Chapter 1: Corruption
Twilight looked up at the cave roof, inspecting it for bats and spiders. She shuddered at the thought of those creepy crawlies. Yes this alicorn who had defeated nightmare moon and faced down the lord of chaos, was afraid of a few spiders. She thought about how she had gotten into this mess. If you could call it a mess. About 2 hours before she entered the cave she was sitting comfortably in her warm safe library reading a book on physics. Her baby dragon Spike had ambled into the room muttering something about rarity when he stiffened and bent over. A stream of bright green flame issued out of his mouth and a letter popped into existence. She picked up the letter off the floor and opened it. It read,
Dear Twilight,
Archeologist have discovered a cave in the same mountain that the dragon took a nap in. I inspected it and found that the cave radiates dark magic. I would like you to scout out the cave. Don’t bring your friends, I don’t want to endanger anypony else.
Sincerely, princess Celestia.
Twilight looked up and sighed, another quest from the princess. Sometimes she wished she could have just out day without a potentially life threatening situation. She got up from her couch and went to her room to start packing her things.
A loud thump and a sharp pain in her hoof brought Twilight back to reality. She had tripped on a rock. As she picked herself up off the ground she noticed a subdued purple light coming from up ahead. She rounded the corner and saw a black and silver chest sitting in the middle of a small room. A magenta crystal in the center of the chest was the source of the light. She walked into the room looking around with a wary eye. She lit her horn, which was the first mistake she made. When she opened the lid a tendril of dark magic reached out and grabbed her horn. It spiraled down the horn and sank into her head. She felt it trying to overcome her mind. It amplified the dark thoughts she was already thinking, like, why does Celestia always sent me to do her dirty work, and, why can’t she get her fat royal plot off her throne and do something herself for a change. Starting from her horn her lavender coat turned pitch black. The darker purple part of her mane and tail turned into the image of the night sky as seen from space. The stripes of color turned black and white. Her royal regalia appeared on her body. The gold turned dark red and the gems turned black. She grew about 5 inches taller, and her pupils became slits. She wasn’t the same mare for, she was no longer Twilight Sparkle. She was now Nebula Star. The evil princess of equestria. Nebula flared her wings, opened her mouth and let out a maniacal laugh. She turned away from the chest and flew out of the cave and away from the mountain.
She landed on the balcony of the library and walked inside. Spike was on the ground floor sweeping. He looked up and saw her. He spun his broom around his hand with expert movements and struck a Kung Fu pose. “Who are you?” he yelled at her. “Why are you wearing Twilight’s crown?”
Nebula laughed mirthlessly and looked at him “oh Spike, it’s me, the one you call Twilight.” She smirked at the bewildered dragon.
“But, what happened to you?”
“I saw the light Spike, I realized that whatever Celestia does it’s not what I would call ruling.” She walked down the stairs getting ever closer to Spike. “She sits on her throne all day and whenever a problem arises she tells someone else to do it, she’s nothing but a figure head of a crumbling government.”
“But Twilight, she’s your teacher.” “Why would you say all this?” asked Spike beginning to feel a seed of fear blossoming in his chest.
“Oh you poor stupid foal, you will see why.” said Nebula with no compassion in her eyes. Spike definitely scared now, was wounded by her words and tears began to form in the corners of his eyes. He decided to run and tell twilight’s friends about her strange behavior. As he turned he felt something latch on to his feet. He looked back and saw nebula’s magic binding his feet to the ground.
“Oh no you don’t, you’re going to see the truth whether you want to or not.” Nebula pointed her horn at Spikes head and a black tendril of magic much like the one in the cave coiled from her horn touched his temples. Just as with Twilight the magic changed him. He turned black. His spines turned the same color as Nebula’s crown.
The little dragon fell to the floor shaking. His mind was undergoing the same war as Twilight’s had in the cave.
“Spike, yu=kyk. Sorry brain fail. Now what was I saying, oh yeah. You know what she says is true.”
“But…”
“No you must give in, it is the truth.”
