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Cassius

Joined October 2011
82 followers

"If you've never had Cassius review your story...think carefully because it is a haunting experience that will scar you for life."

-Cold in Gardez

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  • A Game of Twits
    Fluttershy and Twilight enter a chess tournament to pay off a debt

    7,699 words · 5,170 views · 168 likes · 8 dislikes

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After a mishap at a local cafe leaves Twilight and Fluttershy heavily in debt, the two decide to enter a tournament in order to pay it off. However, they aren't the only grandmistresses planning on winning it big—do they stand a chance against The Black Queen?

First Published
24th Mar 2012
Last Modified
24th Mar 2012

Comments ( 53 )

#1 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

Zomg, Cassius actually posted something. Awesome. :yay:

#2 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

>>361992

Who would've guessed that?

#3 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

Excellent work sir, Some word repetition issues here and there, but other than that it was exceptional! Keep up the good work. :yay::twilightsmile:

#5 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

Very nice. Loved the chess descriptions. although for some reason I had the feeling that it was Luna even with the "kid Celestia"/Fleur de Lis description of the Black Queen.  Even still, an outstanding fic.

#6 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

I like it. Well written. Geez, now I need to go out and find a fiction that is literally about a game of chess... what you did to show how the game progressed was great...

#7 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

Twilight + Chess.  Two of my favorites.  I read this story with high expectations and was not disappointed.  Also Luna is now much more awesome in my eyes.

Now we need a story about the adventures of homeless twilight and fluttershy.

#8 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

Great job, man. I always love these unique one-shots that pop-up every now and then. The part with the schoolkids on the chessboard was delightfully cartoony--I just gotta put that out there, since that was just so legitimately imaginative :rainbowwild: Twilight and Fluttershy are an adorable pair here. The chess parts were cool too, even though a lot of the terminology went over my head :derpyderp2:. Do you play a lot of chess, or did you have to really research those terms?

#9 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

>>362121

I try to get rid of those repetitions, but I'm terrible at spotting them. Could you do me a solid and point them out for me?

>>362451

Luna still speaks like Luna despite having the disguise. The description was put there just to throw you off for a moment, I'm fairly certain most readers would notice all the odd similarities and archaic speech patterns. Glad you liked it.

>>362504

>>362529

Happy to hear that my story appealed to my target audience! My basic idea was an attempt to make chess seem interesting to both the frequent player and those unfamiliar with the game.

#10 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

>>362396

What have I told you about posting only pictures?

>>362570

>Do you play a lot of chess, or did you have to really research those terms?

I played chess competitively for around five years, and you see all types of folks. Some of the character interactions are based off my experiences in the chess world, which is surprisingly cut-throat.

#11 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

ZOMG I cant read it now but Thumbs up anyway!!!!!!!11111

Just kidding; I know you've got too much class to be flattered by that.  I was gonna sit down with dinner and a beer while watching the new ep.  There has been a change of plans.


#12 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

>>362636

Don't treat it anything special just because it's me.

#13 · 125w, 6d ago · · ·

>>362576

You succeeded in making me want to pull out a chess board again.  I used to play in tournaments for a few years, myself, so I completely relate.

The surreal moment as you approach your table to meet an opponent you dread, the emotions that have to be bottled up when the game isn't going your way, the final desperate look around the board before you tip the king, and then there's the break room, where you quietly anticipate the next pairing and repeat the cycle a few more times.

Oh, and there's en passant.  You don't forget about the times you use that move on someone and need an official to convince your opponent it is valid.

So, yes.  Thank you for providing me with a nerd experience - as well as portraying Twilight correctly.

Twilight Sparkle> Knight to B7.  garde! :twilightangry2:

#14 · 125w, 5d ago · · ·

>>362660

See, I knew you'd say that.  The only special treatment you're getting is priority.

It's okay.  Twi's very nicely in character, and while your Flutterfreakouts aren't exactly how I'd play them - I'd go a bit more "goffik" - they're certainly within the range of reason.  Really, the biggest weakness is that when you reach the climax, I have to think too much about how tournaments are run to understand what Twilight is talking about.  It's like she needs diagrams or something.

