A new Beginning
Canterlot
Three months later…
The royal funeral just ended. It was a massive public display, put on for the general populous of Equestria. While the real bodies were laid to rest months ago, this was an opportunity for the common ponies to pay their final respects to Celestia, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Dayspring Gleam. As well as all those that lost their lives in the recent conflicts. Over two thousand ponies had died in those wars, and that wasn’t even counting the griffins or the dragons that had died.
Luna declared that the funeral would be held the day after the palace was rebuilt. The palace was the first building rebuilt in all of Canterlot. It was a mark of the love the ponies had for their leaders that everypony wanted to help. Luna had to admit, they did a good job. While it would never be the one Celestia built, it was still a monument to peace and harmony. Everything Celestia stood for. As such, Luna christened it: Celestia’s Palace.
As the last two ponies outside, Luna turned to her fellow princess and spoke. “Shimmering Night, we believe it's time to hold court.”
“Are you sure, Luna? It's been a trying day after all.”
“We are. We wish to do something upbeat to relieve the gloom. Besides, we are under the impression that Princess Aurora finally made it back.”
“Yes, she arrived earlier today.”
“Wonderful, go and fetch her, we have something we wish to tell her.” Luna gestured to the nearest royal guard, who immediately took off after Aurora.
“Come Night, we shall await your sister in the throne room.”
…………
Aurora Flash felt like she was walking into the center of an ambush. Ponies on every side of the room were staring at her. If it weren't for the smiles on Princess Luna and Night’s face, she would have flown out the nearest window.
“Princess Aurora Flash, welcome back from Warclaw. Before we begin let me ask, have you been to visit Rainbow and Twilight yet?”
“No, not yet. Night’s letters filled me in on what happen though. Sorry I couldn’t get back sooner, it took a while for my wing to heal.”
“Very well, let us began; we shall keep this brief.”
Night snickered at that, Luna kept everything brief.
Glaring at Shimmering Night’s giggling, Luna had a better thought. “Princess Shimmering Night, do you wish to do the honors?”
“I would love to.”
Shimmering night jumped off her throne and walked up to her sister, who stuck out her tongue playfully at the alicorn. “Princess Aurora Flash, by the authority of the ruling body of Equestria. We hereby dub you: Royal Ambassador to Warclaw.”
Aurora’s jaw dropped at that. “What?”
“Tis’ not something you want?” Luna asked.
“No, it’s not that, I just wasn't expecting it, that’s all.” Memories of all the times she spent with Icarus came back to the mare. She thought about all the time they would have together now.
“So tis’ good news then, come take a seat, we wish to talk more after a few items of business.”
Aurora sit down and watched Princess Luna and her sister work. She had to admit, Night was a natural when it came to leading. Although, Aurora did notice one thing about Night; every few minutes she would glance over to her right. As if she was expecting somepony to be there. It was small, most ponies would not even notice. Aurora did. Night missed having her husband by her side. Even if she hated Bright Dawn, Night still missed the companionship his presence brought.
Just as they were about to finish, a three-pony squad of Wonderbolts came through the window. For the past three months the Wonderbolts were tasked to find any and all escapees from Tartarus. They were getting very good at their job. Anything they found was immediately reported to the princesses and handled with due speed. The only downside was that their new duties left them no time for any performances.
Luna shot up out of her seat at their arrival. “What did you find?” She asked.
The squad leader gave his report with a sharp salute. “Princess Luna, Princess Night. A Tartarus escapee has been located near Appleloosa. We have him under surveillance now.”
“Who is it?”
Ataxia walked out of the crowd. Over the past few months she learned how to transform herself from pony to dragacorn at will. Right now, she needed the dragacorn. All the ponies in court ran out the door at the sight of a pony transforming into a half dragon in front of them. For her part, Luna simply laughed. They would get used to it, or not, she really didn’t bucking care.
“We believe it to be Tirek.”
“Tirek? How big is he?” Luna asked, a worried expression on her face at that name.
“No bigger than an earth pony.”
