I, Changeling

by Majin Syeekoh

I, Changeling

Chrysalis was in pure shock. Her mind was peeling back all of its layers as her life flashed before her. Defeating Safer Sombra, the Fealty Oath, the Invasion of Canterlot, all of these events flashed before her until it dug into her time as Bloody Mary. She relived the Sacking of Stalliongrad, the Hanging of Hoofington and the Burning of Baltimare. Still her mind peeled back further until she revisited her torture at the hands of King Sombra as her mind was twisted to feed off of love, the black carapace painfully being affixed to her form, and her genetic structure tampered with to shapeshift. Then she saw peace as Queen Crystalis di Amatore Maria as her subjects fawned over her every move, mimicked her every action to a T. Her mind then shifted back to the present, when she shook her head and stood up on her hooves, noticing that everypony around her had stopped. Celestia was still looking on, Cadance was still blasting where she was, Shining Armor still had the manacle in place, and Luna had fallen asleep. She thought of messing with them, but she had more important matters to attend to. She trotted outside to the landing pad, where the snow had stalled in place, each flake standing in statis. She grasped a flake in her magic and examined it, noting the elegant structure inherent to it. She sighed, then placed the snowflake where she had found it. She then crouched down, then took off, a shockwave of green emitting from where she had departed.

She quickly found the Windigoes encircling Canterlot, stopped in time like the landscape around her. She quickly zoomed to the first one, dispatching it with a flick of her hock. She dispatched the rest just as quickly. She then rocketed to Hoofington, repeating the process. Onward to Baltimare, where the same scene took place. She then looked over to Canterlot, where the Windigoes seem to have regenerated! She darted back to Canterlot and dispatched of them just as quickly as before. She then looked over to Hoofington. Same story, the Windigoes had regenerated. Chrysalis decided that this wasn’t going to work. They must have a central power source, just like her and her Hive. Now where would a winter spirit camp out? She decided on a hunch to streak over to the Crystal Empire.

There she found a giant cumulonimbus Windigo, with fifteen Windigoes encircling it. She dispatched of them, when to her surprise an ethereal hoof plucked her out of the sky and brought her to a giant pony face.

Who are you to disturb the natural order? it spoke directly into her mind.

She had so many answers for it, but her mind was speeding so quickly that she barely eked out, “Not...natural…” as she tried to struggle out of its grip. The Windigo that had ensnared her let out a ghostly chuckle while it moved across the landscape.

Of course it is natural. It is the way of things. We were created to destroy any threats to harmony without prejudice.

Chrysalis kept struggling. “Not...right…” she groaned. They were passing over Hoofington now.

Who is to say what is and isn’t right? We were created with a purpose, and we intend to carry it out.

“Purpose...flawed…” Chrysalis moaned.

And what manner of pony are you to decide our purpose is flawed? Do you think you can defeat us?

“Not...pony…”

Well, you certainly look like a pony. And ponies cannot defeat us. When we are struck down, more rise to take out place.

“Not...Pony!” she screamed as they parked above Canterlot.

Yes, you’ve already said that. Then what do you call yourself?

“I...CHANGELING!” Chrysalis screamed as she finally broke the grasp of the titanic Windigo, charging up her horn.

I’ve already told you, unless you can destroy every single one of us, this is all for naught. We will all regenerate...even I, Windigo Prime…

“Regenerate...this!” Chrysalis screamed as she rose into the sky, high above Equestria, where she could see all the land. She then blasted straight down, rushing to outrun the beam she had just fired out. She got within her own crosshairs, then transformed into Crystal Mary, the beam of friendship hitting her full-force, where it refracted upon her diamond facets and burned all of the Windigoes. She then faced Windigo Prime with a wicked smile curling across her lips, then unleashed the full force of what was left of her reserves straight into the winter spirit, where it disintegrated into ash.

“Regenerate...that…” she said before she fell down straight into—
----

“Uh-huh. Keep telling yourself that.” Celestia said to her sister as she huffed and turned away, soon to be asleep again. A rainbow light then flashed across the windows, shocking everypony except Luna, who was blissfully asleep.

“What was that?” Cadance asked.

Celestia smiled. “I don’t know...why don’t you ask her?” she said as she stepped to the side.

