Chapter 1 - Craps Already Exploding?! -REVISED AND FULLY LOADED!-
OH COME ON?! Even The Title Is A Giant Dick Joke?!
Written By: Derek Watterson, AKA AnimatedGamer
Chapter 1 - Craps Already Exploding?!
-REVISED AND FULLY LOADED!-
_________________________________________________________________________
The Undead Asylum Con 2019. A con dedicated to a guy who disappeared a long time ago dressed as Solarie Knight of Astora, or at least him and all the other people who suddenly vanished under similar circumstances.
You may be wondering, why call this con The Undead Asylum Con? Well, it started with someone who was dressed as a Dark Soul’s character. Sooo… some guy with money decided to call him and the other people who disappeared The Chosen Undead, in honor of his last chosen appearance.
Of course I talk like the disappearances ended. They haven’t. People dressed up just seem to vanish in thin air all the time now, of course as far as I’ve put together, regulars -normal people dressed as normal people- have been vanishing as well.
So why go to a con dedicated to people disappearing randomly, most of them dressed as some fictional hero or villain? Because, it’d be a waste not too. It’s not too often cons are started to raise awareness and money for studying the strange vanishing’s.
So here I was, my two best friends in tow, at the con. I was dressed as the adult version of Simon the Driller! I pointed my finger up to the ceiling covered sky as we ascended up the escalator to the show floor, waiting for the moment I would appear over the edge to use Simon’s line, and when I finally did… well;
“MY DRILL WILL BE THE DRILL TO PIERCE THE HEAVENS!” I yelled out wildly as we entered the main floor of the con. To say I got looks would be an understatement. Entirely.
My twin bro was dressed up as Kamina, and like my outfit made me look incredibly like Simon, his made him look like the spitting image of Kamina. His response to me yelling was too push himself forward, using my back to go high enough that people could see him and then he yelled out his own line, “WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!? I’M KAMINA THE GREAT LEADER OF TEAM DAI-GURREN!”
And lastly was my best friend, who was here because of a bet she lost.
She was dressed as none other than Yoko, the Greatest Shot who ever lived. And boy did she pull of Yoko. I mean damn. Holy shit she was hot in Yoko’s star getup. I almost wanna ask her to wear it more often, but I’m pretty sure she’d just blush madly before beating my face in with my own skull.
“Ehhh, idiots…” Was her opening statement, though I’m pretty sure she actually meant what she said, still the trade-off for her losing our race challenge was to come with us dressed as Yoko so we could pull off the three big heroes, and she wouldn't complain much considering she had lost.
Not a second later we stepped off the escalator and looked around at the various venders and cosplayers. I noted with curiosity that there were two people, dressed as characters from two equally famous shows, standing in the center of a large crowd. What was heard was pure stupidity; “TITANS ARE MY TRIGGER! MUST KILL ALL TITANS!!!”
Our group all mumbled the same thing. “Oh shit…”
I’m not shitting you when I say that MOST of the regulars in the crowd laughed, and that the whole show floor shook in their extremely boisterous laughter.
Stupid abridged jokes, making everyone laugh goddammit...
“Shut up, TitanF**ker69, you have no idea how I even feel right now.”
This comment of course earned silence. Followed by a singular comment from someone in the crowd. “You’re a Dick!”
All was quiet again, until a tall cosplayer stepped up in the crowd, walking with a girl dressed in some sort of officer styled clothing… is that girl seriously carrying an anti-tank rifle? In a con? Goddamn…
The taller cosplayer pushed through the crowd easily -all eyes on him now- making his way to the two people who were now arguing.
When he and the large breasted woman made it to the center he spoke up, “What’s up Bitches? Fighting like the dirty little whore’s you know you are?”
They both stood there for second as if waiting for the tall dude to add more, but when he didn't the smaller guy ran, yelling rather loudly as he turned around a corner. “HE-E CALLE-E-D ME-E-E A-A WHORE-E-E! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaa….”
Then. Then there was silence again, but it didn’t last nearly as long this time as the taller cosplayer yelled out to the fleeing form. “WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?! DOES MY BREATH STINK?! Eh, whatever. EAT ME, DON’T FORGET TO WRITE!”
