Three fillies were shooed out with a broom from the entrance of a news broadcasting station with a gruff command, “And stay out!”
Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo picked themselves up and dusted their capes off as the door closed behind them. Sighing, “Well, that was a bust,” Sweetie Belle said.
“Yeah, it’s bad enough that we stowed away on the Earth Cuddle Crusade, but are there really human-related cutie marks?” Scootaloo added, with a swish of her tail. Applebloom adjusted her bow and said, “Don’t worry, girls! I’m sure we could find something else!”
Sweetie Belle snorted annoyedly and said, “Yeah, we’re better off just going home. We’ve tried everything!”
“Yeah, we’ve tried Tank Crewmares, Fast Food Cooks, Street Acrobatic Marketing...” Scootaloo then added, punctuating every talent with a hoof tap on the pavement.
Sweetie Belle cut off Scootaloo by saying wistfully, “Though twirling those ad signs was pretty fun..”
With a bit of frustration, Scootaloo waved her front hoof and said, “They wouldn’t even let us in to try for Nuclear Engineer Cutie Marks! They said stuff like safety and certification, but you never know until you try!”
"Yeah, let’s go home,” A slightly deflated Applebloom said
They then started their trek on the way to the airport so they could cross the interdimensional portal aurora by plane and go home. They started to wander several neighborhoods, unaware that they were lost. The Crusaders were shaken from their stupor by someone shouting nearby, “ROLL FOR INITIATIVE, SUCKAS!”
A rogue flying die flew out of an open basement window and hit Applebloom in the head, causing her to exclaim.
“Ow!”
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo quickly looked over Applebloom and the die before they noticed where it flew from. They then noticed several new voices.
“You’ve got to stop throwing those dice like that, man! One flew out the window!”
“You’se all jelly that I can throw dees dice dis hard!”
“Use English, for goodness’ sakes!”
“Guys, calm down! It’s just a game!”
“Can we get started already?”
The trio of troublesome fillies looked into the window, and found four young men playing... some sort of game. It involved funny-looking miniatures and dice. The inquisitive crusaders listened in.
“Man, can you believe how crazy this world’s coming to?”
“Yeah, all these guys falling out of the sky, man. We’re now in a fantasy setting, brother!”
“Yeah, right. Where’s the dwarves and trolls?”
“Not here, obviously, killjoy.”
“...Can we start now?”
“What’s the matter, man? You seem down.”
“Hm? Oh, I just nearly got cuddled today.”
“Oh, man. That must’ve been a close one.”
“Yeah. Thankfully they can’t tell we’re lying about being cuddled.”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped. Humans, not being cuddled?
“Yeah. I’m guessing the majority of America’s just lying about being hugged by these weirdos.”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped again. Sweetie Belle said, “Guys, do you know what this means?”
Scootaloo quietly said with a bit of excitemet, “Yeah, Sweetie Belle. It means we can get our cutie marks in...”
All three fillies whisper-shouted, “Cutie Mark Crusader Cuddle Crusaders!”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders then snuck off to discuss tactics. They were outnumbered here, and they needed a plan of action. They needed to convene at a war room. However, a McDonald’s would work just as well. The sun was setting as they entered. They ordered McFlurries, and paid with bits. The lady taking the order gave them a look before moving to make the frozen treats. They sat down at a booth and started discussing possible plans of attack. Obviously, they were going to need a lot more “oomph” if they were going to take on four uncuddled humans. They were stumped on the whole problem when none other than Princess Luna walked in and ordered a vegetarian meal. Luna spotted the Crusaders, smiled, and waved at them. The Crusaders returned the gesture, and Sweetie Belle suddenly had a lightbulb moment. She called out to Luna, “Hey, Princess Luna! Wanna chat with us?”
Luna received her meal and sat down with the Crusaders, saying, “I don’t exchange pleasantries with my subjects often enough. It is fortunate that I caught you as I was about to sample the infamous MacDonald Cuisine. What news, fillies?”
