"Do you have your homework?"
"Yes."
"Your lunch?"
"Yes."
"Pencils, paper, books?" Octavia's eye twinkled in amusement.
Scootaloo sighed and rolled her eyes. "Yes, mom. Oh, hey," she said, suddenly remembering something. "Apple Bloom wanted to have a Crusader sleepover tonight."
"Is that so?" her mother asked, smiling. "What are you going to try to get your cutie marks in this time?"
Scootaloo shrugged as if she hadn't really thought about it. "I think we're gonna try mime, juggling, architecture, staring contests, knife throwing, and mane styling."
Octavia ignored the second to last item, knowing Scootaloo was intentionally needling her. "I thought you already tried to get your mane styling cutie mark."
"Well, sort of. We really only got to try dyeing before Miss Rarity made us stop. Something about turning her clients into a freakshow." She shrugged. "Anyway, we're just gonna practice on ourselves this time."
Octavia spent a moment contemplating whether it was worth the inevitable protracted argument to try and discourage Scootaloo from cutting her or her friends' manes. She decided that if the sleepover went as they usually did, the trio would get through their first three options before running out of steam and settling down to watch movies until they fell asleep. She'd watched this precise scenario play out a dozen times in her own living room. "Alright then. Where were you going to have it?"
"Well..." The filly's hesitation could mean only one thing, and Octavia knew what she was going to say before she did. Even so, she patiently waited for Scootaloo to finish, smiling faintly to herself. "We were going to do it at the Apples', but Applejack said she didn't want us crashing around in Apple Bloom's bedroom while she was trying to sleep, especially in the middle of harvest season. And Sweetie Belle said that Rarity still hasn't gotten over what we did to her clothes horse...soooo..." She grinned hopefully up at her adopted mother, who rolled her eyes and smiled.
"Oh, very well. You know the rules, though. Homework first, then Crusading, and lights out at nine."
"Ten?" the little filly asked hopefully, as she often did.
"Nine." Octavia repeated, unmoved.
The little pegasus scowled at the ground. "You're no fun. I shoulda asked Mama Vy."
The earth pony chuckled softly and mussed her daughter's mane with a hoof. "Yes, well, next time, perhaps." Suddenly, the unmistakeable sound of an old-fashioned school bell cut through the conversation, and both ponies glanced over to see Miss Cheerilee standing in front of the schoolhouse with the bell in her mouth, ringing it vigorously with short nods of her head that sent her billowing pink curls bouncing wildly around her face. The school teacher's face shone with the quiet contentment of preparing to begin another day doing what she was born to do, and her enthusiasm was infectious, even for young ponies who might otherwise have dreaded the prospect of spending another day stuck indoors, studying.
Scootaloo was one such young pony, and Octavia knew that if it weren't for Miss Cheerilee's unique ability to inspire young minds, the restless little pegasus might not have bothered with school at all. As it was, she immediately turned and started trotting towards the school, pausing only to cast a hurried, "Bye, Mama Tavi!" over her shoulder as she burst into a run, meeting Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle halfway across the front lawn and running with them the rest of the way to the door.
"Have a good day!" Octavia managed to yell back before Scootaloo got too far away to hear her, and she smiled as she settled back onto her haunches, watching as the class slowly collected in front of their teacher. As usual, Snips, Snails, and Diamond Tiara were the last to join the group. The magenta earth pony cast an appraising glance over the collected children before nodding in satisfaction and stepping aside to allow them to file into the schoolhouse. As they passed, she lazily peered about the schoolyard, her face breaking into a smile when she saw Octavia standing by the road. She waved enthusiastically, as she did most days, and Octavia returned the wave. This time, however, the schoolteacher left her post by the entrance and trotted over to the other mare, beaming the whole way.
"Good morning, Octavia! How are you today?"
The grey mare smiled back. "Doing well, Miss Cheerilee. And yourself?"
"I do what I love and it never gets boring. I suppose I couldn't ask for much more." She paused for a brief instant before grinning widely. "Sooo...it's been a few months, right?"
"Three months exactly as of tomorrow, yes," Octavia said.
"Well, how's life with a foal treating you and Vinyl?"
