Join Skyrim's greatest heroes; the Dragonborn, the Listener, the Archmage, and a Nightingale as they find themselves in Equestria! Oh, also there's a Daedric Prince, two undead horses, and a seriously annoyed werewolf Companion named Aela there too.
Can they survive in a land of peace and harmony?
Or better yet, can the ponies ever hope to match up against Skyrim's greatest dysfunctional family?
The answer is no, probably not.
(In the story, Shadowmere is a female horse; this is technically not cannon with the Elder Scrolls series, but I was very tired when I wrote this and it seemed to work. Please don't be mad? Also, as always, constructive criticism and comments are always appreciated, but do try to be civil! Thank you!)
Chapters (1)
...WOW that was a long chapter.
Now, here are my qualms:
1. Grammar and punctuation. Spelling was almost spot-on, and I love a lot of the word choice, but the grammar was... Not good. Here's a few quick tips:
-Character dialogue from different characters require their own paragraph. You can't jumble an entire conversation into one paragraph... Or even one pair of quotation marks, as I noticed you've done a couple times here. Each character needs his/her dialogue to not share a paragraph with another character's.
-You need to specify who's dialogue bubble it is. Adding things like "Mora said" or "the Listener exclaimed" helps us follow along, and reduces the need to check the context frequently.
-in quotation marks, a comma replaces the final period in a sentence if you end the dialogue with "he said" or "XXX exclaimed" -but not exclamation points or question marks. And if you do end with "xxx said", then the letter after the final quotation mark must be lowercased unless it's a proper noun. Observe:
That is incorrect, whereas THIS-
-is the correct way to do this. Also-
-works. But this-
-does not.
But above all else, I'd find yourself a prereader. It never hurts.
2. The length. While I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE long stories, I DON'T like long chapters. I love your enthusiasm, but massive chapters tend to be daunting for most readers, and they might not give your story a shot simply because they don't have the time to read. I'd go no farther than 10k words a chapter, max.
3. The characters personalities. Or rather, lack thereof. You seem to only use a single defining trait for each character -some characters almost being completely identical!- and that can lead to a boring and predictable story.
Also, while the horribly-abusive Twilight is funny for a moment, it seems to come out of nowhere, for no real reason whatsoever.
4. Character dialogue. It's HORRIBLY out-of-character for a resident of the frozen province. But I don't mind this too much, as the dialogue exchanges are somewhat entertaining.
Now, here's what I LIKE about the story:
1. Originality... sort of. The idea that all end-of-quest-tree player characters are not only different people, but all related in a twisted extended family is very entertaining. But once more, you NEED to develop those personalities better, else it will be all for naught.
2. Adherence to lore. From what I can see, you haven't completely abandoned the lore of Mundus and Oblivion, and I like that.
3. Potential. This story has me asking many questions, and I want to find out what happens next! Did someone use an Elder Scroll to open the portal? What is happening in Tamriel while this is going on? Is there another Oblivion crisis? Is Equestria itself a continent on Nirn? Or perhaps on one of the planets/moons circling Nirn? But most of all... Who won the fight for Skyrim in this universe? The Imperial Legion, or Ulfric's Rebellion? I have to find out!
So, I'm going to keep watching this story, and I hope that you take my advice. May the divines watch over you!