Luna smiled at that news. “Very well, we shall leave at once. Come Ataxia, let us vanquish this foe once and for all.”
“Luna wait!”
“Yes Night, what is it?”
“Let me go with Ataxia on this on.”
“Night, Tirek is no ordinary foe.”
“I know, I read the reports, I know what to do. It’s just that I need to stretch my wings, sort of speak, and you did take the last three after all.”
Luna thought about this for a while. “Very well Night, we shall let you take this one. But if you do not get back in a day we shall have to inform Princess Dash.”
“Understood.” Night knew what that meant. They had vowed to each other to leave Rainbow and Twilight alone until they were ready. For the two princesses, they considered it a sin to involve them with anything that they did not volunteer for. That meant failure was not an option.
Luna watched as Ataxia and Night took off, led by the Wonderbolt squad to deal with this newly identified threat.
“Will they be ok?”
Luna turned to Aurora. “They will be fine, dear Aurora. Tirek is a serious threat, but those two are no slouches. We would say he is in for a world of hurt.”
Looking at the mare, Luna was reminded of what she wanted to ask her. “So, when will you tell Rainbow?”
“Is it that obvious?” Aurora held a hoof to the source of her skittishness: Her stomach and the foal growing there.
“Not yet Aurora, but you cannot hide if for much longer.”
“I know, I was just hoping that things would get better first. It doesn’t seem right to have good news at a time like this. Besides, she doesn’t even know about me and Icarus yet.”
“Times like this are the best times to have such news. You know how Rainbow is with her family, she will welcome this news.”
“I’ll think about it.” Aurora was not that sure Rainbow would take the news as well as Luna said.
…………………………..
Ponyville
By royal decree Spike and Rarity were put in charge of the rebuilding of Ponyville. While everypony expected Rarity to design every aspect of the town from the ground up, for the past three months her only focus was on Twilight and Rainbow’s house.
For Spike, every single detail was exactly how he remembered it. However, His wife fully disagreed. “That’s not where the couch was. It was two inches the other way.”
“Rarity, It doesn't matter, I don’t think they will mind if its two inches off.”
“I mind. That's what matters.”
“Yes dear.”
Spike did the heavy lifting. With Twilight out of the picture, Night and Luna figured out how to transform him back into his pony form, something he was eternally grateful for. However, his wife seemed to be utterly convinced that Rainbow and Twilight would never get back together if their house was not back exactly the way it was.
“No Spike; I said two inches, that’s three.”
“Rarity, they're not even back together yet.”
The glare she gave him told him to shut up better than any words ever could. “I know Spike, but I also know in my heart that they will be back together. When that happens. They will need a place to stay and I want this to be perfect for them. Now move it back one inch the other way.”
“Yes dear.”
…………………………….
Crystal Palace
As Commander Firestar promised, every single day she would wake up, turn and face the prince in her bed and call him an Idiot. His only reply was a kiss on her lips. While it was not the most pleasant experience to kiss somepony who had yet to brush their teeth, she learned to enjoy it after a while. For Radiant, he found himself helping her with a lot of normal daily activities. She could not stand on her legs. The damage had yet to fully heal.
Although many offered, Firestar would not let anyone else help her and neither would Radiant. He loved every second of it.
Much to the annoyance of several ponies, Cloudsdale was relocated above the Crystal Empire. Any request to relocate it was meant by an immediate ‘hell no’ from the current commander’s office. Only one pony ever sought to push the issue. No one has seen him since. When questioned, Firestar’s reply was that he would ‘eventually’ come back. Nopony has asked further in that regard.
It was easy for anypony to see how much Radiant and Firestar loved each other; many wondered when they would tie the knot. After the sixteenth time somepony asked, Firestar declared a press conference and let everypony know that they would get married when she could bucking walk down the aisle on her own.
It was something that all the doctors say is impossible.
It was something that occurred three months later.
………………
Night River
At the western edge of Equestria's newest river, Bright Dawn flew to exhaustion yet again. Every single day he would repeat this pattern, flying as fast and as far as he could to escape his inner demons. It never worked. They stalked his dream with impunity these past few weeks. He was trying to kill himself. Purposely flying into mountains and rivers. Every time it made the situation worse, not better. It would force him into the dreamscape, where that ‘thing’ waited for him.