“No it’s not true!”
“Sure it is stupid.”
“NO!” he yelled out loud. He looked up and saw Nebula staring at him in confusion.
“What?” Spike realized what he must do. He put on what he thought was a sinister face. But the most sinister look he had ever produced was the look he had when Twilight caught him stealing cookies. NOT very sinister.
“Uh Spike? You look constipated.”
“What? Oh um… sorry I guess having the truth revealed acts kind of like a laxative.”
“It does? Hmmm that didn’t happen to me.”
“Maybe it’s a dragon thing.” He chuckled nervously. Nebula just shrugged and turned to her map of equestria. That’s when Spike made a break for it. He ran through town dodging in-between pony’s legs. When he reached sugar cube corner he was wheezing. He walked into the bakery and found Twilight's friends having lunch. He ran up to their table talking at Pinkie Pie speed. “Twilight, cough, evil, dark magic, cough, help, blargh.” He threw up on the bakery’s floor took a deep breath and passed out.
“Did ya’ll get anything outta that?” asked Applejack.
“Well duh! It’s simple, he said twilight was turned evil by dark magic in a mysterious chest and tried to turn spike evil but he beat the magic and ran, oh and by the way did I ever tell you about Mmmm Hmmmhmmm.”said Pinkie, That last part was muffled due to the fact that she had rainbow’s hoof shoved in her mouth.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. Did you say that Twi’s evil?” asked Dash
“And that she tried to turn spike evil?” asked Fluttershy from her place on the floor next to the poor baby dragon.
“Oh that color really does not match his personality, it’s just hideous!” said Rarity in her manner of caring about fashion first, danger later. It was hard for the 5 of them to process. Twilight was evil and the rest of Equestria could be in danger.
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I shas watch this with intrigue. Well done
yay!
this is like the first time someone has actually liked one of my stories!
where did you get the cover image?
deviant art. i searched up twilight sparkle and looked around.
4110081 You should probably credit the artist in the description with a link to the original image in that case
good job sis!
fail.brm.sk/approval/applause3.gif
Hey, remember me? Also, funnily enough, I have no problems with the stuff you said in the A/N because
1. Celestia probably isn't going to change her habit of sending the person who's closest to her, after Luna, into suicidal situation just because she's an Alicorn now. Unless you're implying Celestia is a racist Alicorn supremacist, in which case it wouldn't make sense.
2. Although it is a short chapter, which would almost certainly prevent this story from reaching greatness due to the best stories like this are longer, the pacing was handled well enough it's being short is not a big deal.
1. You forgot to make sure to capitalize stuff. This is a very important aspect, which you may be missing. Uncapitalized letters in a story is the written word equivalent of watching a cartoon with seven frames per second.
2. This was very heavy handed in how it brought up the first issue, how Celestia states the entire problem in the first few sentences of the letter. If you don't make the problem clear at first, then it adds not only a bit of suspense but also makes everything flow smoother. The evil corruption was handled better though.
3. Twilight went from packing her stuff to tripping over a rock by the evil magic cave.
Also, when you reply to a comment, click on the light gray >> symbol beside said comment to make it clear which comment you're replying to. This way the person you reply to know to give you a response back, and other readers know who you're referring to.
found it, thank you.
and now: stop writing this fic. there are countless fics on this site that are bad, but this one is at the bottom of that group. there are so many mistakes, I'm not even able to point out all of them. Examples: pacing, grammar, structure, logic, setting,...
Just don't!
Search the internet for tips on writing. Then get some editors. Then listen to the editors. Then get some more tips. Revise what you have written and listen again to the editors. Then post you story!
Everything under the qualitiy of Celestia's Tiny Student isn't worth the time to post it, and even less for us to read.
Btw: This isn't a personal attack! I don't know you, so I'm not even able to do so. But I read what you wrote. And that is more than unpleasant to the eyes, sorry.
you know what
4110231 i don't care.
