The Internet

by Hodd

Trololololol

A bright flash in the center of her large bedroom startled Celestia. She looked to its source, and immediately noticed two figures.

"Applejack, Twilight, I'm glad you're here. Things have gotten worse."

"We know, Princess," replied Twilight. "The trolls got Pinkie." Applejack's gaze lowered, and Princess Celestia's eyes widened.

"Then it is even worse than I feared. The internet has now full entered our world. The time to act is now," Princess Celestia explained. "Twilight, I trust you've already experienced trolling, so I have no doubt that you will be able to pick it up quickly. Applejack, watch closely, and try to follow our lead."

With that, three computer terminals formed in the center of the room. Celestia did not hesitate, and immediately sat down at one of them. Twilight followed, and soon after, Applejack joined in. Celestia and Twilight both opened up Firefox, and within minutes created accounts for YouTube, Reddit, Tumblr, 9gag, Twitter, and even the dreaded 4chan. Within another three minutes, both the Princess and Twilight had created accounts for WoW and Team Fortress 2, and even Counter-Strike. Applejack, on the other hand, was stuck in the registration process of YouTube.

"Twilight, go help Applejack with her accounts, I'll take control in the meantime." Twilight agreed, and hopped up from her monitor to walk over to help AJ.

"Ok, there. You're all set up with your accounts," she said after a few minutes of rushed typing.

"Uh, why is mah username bitch_cake_8939?" Applejack inquired.

"Don't worry about that. Just watch what the Princess and I do, and try to copy it."

By this time, Celestia had already downloaded six different hacked clients for Counter-Strike, five for Team Fortress, and had even managed to hack into the WoW servers, allowing her to attack and kill players on sight. The trolling has officially started.

"Princess, how's the progress?" asked Twilight.

"Good, my student. I'll focus my efforts on making these n00bz ragequit. You troll all the forums you can. Don't stop until all profiles have been abandoned from total ragequit."

"On it."

From Celestia's headset, explosions, and raging voices could be heard.

"No, you're a homo. No, you're gay. Well you sound like a five year old. Headshot. Headshot. Headshot. What are you gonna do? Headshot. Yeah, I'm hacking, what are you gonna do? Go ahead, call the admins, I'll hack them too. Headshot. U mad? Yeah, dude, you're mad." Celestia's normally regal and flowing voice had dulled into a far less civilized one. A thin, wide grin had formed on her face.

"Celestia, how many n00bz have you made ragequit?" Twilight called over.

"Hmm, looks to be about forty. How many accounts have you gotten shut down?"

"By my numbers, at least twenty. Although, I've begun to resort to directly hacking their accounts, and changing their info, deleting friends and contacts, posting embarrassing photos and statuses, so on and so forth."

"Good, my student you are learning well. Applejack? How many people have you trolled?"

"Um, well... None. But I did meet this nice fella from Boston, wherever that is," replied the orange mare.

"Dammit, AJ! We're supposed to troll the users, not befriend them! Tell him he's ugly, and that he probably lives with his mom," scolded Twilight.

"But, he's been so nice."

"Now!"

"Applejack, don't use rage faces! You're only going to give it strength!" scolded the unicorn once more.

"OK, OK, jeez. I can't do any of this right, so I'll just go keep watch over at that window," replied Applejack, pointing to a window on the far wall.

"Ok. Tell us if there's any immediate danger."

Applejack gave a small salute, and took her position at the window.

"Uh, Twilight, things are gettin' weird out there."

"We know, Applejack. The internet is a weird thing. That is why we must destroy it once and for all."

---

The constant clicking and clacking of keys went on for hours into the night. Beads of sweat dripped from both Twilight and the Princess. They'd each both trolled well over a few thousand users, and had already put a dent in the number left. The only problem was that whatever was already here would only disappear after the internet had been completely trolled into Oblivion.

"Applejack! Report!" ordered the Princess.

"Uh, well, there are cats everywhere, there's some guy down in Canterlot singing a song that has no words, this weird mouth thing keeps firing its laser, there are cats made of pastries flying around poopin' rainbows, and Rick Astley has officially made a comeback."