Good call not presenting the games in detail.  I don't think too many readers would have the patience to read that.  Maybe they could be presented with a little more of those metaphoric scenes - I like the little bit you did, and it's certainly not too much.

Also, I almost hate to say it, but I found a comma splice without even looking for it.  The good news is I got caught up in the rest of the story so much that I forgot where it is.  Sorry!

Altogether, a pleasant waste of time.  I don't regret making canon bestpony wait, so consider that a feather in your cap.

#15 · 125w, 5d ago · · ·

BRILLIANT!!!

#16 · 125w, 5d ago · · ·

Who's Fluttershy?

#17 · 125w, 5d ago · · ·

I enjoyed it! Simple, balanced, well-paced storytelling.

#18 · 125w, 5d ago · · ·

I never thought a story about chess could be so entertaining. :rainbowderp:

#19 · 125w, 5d ago · · ·

Called it was Luna. Anyway, this was an enjoyable read.:pinkiehappy:

#20 · 125w, 5d ago · · ·

Simple, enjoyable, predictable but not bad by any means, and it got a few laughs out of me. Good work.

#21 · 125w, 5d ago · · ·

>>365475

>>366376

My main goal was attempting an episodic feel, predictability being an inherent trait of such. Of course, if you want the real answer, this story was written in about sixteen hours for a contest (in which it won third place), and the predictability factor is more due to writing without an outline rather than artistic intent, but I rather like how even the predictability remains consistent with the source material. It's one of those things that doesn't really bug me too much as a reader (mainly because I know how a story progresses nine times out of ten anyways), but really can get under other people's skin. Good to hear you liked it, although I don't know how this is still getting views and comments since it's been off the front page for quite a while now.

#22 · 125w, 4d ago · · ·

>>366464

EqD'll fix that!  :pinkiehappy:

#23 · 125w, 4d ago · · ·

>>366464

As for predictability...

Hell, Luna being a chess player is canon to me; In Her Majesty's Royal Service did that to me.

#24 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

>>366464

I was gonna say, if this one didn't at least place in that contest, there's no justice in the world.

#25 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

Hmm.... Not bad, but...

It still really bugs me that Luna was toying with Fluttershy. I mean, out of all the ponies... Fluttershy. And she never explains why....

#26 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

Hmm. The lack of somepony using one of the more risky gambits saddens me. But, that's really just the fact that I play gambits more myself. Also, the focus on them starting with white was interesting, but black does tend to play slowly, so that wouldn't make a great story.

#27 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

Is the illegal check thing that the Black Queen pulled a valid use of the rule? Not a big chess aficionado, but that seems up there on the dickery scale with spending all of your timeouts in College Football to ice a kicker over and over again. :ajbemused:

#28 · 125w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

Hmm... no. Sorry, this one didn't do it for me. While the tournament itself was fun to read, the events leading up to it felt contrived, and the ending felt fairly rushed and unsatisfying. Characters seemed to be mean for no reason; Twilight's freakouts stop being funny when she makes fillies cry, and being a princess is no excuse for Luna being a poor sport. It's not bad, but there are enough problems with it that I couldn't really get into it.

#29 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

>>371902

>>372175

>>372206

In reference to Luna: there was a scene that pretty much explained the situation, but it got cut in revisions for generally contributing nothing to what (I thought) was obviously poor judgement of intent. While I don't exactly agree that the characters were acting mean without reason, Nonagon, I can see where your coming from.

>>372206

>Twilight's freakouts stop being funny when she makes fillies cry

I see you don't like my shot at absurdity. Such is life.

#30 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

I really enjoyed this story :twilightsmile:.  I love it when I see fanfics with relatively rare or unique, but by no means bizarre, concepts.  I thought Twilight was really in character but Fluttershy could have used a little work to make her a little bit more in character in my opinion.  Didn't notice any real errors throughout my read but there could very well have been some comma splicing but I am by no means the best judge of that.  Best of all this fic really makes me want to play chess again :pinkiehappy:.

