Generic-Violet
Joined 26th Nov, 2012 ·
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A great story based off my own fanfiction. I can't wait to see what happens to Shimmer and Violet. I also wonder if Star Seeker will have a shot with either of them since I am sure Violet will be less than willing at first. Keep up the good work.
Hmmm looking this over, gotta say, a great start. I hope to see more good chapters in the future ^_^
This is amazing
Keep it up 
I am glad to help out with this chapter. I would ask questions, but I think i will wait till the next part of this chapter to do so or just ask directly.
nice chapter ^^
Okay. Im going to be blunt. This story is set up for failure and not because its 'OMG raep!'.
One. If I am reading this correctly, these two are Night Guards. Luna’s personal Body Guards at that. Investigation or not, these two are trained military warriors. Against a single mare with outdate magic and a superiority complex.
what?
Two. I cant tell what happen at the end of the chapter one. Is one of the mares already in the group? How exactly did she get caught and nopony said a word of her disappearance?
Which leads me to part 2 of 2. How exactly is Schorl is suppose to get away with the fact they she captured two Guards that report directly to the Princess. Given the simple fact that they are investigating an active investigation for dangerous artifacts, wouldn't this have some priority to Princess Luna’s eyes, and if not, the leading Commanding Officer in charge of them? Wouldnt this lead them directly to the 'star' himself since he was in view of the Night Guard in the first place?
If you try to spin it that the CO is a part of it, its a cop out and you know it.
"Captain save me!"
"Nah bitch, suck my dick."
Really. Whats the point of reading these types of the stories if no one ever thinks through every action and the consequences of said action?
And even if Schorl finds out that they are really are Night Guards. How exactly is she suppose to stay hidden when the entire Night Guard begins to look more closely at not just the pony who was the lead suspect, but everyone he meets. How can she keep this under wraps? Push money? Captain takes tge money and calls it closed, but what about the hundreds of other guards? What will they think if the investigation is closed and they are still missing two Night Guards?
Really man, I gave the same beef to Schorl about this and some others has said the same thing about the story.
what is the point of reading if there is no conflict, just pain and misery with decent amount of clop that has major turn off when you realize that it has nothing to bring it up and give hope to the characters in freedom?
Most people stuck in such situations kill themselves to get awat, even a few days in they will destroy themselves to make it stop. Not a good end but one I will definitely will choose if I know there is no escape. I rather die than live that life.
so yeah.
Im a killjoy.
4402129 a few things I can explain.
One Violet's rank and job are explained in chapter two, she is part of a flawed system of trust where certain officers get allowed to work cases in their own ways and report when they want to in order to give them freedom of working how they want to. how ever that being said they do have a month deadline to report in but until that time they miss a deadline no one is exactly going to look for them.
The rumors about the dangerous artifacts is a very loose rumor which is only being investigated loosely without much resources being used since there isn't much evidence to support the rumor in the first place, but it is being investigated as a precaution even if there isn't any solid evidence.
Now one thing that you may not have noticed is Violet was being foolish, she didn't sleep and was already fatigued, Shimmer on the other hand is trained to be a spell user but due to maintaining two high level spells for as long as she did, caused her to run out of stamina and leaving her unable to focus enough to use magic and besides it the whole part about out dated magic is kind of silly, Let me give you this example, a club designed 1000 years 500 years and today will all do the same thing and knock someone out or worse, so it is fair to say a sleep spell will also work since it was designed to knock out a target.
And as for no conflict there will be conflict you have read one chapter by the sounds of things at most one and a half, I am not really sure how you can say there is no conflict when there is not enough of it yet, I have planned this story out and have done my best in doing so and I will say this, it isn't designed to be a clopfic it is designed to be a sad grim story.
4402308
And the ending of chapter one? Whats the deal with the mistress deal?
Really. This type of story is poor and insulting.
the reasons alone you mention only add to this. Really. A score of things that worked against them and that is the only reason they got capture?
So there is no ending where they escape, only to be sexual torture until they are useless?
Fuck that shit, I rather die than deal with that shit.
Later man, fuck this world and story.
4402327 umm who is to say that is how it ends? the deal with the Mistress thing if you read chapter two is Violet and Shimmer have a BDSM relationship that has nothing to do with the club, notice at the start how Shimmer also called Violet that.
If you do not wish to read then that is fine but please don't assume you know the ending and then when something is explained when you seemed to ask about it get more angry.
4402352 I'm more upset that this world is growing.
I fucking despise these worlds. Fall of Equestria, ETS, and TCB.
each one is a fucking stain in my eyes. Its not your story that I am mad at it. Just the world that takes place in and that colors my views greatly.
4402365 I see, this is fictional writing though and if you are feeling anger then the writers are doing their jobs, the whole point of a story is to make you feel emotions right? to make you feel for the characters.