We left quickly.
And we got a lot, and I mean a LOT of looks of approval as we traversed the con -especially my friend- and that fueled my already started high of energy as we drifted through the con. After a while we stumbled upon a prop maker’s shop, and we happened to find some of the coolest stuff.
Eventually I found something that I had to buy! It was a glowing replica of Simon’s Drill key. I immediately picked it up off the shelf it was resting on and found myself standing beside my friends at the shops counter.
What they had impressed me, because my bro found a metal, exact replica of Kamina’s sword, and a better quality pair of Kamina’s shades.
My best friend found a better quality skull hair pin and Yoko’s hair needles for the bun in her hair, as well as a metal, nearly fully working replica of Yoko’s 50. Cal.
We all talked about our finds as we waited for the shop keep to come to the counter, which wasn't that long. He looked at us with a judging glare for a few seconds before a broad smile appeared on his face, what came next was a surprise indeed.
“Well look at you all! You’re all the spitting images of the characters from Gurren Lagann! And I see you picked out pieces that come from the show!”
I responded right away, an even larger grin than his on my face. “You bet! I never would have thought such awesome replicas of any of these things would be anywhere near my hometown! How much are they all?”
“Hmmm,” He hummed quietly to himself, his focus now given to the ceiling, but after a few quiet moments he continued. “Normally I would charge 529 dollars for all of it, but you guys pull the costumes off so well… and they haaave been sitting around for so long… so I’ll only charge 300 dollars for it all…”
We all stared at him blankly for a few seconds, a mixture of surprise at his generosity and his kindness, till I broke out of it and snapped the others out of their stupor. They both nodded to me, sealing the deal. I turned my face back to him. It was now split into a grin in much the same size as the previous one.
“Sir. We would be fools not to take your bargain and generosity.”
He seemed happy about our deal and smirked, before it shrank a little as if he realized something. And realize something he did.
“Oh… right, sorry but I gotta add 25 dollars to that… gotta donate two hundred dollars to the con’s goal before I reach my personal goal… and I have to take about every chance I can to add to it. If only to help find my missing grandchildren…”
I looked at him for second, then to my companions, both of whom nodded pulling out their wallets, so I turned back to him doing the same. “Good sir, I must thank you for this, and as such I will pay 25 on my own as well as they.”
We forked over a 125 each and he took the money with a grin. “You guys are great! Just like the real Team Dai-Gurren! I wish you coulda met the other guys who came in a bit a go as Viral and Nia, woulda been great!”
He turned his head to the wall behind him, our own eyes following his visional path, and after a few seconds he turned back. “But, ah…. You mind takin a photo with me for the wall?” He pointed to the wall covered in pictures of other donors, though I noted he put extra thanks on those who donated more than 25 dollars like he was asking us.
“Sure dude, we’ll take a picture with you! I mean why wouldn't you want to take a picture with the Great Kamina!” Exclaimed my bro, nonchalantly throwing his new sword onto his shoulder, before rotating it so that it laid on both his shoulders and then he draped his arms loosely over it.
I laughed as we walked to a small area cleared of shelves, and next to door, no doubt cleared for group photos like the picture we took with him. We all watched as he hung it on the wall with other ones.
That’s when I realized fate was going to screw with us. Hard, and with no breathing room. Because what followed was me and my bro and my friend getting in a fight with a group drunkards who managed to get into the con. We fought valiantly and much drunk ass was kicked, but at the price of us all getting thrown into a wall.
It unfortunately shattered. Yup, you saw that right. It shattered into a bunch of rainbow colored shards and we went THROUGH it, like it was a pool of water.
And then BOOM. Strange new world.
With gunmen. And older Viral and Nia.
Shit was gonna get crazy fucked up.
----Equestria, 10,099 Year Later, Celestial and Luna----
Luna was walking, walking down the path from her room to the dining room, where she would convene with her sister for a little bit while eating and preparing for night court. When she arrived she noted that Celestia was already sat at the table eating what appeared to be… hay fries and a milkshake.
This alluded her to her sisters turmoil instantly, but she decided not bring up said conclusion directly, instead she asked a normal question. “Sister, how went the day court?”
