"There. Just give him one of these every day with his food and he should be good to go in a week. Be sure to bring him back for a follow-up once he's done with them. If he gets worse or if something else comes up, don't be afraid to bring him back here."
I probably sounded very bored. I hate situation practice. Everything is just rehearsed. I'm not sure how it's meant to prove what I know. Especially since we never get anything as simple as 'My dog is sneezing and puking, what do I do?' in the clinic. Pointless.
"Thank you very much," said my colleague, smiling at me. I smiled back. That's another thing I hate. False pleasantries. Why bother? I don't see many of these people on a regular basis, so what does it matter if I'm friendly or not? As much as I love this job and college course, I must admit that it has its fair share of negatives.
"Good job, Niamh," said the head vet.
"Thanks," I replied, forcing a smile.
"You're free now to do whatever you like for the rest of the day. Tomorrow we'll work on your diagnosis skills. Niamh, I'd like for you to be able to recognise at least three symptoms for every disease on this list," said the head vet, handing me a sheet of paper.
I scanned the list. Basic enough. Common cold, enfluenza, tumours, ulcers, liver issues, kidney issues. Nothing I couldn't handle.
"I'll have them memorised by tomorrow," I said, with enthusiasm that I really didn't feel.
I packed up my kit bag and headed out. In the crowded street, people wandered around despite the rain. Some were idly chatting, some were carrying bags, mothers were containing children. There was a group of teenagers trying to prove how cool they were by spray-painting a wall. It was quite possibly the saddest excuse for graffiti I have ever seen in my life. No artistic designs or anything. No creativity. Just a couple of swear words printed on the wall in the type of font you'd use when filling out a bank form.
"Stupid kids," I muttered under my breath as I walked past. I think one of the teenagers might have heard me, but if he did, he didn't do anything about it. We were near a police station, after all. Even these school dropouts weren't stupid enough to try anything here.
Unfortunately, I slipped in a puddle and landed flat on my back. In the puddle. Of course. Why would I land anywhere else? Some of the horrible puddle water splashed into my mouth. I spat it out while the group had a good laugh at my expense. I picked myself up and glared at them. They just laughed harder. Of course they did. Everyone needs a good laughing stock every now and then. Who better to use than me? I did my best to wring out my sleeve before giving up and continuing in my way.
When I reached my apartment, I sat down heavily on the couch. I was cold and wet. I stood up again and got changed. The sun was going down, dyeing the sky a shining array of purples and pinks. I reached for a book, opened it where I had folded the page, and began to read. I would look at my study list later.
I think I fell asleep at some point, because the next thing I knew, the book was on my face and the moon was out.
In typical nap fashion, my unscheduled sleep made me even more tired than I was before. I brushed a strand of brown hair out of my face as I stood up. I paused to look at the full moon. It was brilliant tonight, shining bright, with all lovely grey patterns on it clearly visible.
As I stared at the moon, I was wracked by a sudden bout of powerful vertigo. I nearly fell over, and had to grab the arm of the couch to steady myself. I felt nauseous, and I could have sworn I heard someone whisper my name.
As quickly as it had come, the vertigo vanished. I looked around to see if I could determine the location of the one who had called my name. But it made no sense. I was the only one here, right?
"Wow, Niamh," I said out loud to myself, "you're being a bit of a silly girl, aren't you? There's no one around."
Somehow comforted by my own voice, I quickly readied myself for bed.
That night, I dreamt that I was in an odd place. There was no ground to speak of, only a blue mist and a lot of little star-like points of light.
I couldn't see any signs of life around. When I looked down, I found I couldn't see myself either.
Suddenly, I heard something. I turned to where I thought it had come from, but there was no one there.
.....r.a
There it was again. "Who are you?" I called out. Or at least, I tried to call out. But, for some reason, no sound came from my mouth.
....o..n.
...d...n...
It was faint, and I couldn't understand it, but it was definitely there! What was it? It sounded like a load of voices whispering at the same time.
..f..l...i...
.y..u.
...d..s..i..
The lights burned out. The blue mist dissipated. The entire starry landscape turned pitch black.
And then I was falling. I couldn't see any indication of it, but somehow I knew I was falling. At least I'll get to wake up now, I thought. Weirdest dream ever.
Whatever I was sleeping on was not the comfortable bed I remembered sleeping on. Nor was it the soft carpet of my bedroom floor. It was more akin to stone. I didn't quite want to wake up yet, despite the discomfort, so I thought about what I could possibly be lying on.
