"Rainbow??" Pinkie asked "Please tell me what's wrong". The desperation in Pinkies voice broke Rainbow Dash's heart. But, she didn't say a word. "Dashie please! If you don't tell me I can't help you.." Pinkie had been at it for about ten minutes now with no luck. Rainbow had seemed off ever since Pinkie told her that her and Cheese Sand which started dating but, Pinkie couldn't understand why. "Did I do something wrong? Did Dashie not like Cheesy?! Was Dash a filly fooler!? Nah! Rainbow would have told me by now!" Pinkie thought in her head. Still nothing from Rainbow Dash. Just as Pinkie was about to say something, Cheese Sand which walked over to where Pinkie and Dash were at the Ponyville park.
"Hello my bouncy little mare friend " he said nuzzling Pinkie. Pinkie didn't even look his direction. Just at Rainbow...
"Hey Cheesy" she said finally turning away. Her voice was low as her hair slowly went flat. "Let's go"
Cheese Sand which and Pinkie had plans to go to the fair that was being set up that day but, Pinkie didn't feel like the fair anymore. All she wanted to do was sit and think. As they walked Cheese looked at his Mare friend and knew something was wrong. He didn't have to ask. Her head was drooped down and her eyes getting mistier and mistier by the second was no normal thing. He spoke up.
"Hey uh... Pinkie?" He asked. She didn't look at him.
"Yeah?" She said quietly. Cheese stopped and looked back at Rainbow. Who was still sitting the same way.
" I will catch up with you. Meet me at Sugar cube corner in 5 minutes?" He asked hoping she wouldn't ask why. She just nodded.
Cheese turned around and trotted toward Dash. Whatever happened had to do with Rainbow Dash and he wanted to get to the bottom of it.
"Rainbow Dash?" He said startling the cyan Pegasus. She looked at him with red eyes and a dark expression.
"Go away. " she said looking back at her hooves on the ground. Cheese was getting anxious.
" No. Not until you tell me what happened with Pinkie. " he said firmly. Rainbow's head shot back and she got up on her hooves. Giving him a stare that could've killed Discord she said coldly;
"YOU happened." Rainbow stepped toward him and he stepped back. " YOU asked her out and ruined everything. You came in like a cool guy and took her away!!" She said fighting back tears. " Stay strong" she told herself in her head. She couldn't stay strong though. Not knowing that the love of her life, the person that makes her smile, was just stolen from her. She stops moving forward and ants her haunches back on the ground again, this time facing Cheese. She buried her face in her hooves. "Go away before I make you do it" She said between sobs. Honestly, Cheese was terrified of this Pegasus and did t want to get drop kicked across town by her. So, he left.
A couple minutes later he walked into Sugar cube corner to see Pinkie in the kitchen throwing plates and bowls at the wall. He jumped over dodging plates of death and grabbed Pinkie's hooves. She looked angry at him and then stopped. She tried to muster out words but, didn't have the strength. She sat down on her haunches in the middle of the kitchen. Comforted by her colt friend, she cried. No, sobbed. All cheese could think was: it's a good thing the Cakes aren't here and the store is closed today. For a while, they sat as Cheese told her it's ok. He didn't know why she was so angry though.
After a while of sitting she looked up at him
" I came back because you were taking longer than five minutes" she sniffed " And I..I heard Dashie yelling at you. About stealing me and.... And.." She looked down at the floor clenching her teeth.. Her flat hair stuck to her face from crying for so long.
Cheese stroked her mane and put his chin on her head as she layer her head on his chest. " I don't know what to do..." She said " I can't tell her I don't feel the same way because it would crush her."
The caramel earth pony looked down. He mumbled something Pinkie couldn't hear
"What?" She whispered looking at him.
" It's to late for that.." He says looking back up at Pinkie, smiling.
"Yes she is hurt but, I don't get why she did t tell you earlier"
Pinkie looked into his eyes. Her eyes got bright and she stood up. "I know what I have to do!" She said. She gave Cheesy a quick peck on the cheek and zoomed out the door of Sugar Cub Corner.
"Ok. I will just clean up then?" He said with a heavy sigh. His mare friend knew how to make a mess when she was angry.
Pinkie ran to the park. Finding Dashie in a tree.
