"What"?! Twilight yelled holding a fresh letter she had just gotten from spike Rainbow dash flew over
"What's wrong twilight? "Rainbow dash asked as Twilight grabbed a book that read family trees. Rainbow dash had wondered why Twilight had grabbed that book from her bookcase but she wasn't worried about that right now all she cared about was why Twilight seemed so surprised. Twilight flipped though the pages of the book saying to herself.
"Sparkle tree, Sparkle tree, Sparkle tree! ohh" Twilight sounded really concerned to find her family tree ,but it didn't make any sense why would Twilight care so much about her family now? Rainbow dash read the letter out loud.
"Dear Twilight you might not now this but ever since you where born your mom has been keeping a secret from you and the secret is...that you have a twin sister named...Stardust." Rainbow dash looked at Twilight realizing why Twilight was in so much shock she had almost said the same thing to herself. Twilight looked at Rainbow dash about to answer it for her but she had already answered her own question for Twilight.
"I'm looking in this book to find my family tree, I need to find Stardust in the tree." Twilight said still flipping though the pages Rainbow looked at Twilight who had just read her mind "I may seemed worried but I'm really looking forward to meeting stardust" Twilight said pacing in a circle Rainbow looked at her.
"Don't worry Twilight I was pretty mad when I found out that I was a triplet." Rainbow said lifting herself off the ground.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!" Twilight yelled walking forwards.
"Ah nothing "Rainbow dash shrieked
"Yeah sure nothing." Twilight rolled her eyes ''Anyways I think your right Rainbow I am pretty mad that that I never found about stardust , but I can't wait to meet her, I have a plan for when stardust comes when she comes I'll welcome her and let her live here with me plus I'll give her a tour of ponyville!'' Twilight said as she put her book away.
''Sounds like a great plan!'' Rainbow dash said flying around Twilight.
Oh, the grammar! Okaaaaaay, time to critique!
1. You need an editor, as the entire chapter is one big grammar error.
2. The chapter is SUPER short! Try to add more detail to make it longer!
3. Yeah, that was pretty rushed. Like I said before, detail please!
It's a nice idea, but with everything I said above..... well, in short, your story needs some work! Try and find an editor, and perhaps a proofreader!
yes you should really make the chapter much longer, i would like around 2,000 words.
Some sentences doesn´t sound right, like the first one with Rainbow Dash flew over.
i don´t really tried, but i guess you would have to add something like that, or just get an editor that really knows his english grammar.
I somehow hope that Stardust (that was her name right?), isn´t as easy to understand as she wants to believe it, maybe she could act like Maud, just different enough to let her make a false verdict.