Octavia smirked, shaking her head in mock exasperation. "At once much better and much worse than either of us could ever have imagined. The only constant is that we never know what to expect, and we're always playing catch-up." Her expression softened as she glanced over Cheerilee's shoulder and watched Scootaloo chatting animatedly with her friends as they followed their classmates into the school. "And that neither of us would have it any other way."
Cheerilee smiled warmly. "I'm glad to hear that. The difference in Scootaloo is remarkable. I used to look forward to the days when she would come to school well-groomed, well-fed, and alert. Now, I don't even remember what it looked like when she wasn't. It's wonderful." She beamed at Octavia with a faint sheen in her eyes. "Thank you...for taking her in."
Octavia blushed lightly. "Oh, it was nothing, really. I mean...we couldn't have done otherwise, I don't think."
"Even so," Cheerilee shook her head. "Anyway, I just wanted to check and make sure everything's going well, and ask if you needed any help or advice or anything. I don't have any of my own foals, but I know they can be...difficult. If there's anything I can do--"
"We'll let you know," Octavia interrupted her with a grin. "Nothing's changed since the last time you asked."
Cheerilee smiled sheepishly. "Well, I just want to make sure you know."
"We know. We appreciate it."
The earth pony nodded. "Alright. Well, the school day won't start until I show up, so I guess I'd better get inside. Tell Vinyl I said 'hi'!" she said as she turned and trotted back to the schoolhouse.
"I will," Octavia said, waving at the retreating magenta mare before turning and starting back up the road into town, already going over her mental checklist of a dozen or so errands she had to do today. She had to stop by the market and pick up a few items that they seemed to go through with remarkable speed these days, swing by the library and drop off a couple of books that Scootaloo had let get a few days overdue...again, she needed to hunt down Rainbow Dash and return her book - "Flightless, Fearless - Famous flightless Pegasi and their triumph over adversity", she had to make sure she got to the post office before they closed so Scootaloo's letter to Bumble would get to him on time...
Octavia sighed shallowly. Despite multiple warnings that raising a foal was harder than anyone could expect or explain, she and Vinyl had been shocked at just how much harder it turned out to be. The sheer amount of additional chores, bits, and time necessary to do a halfway decent job was astounding, and had been something of a wake-up call. The first week had been the hardest; coming from a leisurely, placid, generally simple life only to be immediately thrown into the harried, expensive, frustrating world of motherhood had stressed both mares almost beyond tolerance, and there had been more than one tearful, hushed row between the two, arguing as quietly as possible across the bedroom, hoping against hope that Scootaloo couldn't hear them fretting about problems that she had--through no fault of her own--been the root cause of. It had been a long few weeks.
Eventually, however, the arguments had become less frequent and less vehement as the two had learned to take some things in stride, and to work around others. Then one night they had discovered Scootaloo crying quietly behind the couch in the living room, and after some coaxing they had convinced her to reveal that the little filly had heard enough of their arguments to determine that her new parents were fighting about her. Crushed, she had retreated to her makeshift bedroom and had been planning to ask Bumble to come and retrieve her. "I-I don't want you t-to fight over me..." she had hiccuped quietly, looking at her hooves as she sat between her mothers. "I'd rather l-live at the h-home than m-make you hate each other."
The two mares had looked at each other, horrified and heartbroken, before immediately and simultaneously diving forward to crush the little pegasus in a tight hug. "Oh, Scootaloo, we don't hate each other!" Octavia had exclaimed, tears springing to her eyes.
"Yeah," Vinyl added in a shaky voice, holding their daughter close. "And we're not fighting over you, you silly filly. We're fighting because, well..." she grinned over Scootaloo's wild magenta mane at her marefriend, "that's just how we communicate." She nuzzled the little pegasus fondly. "It's not your fault, and it never will be. Promise."
Scootaloo smiled tentatively, sniffing. "Really?"
Octavia nodded. "Sweetie, Vinyl and I fight a lot. It's just part of our relationship. We're not mad at each other or at you, we're just...well, we just clash sometimes. But that's half the fun of being together," she smiled, her eyes glistening as she glanced at the wild, immature, ridiculous, and utterly irresistible mare hugging their daughter with her. "It's never boring." She looked back down at Scootaloo. "But if it bothers you, we'll try not to. At least not when you're around, alright?"
