Princess Twilight got a little more than she bargained for when she checked the weather team's progress. The weather team was making excellent progress, but two mysterious creatures appeared. One had caramel hair streaked with purple. It wore a pink shirt, odd bottoms, and weird red shoes. Suddenly, her bright blue eyes opened and she muttered,"Cmtr?" As it looked at the other, who had a... Coat? A few shades darker than its companion. It had curly hair atop its head and it slowly opened its brown eyes. It wore a blue shirt like the Flim-Flam brothers', and its bottom half had something similar to the other's, but tan, along with slip-on shoes that didn't look formal.
"What the heck?" It groaned, rubbing its head.
"Excuse me. My name is Twilight Sparkle. What are you're names?" Asked Twilight.
"Sadie. Sadie Kane." Muttered the one in pink.
"Carter Kane." Replied the one in blue. He inspected the ponies around him. Sharpnote's red mane and tail, blue music cutie mark, Animal Team vest, intense blue eyes, and purple horn. Snowdust's silver mane and tail tipped in a royal blue, Weather Team vest, wispy snowflake cutie mark, crystal blue eyes, and metallic blue wings. Twilight's indigo mane and tail with a pink and purple streak, blue, green, and tan All Team Organizer, magenta star cutie mark, alicorn wings, horn and purple coat. Rarity's purple curls, diamond cutie mark, sapphire eyes, and white horn. Rainbow Dash's scruffy rainbow coloured mane and tail, tricoloured lightning bolt cutie mark, Pegasus wings, and ruby eyes. Applejack's blond mane and tail tied at the ends with red elastics, forest-coloured eyes, apple cutie mark, and orange coat. Pinkie Pie's dark pink bouncy mane and tail, blue Weather Team vest, balloon cutie mark, sky-coloured eyes, and pink coat. Fluttershy's long pink mane and tail, butterfly cutie mark, feathered wings, aqua eyes, and tan Animal team vest. All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie dashed off in the direction of Sugar Cube Corner.
"What's she doing?" Asked Sadie.
"Don't ask." Groaned Twilight. "She's just being Pinkie Pie."
"So, sh-" Sadie broke off as Pinkie showed up again, still in her Winter Wrap-Up skates, with an extravagant cart.
"Welcome, welcome, welcome,
A fine welcome to you!
Welcome, welcome, welcome
I say how do you do?
Welcome, welcome, welcome,
I say hip, hip, hooray!
Welcome, welcome, welcome
To Ponyville today~! Wait for it!..." We waited a little bit until some confetti flew into our faces and cake batter globbed onto us. "Whoops~! I must've put the confetti in the oven and the cake batter in the confetti cannons-AGAIN!" Pinkie quirked. Carter gaped at her optimism. He must be very pessimistic, thought Twilight. If Pinkie's enthusiasm surprises him. But then again, she is really quirky... Pinkie's voice broke the Princess of Friendship out of her trance. "Oh my gosh! I should make it up to you later! I need..." She rushed off as the lavender Alicorn reminded her that it was still Winter Wrap-Up Day, with little success, and sighed deeply.
"Well, everypony, let's welcome spring."
OoO
After a half hour, Pinkie raced out of Sugar Cube Corner, an envelope in hoof for everypony, and handed them out. Carter and Sadie opened theirs and read through it.
"Come to Sugar Cube Corner @ 8, I have a super-duper-awesome-fun surprise for you... Hm." Twilight instantly knew what the surprise was, but double-checked to be sure. As expected, inside her envelope was a piece of paper with WAY too much glitter on it, but it clearly read "party at Sugar Cube Corner" in blue.
058394829529484738384748483848
At 8:00, Twilight and her friends guided the pair through the Ponyville streets until the 5 unicorns, 2 pegasi, earth pony and Alicorn arrived at Sugar Cube Corner, and, together, stepped into the local bakery and restaurant.
A loud "SURPRISE!" Was heard across the sweet shop's waiting area. Carter looked on as his blue face broke out into an insane grin.
"This is AMAZING!" Screamed the creature. He proceeded to zip across the store's reception area to the snack table, stuffed his face with junk food, and worked it off on the dance floor.
This is happening more and more often. Before I begin I'm sorry if I offend you these are just my opinions. Great plot horrible first chapter. Here's a few reasons why.
Indenting, OH CELESTIA how hard is it to indent your paragraphs, look at any published book it has indented paragraphs. Try to do that.
Backstory, you need a prologue for your prologue. Where'd they come from, how'd they get there. You need to have it explained not just have it happen.
Huh?, these are the moments that don't make sense. How does one of the sibling break down have Pinkie sing a song end up at suger cube corner and just be fine with the surprise party?
Okay, you've got a great original idea but your not going about it right. Have what's happening before they get there, don't make them immediately accept what's happening. Pretty much you could've done a lot better and you need an editor/proofreader. I really like your idea and if you want to I would be happy to edit/proofread for you, just PM me and if you've gotten this far i can tell you I've given you the first like.
Till the next one
-R
Uh...
The cover art and description give an apt description of this story, I suppose in this case you can judge a book by it's cover.
4722048
There's no button for that. I'm on mobile.
Stay tuned for this improvement
the first part takes place at... Prob noonish. Which means there are at least 8 hours between Sadie's comment on Carter's clothes and the party. Also, one of the sibling.
PAECE
THIS IS CREEPY!