My constructive criticism for improvement on this story would be to dilute down the purple prose a bit. The story tone is rather unnecessarily verbose without a good justifying reason for being that way. This can accidentally present to the reader a tone that comes across as stuffy and pretentious. ... Unless of course the protagonist is actually -meant- to be stuffy and pretentious, in which case these character aspects needs to be better fleshed out in some way pretty damn quick...
Human in Equestria? Seen it. Human died then came here? Seen it. Human transformed and given another body? Seen it. Human reincarnated as an undead dragon? oi57.tinypic.com/nq690x.jpg Nope. That's a new one.
Please change the way the character died. The way he died was just... wow. You don't even need to say how he died. You can even have it that the character does not remember the events before he woke up.
Just change it. I could not read past it.
If you want your character to die a martyr then you will have to go into further detail of the situation that was happening as well as give us more details on the protagonist. But doing so would require an unnecessary prologue and one can assume that this story is not about his life before he woke up as a dragon (or whatever).
If you wanted to show that the protagonist was willing to die for injustice. This was a poor way of showing it.
the territory of "Holy fuck, this is some legendary weirdness!" You know, the “Hey… My cat just sprouted wings out his ass and flew backwards while whistling God Save the Queen.” sort of epic-weird.
Enjoyable, the beginning was a bit melodramatic but I'm guessing that was your way of showing his courageous heart. So I guess it works. The way he pondered though his situation was an interesting read, it came off as just the right kind of curiosity and restrained terror.
4213849 No it isn't. The author wanted this grim and grisly ending for a reason. Simply because you don't like it is no reason to change it. Humanity has its bastards, its cowards, and fear to contend with.
Did you know a woman being raped is more likely to get help by screaming "Fire" instead of "Rape"?
Humans behave very much like animals when they see a danger: They try to avoid it or do nothing to avoid being noticed. Those who do act are usually the ones punished. It's never 'the hero saves the day'. That's why we have police. As much as some people try to do the right thing, it's usually against the worst of odds.
This isn't a mysanthropic rant, but an observation. Research it yourself and come to your own conclusions.
5074137 It's not grim it's grimderp, typical over the top drama that is just stupid.
If this happens in reality then they would be calling the security guards asap, not just look like retards.
If you really believe that it's is more probable to get help if you scream fire then you must live in some third world shit hole like Afghanistan or India.
...The big misunderstanding that starts it all is a sneeze?
Points for originality.
Briliance
That was one hell of an amazing read, good job sir, you deserve a salute :)
My constructive criticism for improvement on this story would be to dilute down the purple prose a bit. The story tone is rather unnecessarily verbose without a good justifying reason for being that way. This can accidentally present to the reader a tone that comes across as stuffy and pretentious.
...
Unless of course the protagonist is actually -meant- to be stuffy and pretentious, in which case these character aspects needs to be better fleshed out in some way pretty damn quick...
Human in Equestria? Seen it.
Human died then came here? Seen it.
Human transformed and given another body? Seen it.
Human reincarnated as an undead dragon?
oi57.tinypic.com/nq690x.jpg
Nope. That's a new one.
Was Twilight trying to dissect dragons? If so, then break all hell lose on her. Dragons deserve better in my opinion.
i.imgur.com/VarEYkM.gif
Please change the way the character died. The way he died was just... wow.
You don't even need to say how he died.
You can even have it that the character does not remember the events before he woke up.
Just change it.
I could not read past it.
If you want your character to die a martyr then you will have to go into further detail of the situation that was happening as well as give us more details on the protagonist.
But doing so would require an unnecessary prologue and one can assume that this story is not about his life before he woke up as a dragon (or whatever).
If you wanted to show that the protagonist was willing to die for injustice.
This was a poor way of showing it.
Brilliant start :3
Enjoyable, the beginning was a bit melodramatic but I'm guessing that was your way of showing his courageous heart. So I guess it works. The way he pondered though his situation was an interesting read, it came off as just the right kind of curiosity and restrained terror.
i like your writing style
4213849 No it isn't. The author wanted this grim and grisly ending for a reason. Simply because you don't like it is no reason to change it. Humanity has its bastards, its cowards, and fear to contend with.
Did you know a woman being raped is more likely to get help by screaming "Fire" instead of "Rape"?
Humans behave very much like animals when they see a danger: They try to avoid it or do nothing to avoid being noticed. Those who do act are usually the ones punished. It's never 'the hero saves the day'. That's why we have police. As much as some people try to do the right thing, it's usually against the worst of odds.
This isn't a mysanthropic rant, but an observation. Research it yourself and come to your own conclusions.
5074137 It was probably also to show, what kind of person was sent into a Lichdraco's body.
"A person that was willing to endanger himself against the odds, to help a woman that was being raped".
first chapter and you have gained the following
-like
-favorite
-follower
-my loyalty to this story, no matter how it goes
-Exaxxion
“Hey… My cat just sprouted wings out his ass and flew backwards while whistling God Save the Queen.” sort of epic-weird.
beutiful mental image
5074137
It's not grim it's grimderp, typical over the top drama that is just stupid.
If this happens in reality then they would be calling the security guards asap, not just look like retards.
If you really believe that it's is more probable to get help if you scream fire then you must live in some third world shit hole like Afghanistan or India.