Scootaloo looked up at her, still blinking away tears. "But...if it's fun, I don't want you to stop."
Octavia giggled. "Well, perhaps fun wasn't the right word. Anyway, it's not worth upsetting you."
"Tell you what," Vinyl suddenly interjected with a grin. "How about we keep fighting--'cuz we're going to anyway," she smirked and winked at her marefriend, who blushed faintly, "but you let us know if it's really upsetting you, okay? Any time you want, if we're making you nervous or scared or sad, you just barge into the room and tell us to cut it out, alright?"
Scootaloo giggled. "Alright."
Octavia nodded her agreement. "That sounds like a good plan. We'll try to be quiet and not fight when you're home, but if we forget, you just let us know, and we'll stop. No argument is more important than you are, understand?"
The filly smiled and snuggled against both of her mothers. "Yeah. I understand."
And that had more or less ended the arguments, at least the ones about Scootaloo. It turned out most of the arguments that had involved her had been about other things anyway, and somehow one or the other of them had always managed to make it about their new daughter. With a good reason to avoid bringing her into their normal regimen of ridiculous, unimportant, often childish arguments, they hadn't. Instead, they discussed her quietly, civilly, and pleasantly. Then, fifteen minutes later they would be standing on opposite sides of the living room, yelling about whether Draft Punk was more integral to the musical arts than Beethoofen, usually while Scootaloo sat quietly on the sofa between them, smiling faintly as she did her math homework, occasionally interrupting the shouting match to ask a question, which one or the other mare would calmly answer before picking the argument back up where they'd left it.
It had happened quickly, smoothly, and almost imperceptibly. Octavia and Vinyl had, in the space of a quarter of a year, gone from a comfortable, formulaic life as a childless couple to a frenetic, exasperating, infinitely rewarding life as parents to a filly whom they were swiftly discovering had been the missing piece they hadn't realized they'd been lacking. The rest of the town was slowly coming to discover that Scootaloo was much more than she had once appeared to be. Where she had originally been a seen as nothing more than a nuisance, or even a threat, ponies were beginning to see that there was much more to the rambunctious little filly than anyone had taken the opportunity to discover.
As Octavia made her way back into the town square, her eyes fell upon the facade of Sugar Cube Corner. She frowned shallowly. One pony who still seemed unfazed by Scootaloo's new status as a properly-parented filly was Carrot Cake. The yellow stallion had made no further attempts to contact the new family, for good or ill, and Octavia and Vinyl had eventually decided that that was for the best. Still, Octavia mused quietly to herself, it was a shame, and somewhat odd that the Cakes as a family seemed to be going out of their way to avoid Scootaloo, even now that she actually had the family, and the discipline, that Mr. Cake had been attempting to force her into in the first place. Mrs. Cake was no better, for while she displayed no overt dislike of the filly, she was by no means friendly to her. At best, she simply followed her husband's lead and treated her like a stranger whenever she came into the bakery.
But it didn't matter. Not really. Octavia smiled as she walked through town, waving, nodding, and occasionally greeting one new friend after another. Scootaloo's story had spread like wildfire through the small population of the village, and within days everypony knew who she and Vinyl were. Despite living on the outskirts of town and being relatively new additions to the community, being the inadvertent heroines in Scootaloo's now well-known tragic story had propelled them into the inner circle of Ponyville's oldest and closest friends, most notably the famous Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, most of whom Octavia was surprised to realize they already knew.
She had already met Rarity and Applejack, of course, and Vinyl had been friends with Rainbow Dash for years. Pinkie somehow knew them both--despite having never met Octavia between their arrival in Ponyville and the inevitable "Congratulations on Being Adopted!" party she had thrown for Scootaloo--and Vinyl had eventually--sheepishly--revealed the catastrophe that had catalyzed the entire adoption process. Octavia had had to contemplate for several hours on whether to beat Vinyl to death or simply within an inch of her life (contemplation that had occurred while she sat outside of the locked bathroom door, ignoring Vinyl's pleas for clemency from inside). Eventually, she decided that since it had resulted in Scootaloo joining their dysfunctional little family, Vinyl's lapse in good judgment could be forgiven, and she had released the hapless mare from the bathroom. Of course, she had then discovered that Vinyl had used the time during her imprisonment to make small sculptures out of wet toilet paper all over the previously spotless floor, and the cycle had started again.