Game of Thrones is the easiest one I can think of, that features Sexism, racism, murder, slavery and sexual attacks, why does it have these elements, to shock the audience and make them feel emotions your anger is understandable, I for one am trying to write a story where you are angry at the situation and feel sorry for the main characters in this Case Violet and to an extent Shimmer, as I said in my earlier comment, I am not writing this as an erotic story, I am writing it to be a grim/sad story.
I do not know about TCB I don't even know what that stands for and as for the other one I do not want to go into details about it and I will just leave it at I do not like it for many reasons.
Could I have written a story with out this element, yes I could have, could I write this story I have planned without it? no I cannot in the end it is a fictional work with a horrific element that should never happen to anyone in real life, is the fantasy erotic to some people yes it is, do I think people should act on it outside of a consensual roleplay? no not at all.
I am not mad or upset with you and I completely understand if you don't want to read but please understand why I am writing this story.
4402447 ...
sure.
story.
whatever.
4402447
Ignore this person Violet, he doesn't really care if you have a sound argument or not and states that much in his comments. All he cares about is trying to get you to stop making something that he cannot understand. It is a classic case of "Stop liking what I don't like".
Honestly his arguments are flawed and while I could sit here and list every stupid thing he said (the greatest of which would be that a trained Night Guard, what is basically pony CIA, would resort to suicide when it would leave her friend at the mercy of said evil organization instead of trying to find a way to escape and alert Luna), but it's honestly useless since he says this stuff not because he finds a logical fallacy in your story but because he is butthurt that it exists in the first place.
His methods to try and get rid of what he perceives is an eyesore is to mock and write subpar "retaliation" stories where his will is passed in the setting despite how little sense it makes, creating mary sue white knights to come in and save the day and never realizing that doing that is both pointless and petty.
Before I wrap this up though there is one more thing I want to comment on. "Outdated magic". I assume he means that of the crystal empire. The same magic that produced the Crystal Heart, which is arguably as powerful as the elements. The same magic that disabled Shining Armor, who is probably the most powerful of Celestia's all but useless guard (Seriously, when have any of the Royal Guard ever done anything aside from cart the princesses around and blow away a few bugs with princess assistance). Hell, let's take this a step further and say with that logic Nightmare Moon should've never been considered a threat cause her "outdated magic" should have been nothing to any other pony or even Tirek since the spells he uses to steal pony magic are likewise "Outdated".
In short: His statements are bad and he should feel bad. Take it with a grain of salt and let him go cry about how this kind of stories are an affront to him (despite the fact that he doesn't have to give them the time of day) elsewhere.
4402365 Thinking like that is why Pinkiepony hasn't learned to keep out of our business. If you don't like what you're reading, DON'T READ IT. There is not some holy mandate which compels you to seek out these stories and read them. The rest of us come here because we like to read these stories, not hear you rant about them.
Kindly ignore this story and go read something you're more comfortable with. Seriously, this is common sense, how many times do we have to tell people this on the internet!?
And as for the subject of them having a possible escape? You seem to not understand that not every story on the planet has a happy ending. And not every fetish out there is pleasurable for both parties involved, especially in the realm of fictional writing.
4404376
Hi- de- ho! Uninvolved in the
Is conflict really just want to point something out...
"If you don't like it, don't read it."
Well that kind of has a flaw in it. Say he wanted to give it a chance but turns out he didn't like it, well something like that happened to me with a little story called 'Cupcakes'. I dislike the story, that's the end right? Wrong. What you read sticks with you. After that I couldn't look at Pinkie the same way. What you write has the ability to ruin characters for people, authors need to remember that.
As for not every story has a happy ending, that's all well and good. But is there a point to a story when you know what's going to happen? I'm not a fan of stories like this, as the author. Of the original can tell you, but the main reason that is, is the fact that I know what's going to happen. Maybe not every detail, but all the main things. The ETS story lines are given away in the title, so what's the point of reading them. Are you that sadistic to need to read about torture and rape just for the sake of the spectical? Just seems pointless to me.
4417360
I would like to note that Redskin has made it apparent from the start that he dislikes these kind of stories. The only reason that he even bothered to read my story was that he was waiting to see if I would punish the evil society members, even though you state that it is obvious where the story is going.
Also, is it really that obvious? Just because the Society is doing terrible things right now doesn't mean that it will go on forever. Then again it might, that is where the story is not predictable. Heck even the methods of terrible things and plot twists of how they will happen are not predictable. There might be a bit more to EqTS than you think.
And sure, some people might enjoy this kind of dark fantasy, maybe even in a sexual way, but as long as it stays a fantasy there is really no problem and you really should respect their sexual preferences even if you don't understand them. After all, fictional rape and torture really isn't hurting anyone.
