Bleeding Out - Season 1
Edited by Anthony Rineer
Written by Deep Voiced Maniac...
I threw my paper ball at the teacher, it hitting the chalkboard. She turned around and I looked down, quickly grabbing my pencil; and started writing. The teacher sucked her teeth, turning back to the big black chalkboard.
I snickered. Always get away with it. To be honest though, this teacher was kind of a bitch. Like every single one in this dreaded school. Middle school, here at Shoe, is pretty bad.
Every pony here fights, or disrespect each other; and I`m one of them. When I came here, I didn't have any friends. The Cutie Mark Crusaders, is what they call themselves, became my best friends.
Since I`m a buck, I protect them. They mess with one of us, they mess with all of us. A lot of ponies avoid me, due to the fact of my strength. I`m not the strongest in the school, but I`m not the weakest.
I haven`t got in a fight...yet. This school is mostly filled with zebras, though. They fill up much of the population of the school. But, they act just like ponies and that`s that.
I wrote my name on the top of the paper. Velocity. My name was that, because I`m a Pegasus. My special talent is flying, just like my Aunt Rainbow Dash. My Cutie Mark is a bullet, with flames behind it.
I won every single race I ever was in. Back then. Now, I barely fly anymore. I still have to go to Gym, and I have no problem with that. Aunt Dash doesn't like it, but I only visit her occasionally.
"Alright class, the bell is about to ring. Velocity, what is the square root of 4?" Ms. Cane asked me. I blinked in confusion and looked up, then back at my paper. Blank. Crap! Um...Aha!
"2?" I asked, every student looking at me. Sweetie Belle slumped and Scootaloo shook her head. That meant I was wrong. Yay!
"That is wrong, Velocity." She said, just trying to sound disappointed. I sighed, brushing my mane out of my eyes. It was dark grey, it looks how my Aunt Dash`s mane used to look like. My coat was golden, fur sticking up in several places.
Ring! I jumped out my chair, Everypony else just calmly stood up. I grabbed my saddlebags, my papers, quills, and notes jumping inside as I trotted towards my next class.
"Velocity! Wait up!" I heard Sweetie, Scoots, and Bloom yell behind me. I slowed my walking, almost stopping completely. They catched up, taking their places at my side.
"Yeah, what`s up guys?" I said looking side-to-side, trying to look at all of them at the same time. They looked at each other, and started whispering together.
"We are having a sleep over at Apple Bloom`s house and we were wondering..." They looked down, before Apple Bloom spoke up, finishing their sentence. "If you wanted to come over!" I blinked in confusion. For the second time today.
"Um...Sure." I said. Wow. That was single handedly the stupidest decision you made in your life, Velocity. You`re going to have to live with that.
"Thanks, we`ll see you there." They said walking off, squealing in delight. I sighed, looking at the clock. Ring! Great. I`m late. I groaned as I walked to my next class. Language Arts...
I arrived at Language Arts, my teachers muffled by the thick door. I sighed...again. I walked into class, students stopping and looking at me. I walked to my desk, setting my saddlebags on top of it.
I pulled out a piece of paper and a quill, quickly writing my name on it. I hate this class. The teacher kept talking, the other on the computer.
"Velocity, why are you late?" The teacher asked, after she stopped talking.
"I`m always late." I said, with my famous 'I really don`t care right now' tone.
"Well, that`s why you`re failing." She said.
"Meh." I said, shrugging my shoulders. I looked up at the clock, it`s big hoof on the 'one'. Only one hour to go, than I`m outta here!
Time flew by, the teacher explaining and talking during all of it. My head lay on my hoof, the rest of my body slumped. Sweetie was an A-plus student, while me and Scootaloo were failing. Apple Bloom was average.
I tapped my hoof on the desk, my hoof sometimes running along it. Scootaloo looked over at me, sticking her tongue out at me. I smiled, her slowly joining me.
Me and her always messed with each other in class. Sweetie and Bloom always were and are focused. Scootaloo and I dared each other, to screwing with the teacher, and skipping class.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. I started thinking about the sleepover. I don`t know why I said yes. Probably because, If I didn`t, they would pout and get sad. I can barely stand to see them sad, especially Scootaloo.
Me and Scootaloo hang out with each other more than with Sweetie and Bloom. I don`t why, we just...do. The teacher stopped talking, and Everypony started packing up. I looked up at the clock. 1:51. Yes!
I grinned. I always did at the end of the day. Scoots looked at me, smiling and walked over to me. She sat next to me, her settling on her haunches.
"Hey, you ready for the sleep over?" She asked.