Eventually, they were introduced to Fluttershy (much to the Pegasus' apparent horror), and Twilight Sparkle, a mare of unparalleled intelligence with whom Octavia and Vinyl had discovered--true to Cheerilee's promise--they had a great deal in common . She too had come to Ponyville later in life, and had had to make friends from the outside in. Despite her fame and prominence from being the Hero of Equestria and Princess Celestia's protege and Princess Luna's close personal friend, the young lavender mare was surprisingly down to earth, very humble and pleasant to be around. True to her unicorn heritage, and reinforcing Cheerilee's suggestion that she and Octavia had a great deal in common, her preferences apparently also leaned towards mares, and her partner turned out to be a bombastic, animated, utterly ridiculous unicorn as well. Trixie, Twilight's mate, was very nearly the polar opposite of her partner, sensational, showy, arrogant, and generally well-suited to her chosen profession of showmare. Naturally, she and Vinyl got along swimmingly--after they both got over the fact that they had just met somepony even more comically theatrical than they were. After a tense initial meeting, the two quickly fell into discussing various performance techniques and tricks, swapping trade secrets and giggling together about their more refined, stuck-up marefriends.
Over time, the two mares had become good friends with everypony in town. Vinyl was now receiving multiple requests to DJ at small personal parties, requests she was more than happy to fulfill. The sheer number of parties combined with the somewhat shorter time commitments resulted in her making a slightly better living than she had been at the seedier clubs, and the new regimen kept her out of the less savory parts of town, much to Octavia's relief. She still performed for large audiences at larger parties, but she no longer had to check over her shoulders on her way home every other night. Octavia had begun to give private music lessons to some of the fillies and colts in the village, and a few were proving exceptionally talented. Her gentle, reassuring methodology coupled with the enormous patience she had developed living with Vinyl proved to be a sensational combination, and she soon had more foals applying than she could ever have time for. She did her best to focus on those who seemed genuinely interested in learning and improving, most notably--and perhaps surprisingly--Rarity's young sister Sweetie Belle who, in addition to having a wonderful singing voice, was remarkably talented with music in general. It was strangely fulfilling work, much like being a mother was turning out to be.
Everything changed so quickly now, she reflected as she trotted up to the library and waved at Twilight, who grinned and waved back as she pointedly ignored Trixie's typically melodramatic irritation at being interrupted in the middle of a conversation. Although it would be disingenuous to suggest every change had felt like a positive one, there was no doubt that the general direction that her little family's life was going was a good one, and they had Scootaloo to thank for that, without question. The little filly had been a sudden and intense infusion of intense, superlative emotions, from euphoric joy to crushing disappointment, fear and anticipation, enthusiasm and regret...and all of it resulting in memories that Octavia treasured deeply in those precious few quiet moments she could manage to find in between music lessons, helping Scootaloo with homework, balancing their new budget, and making time to see all of their new friends. It was the best change they could ever have hoped for.
And to think it could have been just another night.
Brilliant. Just freaking brilliant.
Awesome. I was thinking of this story not 5 minutes before you updated. I'm kinda sad to see this end. But if I read the authors note right, you have a sequel in mind. I sure hope so. This story gave me a new headcannon: Vinyl and Tavi are best surrogate parents for Scootaloo.
I didn't find the chapter too wordy. I don't think. Hmm. It seemed to flow really good. I hope you do a sequel soon. Keep up the great work.
P.S. Have my eye.
Also, coulda just been how long it has been since I read it, but the
was fuzzy. Imma have to go back and find it now.
I went back and read the last two chapters. I don't really understand this part:
I'm not exactly sure what "catastrophe" you mean and why Octavia would be so mad about Vinyl telling about it. Mind refreshing my memory??
This story makes me smile.
Pinkie is pleased.
I reach the end of the latest chapter in what is easily one of my favorite story on this site, thinking it's over, and it's been a wonderful ride, when...
I cannot remember the last time I had such a dramatic emotional flipflop from one word...i am grinning like an idiot in excitement
"Introductory"???