"Rainbow Dash!!" She said loudly. Rainbow looked up from her sleepy state and frowned.
"H..hey pinks" She said super quiet. Pinkie climed the tree and sat by Rainbow on her haunches.
"Dashie. Can I ask you something?" She asked with caution. Picking her words carefully. Rainbow looked at her
"Anything" she said
" Why didn't you tell me you like me?" She asked staring at Dash play with her hooves. Rainbow didn't hesitate to answer
"I didn't know when the right time was. You make me feel anxious and giddy and " she paused " oh, I don't know Pinks. Cheese came into the picture and you seemed so happy" her eyes left Pinkies.
Pinkie's heart raced. Nopony ever said she makes them feel like that before. She didn't want to hurt Dashies feelings before seeing if the reject was legit.
"Dashie?"
"Yes Pinkiepie?"
"Why me? " she asked. Rainbow's eyes went shut and she smiled. Pinkie smiled at the fact that Dashie smiled.
" Well you are cool. You make everypony laugh and you do it will ease. You are beautiful and I love being around you. I guess I love you in general. But" she paused " you're with Cheese and I don't want to interfere. " Pinkie could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks. Her. Reaching got heavy. She tried to scoot closer to Dash but lost her balance and slipped.
"Pinkie!" Rainbow jumped into action. To save pinkie from falling onto the rocks below the tree. She caught her just in time. Pinkie's eyes were shut tight but, opened when she felt Rainbows hooves on her waist. Rainbow flapped her wings and carried Pinkie back to the tree. Pinkie insisted on going a bit higher this time.
"Um ok?" Was Dashie's response. She wasn't sure why but her breathing was crazy heavy and her heart throbbed. She gave her wings a last flap and set Pinkie down on the tree. Sitting closer to her this time. Pinkie looked at Dash.
" I don't know if I like her like that though.." Pinkie thought to herself. " There is only one way to find out" Pinkie decided she would put it to the test. This would determine whether she would stay with Cheese or be with Dashie.
"Rainbow Dash?" She asked the Pegasus who was trying not to show that she was blushing. She muffled
"Hmm? What is it Pinmmmf!!" She was interrupted by a pink pair of lips touching hers. Rainbow fell into the kiss and pushed harder. Just to make sure it would last longer. Pinkie had decided. But, she wanted this to last. After a second of still they broke for air. But they pushed their foreheads together. Never losing touch. "So Pinkie?" The cyan mare asked with her eyes closed
I think I might be in love with you" She said with a giggle as her hair poofed back to life. " You said that you didn't want to interfere with cheese and me but... I don't know what to do!" She pulled away from Rainbow Dash and looked at the sunset. Rainbow Dash looked at Pinkie and smiled.
" Well," She said to Pinkie " When you decide, tell me. I'll wait for you." Pinkie looked at her and smiled. Her best friend. The one that was always there for her.. " I should go--" Rainbow started and she flapped her wings.
"Wait" Pinkie said a bit too quickly. " Stay and hold me for a while?" She asked. Rainbow could tell she was having a hard time with this whole thing but, had no problem being with her. She did love her, after all.
" Ok" She said sitting back on the tree. Rainbow dash wrapped her wings around Pinkie while Pinkie had her hooves around Dashie's waist. Together they sat in silence for what seemed like forever..
and then cheese got pissed then killed them both with his party tank THE END!
This could do with being edited to comb out spelling and punctuation errors. Things like "in live with you", "pushe" and "toutch", as well as fragments (unfinished sentences that just cut off, usually missing something that they need to actually make sense, like "wrapping her wing around the earth pony") all tend to distract the reader from the story and distance them, making it difficult to connect with characters and enjoy the story. And, well, you have quite a few of them scattered around.
Your story was enjoyable enough, but it is let down a little by those mistakes and also a general lack of characterisation. Whilst reading it, I didn't really feel like the characters were individuals with their own habits, mannerisms and way of speech - particularly Pinkie, who is a very distinctive character. I'd recommend very carefully considering each line of dialogue (and thought) and seeing what little, tiny ways of rephrasing them make them sound more like something you'd hear from the characters in the show - or deliberately make them sound different, to demonstrate how a particular aspect of a situation is affecting the character. For example, Pinkie's dialogue is surprisingly tangent-free and to the point, which is not very common for Pinkie - we often get the feeling that Pinkie can't really control her outbursts most of the time. If you wanted to use this to show how much Pinkie is affected by the situation, I would advise either including a segment before the situation arose in which Pinkie behaves and speaks in her normal way so that the contrast is clear, or explicitly mention the contrast in a statement that shows someone (maybe even Pinkie herself ) is aware of the change in Pinkie's behaviour.
