it is good but it need some touching up and you didn't explain him at all and every this is happing to fast but I do like where this is going, try to get an editor to help you right it.
Well this is new. I'm serious about that too. Not once have I read a fic like this. I only have one thing to say, and that is PACE. This thing called a story chapter is flying around like a moth trapped in a fan. Not pretty if you ask me.
Honestly, that was a bit too short for all that to happen. Maybe if you stretch it out a bit with explanations as well as touching up on your spelling, this has the potential of a pretty good story.
You need to slow down, explain things more like how the rentry went, or the feelings of Dave as he understood HE was the last human for 13000 years. Yeah it would take longer and more effort but it will be worth it. To many ideas get ruined because of people rushing the story.
i also agree with words you already put it as though celestia and david are on a more first name basices i more or less would have had him jump over the table and try to defend himself at the thought of luna being celestias sister because of there first introduction him fearing that the same thing is going to happen but i love the idea you got
Oh dear god. And this was edited? Every one who read this story before me, you have my sympathies. I am especially sorry for the ones who read this before it was edited. Because dear sweet Celestia and Luna, how did you not break down in tears at grammar so bad that it horrifies me!?! I don't normally give people crap about grammar because I am crap at it myself, but what the hell! Were you five when you wrote this?
Grammar and punctuation need serious work, but this is interesting.. Willing to waid through mind-graiting problems.. Idk about everyone else, i can only speak for me
it is good but it need some touching up and you didn't explain him at all and every this is happing to fast but I do like where this is going, try to get an editor to help you right it.
Well this is new. I'm serious about that too. Not once have I read a fic like this. I only have one thing to say, and that is PACE. This thing called a story chapter is flying around like a moth trapped in a fan. Not pretty if you ask me.
Honestly, that was a bit too short for all that to happen. Maybe if you stretch it out a bit with explanations as well as touching up on your spelling, this has the potential of a pretty good story.
Um... I don't know what to say but... I kind of want more? Uh... I'm going to slap the FUCK out of that like button
You need to slow down, explain things more like how the rentry went, or the feelings of Dave as he understood HE was the last human for 13000 years. Yeah it would take longer and more effort but it will be worth it. To many ideas get ruined because of people rushing the story.
Ugh...
4015192 I agree
i also agree with words you already put it as though celestia and david are on a more first name basices i more or less would have had him jump over the table and try to defend himself at the thought of luna being celestias sister because of there first introduction him fearing that the same thing is going to happen but i love the idea you got
Oh dear god. And this was edited? Every one who read this story before me, you have my sympathies. I am especially sorry for the ones who read this before it was edited. Because dear sweet Celestia and Luna, how did you not break down in tears at grammar so bad that it horrifies me!?! I don't normally give people crap about grammar because I am crap at it myself, but what the hell! Were you five when you wrote this?
Kill this chapter before it lays eggs! Damn too late.....
A bit to fast paced in my opinion
wait the fuck does mean!
the war is still going on you fuck ODST.
7139236 if you actually read the whole story, the war ended LONG ago. It's about 13,000 years after the war.
Grammar and punctuation need serious work, but this is interesting.. Willing to waid through mind-graiting problems.. Idk about everyone else, i can only speak for me
8505582
David is alive so there must be others they are likely trapped on shield worlds.