Celestia looked up as her sister asked this question, absent mindedly taking another drink from her milk shake before answering. “It was not so great. So many ponies are complaining about Discord causing chaos.”
“Then you should reprimand him for his actions.”
Celestia sighed. “If only it were so easy.”
Luna had sat down at this point and tilted her head. “What do you mean?”
“He’s getting in trouble because he wants to help people, but doesn’t understand that he can’t just chaos things to help. For instance, he was going to help the castle staff janitor’s, but he ended up turning all the brooms and sweeps and buckets into sentient creatures, who ‘cleaned up’ everything from common trash to ponies, too a well, seemingly rehearsed, theme! It was horrendous, truly!”
Luna shook her head and giggled lightly at Celestia as her demeanor changed over the course of her small rant. “Perhaps you sh-“
The doors to the room split open with aloud crack. “Princess Celestia, Princess Luna!”
“What is it, guard?”
He panted in exhaustion for a moment, holding one of his fore-hooves to his chest before speaking. “Several of the statues in the garden are gone!”
Celestia’s frazzled expression changed back instantly, and Luna’s small smirk evaporated. They both shouted the same thing.
“Which statues!” The guard shook for a few seconds before responding, clearly nervous about their reactions, after all, he had never seen them react this way. Then again, few did.
“The Spiral Warriors. Gurren Lagann, your majesties.” The guards voice spoke out, crackling lightly.
Both princess faces paled.
This was not good at all.
The guard finally fainted.
Shit was gonna get crazy fucked up.
Again…
****
----20 Minutes Earlier, Simon’s POV---
Stone. I was trapped in stone, for over ten thousand years. And this was my complaint for it; Aughhhhh, bro, it’s so boring! I think they may have found something worse for spiral races than just killing them like the anti-spiral!
I have said that every twenty minutes for the last 99,999 years. I think it’s safe to say I was bored out of my goddamn mind.
Yes, I get it, being stuck in the same position for a really long time sucks. But at least we’ll be around when the anti-spiral comes.
But at the rate these ponies are re-developing bro, that’s gonna be like FOREEVVVVEERR…. Plus, we would probably… most likely… definitely die as well…
I just wish you had your damn Drill! We’d have been out of here a long time ago! Exclaimed Yoko, who had reached, and stayed at her breaking point since about the fifth time they had both started saying the same thing over and over again.
Before I could respond there was a sudden slurping sound and then a voice. Hello Spiral Warriors. I take it your bored out of your wits by the conversation I’ve walked into.
I did however respond before anyone interrupted me this time. Yes! So boooorrreeed! But who are you?
The voice didn’t respond for a few moments before piping up again. Names Discord, but that doesn’t matter right now. What does matter is that your bored, I’m bored, and the Anti-Spiral is about to make a move on Equus. So. Without further ado, I’m going to free you all, and then guide you via telepathy to your personal belongings. Should you fight the Anti Spiral for us that is...
Oh hell yea. Freedom Bitches.
Fine, we’ll take you up on your offer, just get us out of here… it’s so BOOOORRRIIINGGG!
I swear I could hear him grin. Like no seriously there was a moment of loud, over exaggerated, skin pulling back. It was pretty creepy, but I think I would go through just about anything to be free.
Here you go. Then the stone started cracking and peeling off of me. Instead of making cracking noises as it fell though it made something similar to a pen… never mind…. I don’t need to re-affirm my life again… goddamn overlapping dick jokes won’t leave me alone…
When I was finally free I fell to my knees onto the hard stone surface my statue had rested on. It hurt, but I didn’t have much control over my body. After all, human muscles aren’t made to sit dormant for 10,000-ish years.
I heard several other loud crashes as stone hit stone and my bro and friends fell to their knees on their own pedestals.
Then the voice spoke again. Don’t worry, the feeling in your muscles will return in a few minutes, until then rest.
----Back To The Present Time, With Celestia, Luna, and The Guard Who Was Now Being Carried Away Like A Pansy Because He Lost Relevancy Like 30 Seconds Ago----
Luna looked to Celestia, who was now in mild panic and seemed stuck, pacing in a circle that was slowly digging into the marble floor of the castles dining room. “Luna, do you know what this means! Our whole way of life could be in danger again!”