By this point, Applebloom and Scootaloo had caught on to Sweetie Belle’s plan, and they also grinned. Sweetie Belle said a little too loudly, “We’ve found some uncuddled humans, and we’d like your help to get our Cuddle Crusader Cutie Marks!”
Luna paused, thought a little, then said, “Are these humans really uncuddled? I thought America was harmonized.”
Scootaloo said excitedly, “We’ve uncovered a huuuge conspiracy of humans lying about being cuddled! I mean, who does that?”
Now Luna gasped, and she said, “Take me to them, that they may be harmonized!”
She took a sip from her sugary, carbonated drink, and then said, “After we finish dinner, of course.”
====LATEST IN THE CUDDLE CRUSADE: AMERICA COMPLETELY HARMONIZED====
“NATURUA TWEENTY, SUCKAS!”
“Just stop!”
“JELLY!”
“RAAAGH!”
“Dude, calm down. It’s just a game.”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
====LOCAL WEATHERMAN PICKETS NEWLY ESTABLISHED WEATHER STATIONS====
“What?!”
Celestia nearly broke the President’s eardrum with that shout. She was currently talking to her sister over a smartphone she had purchased. After trying clumsily to use it by her hooves, she resorted to manipulating it and holding it with her telekinesis. She currently had the device near her head. She then shouted, “What do you mean, there are humans lying about being cuddled?”
The President of the United States internally groaned. After all, he had been host for the Princesses and while they were polite and understanding, they did have the whole “Manual Harmonization” routine going. The shock of having been... cuddled had still not worn off on the President. Sure, he did feel... better? Still honestly weirded out, though. Now, another headache-inducing scenario was developing right in front of him. It would be rude of him to interrupt Princess Celestia, though, so he waited. Celestia finally said after a while of listening to her sister, “Very well. We’ll have to postpone the new offensive to secure what we do have. Farewell, dear sister.”
With that, Celestia tucked her phone away turned to the President.
'Here we go again...'
Now using a tone more regal and appropriate for the Princess of Equestria, Celestia began, “Mister President, a new development has arisen. Would you be willing to have our security services chat up yours so we can track down these uncuddled?”
The President sighed on the inside, then said, “What would it take?”
Celestia callously told the President, “Well, we would have to work with your National Security Agency and Department of Homeland Defense, but we can pool our resources to...”
With no small amount of alarm, the President interjected, “Waaait, wait wait. What?”
Celestia rolled her eyes, and continued, “We can use our combined intelligence network to track down the uncuddled, and...”
Waving his hands above his head frantically, the President spoke quickly, saying, “I’ve already broken the law once for you, Princess. The UN is still throwing hot coals at me for donating transports for your... expeditions to the UK, Europe, and Russia.”
Celestia didn't seem to be phased by this revelation, but instead told the President, “Ah, but that is where you are wrong. See, we petitioned the Polish to get transports into Russia. Took a bit of convincing, and it was a bit of a gamble, but it paid off.”
The President clapped both of his hands to his face, and said between his fingers, “Look, I’m already in trouble for breaking international law. Please don’t ask me to break domestic laws as well. I really don’t want the reputation that comes with spying on my own citizens. Goodness knows we have enough presidents who have ruined themselves that way. So, no dice, Princess.”
A pause. Then, Celestia decided, “...I see. Good day, Mister President.”
The President sighed, then chose this moment to sink into a nearby lounge chair. This was going to be another long day.
====CRUSADERS PICKET CULT GATHERING: ACCUSE OF BEING UNCUDDLED ====
“Hey, who brought the treats?”
“Oh, shoot. I left them upstairs. Let me go get them.”
“BRING DA CHEEEPS, DAWG!”
With a violent sigh, Richard Freeman walked up the steps to retrieve his grocery bag of goodies for game night. It was bad enough that Howard freaking Stone arrived. Great guy, but he had recently adopted the most ridiculous patterns of speech. Still, Richard couldn’t complain. He did enjoy the opportunity to have game night, however. It was an opportune moment in an otherwise insane world to spend time with old friends. Even if it was only a temporary escape, it still served to cool nerves to play Dungeons and Dragons with his high-school friends.