4417360 The story very clearly has the words Rape, Torture, and BDSM in big red letters as a warning label. If he's too lazy (or stupid) to realize the warnings are there to WARN you, then it is his fault, not hers.
When I come across an erotic story, I usually read the tags. If it has something I don't care for such as watersports, castration, or scat, I kindly move onto another story. Not decide "Well let's give it a shot" and read through, then wonder why I'm feeling disgusted by the story.
That is immature, stupid, and a waste of time. And I have no right to bitch about the story's contents when I was aware of what it contained ahead of time.
4417506
Funnily enough, I see where you're coming from. I can except almost any fetish of sexual preference... Except this one. If just little things were changed I could except it. If the trainers invited ponies that had a fetish for that kind of thing, to be dominated and even tortured if they were really masicistic ( hope I spelt that right... Into pain.) that would be fine. But The fact that it , in my opinion, is fetishizing and glorifing some of the absolute worst the world has to offer makes it just seem repulsive.
And as for reading for the different ways they break ponies. That just seems like those old Saw movies. Just not entertaining, except to the lowest common denominater.
As for it staying fictional... Sometimes I worry. And honestly I just can't really except anyone who is sexual aroused by rape. Domination? Sure. Sadomasicism? Not my thing, and by definition that means something is a little wrong with them but fine. Being treated as a sex object consenually? Mkay. Rape? Nah son, you got problems.
And unpredictable? Here let me make a prediction... They get raped and tortured. The how isn't really that important except to determine how messed up you are.
Sorry if any of that seemed... Unkind... Unless you are turned on by rape. If so seek help. Might very well be something very wrong with you.
4417670
Whether you are warned or not some people are just not okay with certain things. I for one thing things like this shouldn't be written because it glorifies a horrible, immoral thing and turns it into entertainment or at least tries to. Maybe I'm being over sensitive or misinterpreting things but still as per my opinion I will not support it and that Is my right as is voicing my discontent.
Woo, government classes for the win!
4417711
Would it help you to know that I am, in fact, a victim of rape? It was at a younger age and I certainly didn't enjoy it, nor would I condone it in real life. But here I am writing a story on it, "glorifying" it as you say. Does this make me "Messed up"? I think not, just means that as far as fantasy goes I can find enjoyment in writing about something that I went through first hand. Maybe not to the degree that I have been writing, but all forms of rape are equally terrible and almost any rape fetishist will agree to that.
Also did you know that fantasy rape actually detracts from real rape. Areas that have open access to "rape" porn have lower rape crimes than those who ban it. In a sense I am doing a public service.
OK, I am being farcical, but really I think you are making this into too big a deal. That is all I got to say about the matter.
4418021
Hmm, that doesn't help but it is interesting... I was kinda... Sorta.... Just a little bit molested by a teenager I knew when I was young and that might be what made me dislike rape-related things as much as I do. Not because I was but because my mind conjures things that could have been... Sorry I ranted a bit.
... I still don't like, support, or accepted it, but I accept that I can't really do anything about it other then voice my opinion. I also thank you for keeping this congenial and polite. Best of luck in your future writings and I hope someday you will write a story I can read AND enjoy.
4418021 Same thing for violent video games, they actually reduce violence in people rather than increase it. The thing is that these fantasies such as stories, movies, games and such give the people an outlet for their fantasies. I can say from experience that when I feel stressed, and start playing a game with excessive blood and gore, I end up calming down because I've vented my rage on something without hurting anyone.
4418119
I was molested too, since we're all sharing. And as you can see, I too am able to cope with it. Now I think we've taken up enough of dear Violet's comment section with this debate.
4403042
I'm honestly amused at the conduct. It's basically stomping off as loudly as possible while yelling over one's shoulder.
"Yeah, you drove me away! You're horrible! I'm leaving!"
"I'ma leaving this time for real! See? See how I leave? Just because of how horrible you are!"
*yelling from around the corner* "Leaving now! For reals!"
4418021
4418119
4420227
Well, damn.
Now I feel kinda bad. I've always enjoyed rape and bondage, even before I'd realised it was anything sexual, while growing up perfectly safe and happy. And I can't hurt a fly.
Onto the story!
Violet's problem is indeed an interesting one. Even so, one could twist it into an even worse lose-lose: Per definition, whatever her decision, she will have submitted to the will of another—Schorl's. It's completely up to Schorl then whether such an act of submission constitutes reason enough to comdemn her to slavery regardless of what position she would like to claim for herself.
You said Moon Blitz and her assistant, Lava. Shouldn't it be his?
4423866 Moon blitz is trans, so while they are a stallion they prefer to be called female.
4423866
4423885
Actually that was my fault. Violet has been sending me the chapters to edit and when I saw the name Moon Blitz I thought it was a female name. I put down "her" without even noticing that the story then called Blitz a stallion about a dozen times. Violet, please correct my mistake.