I'd already established that it wasn't my bed or bedroom floor. So what could it be? Had I sleepwalked into the sitting room and not bothered going back to the bedroom? The floor in there was hardwood. But this wasn't wood. It was hard, cold and jagged. I cracked open an eyelid.
"What the—" I said upon seeing my surroundings. I wasn't anywhere I recognised. Large, ornate tapestries depicting odd, horse-like creatures with wings and horns decorated the walls. Pillars, some crumbling and knocked over, were strategically placed all along the room I was in. Large windows, many broken or without glass at all, gave me a view of trees and the night sky. A huge podium with five arms, each with a circular platform at the end, was the centerpiece of the room. To one side of my face, some kind of starry purple cloud was floating around.
I stood up. Or at least, I tried to. I gracelessly fell flat on my back. To my fascinated horror, two weights unfurled from either side of my back as I fell. When they hit the ground, I felt it. And it felt weird. Whatever these were, they were not something I was used to having. I rolled over onto my stomach and stayed there for a moment. The twin weights didn't move, but I could feel them. They were a part of me. I could feel whatever they were rubbing off the ground.
I reached back to see if I could figure out what the weights were, and stopped. My arm did not feel right. Somehow, it seemed bendier and longer. I suddenly became aware of the sensation of metal rubbing on my feet, hands, head, and chest.
Something was seriously wrong. I tried to stand up again, but as soon as I stood up fully, I felt in danger of falling again. I lowered myself onto all fours.
I felt my ears swivel as an odd clopping kind of a sound echoed through the room. It probably came from my hooves hitting the ground.
Wait, what?
I looked down. My heart almost stopped.
In place of my hands, was a pair of ebony black, hoof-like things, covered by a pair of pale blue metal boots. I started to hyperventilate. I jerked my head up, and felt something attached to my head bang off of a piece of rubble. It was an odd feeling.
My vision blurred at the edges as I stood up, on all fours. I tripped over my, ugh, hooves, as I attempted to reach a puddle that could maybe act as a mirror. The starry purple cloud followed me, billowing in the wind I created by moving. I felt the two weights drag on the ground. It felt similar to scraping your knee on a road. That is to say, painful.
I stumbled over to the puddle and looked at it. My, normal, semi-attractive face was gone. In its place was an equine muzzle with two pointed ears, covered in smooth black fur. A single, spiral horn jutted from my reflection's forehead, through a hole in a pale blue metal helmet. My normally greyish-blue eyes had been replaced by the turquoise eyes of a cat. The starry purple cloud I had been seeing was, in fact, attached to my reflection's neck, coming through the helmet to flow around its new face.
Changing my angle, I looked at my reflection's back, and saw that the twin weights were a pair of broad wings, covered in glossy black feathers. A metal plate emblazoned with a turquoise crescent moon decorated its chest. The rest of my reflection's horse-like body was covered in the same black fur, with a matching purple cloud for a tail. On my reflection's flank was a purple splotch of colour, adorned with the same turquoise crescent moon shape.
I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that the horrible reflection would be gone when I opened them. It wasn't. I lifted an arm. The horse in the puddle followed me. I cocked my head. The reflection mimicked me perfectly. I smiled. My reflection copied me, revealing a set of gleaming white fangs.
I twisted my neck, which was far more flexible than it should have been. Broad wings. Starry cloud tail. Black fur. Crescent moon tattoo thing. Horse. It was all there.
I was this horse now. This horse was now me. I did the only reasonable thing I could think of.
I threw back my head and screamed.
Really damn good so far.
Hope to see more soon.
Not a bad start, I'll keep an eye on this.
Seems promising, we will be watching.
*skulks back under the bed*
Fucking brilliant good sir! I shall keep watch.
i like a story were trust is earn both ways and not I trust you off the bat like a brony does even when there not even friends.
So far, it's following a fairly typical HiE formula. Very short introduction to the main character who is then quickly thrust into Equestria.
You see, this is supposed to be a character-driven story, and yet we barely get a glimpse of who this person is and what she's about before she's sucked out of the world and plopped into an over-rated, underdeveloped (from the show's standpoint) 'dark-is-cool' character. There's about half-a-page devoted to the main character on Earth. That's less than we got with Luke Skywalker in the first "Star Wars" movie. More of the story so far tells about her arrival and discovery that she has become a mystical equine.
This is the sort of thing you can really only get away with when the story is a satire or straight-out farce, where nothing serious occurs and nothing dramatic matters.
This looks pretty good! Can't wait for the next chapter.
4105049 exactly this.
You have very good arguments Alondro. .... Most of the time.
