“Twilight, are you sure about this?” Trixie nervously inquired. She was cantering around back and forth. Rainbow Dash was coming in two days.
“Yes, and think it’s a great idea. Besides, I’m sure that when Rainbow Dash comes back finding that we’re a family, then, it’ll help her forgive you; you’ll need all the help you can get, Rainbow Dash is really stubborn.
“Yeah…” The two proceeded to office. After a couple hours of paperwork, Twilight was a mother.
“So, I guess you’re my mom now…”Trixie nervously laughed.
Twilight put on a straight poker face. She suddenly stared at Trixie. “ Eeyup!” She said with her best Big Mac impression.
Trixie giggle uncontrollably. Then she blushed.
“I-heh heh. I haven’t laughed like that in a while.” She smiled apologetically.
“Don’t be sorry, you silly filly! Laughter is a wonderful thing! Twilight giggled. “I never thought that I would say this, but let’s go ask Pinkie Pie too-“
“I’m already on it! I’m going the make the Bestest, westest ‘Twilight is Trixie’s mom’ party EVER!!!” Pinkie Pie jumped out of a nearby bush!
“AAH!” Trixie screamed. She quickly re-collected herself, and then sputtered. “H-how? Wuh, when, wuah, How?”
“Don’t worry, Aunt Pinkie has this all backed up!” Pinkie Pie jumped back in the bush. Trixie went over to the bush and practically tore it apart.
“H-h-h-ow?” Trixie shuddered.
“Motherly lesson number one. Never, ever, to try and understand Pinkie Pie. Most of the stuff she does makes no sense, but she’s a great pony…*giggle* I’m going to make you call her Aunty Pinky!” Twilight said. She started to walk away, heading towards to the Sugarcube Corner. “We are going to that party now!” She said with determination.
“L-lets just go home, please. Just for a little while? ” Trixie was preparing her for one of her greatest tricks. One that required no magic at all.
PS. Cliched 4th wall break is cliched. I REGRET NOTHING
“But, we need to go the-“ Twilight turned around. “Alright, we’ll go home, for just a bit and then we’ll head to the party.”
You may be wondering what Trixie might have done to change Twilight’s mind. Was it a death glare? No. Was Trixie’s horn glowing dangerously? Nope!
She was pulling off, the most adorable puppy face she could manage. The cuteness; calling it adorable would do it no justice. Holy Celestia. It. Was. CUTE!
**later at the house**
“Mo-Twi-…..Do I have to call you mom or Twilight?” Trixie asked.
“Hmmm, call me Mom! I think that’s cute.” Twilight said.
“Ok, Mom.” Trixie picked up a brush with her magic, and then brushed her mane. “Spike, how do I look?”
“You look great Trixie!” Spike said enthusiastically.
“Thanks Spike!” She turned and called out to Twilight. “Mom, we should get going!”
There was something weird about calling Twilight ‘Mom’ For starters, Twilight was the reason that Trixie had become ridiculed in the first place. But, as she eventually came back to Ponyville, she was the only one to show her kindness; the only one to reach out her hoof and be her friend. And even later, her mother. She was almost glad that her age-
manipulation spell had gone wrong.
*later at the party*
Trixie practically pranced all the way to the Sugarcube corner. Twilight smiled the whole way there. There wasn’t a worry in the air. That is, until they actually got to the Sugarcube Corner.
“Umm, Twi, We need tah talk” Applejack said. The arrival of the party was surprisingly cold. Pinkie Pie gave her signature warm greetings, and Fluttershy gave a happy smile; she was glad to hear about the news (for reasons to be explained later). But Rarity and Applejack did not react so. They glared at Trixie, who slinked back behind Twilight. Rainbow Dash flew out muttering something about missing practice.
“Uhh, sure Applejack. Hey, Trixie, you should go and have fun! Pinkie’s playing…what are you playing?” Twilight Inquired.
“Pin the hat on the human!” Pinkie Pie shouted.
“What’s a human?” Trixie asked.
“Well, they’re they guys that have hands, arms and only two legs. They write about us and watch shows about us!”
Trixie looked at Twilight, and then did the coo-coo sign behind Pinkie’s back. Twilight shrugged.
“Umm…ooookkkk. So Fluttershy, what’s up?”
*Behind the counter*
“What in tarnation!?” Applejack whisper/screams.
“Just what exactly were you thinking, dear?” Rarity does like-wise.
“What are you guys talking about?”
“UMM! Maybeh that yah ADOPTED the very same mare that wrecked Ponyville a while back?”
“But you guys have to understand, she’s changed. She’s not the mare you think she is.” Twilight stated firmly.
Applejack was silent at that. She remembered that tear fall from Trixie’s face when she lashed at her. She felt a little guilty about that. Did she really change?
“Alright-y then, I’ll give her a chance. But, if she goes back to being all braggy, I’m running her out of town.” Applejack said gruffly.
“Well, I for one want proof on how you know she changed!” Rarity said stubbornly.
“Rarity,” Twilight said sharply, “You saw her run away. You scared her, and made her cry.”
“That doesn’t mean anything! She could have been acting!” Rarity protested.
“Honestly, I’m a bit upset at you for doing that, but I’m willing to forgive. So should you. Do you think the old Trixie would do any of those things: hide, act bashfully or cry? Would she have called me mom?”
Rarity was also silenced. The realization hurt a little.