“Ask who—” Cadance got out before a pony crashed through the ceiling into the throne room, causing Cadance to shriek and Luna to snap awake.

“We’re awake!” Luna shouted as she looked around, finally resting her eyes on the source of the disturbance, gasping in response to what she saw.

“Queen Crystalis di Amatore Maria!” she said, bowing low. Celestia followed suit, as did Shining Armor, leaving Cadance to sit in shock.

“Call me...Queen Mary…” Mary said, hacking roughly. Cadance appeared to be beside herself.

“Is this...a trick?” she asked.

Queen Mary shook her head as she rose onto her hooves. “No trick, my dear descendant. It is I. It appears that when Chrysalis took my form, my memories came with it.” Cadance sat there, frozen. What should she do? What should she say?

“I’ve...never met a member of my own family before.” She finally got out.

“Well, then, why don’t we do what family members do?” Queen Mary said, forearms outstretched. Cadance rushed in to seal the embrace.

“I’m afraid I’m not long for this world, so listen closely,” Queen Mary said into Cadance’s ear, “you do have family. Your adopted Aunts, Celestia and Luna, and your husband Shining Armor. And don’t forget Queen Chrysalis, who sacrificed herself momentarily to save us all.”

Tears started streaming down Cadance’s face. “I won’t, ancestor. I won’t.” she said as she cried in earnest as Queen Mary shifted back into Queen Chrysalis, who looked around to find that she was hugging Princess Cadance, of all ponies, and that everypony else present was bowing down to her, much to her confusion.

“Did I miss something?” Chrysalis asked. Cadance hugged Chrysalis tightly.

“No, ancestor, you didn’t.” Cadance said. “You just saved us all.”

Chrysalis gave a smug grin at that. “Told you I’d do it.”

Celestia, Luna, and Shining Armor raised from their bows, watching the pleasant scene unfold, when Chrysalis started retching, Cadance backing away. Chrysalis then presented her inner mouth and started gagging as she hacked up a black ichor which hit the ground and burnt through the carpet, then collapsed onto the ground. Cadance rushed over to her and listened for a breath, and upon finding none, she proceeded to pummel her chest, Chrysalis’s body shivering from each blow. Cadance looked around. “Well, aren’t you going to help!? Call an ambulance!” Celestia and Luna looked around, realizing it was upon them to bring Chrysalis to the hospital. Celestia crouched down.

“Well, load her up.”

----

Chrysalis awoke to a blindingly white room. She tried to move, but her entire body locked up in pain. She tried to grasp herself with her magic, but her horn throbbed in agony.

“Me,” she said, “I feel like I’ve been run over by a Tatzlwurm.” She turned her head to find Cadance sitting by her side...feeding her love? “What is the meaning of this? Is this a detention center for political prisoners?”

Cadance shook her head, chuckling at the comment Chrysalis just made. “No, Mary, it’s a hospital. The nice doctors and nurses are going to take care of you until you get better.”

Chrysalis frowned. “But I have a Hive to handle! I have things to do! And why are you using that appellation?”

Cadance shook her head, still smiling. “Because it’s your name, silly.”

Chrysalis raised an eyebrow at Cadance. “And why are you feeding me love? Don’t you realize that Changelings are forbidden to feed on love?”

“The doctors said you’d need lots of love in order to get better, quite literally in your case,” Cadance said, “and I’m here to give it to you!” Cadance then proceeded to pull out a huge teddy bear holding a heart that said ‘I wuv you’ on it. She then poked it belly, when it said, “I wuv you!” Cadance giggled like a schoolgirl at that. “Don’t you just love it?”

Chrysalis gagged at the stuffed bear. Maybe it was better when Cadance hated her.

Comments

[Perteks]

Aww damn complete already?
I hoped for more

[Majin Syeekoh]

4103475 Eh, I felt the story had run its course. Windigoes were the main villain, problem solved.

[Europa]

The title drop! Good ending but... moar changelings in Equestria?

[ParadoxPony]

I loved it but maybe a few more chapters to wrap up the club with Vynal and the CMC.

[ThePristineEye]

The title made me think that this was going to be a knock off of I Robot.
Great story(s) man.