Quick riddle: What do you get when you cross Best Couple and Best Crusader with good writing and comedic feels?
Answer: This shit. Right here.
2004212
I think the one where Vi took Scootaloo to the club early on? idk i may be confusing this fic with another Vi/Scoot fic
ah well, guess I'll just have to read this again!!
2004641
All the chapters but the last took place over like 2 days. I think you are confusing it with something else. The thing the popped into my mind at first was the Mr. Cake incident but I wouldn't see why Octavia would be embarrassed about that. Maybe it meant the interruption of their sexy time?
YES MOAR!!!!!!!!!
2004696
yeah it was a different fic...
rereading now, I'll let you know if i find it
2004719
Cool. Thanks.
2004212
The "catastrophe" in question is the one wherein Vy accosts Carrot in Sugar Cube Corner. The idea is--presumably--that Mr. Cake ramped up his complaints after being attacked in his own store, and that's what got Mayor Mare to have Bumble Bee come to Ponyville (sooner than expected, anyway).
Whatever embarrassment is to be had would come from Octavia being generally friendly, if a bit standoffish, and being mortified that Vinyl had let her temper get away from her like that.
2004787
aww way to ruin the search! *stubbornly continues reread anyway...* I'm caught up in the story all over again
2004787
I thought that's what you were referring to at first, until I went back and reread a bit. Here is why I thought it was something else:
They said Ponyville was outside where they thought the filly could make it from Baltimare but Mayor Mare was able to get the message (don't know if you had phones in your universe) out and the guy get there within about 15 hrs (Vinyl was 2 hrs late picking up Scoots. Assuming school ended around 3, that would mean it was about 5:30 when they got to Sugarcube Corner). For this, maybe he was already on his way before all that. And why was Mr. Cake with them. I mean, even if he filed the report, they wouldn't need him to point out the pony or show them where she lived. Doesn't make sense to me.
Why would Octavia be upset about her telling about that? It's not like it was a very embarrassing thing. And other ponies may have done known because of Pinkie and the Cakes (that makes me think of Pinkie and the Brain)
Also, why would Vinyl assaulting him in his workplace make them speed up Bumble getting there? Of course, it would've been a one sided story and probably would've made Vinyl look the bad guy. Plus, I thought Pinkie was making them come to an agreement before letting Vinyl leave. "Both angry, both did stupid things while angry, both could press charges, neither would." That's what you put (majorly paraphrased) in chapter nine during the scene in Pinkie's room.
I apologize if this comes off as me being a dick. I'm not trying to. It is just reasons why I thought you may have been referring to something else (especially that second reason. That was the main thing.) But, if you said that's what it is referring to, than by Jove, that's what it's referring to.
Love the story and can't wait to see more from you.
Edit: Didn't see the part about the embarrassment before I posted this. On that, but wouldn't that have been something she would've dealt with before the party?
2004965
Nope, you're totally right. It's not a good explanation, and I'll rethink it.
Regarding Octavia being embarrassed, it's never really mentioned that she was embarrassed, necessarily, but rather just furious that it happened in the first place. One of the interesting dynamics between Vinyl and Tavi is that Octavia is uptight and always hides her emotions, while Vinyl is a free spirit who probably ought to keep her feelings bottled up more often than she does. Living together had helped them both temper that extremity to some degree, but every once in a while, Vinyl will let her emotions get away from her, and while this is usually harmless, in this case it could have been a serious problem. After all, this was more than a simple shouting match; it was out and out assault. Granted, it was a two-way street, and yes, Pinkie did manage to alleviate the situation before Vy left, but it's still something that Octavia would be angry about when she learned about it.
Mr. Cake is at the apartment because he has to be there to give his side of any story that the Scratch-Philharmonicas dispute (a family name that now includes Scootaloo, of course).
2005012
Your counter points are good. I don't really know why I assumed it was embarrassment. I kinda figured Vinyl would've done told Tavi about that like, the night all of it happened. Or at least before the party. Of course, the party could have been that night (with how Pinkie is). So I guess those concerns could kinda be thrown out the bag.