Luna looked calmly on, the nervousness and uneasy feeling growing in her stomach, and after several seconds she spoke. “I’m sure they’ll listen to reason, they did defend our entire planet from the Beastmen all those years ago, surely they wouldn't just attack us, even if we did seal them away without their consent. They’ll understand we did what we thought was necessary to keep our ponies safe.”
Celestia looked up to her sister, stopping her continued drilling into the floor. “Lulu, we sealed them away after THEY threw their lives away for US, and we abandoned all the technology they gave us, in order to too keep ponykind from following the same path as them,” she paused before quickly and solemnly adding, “Do you really think they’ll just up and forgive us for that?”
Silence reigned itself in as they both stared out the large window in the room, watching as the twilight hours of the day ended, spreading into Luna's beautiful night.
Celestia spoke up as Luna raised the moon, her face now set in a calm stone. “We must seal them again, sister. It’s the only way to keep our little ponies safe. Even if those poor being’s must suffer again….”
“I… I… I don’t know sister, but I will follow you in this matter as far as I can, if only to protect our ponies…”
----Simon’s POV 15 Minutes Earlier----
I tried slipping off of the pedestal I’d been resting on for 10,000 or so years. I climbed down like a stealthy ninja lord. See… ninja plus… sith… lord….
Fuck it, that joke failed… and I really sorta just fell off, landing on my ass.
Hahaha, that was great! I wish I had instant replay on for that!
“Yea yea, laugh it up strange little magical voice in my head.”
As I stood up I heard several footsteps on the cobblestone path I was on.
“Hey Simon, good to be back, am I right?” Ah, Kamina.
“You bet, it’s nice being able to stretch my legs again.”
I then saw Yoko step up from behind him. “Yeah, I needed to let my legs stretch to.”
Nia steeped up soon after, yawning and making her way too me, before leaning against me. Viral walked up, coming from the same area as Nia, closing and opening his fists, a small grin plastered on his face.
“You ready, Simon, Kamina, Yoko, Nia? We got some stuff to take back.”
Alright, your limbs have feeling now, your all here, let’s get you your stuff back!
I paused. “How exactly are we gonna go about getting there?”
Like this.
Suddenly the ground around us fell, which as fate demands, meant we began to fly.
Down.
Somehow, I managed to get out a question before gravity fully applied itself. “I thought you said you were going to guide us there!”
Everyone else's immediate reaction can be put into a singular exclamation; “AAAAAUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHhhhh…..!”
So I obviously am. By the way, this is gonna be loud, so call in your in your Gurren Lagann the moment you lot land!
----Celestia and Luna POV, Back To The Future----
Celestia turned to the other guards in front of her, all of whom had made their way there after seeing the running unicorn guard from earlier being carried off. They sat, waiting for orders. “Have all the guards in Canterlot head to the High Mage Museum, and seize all class 5 items immediately.”
She then turned her head to Luna. “You teleport to the museum ahead of the guards and do anything you can to keep them from getting their belongings back without harming them. I’ll go fetch the Elements and bring them there.”
Luna nodded and her horn began to glow, “I’ll do my best Tia.” and she was gone in a flash.
BOOOOOOOM!
Celestia lost her balance for a second and nearly tripped. “What in the name of Faust was that!”
Then it hit her. “Oh no… not already… not yet…”
Shits getting fucked up….. Already…. Again…. Sigh….
----Simon’s POV, Thinking With Portal’s Hurts----
“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-“ Snap, BOOOOOOM!
“Augh! My coxis!” Yup, beautiful reaction to an -small, but not really- explosion, right? Cause its totally not like I landed crotch first on one of those poll barrier things that hotels and museums use to keep people from going places they shouldn… “Wait a second… crotch on poll, poll used in hotels… OH MY GOD, THEY USED MY DRILL-“ Slap. I turned, holding my crotch in one hand and my now red hand tattooed face, to see Yoko.
“No you idiot, they didn’t use your drill as a hotel sex toy! Were in a museum.”