His dreams were infinitely worse than the time he spent under the care of the Shadowbeings. The ‘thing’ in them mocked his failure. It mocked his role in bringing back Twilight Sparkle to this world. It laughed at his attempted failures at suicide, promising that it would never let him succeed at killing himself.
Unlike before, there was no voice that pulled him back. There was no soft whisper that would cause him to avoid going over the edge. His wife was gone. No, not gone, worse. She hated him. Her voice did not come in the middle of the night to save him, and tonight, he needed that more than anything else.
For tonight the truth of it all was shown to him. It showed him his time under the care of Twilight Night’s minions. The wound in his side was not a simple cut. The Shadowbeings opened him up and implanted a stone into the stallion. They cloaked it in a magic shield that hid it from examination. Slowly, it corrupted him, causing him to blame another for all the pain he suffered. It knew he would fail: It wanted him weak. It wanted him isolated. It wanted him alone. Through simple suggestions, it achieved all of these things and nopony suspected the truth.
Bright Dawn screamed in agony as the revenant was released from the stone hidden inside of him. The revenant devoured his soul whole. Its power warped around the pegasus, turning him dark as night.
The being that used to be known as Bright Dawn cocked its head; in a devilish voice it spoke. “So, the master got himself killed. Interesting.” With a glance south it continued. “Hmm… One of my siblings is still around. I guess it would be rude of me to not say hello.”
The revenant shot straight up into the air and took off to the south. Its laughter was heard several towns away. “Mortals are so easy to corrupt.”
……………………
Flying Lessons
“I don’t know about this, Rainbow. This just doesn’t feel natural to me.”
“I told you Twi. That’s because you weren't born with wings. You have to work twice as hard at it to get it down.”
“I think my magic instructors would disagree on what I should be spending my time on.”
“Buck-em, trust me Twi, I’m right.”
“I know you think that.” Twilight struggled to simply stay in the air at this point.
“Twi, I told you, you really got to flap them hard!”
Twilight felt the end of her endurance catch up to her. Despite Rainbow’s training this was the end for her right now. She could fly no farther without taking a break. So she set down on the first cloud she saw.
“Sorry Rainbow, I just need to rest for a minute.”
“Ok Twi, but just a minute.”
Rainbow flew over to Twilight, disappointed that her muscle memory seemed to have left in her wings. She could walk and talk just fine, magic seemed to be coming back to her without much issue, but it was as if somepony had hit the reset button with her flying skills.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she saw Twilight start to shiver on the cloud. Without thinking about it, Rainbow landed right next to Twilight and wrapped a wing around her.
Twilight started blushing at the unexpected contact. “Rainbow?”
Rainbow looked at her before realizing were her wing was. “Oh, sorry Twi.” She immediately removed the errant wing.
“Actually, I'm a little cold, can you leave it?”
“Of course.” Rainbow rewrapped the wing around Twilight. Fear that this moment would come to an unwanted end coursed through her spine.
As soon as the wing returned, Twilight sighed in contentment. “Thanks Rainbow.” She lay her head down on the cloud, while enjoying the warmth from the wing and Rainbow’s body heat.
Rainbow stayed in that position, too many memories came flooding back to the mare. This was an event she never wanted to end.
“I don’t know why Rainbow, but this just feels right to me.” Twilight shut her eyes, drifting off to sleep.
As Twilight fell asleep, Rainbow rested her head against Twilight’s, Taking in a deep breath, full of the sent of the mare she so missed, Rainbow added. “You know Twi, this feels right to me too.”
Rainbow’s last sight before falling asleep was of the reflection and refraction of light in the water droplets in the sky, which formed a gorgeous rainbow that appeared right above them.
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all of it! i loved ll of it! i love how the end is always 'happy,' i love how the villains always get what they deserve, i just fucking love it all! so long as twilight and rainbow continue to live together in happiness and harmony, i'm going to love this series.
