52
4,363
After a mishap at a local cafe leaves Twilight and Fluttershy heavily in debt, the two decide to enter a tournament in order to pay it off. However, they aren't the only grandmistresses planning on winning it big—do they stand a chance against The Black Queen?
Great job, man. I always love these unique one-shots that pop-up every now and then. The part with the schoolkids on the chessboard was delightfully cartoony--I just gotta put that out there, since that was just so legitimately imaginative 
Twilight and Fluttershy are an adorable pair here. The chess parts were cool too, even though a lot of the terminology went over my head 
. Do you play a lot of chess, or did you have to really research those terms?
I try to get rid of those repetitions, but I'm terrible at spotting them. Could you do me a solid and point them out for me?
Luna still speaks like Luna despite having the disguise. The description was put there just to throw you off for a moment, I'm fairly certain most readers would notice all the odd similarities and archaic speech patterns. Glad you liked it.
Happy to hear that my story appealed to my target audience! My basic idea was an attempt to make chess seem interesting to both the frequent player and those unfamiliar with the game.
What have I told you about posting only pictures?
>Do you play a lot of chess, or did you have to really research those terms?
I played chess competitively for around five years, and you see all types of folks. Some of the character interactions are based off my experiences in the chess world, which is surprisingly cut-throat.
You succeeded in making me want to pull out a chess board again. I used to play in tournaments for a few years, myself, so I completely relate.
The surreal moment as you approach your table to meet an opponent you dread, the emotions that have to be bottled up when the game isn't going your way, the final desperate look around the board before you tip the king, and then there's the break room, where you quietly anticipate the next pairing and repeat the cycle a few more times.
Oh, and there's en passant. You don't forget about the times you use that move on someone and need an official to convince your opponent it is valid.
So, yes. Thank you for providing me with a nerd experience - as well as portraying Twilight correctly.
Twilight Sparkle> Knight to B7. garde! 
See, I knew you'd say that. The only special treatment you're getting is priority.
It's okay. Twi's very nicely in character, and while your Flutterfreakouts aren't exactly how I'd play them - I'd go a bit more "goffik" - they're certainly within the range of reason. Really, the biggest weakness is that when you reach the climax, I have to think too much about how tournaments are run to understand what Twilight is talking about. It's like she needs diagrams or something.
Good call not presenting the games in detail. I don't think too many readers would have the patience to read that. Maybe they could be presented with a little more of those metaphoric scenes - I like the little bit you did, and it's certainly not too much.
Also, I almost hate to say it, but I found a comma splice without even looking for it. The good news is I got caught up in the rest of the story so much that I forgot where it is. Sorry!
Altogether, a pleasant waste of time. I don't regret making canon bestpony wait, so consider that a feather in your cap.
My main goal was attempting an episodic feel, predictability being an inherent trait of such. Of course, if you want the real answer, this story was written in about sixteen hours for a contest (in which it won third place), and the predictability factor is more due to writing without an outline rather than artistic intent, but I rather like how even the predictability remains consistent with the source material. It's one of those things that doesn't really bug me too much as a reader (mainly because I know how a story progresses nine times out of ten anyways), but really can get under other people's skin. Good to hear you liked it, although I don't know how this is still getting views and comments since it's been off the front page for quite a while now.
Hmm. The lack of somepony using one of the more risky gambits saddens me. But, that's really just the fact that I play gambits more myself. Also, the focus on them starting with white was interesting, but black does tend to play slowly, so that wouldn't make a great story.
Hmm... no. Sorry, this one didn't do it for me. While the tournament itself was fun to read, the events leading up to it felt contrived, and the ending felt fairly rushed and unsatisfying. Characters seemed to be mean for no reason; Twilight's freakouts stop being funny when she makes fillies cry, and being a princess is no excuse for Luna being a poor sport. It's not bad, but there are enough problems with it that I couldn't really get into it.
In reference to Luna: there was a scene that pretty much explained the situation, but it got cut in revisions for generally contributing nothing to what (I thought) was obviously poor judgement of intent. While I don't exactly agree that the characters were acting mean without reason, Nonagon, I can see where your coming from.
>Twilight's freakouts stop being funny when she makes fillies cry
I see you don't like my shot at absurdity. Such is life.
I really enjoyed this story 
. I love it when I see fanfics with relatively rare or unique, but by no means bizarre, concepts. I thought Twilight was really in character but Fluttershy could have used a little work to make her a little bit more in character in my opinion. Didn't notice any real errors throughout my read but there could very well have been some comma splicing but I am by no means the best judge of that. Best of all this fic really makes me want to play chess again 
.