4424667 Oh really? I thought that was something i had done, as I was checking though I saw the announcer call them her and I thought "Hrmmm ... this might be a side character in the society that while genetically male, prefers to be called female pronouns even giving maybe a theory as to why Lava is being punished?
But if you want me to change it I can do that still/
Is this the same Lava from the rp site?
4428752 Yes it is.
I see this saying becomin relevant in the future..
" The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.
Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.
And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
.....moar
"this time however I am going to post the second part in the next few days. to give some time between posts rather than a whole week."
you liar!!
..... dont judge me, i just want a new chapter :/
4545095 I apologize I had all intentions of posting the next part on sunday but I got swamped with art work and other things =< There is a little something I want to add to the second part as well which is why I haven't just spent a few minutes to upload it, I am really sorry.
4546950
you are not really good with timing, are you? hmm? :P
Loved it!
I can't read past a few paragraphs. Please ensure that dialogue between multiple characters should not be within the same paragraph.
4593992 Yes I have ensured that does not happen in the future chapters, this was my first time writing and once I was finished with chapter one I was informed about that and have fixed that in other chapters.
I thought I had fixed it in chapter one but have just gone back to fix it now.
4402452
lael u so mad
Yush! A batpony gets involved!
<Insert obligatory hatred about content and writing skills here>
There. We got that out of the way. Now everyone else doesn't need to do it.
4926626
People have already commented on the content ... if you have some comments on the writing skills please say something constructive.
I will not be able to improve if no one says where I can improve upon.
4927221I can't cite exactly what I'm not enjoying, because by all definitions this is following most major grammar rules, not jumping about more than necessary, and remains in a constant tense.
I guess I'm just not particularly loving your writing style.
4927616
Okay ... then why bring it up if you can't provide constructive criticism.
In this situation all it does is cause the writer some disappointment and making them confused about what they can improve.
it is fine to not like something but unless you can help improve there is really no reason to say to the creator that you hate it.
4928053 Hate is not a word I'd use. I'm enjoying the story but the writing leave a much more to be desired. Also, here, because I'm nice, have a few errors in the beginning of the chapter.
I feel about 98% sure that's not how the word recollect is used.
You repeated the fact that Violet wasn't aware of how the coat had gotten there, unless you intended the second time to mean something else. Either way it could use some revision.
Should probably be another word between feel and close, but what with words like YOLO and Selfie being in dictionaries you can never tell how English has evolved...
Just feel like pointing out the comma in that sentence should probably be a period as the next part is an entirely new subject.
The dialog. You either need to put a period at the end of the dialog (which isn't recommended seeing as there's a dialog tag) or add a comma to the end and make the identifier in the tag lowercase (he as opposed to He).
Ditto.
Huh. I guess that would be why I didn't enjoy the writing: it's full of minor errors. Beh. It's coherent and you're more on task with writing then me, so I plan to keep reading without any major complaints (unless it's something important).
4930816
Thank you, this I can do something with and I am sorry to say but hate is the word you did use in your first comment.
also just quickly, if you google recollect the definition is 'remember (something); call to mind.'
As for the repeating you are right, I did not notice I had done that and I did mean to have it as something else, I meant it to read something along the lines of her not being able to figure out rather than not remember.
The word between feel close is actually something I also messed up there and didn't realize, I wanted to say something different there.
With the comma I want to thank you for pointing that out I am not sure what exactly happened there if I wasn't think or I hit the wrong key, still thank you for pointing it out.
The dialog. You either need to put a period at the end of the dialog (which isn't recommended seeing as there's a dialog tag) or add a comma to the end and make the identifier in the tag lowercase (he as opposed to He). - thank you for this, I am still learning how to write and honestly, the school I went to was quite horrible and didn't even teach proper grammar, advise like that is what I really want because I need to learn this stuff.
-------------
Thank you for the help in improving the story, I am open to critique and suggestions and have done the changed based on what you have said.
4931232 The first comment I left was intended to be humorous about how people tend to leave irritating comments about how they hate this particular fetish or the original story or the like. Sorry for the confusion.
And the word recollect is used as its infinitive form here, and based on its usage it needs a to before it.
Oh, and in the comment you made you used quite a lot of commas and not all of them correctly. May I point you to a nice usage guide for commas?
4932154
Ahh thank you I see what you mean there with the first thing now.
And thank you for the guide, I have a lot to learn.
I am simply loving this Mistress Violet!
May I inquire when the next chapter will be released, because simply put this is an excellent story. I am holding off on reading the last chapter, because I do not want to be stuck wondering what will happen next. Either way very good job, interesting characters and a very complex and thought-provoking plot. Thank you for your time.
Regards,
Ryan Changda Martin
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