Overall, not a bad start, but this has got quite a long way to go. Your story is well-paced and flows smoothly, although I would suggesting slowing it down a little in the middle by having Rainbow put up a little resistance to Pinkie's questioning (it'd be a little more in character, not to mention varying pace works wonders in writing).
This was not a bad story. However, all the issues here have already been pointed out by Quill Scratch, in terms of continuity and especially grammar.
All in all, I enjoyed your story, which I can tell that you put effort into it. And I also liked that it didn't drag. For future stories, and maybe even this one, might I suggest finding an editor to help with grammar and continuity issues.
It could of been set up better gramatically and plot-wise, but a decent story.
I like the premise. The idea of Rainbow Dash and Cheese Sandwich both vying for Pinkie's love is definitely interesting. I'm not really a big fan of any Mane Six pairings, because it alters the friendship dynamic, but I have nothing against them.
That said, I thought this could use a lot of revision. As everyone else has mentioned, the grammar needs a lot of work and there are some major typos. It also felt kind of forced, garbled, and a bit too short in general.
The turnaround for Pinkie's feelings are really fast too. Did Pinkie feel any affection for Cheese at all or was she simply settling for whatever came her way? I'm cool with either, but it would be nice to know. Admittedly it makes Pinkie look rather cruel if she was just leading him on, but love is messy and confusing at times. Plus, Pinkie has certainly made some cruel, thoughtless mistakes in the show, so I can accept that, though I don't personally prefer it.
Also, the logic sort of confounds me, even though from a technical aspect it helps reduce repetition. Just telling Pinkie that he was leaving while she looks like she's about to cry, with no other explanation, is weird. Why wouldn't Cheese ask Pinkie first and then talk to Rainbow Dash? Or at least try to help her cheer up Dash, since they're both Party Ponies? And I can see Cheese being worried about getting kicked, don't get me wrong, but I have to imagine that he'd be more persistent than this at trying to soothe both Pinkie and Dash, even if he didn't end up with better results. He's just as stubborn as they are, more or less.
I can see this being done well as a short story with tight pacing, but this wasn't quite the way to do it, in my opinion. To be truthful, I felt it was unnecessarily over-dramatic. I also would have preferred a more thoughtful approach where Pinkie muddles through her thoughts a little more before committing to anything. Not necessarily during the kiss. I mean earlier on, at the beginning. It would give her change of heart more impact, I think.
Of course I also feel bad for Cheese. I really like him and he's getting the short end of the stick here. It would have been nice to at least give him some enjoyable scenes with Pinkie Pie before all the crap hits the fan.
Calm down everypony!!! There is gonna be a sequel talking about what Cheese did after Pinkie told him. Yes she felt a feeling for him but, realized her heart was with Dashie
4065511
I am calm.
Only one person wasn't calm and they might have been joking.
That's nice, and a good idea, but that doesn't address the constructive criticism in the comments. Just in case you thought it did.
To be honest, I would say that works better as a second chapter than a whole other story, for that matter. At least in my opinion. I think it serves as a better resolution than the one the story has currently ended on, if only because we need more time for Pinkie to wrap up and move onto the changes in her life.
Then add some stronger hints of that to the story, where it should be in the first place. It wouldn't require much; maybe just a sentence or two. Whatever feels appropriate.
U should make a sequel where it's like a love triangle and Pinks has to choose inbetween Cheese or Dash (as u can tell I've read Twilight and Hunger Games so I love love tringles)
I was so happy to see another story added to CheesePie club and then I started to read and saw PinkieDash hint... Sorry but after that I quit!
Yes yes. You people are crazy!! Ok you pick. Next chapter or other Story??
Why do you keep saying Cheese Sand instead of Cheese Sandwich?
4062202 LOL!