1. I love your style of writing and the general plot.
You really brought the characters to life, and I am a quite jealous of that fact.
3. I would love to read more on Firestar and Radiant.
4. This has been an absolutely amazing story and is officially one of my top favorites.
1. You managed to make a dark story that was obviously dark, yet was not overwhelmingly so. You managed to make a romance be a driving force on a scale grander than i have ever seen before. You managed to keep so many strands in play at all times without leaving any of them over or under saturated.
2. I feel like you left the romance hanging a bit to much, there was a lot of focus on the times they could not be together and very little focus on when they could, it really needs a balance (finding balance of anything in a story is a hard thing).
3. I am intrigued over Ataxia. Almost every major character were involved in some kind of romance where as Ataxia was not. Instead she was written in a prophesy implied to have been made by Discord/Chaos. I would love to find out more about her and this prophesy. Maybe her finding a love interest while searching for answers about previously mentioned prophesy?
I also feel like you have left us without real closure on the whole Twilight losing her memory thing, might want to write some more on that as-well.
4. Thank you very much for writing this for us (and also for actually specifying how many pages this approximates to, I've been looking for a good reference on word:page ratio for ages). I've been following this continuity since day one and you have never failed to put a smile on my face simply by updating this story. It has greatly helped me get through some relatively rough times, I am currently recovering from surgery in my foot and am as such relatively immobile and this story(among others) has greatly helped me through that situation. I still can't believe how good a painkiller MLP-fics are...
11/10 Mustaches
Ok, so a continuation of my last comment from the previous chapter: I friggin loved this. First off, it answers ANY questions that people might have as to how the characters fared after the conclusion of the debacle in Ponyville. Second, I love how determined Firestar was, and how she proved all the doctors wrong. Third, I'm really glad that Rainbow is taking an optimistic approach to helping Twi with all her memories. I'm glad that they get to fall in love all over again (I'm such a big sap sometimes
). I would love to see a mini-series with just those experiences. Oh, and Twidashforever, I'm glad that you didn't let me preread these for you. I would've said way too much in my reply to you instead of here (and I feel that it belongs here where everypony can see instead of in an email 
) And I still have the most idiotic grin on my face right now 
I could go all day on how much I loved these two chapters alone, so for the story as a whole, I've got to say that it was an emotional rollercoaster for me. There were ups, there were downs, there were parts that I THOUGHT I knew what was gonna happen, but then the complete opposite happened, and I have to say that I'm not removing this from my favorites just because it's done with. (I should probably stop now, as I'm reaching blog post length) So I'm gonna back away while saying that it is one of my all time favorite stories, and this includes the actual physical books and ebooks that I've read. (I have to say that Lone Survivor takes the number 1 spot, for the sole reason that I respect and honor the shit out of those guys. They were true heroes. Never forget Op Redwing.)
Well You asked for it.
1. I honestly can’t say there was anything super likeable about the story. This was due mainly because of its biggest flaw, which is in the style of the writing and how the information was presented, rather than any real plot issues or character problems. I’m not saying it was a bad idea and you had a nice plot to run with, but the way it was told just made me go…meh.
2. The big problem with the story is the way the information is presented. You basically just threw stuff as fast as you could to present the story. On top of which, there was no internal thought process, it was all action and dialogue. It felt a lot like I was reading the script for a MLP show rather than a book based on it. Sure, you could picture everything going on, all the subtle face movements that tell emotions and all that, but you’re the writer. We’re not. This left a lot of the dialogue feeling flat.
The only way writing challenges television is by giving us a perfect look at the minds of the characters and lets us experience those thoughts and emotions as if they were our own. Here we get no emotional connection whatsoever; or a barely noticeable one at any rate because that is completely lacking or done in a way that makes it feel cold and robotic. You explain the reasoning after its done instead of showing us the thought process of how the characters arrive at their actions. I’m not talking about something like italicized font thought processes, but something more along the lines of a half-formed description of something that takes more than just one sentence to complete.