“Oh goddammit, I was gonna reference the symbolism that my life is… is a… a… giant…,” Le Sigh, “never mind… let’s just go get our stuff back…”
I looked over the area, still holding myself mind you, and noticed besides the polls that we landed in a section of a museum. And judging by the Ancient Artifacts titling above the entry arch, we were in a room filled with, get this, ANCIENT ARTIFACTS.
It pissed me off, just a little, that our weapons were considered ancient artifacts. The pissed levels were still there though.
We walked around the room in groups consisting of me and Nia, Kamina and Yoko, and Viral on his own because out of all of us, he is the one who doesn’t REQUIRE a buddy system to keep himself alive. Immortal bastard.
Did I mention how he is a cool dude, but he still manages to set off my nerves.
How did we even meet up again?
****************************************************************************
Next time on, OH COME ON?! Even The Title Is A Giant Dick Joke?! :
“I honestly don’t care Luna! We risked our lives to take on a threat to YOUR world, your species, and even you. And you and your sister sealed us away in stone, where we remained conscious the whole time…”
“Y-You were a-awake the whole time?” Celestial stuttered out.
“Yeah, and now, we’re back in action, ready to fight off a threat larger than even the Beastmen and their leader, Lord Genome. But first… we need to reestablish our weapons, which means, by default, you lose a part of your country.”
“More powerful than Lord Genome?!”
“Much more…”
…..
“D-do you think I’ll f-fall f-for that? And no matter what you say, I won’t let you take hostage a part of Equestria.”
“No, I don’t expect you to listen to anything I say at all.”
***
A mysterious stallion dressed in a black cloak lands squarely in between the two party’s, then immediately begins to speak. “Princess Celestia, Princess Luna,” He pauses, looking towards Twilight and her friends. “Girls,” he turns back to the princesses. “I’m afraid I can’t let you turn them to stone again. Not if the real enemy draws near.”
“Why do you support those who would will destruction and death on our planet? Is it not you and your army’s job to defend us from threats?”
“I do only what is needed to defend our land, princess. And if breaking from you and your chain of command is necessary to do so, I will gladly break from you.”
“Wrathy? You’d go against us? Even after all that we've been through?”
“Yes Pinkie, and after our friendship has bloomed I have strengthened my resolve to do what’s right, even if you view it as wrong.”
He then turns his head to the humans in the giant metal, fighting machine. “Spiral Warriors, I am a part of a family who has descended from warriors who fought by your side during the great war on Equus. I command the world’s most specialized army, and the most diverse as well. I have over three thousand of some of the most loyal ponies, Gryphon’s, Diamond Dogs, Changeling’s, and even Dragon’s on this planet.”
“And I offer to you my services as a warrior, as well as their own.”
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4064548 4048377 Revision is up! Enjoy!
~AnimatedGamer
Let me reiterate what I said in the previous version of this chapter.
I hate technophobe Celestia, and I can't wait to see the part where she learns her lesson.
Good job with the edits. It's much smoother now.
4083111 XD Don't worry, she'll get whats comin to her! As well as a FACE FULL OF I TOLD YOU SO/ BITCH PLEASE!!!
Interesting, might hop on the band wagon at some point as well.
4084430 Sweet, what property you thinking about in particular if any?
~AnimatedGamer
4084743 Property?
4085246 As in franchise, so like Gurren Lagann, and Dark Souls are two different properties.
~AnimatedGamer
4085431 Kill la kill, or Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin, or D-Greyman, or Bleach, wait I think that's already been done, Or that princess chick from Frozen.
4085436 Ahh, I don't know if you saw the three in one reference I added in early in to the chapter, but if I ever get writers block for this and my other stuff, gonna do an abridged Xover LoHAV story.
~AnimatedGamer
4086683 And what would that reference be? To the abridged attack on titan and hellsing ultimate series?
4088822 Its a reference to the Team Four Star Hellsing Abridged, SAO abridged, and BOTH versions of the Attack On Titan abridged. Think of the most horrendous thing you can.
Then multiply it by cancer.
~AnimatedGamer
4089094 What's SAO abridged?
4089987 Sword Art Online Abridged, by SomethingWittyEntertainment, otherwise known as SWE.
They seem to be relative new to abridging (I've never heard of them outside of SAO Abridged), but their quality is pretty high.