"I...guess?" I really don`t know the answer to that question. And why in that seductive voice?! My pupils shrinked a bit when thinking about that...voice.
The bell rang, and she walked out, me following after. I looked around, staring at the mass size of the crowd. My blood ran cold, my pupils shrinking even more, to the size of pinpricks. I have no clue what awaits me, do I?
You have caught ma' curiosity. I am liking this so far, now i'm gonna go join you in the corner and cry.
Cool, there`s some fruit punch in a bowl and some cookies...
Alright! Since Deep is going to be out for a couple of days, he told me to write the next chapter! He gave me the rough draft and it will be posted tomorrow!
Also, next chapter of Destiny: Equestria coming out soon!
And maybe, a sequel to Hmm...Oh...Just...Uh...Being Me...
Anthony`s in the house!
Alright, I`m about to leave for my trip and I see THREE dislikes. Really guys, do you feel you should dislike, just because it`s not as good as Fallout: Equestria or Past Sins.
Anyway, I`ll be gone for a couple of days, because I`m going to the fabulous LAS PEGASUS!
Square root of 4? If it's not 2 than what is it?
2x2=4
2^2=2x2
Square root of 4=2
Alrighty, this is my review, so take everything with a moment of thought and a grain of salt. I tend to be quite blatant.
I have a one thing that is in my thoughts now that I have read this chapter: What the heck just happened? Your OC was at school, he got invited to a sleepover with his friends the CMC but he dreads it for some reason, he is a typical angsty uncaring kid and this aspect is use excessively, his day passes with really weird timing, and then he suddenly hates the idea of the sleepover without a given reason. I'll start with your character, and then work down the list.
Your OC, Velocity, is waaay overplayed. I understood that he could not possibly give one further buck about his school within the first sentence, but you continued to hammer home an already delivered point for the rest of the chapter. By the end of the chapter, he no longer felt like a believable, impatient teenager, and instead reminded me more of an angsty, rude, callous, spoiled twat who needs a good smack on the head. You probably were just trying to add good character development, but instead you over-accentuated his impatience and unconcern so much that it made me as a reader dislike him. I realize that this is could be taken as an opinion, but it really does get in the way of the rest of your story. Unless the reader is supposed to dislike a character, having them over-accentuated is rarely a good thing.
Okay, now onto the use of the sleepover. This could be a good mechanic, especially if you tried to play with some tension concerning a guy at an all girl sleepover, but instead it comes up dry and flat. You introduce the sleepover quite suddenly, though this could be excused due to the fact that most things in between classes at a school are on a tight schedule, but don't give the reader any time after the concept is introduced to understand the importance of the sleepover. It seems to be important from the way that Velocity reacts to it, but (aside from Velocity's frustratingly vague thoughts) the reader has no information about why the heck this sleepover is so important. The text says that it was stupid to accept the sleepover, but it never says why, or even links any emotional reaction about it to Velocity. This gets even worse when the sleepover is mentioned again, with your character emotionlessly pondering why Scoots sounded seductive when the audience was never given any evidence of this. To the reader, all Scootaloo said was "Hey, you ready for the sleepover?", but apparently there was something seductive happening there.
This is a problem because it leaves any emotion out of your story. When someone reads a story, they don't read it to hear some guy you made up spewing random information at the audience. Readers want to be immersed in the story, to feel what the character feels and to be invested in the character's thoughts and actions. What you have made is an emotionless and un-immersive piece, and there is only this simple reason why. Many people will phrase this as "Show, don't tell". Your problem is that you tell the reader everything, but never take the time to show why everything you are presenting is important, and why the reader should care.
Lastly, I found your pacing to be confusing. This is a more minor detail, but could be used to make your story better all the same. Your character is in class, and then suddenly class is over. Then he is in the hallway, and it only feels as if a few seconds of story have passed when the bell for being late to the next class rings. After that, it feels as if only a few minutes have passed when a full hour of class goes by. This wouldn't really be fixed by adding more detail, but by instead changing the detail that you already have to convey a longer period of time. This aspect could also benefit from "showing" and not "telling".
All and all, it seems like an interesting idea, but not one that I would be interested enough in to read further. This is mostly because I don't typically enjoy romances, and that is where this story seems to be going. I also find it quite off-putting that your next chapter has the weird and out of place label of "Mature" next to it. I'll have to check again, but I don't think that you are supposed to put a mature chapter on a teen story, especially due to the big gap between the content of both and that fact that both have specific, individual tags. Oh well, if it didn't bug the moderators then I don't really have much ground to complain. Good luck on your writing anyways.
Cheers.