Without that connection that formed because of that, well hell, I really didn’t give much of a damn when either of Twilight’s kids died. They were plot points, not characters. Night throwing away her love of her husband like flipping a switch was another thing like that, it was just a few lines of dialogue and her actions, no internalization whatsoever. Was she angry? Sad? Did a piece of her just die and become this cold void as she realized the man she loved was in fact just some idiot who was just rationalizing his own fears as what was best for Equestria? We just don’t know.
3. The most interesting story would probably be the amnesia Twilight trying to discover herself self and Rainbow Dash trying to get her to fall back in love and the problems that would cause in their relationship. Hell, it probably isn’t even salvageable without a hell of a lot of work, and is far more believable that Twilight would fall for a normal pony that’s actually approachable rather than some immortal being that knows everything about her from the get go.
4. You’re not a bad writer when it comes to ideas and you know what you want to say, you just need to figure out a better way to say it, and take the time to do so.
4427798
well thanks for being honest. i was juggling so many plot points and characters that I was focussed on trying to keep all the balls in the air 'sorta speak'
It seems as if the man issue you had was the style of my writing? if I may ask, why did you read it? I don't think it changed from any of the stories that came before this and as you said it felt really meh.
I dont normally read 1000 pages of meh.
4427782
I like to keep everyone on the edge for the last chapter
I did leave Cadance out for the epilogue, manly cause I did not have anything to say about her. (she continues ruling the crystal empire while her son gets married.) seemed unnecessary.
4427729
Ya i may have done too much in this story, I had so many romances and characters going that I had to take a BUNCH of notes on where everyone was so i didn't forget anyone for more then a chapter or two.
it took me awhile to find that out. 250 words per page is the avg count for a normal book.
4427718
4427693
4427589
Thanks.
ya it shocked me how popular Firestar got. i think I might do more with her and Radiant. (Maybe with a kid or so too...)
I like the plot so I wanted to see how it ended.
4427949
ah ok.
Cant say I'm sure how to fix it for my next story...
i will give it some thought, but no promises.
4427916
So what you are saying is that instead of reading a book on 250 pages for my english homework... I have read like 2000 pages of MLP fanfiction... wow... just wow...
4428145
Something a lot of teachers do not understand, reading should never be a chore. when its something you like, (like MLP fan fiction) it is so easy to become engrossed in it that you will loose track of just how much you have read.
it doesn't matter what you read just that you read.
4428167
The lack of a book report did not agree.
4428187
far enough lol
maybe you could talk them into letting you do a book report on a story? A lot of times they might work with you.
4428198
not when your teacher does not see anything that is not a physical book as literature...
4428212
sadly they 'give' the grades so they make the call
the good thing is teachers will come and go.
I noticed that no one really cared when Celestia died.
I think it's because she never does anything in the show so her death really doesn't matter.
4428208
I actually feel sorry for Dawn in the end. He got screwed.
You see normally I like to talk carp about dawn after these past chapters but I'm done doing that, I still hate his guts but I also very VERY bad for him he was manipulated into thinking the way he did about twi which led to his world crumbled and in disarray
1. I loved how you could always keep me on my feet after every chapter and my favorite is how you expertly detail the relationship between twi and rainbow so much to were when they hurt we hurt as well
2.this story was TO DAMN SAD!!!
3.firestars marriage and about the mysterious unicorn at the river?
4. WRITE MORE
4428870 Contrast works wonders. Sad moments are that much sadder when there are happy moments.
You don't remember the unicorn that died in 'Pain and Loss'?
they never found his body
4430416 do you know how long ago pain and loss was I dont remember much
4430673
you don't remember Dayspring Gleam's death?
4430950 NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!! if I could put emotions on here from my phone it'd be a crying fluttershy
The dark spirit is going to control one of the strongest unicorns in all of equestria
4431052
One with extensive knowledge of dark spells and now has company. (bright dawn)
4431093 why can't there ever be a time of peace at all always chaos and he's not even causing any of it
4431104 there was 40 years of peace before this.
4431111 but we never got to see it
4431837 i had to bite my tongue so hard when you made your comment… it hurt lol
...Ava has no words.