4110243
It seems like you do: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/285593/stories
Btw: "write" is spelled W R I T E, not "wright"
that was then now shut up
4110465 You really need to learn to take criticism
It's part of being a wirter
+1 for the evil twilight fic. have been trying to wright one myself, but can't get around to do it ( in my off-limits fantasy area of my brain, I was going to call evil twi Midnight Shadow. Unless the name somehow got used in any way shape or form.)
4110231
Your opinion has been noted by those who care and ignored by those who don't. If you don't like the fic, then don't read any more of it. It's that simple. Now kindly shut up.
4111609 4110842
And that's when I don shut up when I said my piece^^ @Lobo Argost
And @Hammer Whirl: Cute. Telling a person to kill himself is probably INDEED the most important lesson we learn from the ponies we all love, isn't it?
Maybe read and think about what I wrote, before reacting like a 12 year old boy that can't take even the most general criticism about his work, because he thinks himself the king of the world.
And NO: I won't shut up if I find a story that is just badly written.
).
There is nothing wrong with the idea to write a story like this. There is nothing wrong with loving the own work. But if it just isn't good enough to get praise, then think about WHY it doesn't get praise. And not if the person criticising it is just an ass.
Oh, and yea, I am an ass (sometimes), but have I offended you personally? Did I call you or the author an idiot? Did I say the authors idea was "crap that crap craps"?
No, I didn't. I just criticised. Maby not really constructive, but if you and/or the author can't handle that, suit yourself. For me, that makes you just a rather cute little cry baby that hasn't grown up yet (btw: this was rather personal
4111725
Apparently you didn't hear me, so I'll say it again. If you don't like it, don't read any more of it.
4111908
There's constructive criticism and then there's flaming. I saw flaming.
4111609 Hey now, there's no call for that. Some of the people here might not have worded their commentary in the most pleasant manner possible, but they are trying to help and there's no reason to tell them to kill themselves because of it. I strongly recommend you try and take their advice to heart, and use it to better your skills as a writer. Shouting at them doesn't help anyone.
But at the very least, whether you take their advice or not, I'm going to have to ask you to be more civil with your comments from here on. Okay?
4114442
I am not unreasonable. I am blunt. This person is free to spout his/her crit/flame hybrid all they want. I just don't want them to come off as mean spirited and possibly cause the author to abandon this work, which I personally find promising.
sorry about hammer. he can be kind of an idiot at times.
4114670
Fair enough. So here's my writer's opinion.
The premise is solid, but the pacing could use a bit of work, as could grammar. As far as characterization of evil Twilight is concerned, some tips could be taken from SapphireLibra's Inner Demons fic. Twilight turned evil for similar reasons in that story. Well... she was also fated to turn evil. I won't say more for the sake of avoiding spoilers.
I think it is good so far
im going to fav and see how it turns out
Why did you think that was a good picture? Who made this picture? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
Did you just think when you decided to use this picture "Yeah, that looks good do that,"
I'll update soon. Ive been pretty busy
.
Please do not do a wall of text but nice chapter I await more
I have WAY more stories in progress than my keyboard can handle.
not sure whether to read story or click off the tab
If i reach 20 likes i will update!
4474618
Challenge accepted! lol I just liked, sadly, I can't read right now. However, Once I get the internet password for my Vita, Reading shall ensue.
I know i said i would update but i might not be able to. my dad blocked fimfiction on our computer, and i only got him to unblock it for 1/2 an hour today.
so it might be a bit longer before i can post the next chapter.
i just realized.
OF COURSE NOT. IT MATCHES NEBULA..brutalight....geh...
WHATEVER THE CRAP HER NAME IS!!!!
HER PERSONALITY.
and like all good FIMFiction. it's still incomplete...
To be completely honest guys... I have no idea were this story is going. I simply have no inspiration concerning this story. I don't want it to be like the thousands of other evil Twilight stories out there, So... I'm putting this one up for grabs. If anyone wants to continue this story, by all means go ahead. If you want to use this story or continue it, Send me a PM.
-Flighty Feather