Loyalty Ignited

Friendship is Magic: the Gathering46 stories ·250 members

Rainbow Dash. Element of Loyalty. Royal Guard. Planeswalker. When Scootaloo and the other Crusaders come to her for her Cutie Mark story, what they get is nothing like what they expected.

(Takes place during Season 1 with some minor alterations to the established canon. Crossover with Magic: the Gathering.)

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 3
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Speven Dillberg

Speven Dillberg #1 · Mar 27th, 2014 · · ·

Oooh, you're treading a little too close to what FanOfMostEverything did with Ditzy. Her first encounter was with Tezzeret, too.

Also, the longer the chapter, the better. Too short.

FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #2 · Mar 27th, 2014 · 1 · ·

All of this inspired Scootaloo; much like her own father’s somewhat ridiculous feats inspired her.

Hmm. Well, that's an intriguing hint. And I always like to see a story with living Scootaparents.

This story could definitely use some editing. Awkward sentences, abrupt tense shifts, diction during the flashback that doesn't sound like Rainbow Dash in the least (and if her character has changed as much as it seems, then you shouldn't be recycling her dialogue from "Cutie Mark Chronicles.")
Still, I'm always happy to see another Magic crossover.

Also, Tezzeret doesn't seem like a very good fit for Dash. I had him tutor Ditzy because both are blue mages who try to be serious in spite of their innate wiseassery, and it was an excuse to procrastinate on Bolas's orders for a few hours. (Long enough to get a sense of smug satisfaction, but not so long that Tezz risked getting eaten.) Here, it's unclear why he's in Innistrad or why he's bothering to tutor some random schlub. Sure, it's implied that Bolas foresaw this, but why send someone who'd stick out like an etherium thumb on the Gothic horror plane?
I see Dash as mostly red, shading into white: impulsive, aggressive, and overconfident, but devoted to those she holds dear. Remember, this is the pony who kicked a dragon in the face because she was bored. The idea of her studying blue magic, embracing a philosophy of thinking before acting... Friendship is Witchcraft put it best: that's so un-Rainbow! Someone like Chandra, Gideon, or Ajani would be a much better fit. Even Sarkhan Vol might have been a possibility if Dash had 'walked before he went mad.

There's also the matter of the nature of the Multiverse and the existence of planeswalkers. These things are not usually common knowledge. Celestia and Luna may know of them, but from the sound of it, you've made that information part of the curriculum in every school in Equestria. This also raises the question of how Dash knew about humans. Are they teaching xenobiology in flight school, or are there humans native to Equestria's plane?
(On the topic of foreign lifeforms, there are no pegasi in Innistrad. The closest creatures are the gryffs, which were thought extinct before the Helvault was busted open. Depending on how well those villagers saw Dash, there may be torches and pitchforks in the flashback's immediate future.)
All in all, there are clearly more than "some minor alterations" to canon. Dash's Spark has caused a butterfly effect that has swept the nation, if not the plane. That's not a bad thing, but you need to acknowledge it.

On the other hand, this is the first chapter. I shouldn't pass judgement until I get more information. I look forward to seeing where you go with this. I criticize because I want this story live up to its full potential.

Oh, and one last thing: Combat enhancement and untapping your dudes don't mix well on a sorcery. Given the awkward cost and the flavor of a Rainboom, you could easily get away with making this an instant. Heck, you could probably drop the cost by a mana or two. Though I do like the callback to Nyan Manticore.

Baby Rhino