Richard neared the kitchen, intent on collecting his bag of candy, chips, and soda when he noticed something off. He looked around, noticing the darkened upstairs and the still quiet. It unnerved him even more that all sound had ceased from downstairs. Richard’s friends were characteristically a rowdy bunch. It meant to Richard that something was seriously wrong. He looked to the kitchens, then to the stairs, then to the front door. Nothing looked off, other than the lights being off. He continued to the kitchens to run face first into the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who were all wearing maniacal grins.
Richard freaked out, but all sounds were muffled by Luna’s magic. The rowdy bunch downstairs only noticed something was off when a faint scream was heard from upstairs. Everyone went dead silent. Howard was the first to speak, chattering, "Will, Alex, did you hear that?”
They both nodded grimly. They wordlessly got up from their seats and wandered up the stairs. They also noticed the darkened first floor as they made their way to the kitchen. Alex peeked around the corner to see Richards on the floor, grasping at a pale yellow filly attached to his face. Alex gasped, and then caught sight of a jumping filly before his vision was all orange thanks to the same filly now hugging his face. Alex freaked out, and as Will and Howard saw what was happening, they also panicked. Will felt tapping on his left calf, so he spun around quickly to see a white filly jump at him. Howard turned around to see what came of his screaming friend, and yelled out, “Aw hail naw!”
He bolted out the door and ran into the yard, only to find a smiling Princess Luna there. Howard reached into his pocket and threw all his spare dice at Luna, shouting, “YOU BETTER ROLL FOR GRAPPLE, PONY!”
He then rushed past her and ran for his life. Howard closed his eyes and ran as hard as his body could, and after a while, he supposed he could open his eyes. He forgot to notice that magic had been holding him aloft the entire time. Howard swiveled around to see the Princess with an amused grin. Luna shook her head softly and said, “I don’t need a grapple check while I still have a few telekinesis spells today.”
'Oh crap. She’s right. Dang technicalities.'
He got pulled into a hug by the Lunar Princess, and he groaned. Luna just said, “Oh, hush, my little human. I hope the crusaders found their cutie marks.”
They didn’t.
====AMERICA NOT COMPLETELY HARMONIZED AFTER ALL: CUDDLEQUEST ADVANCE POSTPONED====
In a lonely dark canyon, somewhere...
“Yeeeeess...”
The wind picked up, creating a howling noise to the air. No living souls were in the canyon, save a few lonely crows.
“Thiiiiis is perrrfect...”
The cliff face shuddered. A human skull now protruded from the cliffside.
“My defeeaat was perhaps inevitable, long agooo...”
The sediment shifted, and the human skull fell on the cold, stony canyon floor. A crack formed on the skull, running down the the middle of the forehead and on down to the jawline.
“The four legged fooools and their friiieends didn’t figure that they weren’t the only ones who would cross the bridge between two wooorlds...”
The canyon seemed to convulse some more, until a multitude of bones from men and all sorts of animals joined the skull on the canyon floor, creating a boneyard. The winds picked up some more, and the cracked human skull floated up. Mismatched vertebrae and other bones floated up and arranged themselves in a human form. Goat horns awkwardly fused themselves to the forehead of the skull. Sharp carnivorous teeth from predators long past fused themselves to the jaw of the skull. The jaws snapped together with a sharp click.
“The huuumaaans have the perfect sets of bones for my new form...”
The crows suddenly found themselves sucked into the mess of bones, cawing until promptly cut off with a series of crunching noises as their organic tissues dried and were restructured into a dry, dark cloak that appeared black in the dark canyon, with only the pale moonlight to provide a contrast to the black and red-stained form.
“I can seeeense the long dead, thirsting for battle... I shall grant them glory. It has been so long since I interfeeeered with the affairs of the living. I’ve even forgotten my naaaaame. Hmm... I shall call myseeeeelf Zaal’gor. And I shall claim this woooorld.”
With that said, the newly self-christened Zaal’gor let loose an inhuman cackle into the air, long and loud and harsh on his new vocal chords.