At least their story is published though, unlike mine lol... Still working on that...
This is different nice different
I like it
4105088 I do try to have a basis for everything!
I have so many story ideas... but not enough time to write. I am generally a slow writer who must think and plan out every major development of both event and character in advance.
Perhaps I should write a slice of life with a simple plot just to get my mind in motion.
look at the manes like nightmare moon now lets gues what it is made of space cotten candy?
This chapter is good. Another!
I like it!
Well, I have to say that as much as this premise has been thoroughly beaten to death in a plethora of ways, this actually seems to be a fresh take on an otherwise generic ponified HiE story. Perhaps it's because we rarely see the human turn into an actual pony from the show while that pony still exists in Equestria, and never do we see the human turn into Nightmare Moon of all ponies (strange, considering how beloved she is).
All in all, I've got my eye on this. Of course, from what the A/N says it'll be a while before more is given, but all the same I'm looking forward to it when the next chapter does come.
4105719 Actually, the first three chapters are already mostly written, so the delays won't be as bad, at least at the start. Chapter 1 just needs to be edited, and I may post it tomorrow or the day after.
Don't quote me on that, though.
4105832 Too late.
This intrigues me...
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kpowqoR2Wn1qzma4ho1_400.jpg
you has caught my eye
I WANT MORE
This has definitely piqued my interest! I wonder what'll happen next!
Darn it! I knew I was forgetting something important.
*Tries to work on The Moon Shall Rise From Hell's Ashes*
*Gets less than 200 words written in that one sitting.*
Ah, flip it. I'll finish the next chapter later.
i read alot of fics like this there were good but for some odd reason the fic had died and was forgotten i hope this one survives....
4105049
I thought I read that in order for a story to get posted, it had to have pony content in the first chapter? Maybe I'm confusing the much MUCH higher standards of EqD with FimFic...
Tho I've seen ways around it with the story jumping part way into the middle, then falling back to the start of the timeline as one giant flashback of sorts.
Actually, now that I think on it. FimFic will let you post anything you want-- it'll just get an avalanche of downvotes and ignored. Ok, never mind then.
I hope to read more, this, intrigues me.
4106847
I thought it just had to have over 1000 words total across all chapters initially submitted, and pony content somewhere among them. Been a while since I read the submission guidelines.
4106847 Nope. There have been several fics I've read which didn't have ponies in the first chapter.
I have also seen a few that did... and then kinda forgot about them for several hundred thousand words after that.
So far so good! Nightmare Moon doesn't have feathers, though, so Niamh can't look entirely like her.
4106847 What are you talking about? This has pony stuff in the first chapter.
4107498 Actually, Nightmare does have feathers. They're just hard to see because of her coloring/how she is drawn.
4107551 You're right, I see them now. Weird, feathers and membrane in one.
So far go good but She gonna need rid of the armor on the way or end up bad for her (specially the helmet),but of course without hands taking away the armor could be a problem.
th07.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/241/e/8/naked_nightmare_moon_by_90sigma-d5ctjwd.png
There , she look better isn't
I like your story and every other story where a human terns into Nightmare Moon but only two that I have seen are the best and your story is one of them.
I feel this should have more description than it does. Having only an "I said" feels weak for an intro. You could probably just remove it since the next paragraph cues that the person feeling bored said something.
This whole puddle slipping part seems contrived and not really important to the story as a whole. Is Niamh supposed to be clumsy?
There is a lot of "telly" language here. It feels more like instructions on doing a lab report than an actual story. Try adding more detail, "show" the reader what Niamh is doing instead of just listing things off.
Word repetition.
Maybe rubbing over the ground? Rubbing stuff off the ground just sounds odd.
I suggest removing that.
First comma shouldn't be there, second comma I think would feel better as a semi-colon.
I like your concept but I think some of the writing could do with revision. I noticed a lot of "I did this", "I did that", "I looked here". It honestly gets a little repetitive, we know we are in the character's head and this is a first person story. Finding other ways to describe actions while reducing the total usual of the word "I" will help a small amount. The story also seems to tell the reader what is happening and not showing.
If you want some examples of what I consider good use of the first person perspective ask, I am sure I have some buried away in my favorites somewhere.
I would like to read more of this
Interesting, more pleases
4105049
Not every fic or story gets into their character's backstory right from the get-go, dude. The Bourne movies didn't (due to his amnesia), and that series had several sequels. Smallville didn't. You learned some stuff about Clark in the first episode, but learned more about him as the series went on. Same thing for LOST. Especially for LOST. (Yes, LOST had a crap ending, but up until the last season it was a great show.