...Just kidding.
I'll keep it brief. I loved the mythical creatures and gods, plus the perfection of both Adventure and Romance.
Also, Revenants and liches.
...And I just realized who that Unicorn is. Oh shi-
4431916
I really liked this ending, one of the hardest things for me was trying to come up with enemies that they couldn't just wipe of the map with a flick of magic. i only left Rainbow truly op now. Twi still has her energy but she doesn't know how to use it.
plus I can now have them fall in love again
Ataxia is the one joker in the deck that I get to have fun with. it will be 'interesting' to see what happens to her. (when I figure out what that is first
)
4431924
Yes ma'am, thats going to be fun.
4431844 It appears I made a miscalculation. The last piece of her soul WAS her phylactery. Now Blight Pawn can die without Twi dying as well...
4431989
I like that lol
Although when night finds out that he was being corrupted all along that will be interesting. or when Rainbow has to face her son…
4432004 My heart threatens to break loose at the mere thought. I guess Twi won't really have an issue.
: Who's that?
: Our son.
: Oh. Okay.
: Wait... our?
4432029
it would be an interesting dime drop on Twi if she finds out from the Revenant and not Rainbow.
or would that be too wrong?
4432046 That would be genius.
4432072
It won't be anytime soon but I was thinking about starting the next story with Firestars wedding. (or would that be too smiler to this?)
however, if i did an one-off before then what would you like to see. (I was thinking about doing the Night/Ataxia vs Tierk story… but IDK
4432201 I think both of those would be good in the sequel, not as a one shot. Fire star's wedding definitely.
4432306 the wedding is three months later though… Unless they fail to catch him, or Ataxia lets him go for some reason...
What about the two rebenants you let loose on the last chapter? You have to finish that up! Right?
4432764 One was a Lich, not a Revenant.
4432818
4432764
to be continued… (maybe)
4432818
technically they are both very close to the same thing, while a lich would be more fitting for the remans of Dayspring gleam and a revenant would apply to Bright Dawn. It's largely irrelevant
they are both possessed by beings the likes of 'The Nightmare' the one that prossessed Princess Luna making her Nightmare Moon.
for story purposes I am simply referring to them as Revenants. as they are 'beings that have returned'
comma, not semicolon.
Period serves better.
Period, not comma.
Also, why're you so nervous? I'd think ponies would be overall tolerant of such interspecies romance. It's not like they'd project their hate of the emperor onto you.
Colon, not comma.
"and" after the first comma, and second comma needs to be a period. "It was small, and most..." "Aurora did. Night missed..."
Also, don't miss him. He was an arrogant plothole and couldn't see his own ass from the trees.
Period, not comma.
So to speak.
That's an...interesting way to punish failure.
led.
Present tense is lead, past tense is led. The only other time you use "lead" is when you're referring to the element.
Rarity, never change.
Poor Spike...
First of all, fucking lol.
Second of all, period, not colon.
Buck yes.
Role.
Period, not comma.
...Well, then.
Still makes him an arrogant prick (and I doubt that ALL of that shit was from this corruption), but it does put his actions in a whole new light.
He still needs to apologize for the rest of his life, though.
...Or not.
Lovely imagery, but rainbow doesn't need to be capitalized.
I enjoyed the premise despite the implied eventually Twidash romance. You did give each character a good life and good depth, and I also liked the world-building you did with the gods, Tartarus, etc.
The grammar/spelling errors.
Though I seriously was annoyed by them all.
There probably are a few things, but they aren't things I remember right now.
Those are all good things to cover.
Now that this story is done, I want you to do this first of all. Nothing else.
Go back with your editor, and re-read EVERY CHAPTER and fix as many mistakes as you possibly can.
It sounds like a lot, and I know it will be, but you need to do this not just for the sake of any new readers (not everyone can be as lenient as I am in regards to errors, after all) but for the sake of getting this story out there more AND for your own personal integrity as a writer. No matter what you choose to do here, I certainly don't want you to look back, see all these errors, and lament the fact that they were never fixed, and no writer wants that on his conscience.