[Majin Syeekoh]

4111910 Well, I was referring to the novel I, Robot, which is quite different from the movie.

I'm glad that you liked it!

[ThePristineEye]

4112067 To be honest, I haven't read the book or watched the movie. so i don't even know why I'm speculating if i don't have any first hand experience. oh look at that, I have $20 in my wallet. time to visit a bookstore.

[Majin Syeekoh]

4112091 good man.

[cheezesauce]

Hi! I’m cheezesauce from WRITE, called in to say a few words about your story, and it looks like quite a healthy like to dislike ratio it’s got there to begin with. I’m going reading this without prior knowledge of the prequel, which I realise has another prequel to it.

Show, don’t tell. That’s the first thing that comes to me as I read the first sentence. Instead of flat out telling me that Cheerilee’s alarm went off, try to start off with something more interesting, like the loud, droning sound from the alarm for example. When we read about a loud sound to begin with, we’d want to find out more about it, and would be much more likely to continue reading on than if we are simply told about Cheerilee waking up to her alarm.

The first words of any story are handed the important responsibility of hooking the passing reader right into the story, and hopefully he’ll stay trapped in there until it finishes. Recalling back, I remember coming across one old fic that began with a beautiful opening line, and I’m sharing it in hope that you’ll have a better idea of what I mean. It began with a line like: “Celestia took a sip from her glass of wine as she watched the world burn.” It’s a much more powerful way to start comparatively.

When it comes to paragraphs, one useful trick would be to aim for a single main point to each paragraph, and then making everything in that paragraph build towards that main point. Paragraphs are the little pieces of jigsaw that when put together, make up a scene and the story itself. These pieces have to be kept small and manageable, a bit like how you cut up a fruit into little pieces instead of shoving the whole thing in your mouth. So again, stick to about one point per paragraph. Sentences that don’t fit or don’t pull their weight should be trimmed off like excess fat.

On the other hand, disorganised paragraphs are often lengthy, covering more things than it can take, and often look like a big block of words. Hence the term ‘giant walls of text’. In your story, it is remarkably difficult to follow what has been written in just the first two paragraphs in the first chapter. Cheerilee woke up. Cheerilee shut off her alarm. Cheerilee filled up a kettle with water. Cheerilee pulled out a bag… and so on. There’s a whole array of things happening one after another, being crammed into a paragraph, and that forces the pace of reading into a slow, painful trudge. Alternatively, readers would skip entire chunks altogether, cherry-picking words to get the key points that you’re trying to make.

Not only that, cramming points also stifles any form of description. Description needs its space in order to flourish. That’s why you don’t find authors using flowery phrases in the heat of an action packed gun battle. Giving a detailed account of how Cheerilee starts off her morning does NOT count as description. Instead, it’s more of ‘telling’. It would be more effective to focus on a few actions, and bringing colour to it, rather than just pumping out a whole tonne of fluff. Quality beats quantity hands down in writing. Instead of just telling us about Cheerilee doing this and doing that, try selecting a few things that she’s doing, the ones that you feel most comfortable with, and then put in all your effort to elaborate on it. Add more imagery; bring the scene to the reader by making things more vivid, more readily imaginable, and then you’ll have your perfect description.

As the story progresses, the massive paragraphs of narration give way to lighter, active dialogue. It’s a change most people would welcome, and it feels that the dialogue has much more strength compared to the narration.

The focus so far has mainly been on the writing rather than the plot. I think the most potential lies within this area, because only with fluid sentences can an intricate plot be weaved, and only with beautiful writing can a great story be made. I hope that you write towards yours.

cheezesauce, WRITE's Perpetual Underground Lurker.

fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png

[Majin Syeekoh]

4267575 Thank you for your review. I was trying something else with the first chapter, but it seems to have fallen flat.

Thank you for your input, I will keep it in mind as I write future stories.

[tsaukpaetra]

So that was fun.
Keep going! ;)

[Majin Syeekoh]

4444183 Indeed.

[Solid Punch]

Well, it's certanally better than first and second one. Very much better. Upvote.

[Razzy]

Nice ending, I like Chryssie's reaction, too. And good times for the Cutelings Yay!

I just hope those of the ponies that killed any changelings will be prosecuted.

Cya
Raziel-chan