..................Great.
See what happens, Celly?
4295137
That was quick.
PRAISE ZAAL'GOR! LIBERATOR OF HUMANITY! ENEMY OF THE CUDDLED HORDES!
Can't wait to see how pear-shaped this goes..
..................
When is Chrysalis gonna start handing out cuddles. Whoever her victim is would be the luckiest bastard on Earth.
I just can't... xD
4spoopy5me
And so, the true adventure during the cuddleapocalypse begins
Was that a sex joke?
Hugged by Luna?
derpicdn.net/img/2013/11/29/485437/full.png
...
So fucking worth it!
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Al Gore is back from the dead!!!!
....Well.
That ain't good.
Is it just me or does ZAAL'GOR's description make him sound like Gravelord Nito from Dark Souls.
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130202001915/darksouls/images/1/1f/Dark-souls-gravelord-nito.jpg
I've had a lot of fun reading this story up until this chapter. I still like what's going on, but the strange way you attribute the dialog pulls my attention away from the story and makes it difficult to follow who is saying what.
for example:
should be closer to
Well...hopefully they will be able to defeat this new enemy. could be hard, since he seems like he'd kill them as soon as they try to cuddle him and I don't think human weapons would affect him. Which leaves offensive unicorn spells, though I doubt that would work well unless they had at least Twilight level power behind them. So...yeah. It probably won't end well.
You changed the mood of this story so hard I think I have whiplash.
Great song choice, it accented the scene outstandingly... although it helps that at my reading speed, the music's procession towards darker and more intimidating (and vocalized... scary music always needs chanting n the background) happened to match each step that last scene took towards the horrifying.
This was amazing, and you did a great job in both your humor and in setting the tone for the last segment. Setting it directly next to a successful cuddling gave the contrast a heavy impact.
Also, are we soon to see the Cuddle Crusade turn its attentions onto internet trolls?
Ohhhh noes
At least it's not the space marines though
3Spooky5Me...
~AnimatedGamer
~4n1m8t3dG4m3r
The really unrealistic part of this story is not the inter dimensional snuggling cartoons - it's that not one of those American households had a shotgun.
Eeek!
Just curious is that a play on to Al Gore.
4296082
4295597
It's not a play on al gore I swear
4295996
By the time you'd get to your gunsafe
It is already too late.
4296099 Really...It just seems pretty convenient.
At first I thought this would be great for Earth! At first, I would have loved the opportunity to be snuggled by cute ponies, but now I'm not so sure. It almost seems that everything that made us human is being torn out and replaced with everything that makes a pony a pony. If I was on a world being cuddle crusaded by ponies, I would probably start mourning the loss of my kind after a while.
But seriously, if you want this story to continue as strong as it is, you will have to ease up on the general silliness eventually. It was funny at first, but after a while, readers will just be like, "This is getting too ridiculous, I'm out."
And then it turns out forced harmonization might not have been the best idea, because having their violence drained away makes humans sht when it comes to sending undead merfers back to hell.
4296197 Quite possible...
4296099
And then the small number of uncuddled humans isn't enough to feed Zaal'gor's hunger for negative energy, and his bone golem form falls apart while his spirit scampers down to the hellish pits he thought were a prison.
Bitch please, love and cuddles defeated Windigoes.
Huh, I wonder what would happen if the Ponies run into a human who simply won't accept being cuddled, like, threatening to take his own life dont-touch-me-goddamnit levels of not being cuddled.
THESE ZOMBIE FREAKS ARE GOING TO BE CUDDLED BACK TO HELL!
I like the music choice too, reminds me of all the evil in Naruto...
4296555
Yeah responsible gun owners also have gun safes
It's poor form to have a gun in the open where someone can just take it
4296139
Perhaps a scene with a cuddled human talking to another human who hasn't been cuddled? Generally discussing the pros and cons of the "Cuddle Crusade" along with other changes occurring with the discovery of other sapient species (perhaps have the cuddled human fist-bumping with a passing Griffin?), mention in passing a debate still going on as to whether the weather should be completely controlled or just have buffers/dampers in place for the worst sorts of weather, the effects being cuddled has on a human being, what happens after the Cuddle Crusade ends, etc, etc.