Despite what I said about it taking a long time, I shouldn't take more than a week or so, cumulatively, to get through each book. I'd say you're looking at 2-3 weeks to get it fixed, and that's not a bad thing. Take this time to rest and let your mind relax now that it's not in "create" mode. By the time that you finish this, you may very well have a rough beginning to the 3rd part of this (or a one-shot for any of the events you thought you could write about).
Another reason I'd want you to do this is so that you can possibly get the story sent to, say, Seattle's Angels for their weekly story review. There is still the chance that it won't be featured, but if these errors are fixed your chances of getting in will be MASSIVELY increased. It may also help to have someone else who hasn't read the story yet start reading it and help you find any potential plot holes and such, though that may only apply for future stories.
No. You do not put out sequel teases and then decide "oop, no, maybe I won't after all." Sequel hooks demand sequels, and I will think a little less of you for not trying to follow up on it.
I understand if newcomers would be hesitant because of how many words there are, but I think that it comes part and parcel with adventure-type stories such as these. And if they can't stomach reading close to 300+ pages per "book", then adventures really not for them.
But, all in all, good story, fairly good work, and I would like to see more in the future. Thanks for the read.
Please. Cutting comments short is for wimps and people too afraid to voice their opinions. I have walls of text for comments, and I'm proud of it.
4427964 Whenever you get to character interactions, just ask yourself if there's anything else I can do to show how they feel. Could I add a sentence here to highlight how this action affects her? Can I include some extra bits of internal/external rationalization for his responses?
I get that you had a lot on your plate, but this point largely boils down to getting the amount of show vs. tell done right. It's not easy, for sure, but getting somebody to pre-read (not just edit, but actually read through for interactions) and make sure that not only does everything fit and the characters react, but that everything fits well and that most if not all the character's actions or reactions have something behind them that readers can see to help them understand why said character did that action (even if we don't agree with It at all
).
Don't leave us (or yourself) hanging by saying "Well, I'll try, but I can't promise anything." Promise that you will work on this. Promise that you will make it better. Promise these things for yourself and your personal growth as a writer, if not for better entertainment for the readers.
4428212 That sounds like my dad who things that just because I read stories or manga online they aren't "real" books.
Dude, they get printed as physical copies, I just don't have the damn money to buy them!
4428332 ...no, I'm pretty sure that's not why. It's entirely possible that people were just too caught up in what was going on to really on.
Honestly, Celestia was a victim of her own choices. it was her choice to lie to Twilight like that, regardless of why she did it (and why I understand why she did it). Twilight may have chosen on her own to become Twilight NIght, but Celestia is partially at fault for pushing her that far, even if it was through no real intent of her own. It's sad, but it's true, and that just makes her death hurt a little bit more.
4431122 We know that it happened. That's all we NEED to know.
4431924 Wait, Dayspring's body wasn't lost...unless you mean someone else.
4432046 That would be wrong, but also a very clever maneuver considering how much of a bombshell it'd be.
4432421 Yeah, Ataxia vs. Tirek is more one-shot material than anything.
You could up the irony points by having part 3 start with their wedding and have it NOT go wrong. Then have shit start up after their honeymoon.
4432764 revenants*
4433219 Waitwaitwait nononono....
Argh, cursed Word of God.
4433651 corrections made.
Let me just say, you rule.
Thats some good advice. I will try and keep it in mind. Although for every one story were they do that right, there are six were it is done wrong. (We get buried in details about irrelevant stuff)
As far as the third part goes, there will deff be one. Just not now. I will go back throughout the chapters and fix what I can first. (I won't catch everything as I am not sure about then to use a , or a ;) if you don't know its hard to do it right…
I never considered sending the story in for featuring… I don't know if its good enough tbh
I have by brother in law looking over TiM right now, but it's going SLOWLY as he has a bunch of IRL stuff going on. (He completed ch 1 of TiM in 3 weeks.)
For now, I am going to relax for a week and catch up on reading. let me ask though, when I do write the next one-shot before the third story would you be interested in being another pre-reader?