Here's a link for you. Have the greatest of fun!
~AnimatedGamer
4248167 Thank you! I try!
Honestly, my editor says I write like some famous abridger, who wont be named until chapter two, which is on its final lap before I send it in to be edited. Hopeful ETA: sometime during the weekend.
XD I know who cardgamesftw is, as well as teamfourstar. Didn't you get the Attack On Titan Abridged or Hellsing Ultimate Abridged reference lol?
Anyways, thanks for the positive feedback!
Till next chapter!
~AnimatedGamer
4251970 I'm glad you did then!
It may also be a hint at an unlikely but possible 'thing' that may or may not happen one day...
After this is done, most likely that is!
~AnimatedGamer, Probably Raising Hope Way To Much!
4251730
I need to get out of here... Its the smell
is it dead?
*pokes with stick*
4536005 No, sorry if it seems that way, but I've lost chapter two like three time now...
I'm back at the 8k word mark, and I'm near the end again, so soon.
It probably doesn't help that I'm working a job, I have my studies year round, and I'm working with a group of other writers on a collab.
Sorry again about the wait on stuff but life finally decided to pick up when I wanted to do something fun (T.T)
~AnimatedGamer
4062170 will we be seeing super tengen toppa gurren lagann http://gurrenlagann.wikia.com/wiki/Super_Tengen_Toppa_Gurren_Lagann
4569136 Later on towards the end of the story, yes. But will you be ready for more than that?!
4569977 But of course I am the Valeyard!
4570549 Good, good... Now I just need to finish this chapter. I hate writers block... everything just looks so wrong...
THE DREAMS OF THOSE WHO HAVE FALLEN, THE HOPES OF THOSE THAT WILL FOLLOW THESE TWO SETS OF DREAMS WEAVE TOGETHER INTO A DOUBLE HELIX DRILLING A PATH TOWARDS TOMORROW.
4632014 Great quote choice lol
Tis true though.
~AnimatedGamer
4632157 I loved that quote myself.
4632707 Yeah, its a great one.
I'm gonna use it later on when the crew goes after the new Lord Genome. Of course by later on, I mean way earlier. CONFUSING ISN'T IT?!
4633486 heck The original Teggen Toppa Gurren Laggen was confusing.....but awesome....Die Anti Spiral Die
4636356 This one might end up that way too, considering you can expect everyone to be at least twice as powerful as they were in the show. I'm not saying anything, but Lord Genome's fight aint gonna be pretty lol.
Still need to finish the chapter, but I have serious writers block right now, and it friggin sucks.
4636968 the one in the show wasn't either I mean his entire body was dissintagrated with the exception of his head.
4637099 Oh boy, it's gonna be waaaaay worse than that. Also, side note; he had a huge hole blasted into his chest, then he fell off the giant, and then seven years later his brain matter was found and from it, his head was recreated.
Dark stuff.
Mine is darker. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Also side note; Sorry bout the reply time, but I missed the reply thing I got.
4719924 That is more interesting then what I thought. is King Kittan gonna make any apperances
4729808 Possibly.
See, I had this issue early on, when I actually started building a plan for this thing, with the amount of characters in the show vs how many I felt comfortable with writing.
The five heroes I picked out in the first chapter are only a part of a much larger cast. A much larger cast. Including, but not limited too; the mane six and spike, the celestial sisters, Discord, two yet to be seen siblings, a dragon enforcer, a changeling rogue, a zebra doctor, a bat pony spy, a unicorn mage, an earthpony tank, a pegasi thief, a lord genome, an anti-spiral king, aaaand God. That last one may or may not be an ongoing joke between me and my friends
I may, key word being may, do some side chapters including the other Gurren Lagann characters in their own interactions with Equestria.
Also, somewhere here in the comment section, I once said I was going to try dragging all of the GL crew in, but that idea is most probably dropped. As in, no, I can't. To many characters and too much work for me to do now as is anyways. Again, possible non-canon side chapters way, as in waaaaay later on, but otherwise, don't expect it.
Ah, Burden Lagann, the only show where you can literally say, "Fuck physics, I'm awesome!" And have it actually WORK. That finale is an Inception joke waiting to happen...