As for some funny scenes, how about:
Weird Al meeting Cheese Sandwich (Onlookers "Oh god/Celestia there's two of them!")
Cthulhu waking up, taking a look around, only to return to it's slumber while grumbling about "Being too old to deal with rassen frassen ponies!" to the confusion of the cultists. (perhaps too much)
>>>“Ah, but that is where you are wrong. See, we petitioned the Polish to get transports into Russia...>>>
"But we decided against that because all their submarines had screen doors and they insisted on having one guy push each tank from behind. I was rather impressed, though, when one of them found a corner in a round room."
Politically incorrect humor attack!
>>>With that said, the newly self-christened Zaal’gor let loose an inhuman cackle into the air, long and loud and harsh on his new vocal chords. >>>
Which caused a rock-slide in the unstable canyon, burying the necrodude for a thousand years.
4296880 I throw all my guns out in the street where they can run free!
*tosses a handful of Glocks out the window* Fly, my pretties! FLYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Oh no! A great evil to come take us all over! And it's coincidently up and about while we're still being cuddled to get rid of our evils! Who would have saw this coming?
*points thumbs at self* THIS GUY!!! (look for my previous comments for proof)
P.S. 'Nuclear engineer crusaders' GOD SAVE US ALL!!!
I for one support the cuddle crusade! I nominate North Korea and Afghanistan to go first due to terrorists (Yes, I'm aware not all of them are terrorist, but most live there) and Kin Jon Un.
4296893
Part of me has envy for those humans who try to run, or fight the ponies. Even though resistance is futile, at least they hold on to their hopes of preserving who and what they are with everything that they've got. I think it will have become far worse when people just give up all hope, and wait for the inevitable snuggle attack.
To be honest, I half expected a Zalgo reference.
Don't know who/what Zalgo is? Look it up, its great stuff, I promise.
4297156 img1.etsystatic.com/000/0/6062562/il_340x270.186439891.jpg
4299065 IT WORKED!!
I foresee Zaal'gor meeting a sudden and undignified end.
Also, you're allowed to have dialogue in the same paragraph as its attribution. You don't have to make a new line every time quotation marks appear, just when the speaker changes:
In any case, looking forward to more. Don't let Bob and Alice's sacrifice go to waste.
man i'm glad that not them right now if i was leonard i would have found a plane or boat that would get me to nearest deserted island and hope or pray for the best that they don't find me, and seeing that the president had to give in to the first time just makes it all that with my life still intact so good bye america i knew thee well *cue funral trumpet *
No. That formatting. I can't read this.
I just picked this up, and I'm pleasantly surprised with it. After the very first scene I was just about ready to put the story down immediately, then it took a turn for the ridiculous and redeemed itself wonderfully.
That being said, the end of this chapter has introduced a rather extreme change in tone. You've got a silly, over the top story filled with cute and absurdist comedy. If you try to throw an actual dangerous villain (as opposed to a spectacularly comedically ineffectual villain) into the mix, you're going to shoot your story right in the foot. If you're looking to add some seriousness to the story to balance out the absurdity, I don't think a villain is the way to go, but 4296893 seems to have some decent ideas on how to inject a slightly sombre tone without removing the silly hallmarks of this tale.
4308094
Watch episode 5 again to see how spectacularly ineffective that strategy would be.
4341474
I just thought it could use a little more drama.
I love how these joke-type stories put their tags up to indicate that they are lighthearted and funny, but then as time goes on, more tags have to be added, because much more is taking form than was previously intended. If this story gains TOO much structure, the "random" tag will have to go.
4342296 Eh.... sorry, but gotta disagree on that bit. It was nice as a cuddling conquest of Earth so far.
By the gods! This story man, Is simply hilarious.... Idk if I would run or fight it, however getting charged by cuddling ponies, who knows?
P.S I added this to the great reads section of the D'awws group as well, this is just to good!