JD and Devin's Adventures In Equestria

Norty Ahri #1 · Jul 23rd, 2014 · 6 · · Friendship is Magic Part 1 (Introducing The Freeman Brothers!) ·

Bronies taking the roll of a human protagonist in a HiE don't tend to work well. There is a good reason behind that. A brony already knows the characters, removing half of everything. Half of the interest, half of the getting-to-know, half of the learning-to-trust yada yada yada, ultimately removing half of what is interesting about HiEs, which is, of course, building the bridges between the human and the ponies, and seeing how they interact with each other.

That's just the main issue. There are other things I can speak about to help you improve, but only if you hit me up with a reply asking for it.

Tailgate

Tailgate #2 · Jul 23rd, 2014 · 6 · · Friendship is Magic Part 1 (Introducing The Freeman Brothers!) ·

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Holy mother of tags!

Alright, so self-insert, romance, oooooh this is gonna be good.

Some technical errors. Dialogue is iffy.

Alright, so whatever, let's just- What? Okay so you tell the readers you made a reference at the very start of the chapter after making it. Not good.

Maybe it will pick u- Nope. You proceed to do it two more times. The former shown below. which you broke the fourth wall in.

"I never leave home without my Arondight!" Red JD declared.
"Wait, we just made a reference to Legend of Zelda Four Swords and Sonic and the Black Knight." Devin stated.
Red JD just clicked his tongue and pointed at Devin with his hand in the shape of a gun. Devin looked at the readers of this fanfic.
"See? We told you guys we'd be making references to other games. This is what you get for not reading the description!" Devin said to the readers.

Okay, look, a reference should not have to be mentioned in a story, it should just be there, regardless of how subtle.

Also...

"Don't worry I found it." Devin said as he clicked the light switch. "Hang on, what's wrong with this thing?" Devin said as he kept flickering the light switch.
"Devin, that's not a light switch, that is my penis." Red JD stated.
"Dah! What the fuck, Red?!" Devin asked Red JD.

What.
How do you even?

Then the romance tag kicks in.

Purple JD saw Pinkie Pie.
"Hi." Purple JD said in a deep blush.
"I'm Pinkie Pie, what's your name?" Pinkie asked Purple JD.
"Purple JD." Purple JD said.
"Ok, have fun, lover boy." JD left Purple JD and Pinkie Pie alone.
"Hey, Fluttershy, right?" JD asked Fluttershy.
"Yes?" Fluttershy said while frightened.
"My name is JD Freeman, I'm a human and this little guy is Komainu, he is a Spectrobe but he is a lion-dog." JD told Fluttershy.
"What's a Spectrobe?" Fluttershy asked JD.
"Well a Spectrobe is a type of creature you use in battles, and for excavations." JD explained Fluttershy.
"They dig stuff?" Fluttershy asked JD.
"No, they find stuff and show me where to dig." JD explained.
There are 3 types of Spectrobes: Child, Adult, and Evolved." JD told Fluttershy.
"I think There are 3 or 5 elements: Corona, Aurora, Flash, Earth, Sky, Plant, Water, Fire." JD tried to think how many elements there are.
"Bro. That's 8 elements." Devin deadpanned.
"Thank you for telling me about those Spectrobes." Fluttershy told JD.
"Say, do wanna um.... go to the Summer Sun Celebration and see my birds sing, I mean If you want to." Fluttershy asked JD.
"Sure." JD whispered in Fluttershy's ear.
"I'll see you there." Fluttershy told JD.
"All right." JD said while he was blushing.
"I saw that." Blue JD deadpanned.
"What, she's cute so?" JD asked Blue JD.
"Listen, falling in love is one thing, but with two ponies, JD but I think-" Blue JD was interrupted by JD.

This is terrible story writing. Period.

I think that love at first sight is a terrible way to do romance, however, this is worse than that. At least decent love at first sight stories have some sort of build up. This is just butchering the genre!

Also stop putting ~~shitty~~ ~~fucking~~ unnecessary dialogue in about references each time you blatantly mention something not MLP.

KaBar42

KaBar42 #3 · Jul 24th, 2014 · 5 · · Friendship is Magic Part 1 (Introducing The Freeman Brothers!) ·

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The Slice of Life tag cannot be added, so I'll just type it here, then.

I have nothing to say for this idiocy.

So I'll leave you with this.
You Bambis amaze me.

Brony_Fife

Brony_Fife #4 · Jul 24th, 2014 · 11 · · Prologue: A Bad Night Leads To Great Adventures ·

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JD Freeman was having a rough night, his parents were really getting on his case, "Guys, c'mon!" JD complained. "JD, you have to understand that cartoons aren't real!" his mom told him straight-up. "Especially, not that gay, frilly, girly, show you watch!" his stepdad, Henry said, mocking him. "I'm not gay!" JD yelled. "No, JD, Henry didn't say that, he said the show was gay." his mom explained. "Which he's insinuating that I'm gay!" JD yelled. "Can we stop with the screaming, J-D?" Henry asked, still mocking him. "I'M NOT SCREAMING!" JD screamed. Henry wasn't going to put up with his screaming.

This opening paragraph brought to you by Awkward Character Establishment, Inc. and Absolutely No Speaker Separation, Limited.

"It's not my fault that he likes to watch faggot shit!" Henry retorted.

It's also not his fault his stepson acts like faggot shit. I'm with Henry on this one.
#TeamHenry

"Henry!" mom shouted.

"But what will the neighbors think?"

JD was just laying in bed, in his black and dark blue pajamas pissed off about what Henry said, he's surprised that his younger brother, Devin didn't wake up when he slammed the door, he was already fast asleep before JD's (so called) conversation with his parents.

You've no idea at all how badly I wish you could just use a period, you know because it isn't hard, why is that such a problem here, it's more than a little disorienting.

"He's such a freaking homophobe!"

Or alternatively, maybe you're just being a pussy.

"I just wish... that MLP was real... that way, everything would be REALLY fun!" JD whispered.

derpicdn.net/img/2012/12/2/170638/thumb.png

"Now what in Farore...?" JD began to ask.

i121.photobucket.com/albums/o229/Djupi/facepalm.jpg

do i even have to

"Henry!! Get up, our kids are missing!!!"

"With any luck they'll stay lost this time. I'll get the champagne, you start up the Peter Gabriel album."

A-T-V

A-T-V #5 · Jul 24th, 2014 · 2 · · Friendship is Magic Part 1 (Introducing The Freeman Brothers!) ·

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s2.quickmeme.com/img/69/6900e22130e77b88a417cd939fef6bc4092459b5070f36cea0250645b2082359.jpg

EonCrystal

EonCrystal #6 · Jul 25th, 2014 · · · Prologue: A Bad Night Leads To Great Adventures ·

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Dear sweet... EVERYTHING! here have a freaking like. (God only knows how much you need it) don't dissappoint or make me regret giving too you.

Starlight Nova

Starlight Nova #7 · Jul 29th, 2014 · · · Friendship is Magic Part 1 (Introducing The Freeman Brothers!) ·

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What is this a crossover of?

Lloyd Shamrock

Lloyd Shamrock #8 · Jul 30th, 2014 · · · Friendship is Magic Part 1 (Introducing The Freeman Brothers!) ·

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4767227 Spectrobes, Four Swords Misadventures, and bunch of other things. I'm having someone revise and redo this fanfic because of all the negativity I'm getting in the comments.

Patient X