I guess, just for a one-shot, I can find some time to do it.
Despite my advice on character interactions, that's not really what I'm good at. I know what the basic idea is (or how else can I give you advice?) but my actual application is pretty meh. I can read for errors, though.
And thanks for the vote of confidence.
4433915
then we will both be in the same boat
part of me wonders if its worth trying. this is not what I do for a living and while i love the fact people enjoy the story. I never wanted real recognition for my work. it is a style of writing after all, while you can change how you hold a pen its often not worth the effort.
however, the LARGER part of me wants to improve and get better. (Obviously this is something I enjoy doing as i spent the better part of the past four months doing nothing but.)
I always seek to improve and if this is the next step I will give it a shot.
i actually dislike shimmering night, and gaia. Shimmering needs to slow the fuck down with her thought process, and stop jumping the fucking gun to no end, she was distraught, but she just threw away somebody she loved in practically three seconds, she's a shit wife because there wasn't even an inkling of her that thought, "my husband doesn't usually act like this, hmm, with all the other crazy shit that's happened maybe i should consider the fact that there is something wrong," gaia didn't say jack shit even though she noticed, i would really love to see her fall, the gods are the essence of hypocrisy. Don't get me wrong, i'm glad twilight's alive, and still exists.
All said great story, it is one of the best reads i've ever read, this and the first.
let me just say though, if you are looking for story ideas.
Bright Dawn, i suppose something like Black Dawn now, attacks equestria, that's a no brainer though
his redemption as well, maybe have him get his love back or find an entirely new one, or not, but at least have him regain his soul
introduce a stronger god, i get the old style romanian/greek/some other thing, god thing, it really helps develop plot, but a god that is entirely omnipotent, or beyond comprehension would be pretty fucking sweet,
maybe a couple of ponies ascend into godhood? wink wink nudge nudge
Do some crazy ass interdimensional shit, that's always a blast. maybe bright dawn from another dimension tells them where they went wrong and what the other plans to do
maybe not all the changelings were destroyed?
introduce entirely new races.
i dunno, just some ideas
anyway
i really enjoyed these stories, both of them. you are a very skilled writer and these are some of my favorites. but for fuck's sake. is it too much to ask for a happily ever after? makin me cry and shit, how dare you.
regardless of whether or not you continue this though, i look forward to more from you.
4435039
I use enough foreshadowing that you can figured out what's going to happen, however, i generally put a nice twist on the expected that makes its 'slightly' different. I am glad I was able to keep you on your seat.
4434828
I notice that Night's decision is a sticking point with a few people. It was a horrible situation where she overreacted based on very limited information, but haven't we all done something like that? I've made snap decisions like that before. given the situation I think it was well within the realm of possibility for her to snap out like that, and she does regret his absence afterwards.
Gaia wants to stay the hell out of mortal affairs, even going as far as to have them all leave so they would no longer 'indirectly interfere' with them. She sees it as exactly that 'which it is.'
To be fair to her, no one else truly noticed that Dawn was not acting like normal, either. Also, Her hurt is justified in that, whatever Dawn's true predicament was, trying to use his love for her (and vice-versa) to justify not bringing back her mother--a mare that she (not to mention the rest of the world and the rest of the non-deities in that room) has very good reasons to believe in her goodness and not agree with Dawn's arguments, to be more specific--is not the way to get someone to agree with you or otherwise has them support you.
Was saying what she did the wrong thing? Possibly. But you seem to be ignoring the fact that A.) Dawn's arguments and attempts to "protect" her are all based on VERY faulty reasoning in the first place no matter what the cause is, and B.) She's already emotionally distraught by seeing one parent literally dead and the other one emotionally dead. As Twidash said, Night's response was more snappy than thought out, but even at that point it's still not the "wrong" choice given what they knew and didn't know at the time.
Sweet as it may be, but I don't really see this as something that needs or should be done.
...and I'm just gonna flat-out say no to the interdimensional idea.
Actually, TwiDash only mentions that "they had their own opinions". There's nothing that explicitly states they knew that Dawn was corrupted in that way.