow just trotted towards the couch she was sleeping on earlier.
“Twilight, I’ve already slept… a lot. Oh just so you know, I went out earlier to see Fluttershy.” Twilight never knew why Rainbow told her this, she though noting of it and just walked back to her desk with bits all over it.
Twilight packed up the bits in the pouch again and floated the pouch into the bedroom and onto the table. Twilight pulled out a book from the shelf with a bookmark in it. It was the book on Dragons.
“Well Rainbow, I’m probably not going to sleep for a while. I slept all day anyway.” Rainbow had a grin on her face as she replied to Twilight.
“I noticed” Rainbow then just got herself into a comfortable position on the couch.
--------------------
Applejack fell asleep on her bed, slowly… still thinking about Rainbow. So many questions to be answered, she needed more emotional support with Twilight… but she couldn’t face her after what Twilight saw her do to Rainbow….
--------------------
She saw Twilight hugging Rainbow Dash?
I'm not sure what to think of this chapter... It had a pretty rushed feeling to it.
In the other chapters you're showing a lot more; in this chapter it's mostly telling. It was, plainly put, pretty boring to read. I know others might disagree, but that's how I feel about this particular chapter. Most of the chapter being dialogue didn't really help either.
I'm too tired right now to point stuff out for constuctive criticism, but I'll get around to that tomorrow.
436476 Yeah, sorry about that... i had some tough times when writing this chapter... girlfriend leaving me and all, so can you forgive me?
~~~ MrDynasty
436446 Twilight saw Applejack kiss Rainbow Dash. Sorry if that may not have been clear, but i hope it makes sense... if not... you may need to read chapter 5 again.
~~~ MrDynasty
436679
Just read
;o
;o
;o
;o
;o
Im like... (Why dosen't Dash aask Spike for help?) <<<<<< + = Dragon Research Complete
>436476
II agree with the boring part.
Sorry Dynasty but I did find this boring
Alright, I promised I'd get round to constructive criticism; so here I go, I'll mostly put 'questions' up as to illustrate what you could've done with the scene other than what you did with it already:
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Rainbow pulled out from the kiss and hugged onto Applejack, their coats were soft and they both enjoyed every moment they spent together. Rainbow thought on breaking the silence. “I’m willing to try anything Applejack” Applejack just walked away from Rainbow and laid down on the ground.
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What kind of hug? What is she feeling during the hug? What kind of soft coat? Is it a pillowy-soft or a grass-soft? Breaking the silence? You didn't mention a silence beforehand; maybe illustrating that before mentioning it would give it more of an impact. Why does Applejack walk away; it seems like an unlogical thing to do when you've just found out you love someone? You mention lying down onto the ground, but later on you mention they're in the barn. Does this mean the barn doesn't have floorpanels? What kind of ground are they lying on then?
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Applejack motioned for Rainbow to come over and lay with her for the night. “Its getting dark Rainbow, maybe you should stay here with me?” Rainbow nodded and lay next to Applejack.
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Apperantly it's getting dark. Why not describe the decreasing light / increasing darkness seperately as told from AJ's perspective; let the thoughts of Rainbow staying run through her mind; then she could speak up?
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Applejack took off her hat and put it on Rainbow, then they kissed again, they got more used to it the more they did it. Rainbow was still unsure of her own sexuality, was she a lesbian? Was she bisexual? Only time would tell as they both fell asleep on the barn floor, they were hugging each other softly and calmly.
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She gave Rainbow her hat; just like that? What made her do that? She normally never takes off her hat; it seems like a strange thing to just put in there without any explanation on AJ's side (through thought of course; not through speech). Rainbow's uncertainty is just shoved aside with a simple line of questions? You could portray an entire 'war' inside her mind on the matter of her own insecurities; especially something as 'abnormal' (not my own opinion) as lesbianism. They were hugging 'softly and calmly'; you could explain the hug so much further; what's going on in their minds about eachother as they hug; are they uncomfortable with it or do they revell in the new sensations? They just hug and do nothing else? (not implying anything sexual by the way). Do they nuzzle, or observe one another?