But wouldn't a dispute be better handled at the City Hall or something, not one parties house? Of course, they could've (did you know autocorrect says that's not a real contraction?) just been trying to kill two birds with one stone. Maybe Mr. Cake was there to file a complaint anyways (dick) or for some other reason so they had him tag along. But then they started to do more about the adoption so they were unable to get to it. Completely plausible.
And I guess Bumble coulda done been on his way before hand.
So, all my concerns are alleviated. I guess there are some spots you could add a little more detail to keep this from happening but I was probably just over thinking it.
Thank you for taking you time to help straighten this out. Can't wait to see more from you.
I can no longer accept Scootaloo being adopted by anyone other than Vinyl and Tavi.
Dawww, this story is beautiful!
Kismet... I think it means fate or destiny or something
2006025
Why yes, yes it does. In truth, it means something more like "serendipity" or "good fortune." It can (rarely) mean fate in a negative sense, too, but in this case, it means "fortuitous happenstance" or more colloquially, "destiny."
Huuh. This one's unique-ish. I like it. Can't wait to read the next one. I could do without the porny bits you suggest might come, but I can skim over those as I have done for so many years.
2006326
In deference to this common sensibility, I'll probably upload two versions, one with and one without.
Unless, I suppose, that's against Fimfic guidelines.
2006550 Eh, I don't even care to be honest. I once read a story explicitly written as pornography because I found the concept interesting, and it really was a good story (though amateurish) even if I had to skip a dozen paragraphs every few pages ;)
Not that I have any particular problem with porn. I just prefer to keep my entertainment and my... entertainment... separate if at all possible ;)
2006563
Sure, and I respect that. I just don't want to deprive anyone of the story--which I hope will be very good--just because they can't/don't want to see stories tagged 'mature'.
We'll see.
Really nice story, nice to see another take on Scratch/Tavia by making them parents and it is nice to see a good story for Scootaloo. Despite my dislike of the Trixie/Twilight ship, it was interesting and the similarities between Scratch/Tavia and Trixie/Twilight ships are definitely good, I could picture Scratch and Trixie actually becoming good friends. Will be watching for more stories from you.
No clop for next story kthxbai.
Yaaaay! I liked the ending! Had to reread a ton to get back into it, but it was woorrrrthhh iiiiiittt!
I think this chapter had a bit too much narration and too little character's action. Still cute and heart warming thou :)
However, one thing had bothered me a bit.
I don't quite understand for what Vinyl was delighted and why she should be delighted by this
Surprise Twixie!
....
I'm okay with this.
Oh, erm, right, there was a story, too. It was lovely. Great character elements for all of them--though I was a bit put-off by Rarity making a racist remark towards pegasi, and Mr.Cake seemed like an odd choice of villain--in particular your Vinyl and Tavi were adorable.
This was very heart warming and true to the scootalove concept.
I now want to go CUPCAKES on Carrot Cake.
2006693 Thinking on it more, as I recall these accounts we register filter out mature stories by default and you can't see them at allif you don't change the setting... And the setting is per-computer, not per account.
So yeah, having a non-mature version of it would probably increase your readercount significantly.
2007869
Glad you approve
On the racist Rarity front, I don't really think she was being racist so much as she was just commenting on a facet of Pegasus personality that seems to be fairly common, that is, a certain lack of common sense. They aren't stupid, they just act first and think later. It's what makes them good racers and (in my headcanon) soldiers, but why there aren't many of them to be found in Canterlot Castle's Grand Archives. Conversely, unicorns are very intelligent, but not particularly attentive. It's less racism and more simply a matter of there being clear differences in the sub-species of pony.
And I can't stand Carrot Cake. I think his whole personality is a thin veneer of congeniality barely covering a seething self-loathing and general anger at the world brought on by Cup Cake's--but of course I'm getting ahead of myself. That's all plot for another story.
2011880 still, it's not something a fine lady would likely call attention to in polite conversation. It's like if I were to make remarks towards the study habits of Asians based upon the actions of a little Asian girl I knew who liked to read. Somehow it just doesn't seem to sit well with me.
Mr. Cake--he's a nervous wreck, but I've never really seen him as hostile. I rather like the Cakes, actually. They quite care about Pinkie. I would think they'd know all about taking in a foal of their own given her temperament and that they give Pinkie employment, housing and companionship. But since there's so little info on their canon personalities a little background speculation is fine.