Nicely done. From the beginning I had the feeling it was Luna. You had me fooled once with the alabaster mask or whatever it was, though.
For some odd reason it reminded me of "Shion no Ou" anime. 
Well, it was centered on shogi whereas your story is on chess. 
The anime also features some mystery-and-murder plot, but there is a heroine getting strong with each episode too. Just like Fluttershy, if for a totally different reason.
I really liked this fic. Not only did the chess environment bring out, in a sense, the worst of Twilight and Fluttershy but also desperation which kept me that much more immersed in the story.
I do have to admit though that I originally though Luna would be the Black Queen. It just seemed so obvious. But I didn't consider magic when she revealed herself so I thought she wasn't. I should have trusted my gut.
Depends on what system the tournament director is using to give out byes; it won't usually go to the player with the most points, but that does not mean a frontrunner can't get a bye, or the the last place will receive a bye. Also, due to the nature of not having described the "why" behind getting a bye, it is possible that neither of their opponents were able to show if we're being extremely technical about it.
Being a reviewer, although not FIMfiction or blogger-based, I appreciate the time and consideration.
Aside from the tragic misuse of the term Deus Ex Machina (a solution by an unexpected and contrived means, for example, a meteorite destroying the cafe so they don't have to pay the bill [Luna's character appearance is anything but unexpected, most people being able to see that resolution a mile away]), I generally enjoyed the review. There's some issues I have with some of your interpretation of canon characters, but I don't particularly mind because the character's inner-personalities are largely speculative so long as they remain within the scope of their exterior character.
In regards to character description, there is absolutely no reason to be using pseudo-flowery phrases such as "the lavender unicorn" "the cyan pegasus" or assorted constructions over pronouns because the audience not only knows what the character looks like, but it also is a generic attempt at avoiding good writing by using pronouns. We in the /fic/ review business like to call this "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome" a disease in writing we hope to eventually cure. You would not describe a carrot as an orange vegetable (e.g. "the orange vegetable clamped in the lavender unicorn's mouth). Moreover, you will find that in professional fiction, or rather, the fiction of great authors, character description is often forgone because it ultimately isn't relevant to the story (see: Yossarian in Catch-22, Holden Caufield in Catcher in the Rye, Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird, etc). This is because the general appearance of the character rarely affects the outcome of the story, and any ground gained by its inclusion is merely sentimental based on the reader.
Anyways, thanks for the review.
Too many individual things to say about this, so I wrote them all as comments in this doc.
Ignore the scene break comments. They didn't transfer when I copied into google.
First off, I have to praise your character portrayal. Twilight's bookishness, Fluttershy's worrying... even the CMC dialog was all amazing. At least, most of the time. There were some cringe-worthy lines in there, but for the most part, it was all fantastic. 
Unfortunately, the twist ending was apparent from the moment Fluttershy saw the poster. I liked the build up, but the pay off was a bit disappointing. The fact that Pinkie Pie was there didn't help things at all. For one, I felt she was by far the weakest character portrayal, and second, her antics and dialog added nothing to the scene. If anything, they detracted from it.
Chess board descriptions are incredibly difficult to pull off, and I feel your attempts were only so-so. If anything, I found myself skipping a lot of the details, and was starting to wonder why they were even in there to begin with. The question as to whether the pieces moved by themselves or by hoof just added to the confusion.
I think the comma problem I kept mentioning in the comments is more personal preference than a real problem. The same goes for the dialog tags at the end. I'm one of those people that likes to hear the character's voice as I read the dialog, and it makes it so much easier to do that if I know who is speaking ahead of time. It would have made the dialog that much more enjoyable to read.
On a plot point, I have to say the reason it cost 500 bits was very confusing as well. Was that all for the table, or did that also include all the meals they had? Also, the "I can't ask Celestia for money" is a bit of a silly thing to hear, considering that Celestia would probably not want to see her student go bankrupt. Besides, Celestia would know how to keep these things quiet.
All that reviewing... I'm surprised to see this as the only thing you've posted. Where are you hiding all the others? 
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
1
1
0
Joined October 2011
4,363 ( 4,363 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
Image: http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g215/cooldude_675/BRILLIANT.jpg
Came and read it of course. 
Was not dissapointed. 
I freely admit that i've never taken to chess despite repeated attempts by others to get me into it and this fic was terrific! Very cute and silly and still appealing to a neophyte like me.
Cancel
Send