With the Indiana Jones movies there's a TON of stuff you don't find out about him besides his father was an archeologist and so was he and he is obsessed with making sure relics 'should be in a museum'. He wasn't really a 'Hero-Adventurer' until he got older. If you want his story, you have to read the books, and/or watch the incomplete 'Young Adventures of Indiana Jones' series.
Yes you barely get anything for this story's main character so far. But that doesn't mean that you won't later.
4108715
4105049
I agree with WorldWalker on that. People don't want the characters full life story right from the beginning, they get bored learning about her failed third grade math test and already went off to Flutterdash Fic #442. Keeping It minimal in the first chapter or so is good because you can reveal information about her in the coming chapters. That way people don't get bored and you learn as the plot moves along.
That's my two cents, though.
Frequently stronger for these stories to start off with a simple character introduction, then work in background detail as appropriate. You get right to the action and current events being contrasted or interwoven with background can be used to reinforce both for a greater effect.
Works well, if done properly. Definitely going to track this story.
Don't become a stranger, be an update ranger‼‼
Haiku fu:
Fantastic story
Reaching chapter number one
Will your Muse be kind
I keep forgetting that my Uni is the only one being awkward and calling the course Veterinary Medicine, not Veterinary Science.
This seems like an interesting concept, and the only error I spotted was was "enfluenza", so I'm looking forward to more :)
The only thing I took issue with was:
Because they make the client interaction much easier, calm stand-offish clients, improves the practice's reputation and often prevent misunderstandings; ~90% of complaints made to the RCVS (admittedly a British association) about graduate clinicians are due to poor communication skills during their consultations.
Great story! I've never read one where a human gets turned into some sort of villain such as Nightmare Moon.
4107616
static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/TVTJawdrop.png
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE JAW HAS BEEN DROPPED!!!
4105049
I'm going to mildly disagree with you here. We need enough to get a general idea of who the character is, but too much makes it feel like the author is just fixated on their OC. Here, we see that the protagonist is studying to be a vet and doesn't have great people skills (or doesn't like things she thinks are unnecessary, depending on how you read the bit where she's pretending to speak to a customer). Then, pony. The upside is that the switch to pony-related things happening occurs soon enough that I haven't wandered off to read something else, but there's still plenty of time to expand on the character of the protagonist.
Think of it this way--how many traits do the Mane Six have that wedon't see within two minutes of their first appearance?
Awesome!! pls make more!!
I look forward to more, good job
4109917 Your talking about the difference between characters in their own world versus one being thrown into another world.
In the latter case, there is much greater need to know the character more deeply, as they are suddenly thrust into a place they do not belong. It becomes difficult to then introduce them along the way, especially in a circumstance like this where not only has she been tossed into another dimension, she's also been stuck in the body of a villain.
I would point out that the entire first episode of MLP:FiM was introductory. That adds up to over 100 pages of writing.
If this was a short story, then summarization of all detail is a necessity. But this is very clearly going to be a novella-length story at the very least. Skimping on the intro info is unwarranted.
Let me ask you this, would you be satisfied with this prologue if the main character, rather than ending up in the body of a fan-favorite, instead ended up in the body of Daisy? Remember, with what we have right now, nothing written save a few details in the last few paragraphs would undergo any changes with that body swap.
The stage is set, the act was started, and now I only want to see how the plot will twist and turn from this wonderful beginning.
*nightmare moon gets blasted with the elements* *nothing happens*
NM:MURDERER! YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!
Twilight: SHE SURVIVED THE ELEMENTS!! IMPOSIBRU!! *sepukku* (yes it is a running Gag for me to have twitlelight spickle commit seppuku*
I want more More MORE
4110167
Honestly if she wound up as Daisy I never would have read the first chapter, I'm just here for the shitstorm when Nightmare Moon stumbles into town asking for a phone and a doctor.
I'll agree that more information would have been good, since we don't know very much about our main character aside from her career choice and whatever we may infer from that. I'm just saying that spending too much time describing the character going about her day gets really boring if we don't start to see signs of the plot starting. I usually wouldn't even advise most authors to start a story with their OC for risk of losing the audience, but in cases like this it's almost unavoidable unless you start the story at a later point and do a lengthy "how we got here" flashback.
More importantly, character traits are irrelevant if they're told but not shown. For example all the stuff about her being a vet goes out the window if she ignores suffering animals when she has no good reason for it. The author could pile all kinds of detail about her life and personality into the prologue but none it matters anyway unless Niamh actually shows those traits, so anything that can be shown and not told probably should be.