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Summer Cold

Source

It's a hot summer day, and Lyra Heartstrings begins to feel ill. Bonbon decides to take a few days off from work to stay at home and take care of her sick marefriend, but Lyra starts to take advantage of lover's kindness.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 4 )

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Jimmy Lethal

Jimmy Lethal #1 · Apr 5th, 2014 · · ·

That was the most adorable thing I've read all week.

Metool Bard

Metool Bard #2 · Apr 5th, 2014 · · ·

Hey, at least Lyra didn't ask for a glass of water.

Not a lot of substance to this one. In fact, the conflict stops before it can really get going. I understand this was just meant to be Lyra/Bon-Bon fluff, but it's not exactly the most interesting fluff I've read. Still, for what it is, I suppose it's alright.

Just one minor point of contention. While you don't have walls of text (thank goodness), a new speaker means a new paragraph. Lyra and Bon-Bon's lines shouldn't share the same paragraph. Trust me on this; I had the exact same problem when I started writing way back when.

Dusty_Dusk12301

Dusty_Dusk12301 #3 · Apr 5th, 2014 · · ·

I wub it

HaviTheWerecat

HaviTheWerecat #4 · Apr 5th, 2014 · · ·

4186570 I fixed the paragraph problems, but I dunno if I should drag it out longer and let the conflict take longer to get resolved. I think that's pretty much unfixable. Well, it is fixable, I just wouldn't want to drastically edit this.