Greetings fellow reader,
this is my first fanfiction for My little Pony and it is my first fiction since, well, some years.
First Chapter - Dinky is on a school class trip, without her mother. Terribly missing her, Dinky wonders what she could do to know what her mum might be doing. The idea of a shared vision comes to Dinky's mind, to see like Derpy sees.
Second Chapter – Dinky sees more than she had expected. And ends up in a tense situation with a stallion she haven't seen before. Could he be suiting for her mum, or a good father?
(Rated T for Teen)
Third Chapter - Be suprised.
Also I want to give many thanks to my prereaders: Trival, scotty7 and Zwiesel.
PS: Looking for artists who would contribute a picture to this story.
Enjoy!
Chapters (3)
Nice so far.
Interesting.
Hope to see more progress.
one word that deserves to be in caps, EPIC plot epice story epic everything! have a moustache!
tracked
For those who can't wait, the second Part is already here: http://theorak.deviantart.com/#/d4xcduj
FimFiction release is in mods hands, since 2 days now
I so happy this is continuing. i can't wait for the next chapter. Really good.
Thoughts on Chapter 1
> Technical issues abound. This could use another thorough proofread.
> Scene transitions are awkward and the scenes themselves seem to be randomly assembled. They're probably not, but there's a complete lack of flow between them that gives that impression.
> The characters all come across as rather one-dimensional. Only Derpy displays any actual personality.
> All-in-all, this chapter reads like a procession of events leading up to a story instead of the story itself. This seems largely due to a certain carelessness that pervades every scene. Why is one of the settings the Summer Sun Celebration? Why include Applejack & Pinkie Pie if there's only one line of dialogue between the two of them? What is the Doctor up to, and why should we care? The point here is obviously whatever that potion is going to do to Dinky, and I can't help but feel that the story could stand to axe a lot of the content that precedes this event. Why not start it with the raid on Zecora's cart, for instance? Also, it may not be a good idea to include scenes of Derpy and the Doctor before Dinky downs the potion. Since Dinky is the main character and her primary motivation is to find out what her mom's up to, it would be far more effective to let us share in Dinky's sense of wonder . . . especially since nothing terribly interesting is happening on the other side of the fence at the moment.
I'll give the next chapter a look before I decide on my vote, but Chapter 1 would get a -1 for ineffective storytelling.
Thoughts on Chapter 2
There went my indecisiveness. -1
> The Doctor's initial reaction to Dinky is severely over-the-top — no one with even a partial degree of sanity would react this way. Also, if your Doctor Whooves is supposed to be THE Doctor, then this is terribly OOC.
> The reintroduction to the cardboard box is unnecessary. If you wanted to go into this much detail, you should have done so when we were first introduced to it back in Chapter 1. The description could also do without the romanticized elements ("trustworthy construction", "paperboard fortress", etc.); it doesn't fit with the tone of the story overall.
>The part where Sweetie Belle "figures out" what happened is so contracted that it feels like you pinched the middle out of the scene. Was this really such a long process that you had to switch to direct "telling" like that?
>Dinky approached him with small steps >
>The scene with the magic reaction is badly put-together; I lost all sense of what was going on by the time that . . . whatever it was happened. Cheerilee's reaction is so OOC that it hurts.
I had some constructive criticism for Chapter 1, but Chapter 2 reveals the story (thus far) as a creepy, poorly-realized rendition of Freaky Friday. I realize that quite a few people like this story, but I can't for the life of me understand why. As long as my opinion (and it is just an opinion) remains the minority, I'll just chalk it up to this not being my cup of tea. Even so, you should at least give the whole thing another proofread — the errors are everywhere.
633265 Thanks for the honest and contructive critique, really appreciate that.
I now can see clearly what I've got to work on and when time is able to spare, I'll definitly do so!
Currently Chapter 3 is on its way and I think there is some improvement in it, as I learned with progress. So hopfully you would like to reed that too even if I couldn't catch your taste. I want to to add that I'm still looking for editors, pre-readers.
But I also want to point out (as should be visible on my Profile now) that I'm no professional writer. Therefore just letting my mind roam freely and don't bother to reach any standarts. Did I mention that I'm no native english speaker?
Not a native English speaker? Really? I keep hearing that from writers that I never would have expected. Pretty darn good job then. Here's a bit of help:
Free Online Grammar Check
This will catch most mistakes and give suggestions for fixing. It isn't to be taken as an absolute, but it will highlight things that you may want to think about altering. I find it useful in any case. Good luck with your future chapters!
Alchemy is science.
763734
I just knew there was something worringly stupid about that expression. I think I got a good compromise now.
Alchemy is a combination of natural law, science, and magic. Alchemy now a days is largely used to create medicine, although without the idea of magic.
764035
Seems legit, but as alchemy has evolved from the idea of braking natural laws (eg. turning stone to gold), thus beating modern chemestry, I'm happy now.
767561 That form of Alchemy is derived from the idea of breaking down the natural elements and transmuting them into a different form but it still had to follow natural law. Which is why it never worked for turning lead to gold.