#31 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

tracked so I can read it tomorrow

#32 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

This felt a bit like a Merriwether Williams episode. I see the negative aspects of Twi and Shy's personalities played to extremes.:ajsmug:

#33 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

Well played, though as others have noted, Twilight and Fluttershy seemed to be taken a little OOC.

A nice touch of having Fluttershy being better at chess than Twilight though.

#34 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

Saw it on EQD. :pinkiegasp: Came and read it of course. :pinkiecrazy: Was not dissapointed. :pinkiehappy:

I suck at chess but it's right down my alley of nerdom so I was not alienated in that regard. Fluttershy's crazy imagination is so funny!  :yay:

#35 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

I would tell Luna off, for such mean tricks.

#36 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

Hah! Funny how she goes crazy and pretends the pieces are real after reading a book on every possible move:rainbowwild:

#37 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

That was pretty fun! Poor Big Mac, though. :fluttershysad:

Now to read Happily Ever After... again..

#38 · 125w, 3d ago · · ·

>>362451 when I read the description of the black queen I was like "No. you're going to be Luna in my head"

#39 · 125w, 2d ago · · ·

*Furious clapping* Totally awesome!:derpytongue2: I freely admit that i've never taken to chess despite repeated attempts by others to get me into it and this fic was terrific! Very cute and silly and still appealing to a neophyte like me.

#40 · 125w, 2d ago · · ·

Nicely done. From the beginning I had the feeling it was Luna. You had me fooled once with the alabaster mask or whatever it was, though.

For some odd reason it reminded me of "Shion no Ou" anime. :rainbowlaugh: Well, it was centered on shogi whereas your story is on chess. :raritywink: The anime also features some mystery-and-murder plot, but there is a heroine getting strong with each episode too. :pinkiehappy: Just like Fluttershy, if for a totally different reason. :rainbowlaugh:

#41 · 125w, 2d ago · · ·

That was rather good; well done!

#42 · 125w, 1d ago · · ·

This feels like it could be an actual episode.

Maybe not the 500 bit tab part, but just an episode about chess and stuff.

#43 · 124w, 5d ago · · ·

Luna is SUCH a Prankster. :pinkiehappy:

#44 · 124w, 3d ago · · ·

I really liked this fic. Not only did the chess environment bring out, in a sense, the worst of Twilight and Fluttershy but also desperation which kept me that much more immersed in the story.

I do have to admit though that I originally though Luna would be the Black Queen. It just seemed so obvious. But I didn't consider magic when she revealed herself so I thought she wasn't. I should have trusted my gut.:twilightangry2:

#45 · 123w, 8h ago · · ·

Oh, Luna, you so silly.

This was quite a good read!  I enjoyed it very much.  You really captured the feeling of the canon episodes.  Well done! :D

#46 · 122w, 5d ago · · ·

That was delightful.

#47 · 122w, 3d ago · · ·

Great story. However, in the few chess tournaments i have been to, the bye is given to players scoring the lowest points, and both Fluttershy and Twilight wouldn't have gotten the byes. just wanted to point that out :P

#48 · 122w, 3d ago · · ·

>>464612

Depends on what system the tournament director is using to give out byes; it won't usually go to the player with the most points, but that does not mean a frontrunner can't get a bye, or the the last place will receive a bye. Also, due to the nature of not having described the "why" behind getting a bye, it is possible that neither of their opponents were able to show if we're being extremely technical about it.

#49 · 122w, 22h ago · · ·

Not bad. I enjoyed most of the story, but I found the ending a bit unsatisfying. Still, not bad. :)

#50 · 117w, 2d ago · · ·

Hello there.

I hope you don't mind, but I gave your story here a review. You can find it here: http://supremestfanfictionreviews.blogspot.com/2012/05/review-game-of-twits.html

If you have any questions or comments, I will gladly answer them.

Have a wonderful day!

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