"Twilight, we must troll faster," began Celestia. "This is going to require much more than run of the mill Mountain Dew. We need Mountain Dew; Pitch Black."

Applejack's eyes widened. "But, Princess, Pitch Black is nothing but caffeine, water, and sugar! It's caused more diabetes than Paula Dean's cooking!"

"It's the only way we can get the energy needed to troll at the rate we need."

"It's pure sugary diabetes-inducing intensity would drive even the burliest of ponies completely loopy! The only pony to survive was Derpy, and she got a severe case of the Derps!"

"It's the only way," replied Celestia plainly.

With that, two bottles of Mountain Dew; Pitch Black synthesized on the desks which held up Celestia's and Twilight's monitors. Without hesitation, both uncapped and downed their drink, increasing the rate of their typing. The rate of trolling increased dramatically with the caffeine sending them both into hyper focus. Twilight had trolled another, and then another, and then three more, ten more, fifty more, three hundred more.

Applejack could only watch in amazement as the two performed a feat only ever dreamed of by trolls everywhere. They were trolling the entire internet. Not a single internet user was safe. Grandmothers and Yahoo Answers were victims, as well as twelve year olds on Facebook, and God help those who found themselves on Twitter.

After a time, however, the Internet began to fight back. One can only pester a giant so far until it retaliates. From outside the castle's windows, the Nyan cat song could easily be heard, and even Rick Astley began to filter in through the glass. The castle shook as a blast from a rather powerful LAZAR ripped a large hole in the Eastern Wing.

"Uh, Celestia? Exactly how long is this going to take?" asked Applejack nervously.

"At this rate, less than twenty minutes," responded the regal pony.

WTF

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!

The very foundation of the structure shook, and plaster dust rained from the ceiling as the castle shifted, and resettled.

"What in Equestria was that?!" asked Applejack, clearly shaken at what had just happened.

"The internet is starting to use its most powerful weapons," answered Twilight. "This is going to get rough."

Twilight was right. Over the course of the next ten or so minutes, several more LAZARS and WTF bombs shook the land. Now, bricks fell from the ceiling, and windows were shattered. AJ desperately tried to cover them up with wood planks before who-knows-what crawls through them. Applejack peered through a small open space between to planks.

"Uh, Twi? Why is there a human out there with long blonde hair, and really homoerotic purple spandex pants?"

Twilight's eyes widened. "Is there music with it?"

"Um, I think so. The words don't make any sense, and the singing is really high pitched, but It's so catchy, I can't stop listening to it."

"Applejack, get away from the window! 'HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA' is one of the worst, but most addicting songs on the internet!"

Applejack didn't move, but kept her eyes fixated out the window.

"Applejack, you have to get away from the window! We only need another minute!"

"Twi, the homoerotic super hero is gone, but there are about three warlocks, a mage, and two knights outside ready to charge."

"Applejack, get away from the window!!!"

It was too late. By the time that Twilight had uttered the last word, a single warlock had smashed through the window, sending Applejack flying.

LEEEEEEEEROYYYYYYYY JEEEEEEENKIIIIIIINSSSSSSSS

"Celestia! How long until the process is completed!?" Twilight asked, Leeroy now turning his attention to her.

"I have one left, but he's harder than I thought! He's been able to stop all my hacks, and I've been unable to think of a witty comeback whenever he backtrolls me!"

"Can you hack into the site, and give yourself admin privileges?" Twilight asked, Leeroy Jenkins now closing in on her.

"I suppose, why?"

Twilight managed to dodge his blind charge giving her a moment of time. "Use the Banhammer!!!"

With a rapid succession of keystrokes, the Banhammer was seconds from use. Leeroy was now less than ten feet and closing. Twilight curled up, expecting the worst.

Twilight looked up. Leeroy was gone, and Applejack was awakening over by the far wall where she'd landed. Twilight looked around. All was fixed. Any evidence that the internet was ever even in Equestria was now gone.

The computers that sat on the desks displayed;

Firefox Could Not Open Page
You are not connected to the internet.

At last, peace was restored to Equestria once more.

Comments

[RusselNotSCP]

hah! nice