I could quote many, many other pieces from the chapter where the same things apply. You're not really showing anything, you're more or less just putting the general happenings out there and leave us; the readers; with no parts to imagine or feel. The part which is nagging at me the most is probably AJ's 'confession' to Applebloom and Big Mac. It's as if she's not bothered by telling them whatsoever. She just puts it out there so bluntly as if it's the most normal thing in the world. I would see Applebloom as the -least- understanding person out of the two, to be honest; her being a filly and all and not really knowing much about loving someone; yet she's the one to comfort AJ about it? Of course, that's more of a personal view of character, you can have them do whatever you want in your story of course.
Anyway, that'll be it for now. I just took one scene with flaws that basically apply to the entire chapter; I hope you can work with it. If you feel offended in any way, please do tell. I didn't mean to, if that's the case.
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As a sidenote; the very last paragraph is pretty confusing.
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Applejack fell asleep on her bed, slowly… still thinking about Rainbow. So many questions to be answered, she needed more emotional support with Twilight… but she couldn’t face her after what she saw….
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'but she couldn't face her after what she saw': the grammatical structure of this sentence implies Applejack saw Twilight do something, but in the comments you mention that it's Twilight having seen something Applejack did. You might want to rephrase the sentence if that's the case, because if that's what you ment then this sentence doesn't bring that message across.
439131 I can see what you mean with most of these, but one main thing is the fact that this is my first story... ever written. It's not going to be 100% perfect in grammar or wordplay.
I might change round a couple things from your place, but i'm a lazy guy that... once finished with a project, just abandons it with no thoughts. I'm writing the story from my perspective, of how i see things, it may be unclear at some points, but this doesn't spoil the readers immersion with the story itself.
I never see these as offensive in any way, you're helping me with my ability's to write a good, readable story.
Thanks for all the support with it anyway, i'm going to go touch it up a little and maybe even replace some lines with what you wrote, if you don't mind. I'll try to find these points and put allot more of a description into them, some i cant do, like the part where AJ places her hat on RD, that was just out of pure instinct and it showed love an affection in the way that Applejack could easily show it.
Also, Applebloom comforting AJ was (In my opinion) the right thing to do, after all... after Season 2 Episode 17, Applebloom obviously knows the context of sexuality and relationships.
~~~ MrDynasty
439248
I know how hard it can be to write a story the way you want it to be and still make it work for the readers as well. I'm currently working on a fic of my own for about four weeks now; and it's close to completion after having deleted half the story several times because I just wasn't happy with it
Most important thing is to keep writing; always keep improving and it'll work out for sure
439476 You should never delete a story, just improve on it... countless times i've wanted to start over again, but instead just improved on what i have already.
~~~ MrDynasty
439486
I prefer to call it ''really large edit'' instead of ''delete'', but it's the same thing in the end
429470I can't, sorry
439248 ok, I'll read it later
439486
I just noticed.
Ur pic.
Everytime i look at it i get the goosebumps.
Thought it was real life.
Its not.
Y U PIC STARING AT ME :(
~fatalfail
^^^^ Twist nerd because I always start sentences Capital and full stop. Story or not story. :D
408822
lolwut.
If tht pic is a Pinkie one.
If she made Equestria... why is Celestia queen?
424003
I use gosh and celestia.
Most of the time though I try to avoid the saying: "Oh my (Insert some random thing that isin't god or isin't about MLP FiM here)
considering I'm a bit sleep deprived, I probably didn't catch the stuff the other people did
447577 I use that phrase a lot, I usually say it as o my sauce
Wait... AJ lost her hat when she kissed RD on Ponyville... how in tarnation she was able to put it on top of Rainbow's head at the beggining of the chapter?