I waited so, so very long for this to be completed and you most definitely did not disappoint. I feel like these last two chapters were more...well written. And I dont mean to say that the rest of the fiction was not well written, but these two in particular stood out as fantastic.
looking forward to your future works mate.
Twilight and Trixie...brilliant just brilliant. Ive loved this story since i started reading and i cant wait for more.
Hey, KiroTalon. I’m a member of WRITE, and after I saw Simon’s glowing review of “The Most Unlikely Places” (both the one he posted on the story itself, and how he talked it up to me in private), I had to give that a read. Well, I loved the first chapter of it so much that I felt like before I got any further on, I had to go back and read this story. I hope you don’t mind getting a few of my thoughts on it—though, not in any official capacity, of course, what with this being unsolicited and all.
The thing about this story that I absolutely loved was how you handled the characterization—it was woven so naturally into the plot. You stuck to fanon personalities, but you never let that rule the direction of the story to an excessive degree, referencing memes and such or going for unrealistic narrative choices. The events of the story are pretty much purely intersections of personalities with either situations or each other. That’s how things should be, in my opinion—why opt to throw the idiot ball into your stories when realistic, honest mistakes that people make can have drastic consequences under the right (or wrong, I suppose) conditions?
The one real characterization gripe I have is with Mr. Cake. You offered an explanation early in the story about why he would act the way he did when he appeared, and how he had acted that way once before (though the other time seemed more understandable, with him caught up in the heat of the moment, from Scoot’s explanation), but honestly, that didn’t make seeing him act how he did any less jarring—the guy is just the picture of awkward, gangly composure in the show, from what I recall.
As far as other negatives go, the biggest one for me was probably just how bloated you let many of your paragraphs get. I was getting lost in walls of text left and right, when splitting them up would have been no trouble at all, and would often have helped your flow as well as your aesthetics. Aside from that, there were awkward sentences now and again, and likely a couple of technical errors (though no glaring ones come to mind, which is a very good thing), but they were few and far between.
Still, what you’ve got here is an incredibly solid story, and I’m very happy to have read it. If I wind up enjoying what there is of “The Most Unlikely Places” as much as I did this, I think you’ll have earned yourself a new follower. Excellent work.
But hey.
Use cover images.
2296038
Wow! I must say I'm flattered, firstly by Simon recommending "The Most Unlikely Places" to someone else, and secondly by your glowing review of this story. From what I've read of their reviews, WRITE has higher standards than most reviewers, and getting positive praise means a lot to me. Unsolicited or not, your review was highly appreciated.
Thank you! The thing that drew me to writing MLP fanfiction was the depth of the characters and the world in which they live. Even characters with little to no canon personality are vividly represented in the show, enough for the fanbase to give them solid personalities completely independent of the writers. I always try to create characters interesting and deep enough to drive the plot on their own, without needing to resort to MacGuffins and deus ex to tell a story, and despite the speed of the plot progression, I feel like this story managed to move smoothly on its own.
This complaint has been voiced so frequently that I've often considered rewriting the scenes he shows up in just to make his actions seem more feasible. I realize that he doesn't fit his canon personality as well as perhaps most people would like, but this is partly because I take a certain guilty pleasure in darkening otherwise pleasant characters. To me, the Cakes are such a saccharine-sweet couple that there must be some dark secret they're working so hard to hide. The baby cakes provided the supreme opportunity to give them something to hide (i.e. perhaps Mrs. Cake is not as dedicated to their marriage as people would like to believe), but whatever the reason, my headcanon has them more or less going through the motions and putting up a facade while their marriage is essentially dead. In any event, I was attempting to go for more end-of-his-rope anger with Mr. Cake, and less I-hate-foals anger. It's harder to represent when he's not a main character, and I'll have to go back and try again.
Yeah, most of these chapters were written in one shot, edited sparsely, and uploaded the instant they were finished. Again, a second read-through with an eye towards editing would probably do me some good.
