- Member Since 26th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen Sep 3rd, 2019
ElektroNeko
I'm the result of a failed cloning experiment to create the ultimate Frisian girl. As a result, I'm 61% cat, 37% human, and only 2% Frisian. Quite the failure.
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Constructive criticism: The way you word things needs a little work. Placement of certain words can change the whole mood of a scene and even make what you say come across differently. Also, look out for grammar mistakes.
However, second person stories are incredibly difficult to do well, so kudos to you on a job well done.
371157
Thanks X3. Could you give some examples of the grammar mistakes I made?
371170 said the clock you were watching at.
Said the clock you were watching would have been adequate, the "at" makes the sentence awkward. (my opinion on the awkward part)
371170 Oh and the tense is a little confusing, I can't tell if it's progressively happening or it already happened...
but that's about all that needs work. It's an interesting story.
371181
Those small things...
Thanks. I'm aware that I make this kind of grammar mistakes quite often.
371170 One final thing before I stop being nitpicky
last error that stuck out to me while i read
You instinct took over, as you started running too.
should be "your"
371199 it's okay, grammar is only one part of a story, the concept of the story is really what matters. Second person stories are also difficult to write (I've tried)
This is incredibly true.
After something like this, I would be devastated.
Really.
371207
It's cool. I'm not bitter about it or anything. ;3
And I think this is about the only 'good' second person fic I have in me.
I like the concept, but there are some problems with word placement and spelling which hinders your story.
For example, "One o'clock sharp, said the clock you were watching at." The word 'at' at the end of the sentence is unnecessary.
One spelling error that I caught was, "Psychical en mental pain." where 'en' should be 'and.'
There were other things besides this, so you should read it over again and edit a little. Otherwise I liked the story. Hope I helped.
371249
Ahh crap! The Dutch side of my brain took over again D:
And the first mistake was already fixed ;3
Yeah, you helped. Thanks.
371192
Aaaaaaaaaand tried to fix the tense.
I keep making mistakes with this. This is always the first commentary I got when I turned in things at school X3
371381 Tense is possibly the most annoying part of writing, I've had my ups and downs with it. Hope you are able to fix it!
Aww... Not quite a touching enough ending...
This seems to have trolled me. Nopony loved anypony in this...
That might just be an opinion style. The story seems well-written, as far as I can tell.
I WUD RELIZE DAT I HAD MIGK AN I USE MY MIGK TO GRAP TEH TRAYN AN FLI OVA TO IT! Then I go to Equestria!
*Lightbulb* IDEEEAAAA
371533
You made me realize a factual flaw in my fic...
Fixed X3
Hey, I have a solid Idea for an ending(s) and was wandering, since I suck at Second person, if I was able to change the perspective to first person. (Oh and upload the ending as my own story)
This is very interesting! I would love it you could make a followup story to this!
371829
Ok, tell me when it's done :3
371875
I've got an idea for one, but I don't know if it will pass the rules here, because it would be fully focused on the second person, with only references to ponies.
373484
if not, you could make a blog post to a google docs link or something. fanfiction.net might work as well.
DOOOOOOOOOOODE!
The End Of The Line
If this was me?
Follow them back to wherever they go to get to Equestria. Then tell every single brony about how to get there.
Then kick Rainbow Dash and force her to read "Cupcakes", all while screaming "YOU DESERVE IT!", then leave them to the bronies trying to get at them while riding away on a train.