“Alright, I’ll trust your judgment for now. But I think that you’re making a mistake, darling.” Rarity said with an expression to one eating a lemon. But Twilight was glad. They were willing to give Trixie another chance, and that was all that mattered.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?”
‘Oh…feather-covered horse-apples’ Twilight thought.
Trixie was backed into a corner, with frightened tears streaming down her face. Just one last obstacle…and the most difficult at that. A prideful, stubborn Rainbow Dash.
“Rainbow Dash! Listen!” Twilight shouted.
“What? She’s the one who brought an Ursa Minor and wrecked Ponyville, and humiliated us because she thought she was the best in the WHOLE FREAKING UNIVERSE!” Rainbow Dash screamed. “You guys thought I was ok when she ran off! I wanted to chase her down and then throw her in Poison Joke!” She stopped suddenly. “I, hate, losing with a passion.” She glared angrily at Trixie.
Rainbow Dash’s pride had been stomped on that day. And it really ached to see that same mare back. That mare was scared senseless. Trixie ran out, with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy right behind her, to calm her down. Twilight had to get Dashie to calm down.
“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said calmly. “calm down. I won’t have you treating my daughter like that.
“Whaaaa- Alright. I’m going to wake up now.” She walked over to the iced punch and dumped it on herself. “AHH! That’s REALLY cold! And…I still haven’t woken up yet…so does that mean-“
*facehoof*
“Yes Rainbow Dash. She really is my daughter. I just very recently adopted her. She has led a very rough life. She’s changed. Rainbow…give her a chance. Please.”
“Grr, maybe later Twi, but, right now, I can’t bring myself to do that.” She then flew off.
“Maybe later hmm? Well, maybe we can resolve this later…” She turned and went to try and enjoy the party, celebrating her new daughter.
Spelled "redemption" wrong in the title, so that's enough for me.
Ch. 3, first impression:
This is the best start any of the chapters have had so far, relatively clear of mistakes and getting into the events properly...
Ch. 3, final impression:
STOP WITH THE AUTHOR'S NOTES.
And it seems like Twilight's friends have the exact same reaction in every scene.
"I don't like her."
"She's not that bad."
"Okay, I'll give her a chance, but I still don't trust her."
It's especially weird for AJ and RD, They're supposed to be so stubborn, but Twilight sure does seem to be able to get them to back off easily.
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T-T thank you for your advice...no, pinkie and fluttershy have different reactions...but those three...your right, I do feel like I over did it. And my grammar is something I really should change...thank you so much for reading it, and I feel completely stupid for spelling redemption wrong...I'm so stupid....
Thank you so much for your help.
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T-T thank you for your advice...no, pinkie and fluttershy have different reactions...but those three...your right, I do feel like I over did it. And my grammar is something I really should change...thank you so much for reading it, and I feel completely stupid for spelling redemption wrong...I'm so stupid....
Thank you so much for your help.
Also, the age thing; I'm thinking on a different way to bring that up. But I don't know what I'm going to do about that yet, I kinda want to keep her young...I FEEL SO INEXPERIENCED. *depression*
And I will never do another author note again.
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GAAAH IM SORRY
T_T
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The best young flier competition is important. You know Rainbow Dash's sonic Rainboom Super-Boosted twi's spell at her test to get into Canterlot? Turned her parents to plants and super-sized Spike? The Sonic Rainboom occurred in that show again, so at the time, she was practicing, and it got super-boosted preternaturally. And I thought the even would be pretty widely known; like how everyone knows what happened in a football game, sports would be known, that's how I would put it. Also, it would make a decen bookmark on memory.
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Dude, she's like 13... That's....oh Arceus no...
I'm liking the premise of the story but you really REALLY need to slow it down and use some more description (and try to keep the author comments to a minimum while in the middle of the story.) I would also suggest (if you don't already have one) to get a pre-reader for your story to help with some of the grammar issues. But with those its a interesting story idea and it's been good so far. I can't wait to see where else this goes.
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Thanks so much!
I'm going to have to swap some stories with Mr. Papercut, he knows what he's on about. Well, I'm doggin' your story again.
Anyway, first things first; flow. This chapter is better, but the author's notes derail it something awful. And there are some awkward descriptors in there, I had to read Applejack's and Rarity's lines and reactions a few times to understand what was was going on. In its present state, the story feels like a manuscript. It's relatively loose and can be changed pretty easily. I think a lot of this can be fixed when you go through it again with more time on your hands. Slowing down will help immensely.
lol Pinkie breaking the fourth wall. Personally, I don't mind when she does this, it just needs to be done with tact. As long as it's completely over the top you'll be successful but here, it's not working for flow. The Pinkie shenanigans that pertain to the story at a later point are always more enjoyable. This is because Pinkie isn't like Discord; there is a method to her madness, where Discord is just bored and want's to rustle up trouble.
A pre-reader will be very advantageous for you. That way you can catch a lot of those pesky typos and grammatical slip ups from the get-go. Keep up the good work!
What was the point of delaying the trip to Pinkie-Pie's house? Was it that important to Trixie to brush her mane right then? Did something else happen while they were home? Also, when you put scene breaks in, you need to put a full line of space on both sides of them. They look odd otherwise. So far, I haven't come across anything to make me stop reading. I'm hoping it gets better in later chapters though.
Rainbow, if you're not careful I'm gonna come to equestria myself, learn age regression spells and turn you into a filly, fill out the paper work and make you twilight's daughter, thus making you trixie's little sister!
As for you, applejack and rarity, for bearers of the elements, you sure ain't acting like it to a scared filly not cool