Again, I really, really appreciate your input here, and I sincerely hope you enjoy "The Most Unlikely Places" as much as you enjoyed this. Personally, I consider "The Most Unlikely Places" to be the superior work, because the pacing is more even and the overall plot more smoothly planned. If you don't mind terribly posting a review on that (if you feel the desire and have the opportunity, of course), I would seriously appreciate that, as well. I know Simon did one already, but more critical eyes are never a bad thing, and the WRITE folks are immensely impressive to me.
And yeah, I'm going to start using cover images on everything. I had no clue they were so, so vital to success. Lesson learned, as it happens.
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I can certainly appreciate that, believe me. I would have loved to see that more ingrained into the story, somehow, though. My gripe about the characterization had far less to do with the fact that he acted like he did, but more that the buildup wasn't quite enough to believably turn canon on its head. It was getting there, yes, and I commend you for that, but what you portrayed was a family man that had been pushed too far—that doesn't quite go deep enough to explain coldly, nigh-wordlessly attempting to assault a shivering, apologetic filly all while a customer upset by the situation is trying to stop him (he must know how it looks to his customers, after all).
And I'll probably wind up giving you my thoughts on the sequel at some point, too. Likely after it's finished, though—I'd rather have the complete picture.
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Yeah, I'll go back and try to smooth out that characterization, see if I can make it more believable. As far as TMUP being finished goes, I'm not sure how long it will end up being, but it's probably going to be several weeks in process. It'll probably have some twenty to thirty chapters, and my regular followers would tell you I don't update nearly as often as either of us would like.
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I doubt you're as awful as me in that regard. "Several weeks" for 20-30 chapters? I've gone months without putting out a single update…
Question: did you tag this story in that blog post about TMUP? I didn't get a notification about it, and I've got this favorited.
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I certainly thought I did...perhaps I did it wrong? (Seems like the sort of thing that would be hard to screw up...)
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Hm. Dunno, you still might've done it perfectly fine—I'd heard rumblings that that feature had been broken recently. I wasn't notified, is all I'm sure of.
wow .... this fic is one of the best i ever read .... no needless interrupts, no sudden villains (i was very afraid of this when Bee appeared, thank you for making him a nice guy btw, didn't expect that), just a story about two lovers adopting a child ....
A very VERY big thank you from me for this Story.
faved, liked and recommended in user page.
gjogjdgjdfklgjdfgjkdfljkgdfj I LOVED THIS SO MUCH
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I'm glad you enjoyed yourself! I think your comments are possibly the most enthusiastically anyone has ever responded to one of my fics. I've been in a slump lately, and you've reminded me why I write in the first place.
2481038 Pfft, everyone should have comments that make them smile and laugh - not just boring old things like "I like it." LIKE WOW SO MUCH LOVE.
Nah. I hate that, so I try to make sure whenever I read a story that I give the author some well-deserved love!
So yeah, glad I cheered you up, darling!
I loved this Scootadoption story. And the VinyTavi shipping was adorable. I can't wait to read the sequel.
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Just a little while after season 3. None of the CMC have their cutie marks yet, but it's been long enough for Ponyville to have grown a bit as a town. Call it a year, maybe two.
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My Little DJ.
Although this one is so much better imo.
2809613 Lol, yeah. I got caught up on the rest of the chapters and realized that this version of Mr cake is a bastard.
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I've been watching this conversation with interest because I like to see what people glean from the characters I write, but I feel like I want to interject here just a little on Mr. Cake's behalf, just to try and even the playing field a bit.
There is very little about Mr. Cake in this story, so there's no precedent for his actions, but understand that he is a very frustrated, very unhappy pony with a lot on his plate and even more on his mind. His marriage is unsatisfying and unhappy, his children are the love of his life but even they aren't pure joy for him. His business is booming, but it's precarious because he's just the owner/manager. He doesn't bake nearly as well as his wife or his assistant, and if either of them left--a very real fear for him--he'd be sunk.
So if you're already dealing with a ton of really heavy shit and one day you come to work to discover your assistant handing out your goods to someone you don't know without your permission, you might go off a bit, too. Then the same orphan you just chased away shows up again during your busiest day, presumably trying to *steal* again, well...
He's definitely in the wrong, make no mistake, but if you knew what he was dealing with, you might backpedal a bit on the title 'bastard' and maybe switch to...I dunno, 'downtrodden'.