A&E: The Case of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorderer

by Doccular42

Part III

ROSELUCK'S BOUQUETS, 12AM

A soft breeze ruffled Amethyst’s mane slightly as she stared down the perp that they’d been pursuing for the past two days. The criminal in question stared right back, their long cloak billowing in the breeze behind them.

Amethyst’s muscles tightened. This moment was crucial. At the moment of discovery, criminals were often violent. They might try to run, or they might lash out. And given this perp’s power, she needed to be prepared for anything. The perp didn’t bolt for the door, but took an equally aggressive stance.

Nopony moved. Wind whistled through the windows, and Amethyst felt a bead of sweat start to roll down her face. The perp’s face was hidden under a dark hood, but Amethyst could have sworn she saw them grin. She took a step forward. If they weren’t going to make the first move, she was.

“Got you now, Frank!”

Both Amethyst and ‘Frank’ flinched at the sound of Ember’s voice. Amethyst, however, took the opportunity, and used her magic to rip the hood off of the perp’s cloak. The hood blew out of the store in a strong breeze, and the two got their first look at who was responsible for all of this.

“So.” The perp spoke, her eyes narrowed. “Now thou dost know.” The perp was a mare with a sleek coat of dark blue fur. A long flowing mane lifted behind her in the breeze, as dark and majestic as the night itself. Light blue irises, glowing with determination, stared back at the two. A crown on her head caught the light of the moon and glinted brightly. A long horn stood out from under it, standing a bit taller and straighter than other unicorn’s horns.

...unfortunately, the perp also had a strip of cloth over her face. Amethyst felt as if she should know her, but the mask completely threw her off!

“Who are you?” Amethyst asked with a huff. The OCD’er blinked, eyes wide.

“Surely thou jest?”

“You’ve obviously gone to great lengths to conceal your identity, what with wearing a mask under your hood.” The OCD’ers hoof went to touch her mask as she said this, confusion written on her face. “So just out with it, who are you?!”

The OCD’er’s confused expression suddenly brightened into a mischievous grin. She began to glow with power as she rose into the sky. Amethyst and Ember covered their eyes as the wind suddenly kicked up, blowing stray debris around the store in a small tornado.

Amethyst gritted her teeth. No wonder her magic had been so easily overpowered!

“I am, The Princess of— oh wait no.” The wind and power suddenly died down, and the OCD’er dropped to the floor, hoof to her chin. “Inverter? No, We think that sounds dumb…” The OCD’er continued to stroke her chin in thought.

“Are you serious?” Ember laughed. “You haven’t even thought of a name for yourself?”

“Silence, cretin!” The OCD’er glared at Ember. “We do not see you coming up with anything better!”

Amethyst cleared her throat. Both Ember and the OCD’er looked at her. “The Obsessive Compulsive Disorderer,” Amethyst said with a smug smile.

“No, We think that sounds dumb as well.” Amethyst’s face dropped into a confused frown.

“What.”

“Oooh! I’ve got a better one!” Ember waved her hoof in the air ecstatically. The OCD’er grinned.

“Bravo, Our enemy! Please, serenade Us with thy new designation!”

Amethyst seethed. “Ember, I swear, if you even think about saying what I think you’re going to say—”

“Frank!” Ember said with a huge grin.

Amethyst’s hoof slapped into her forehead at mach speed.

“Hm...Frank. Simple, but imaginative.”

Amethyst’s face lifted from her hoof, eyes wide in bewilderment.

“Yes! We will take it!” The spectacle from earlier began anew, and Amethyst and Ember had to cover their eyes once more as Frank rose into the sky, eyes brimming with arcane might.

“Beware Ponyville, for you now face the wrath of the mighty Frank! Mwahahahahaha!”

“Ooo, evil laugh. Nice touch.” Ember nodded.

Amethyst quickly smacked the back of her partner’s head. “Quit complementing the enemy!” Ember rubbed her head and grumbled indignantly. Amethyst directed her gaze back towards Frank. “And ‘Frank’? Are you kidding me? ‘Obsessive Compulsive Disorderer’ was at least a little imaginative!”

“We think thou art jealous because thy partner is better at naming things than thou art,” Frank said with an affirmative nod.

Amethyst’s eye twitched as Ember burst out laughing. “It’s true! You know she once had a goldfish she named ‘Larry’?”

Amethyst’s face flushed red and she glared at Ember. “Don’t bring Larry into this!”

Frank burst into laughter as well. “And thou think'st thine partner is the one bad at namesakes?” Frank fell into giggles as Amethyst held a hoof over her face.

“Look, it doesn’t matter who or what you are. There isn’t going to be any ‘wrath’, because you’re under arrest!”

Ember recomposed herself and took her place at Amethyst’s side. “Yeah, your time’s up, Frank!”

Frank recomposed herself as well and stood upright. “Is that so, my little detectives? Well, in order to arrest something, you must first catch it!” She suddenly vanished in a flash of blue light, and reappeared outside of the store. Her horn pulsed with a dark blue aura, and the store was suddenly lifted into the air, turned exactly one hundred and eighty degrees, and planted back onto its roof. “Mwahahaha!” Frank cackled as she began to prance through the streets.

Ember suddenly burst from the doors, her face a mask of rigid determination. “Come back here, Frank!” Her fur bristled as she shot down the street.

Amethyst stumbled out of the store in a daze, falling flat on her face upon exit. She looked back at the shop with a forlorn expression. “Oh sweet Celestia, I hope that isn’t coming out of our pay…”

***

Ember’s breath came out in quick, rapid succession as she locked her eyes on the form of Frank, galloping just out of reach. Ember flapped her wings once and made a jump to catch her, but Frank made a sharp turn at Ponyville’s town square and shot down another street, causing Ember to fall flat on her face.

“Get her, Ember!” Ammy shouted as she leapt after the foe. Ember shook the dust out of her mane and jumped back to her hooves.

“What the hay are you doing?” Ember heard Ammy shout from around the corner. She rushed past the cobble building and gasped in astonishment.

“MwahahahaHAHAHAHAHA!” Frank cackled deviously as she lifted the enormous statue of Princess Celestia into the air and slowly turned it upside down.

“Noooooooo!” Ammy cried. She took her power stance and closed her eyes in concentration. Her own aura surrounded the statue. “Ember, stop her!”

Ember flapped her wings and took to the air with a mighty war cry. She shot forth like an arrow from the bow of the goddess herself. She steeled her resolve, squinted her eyes, and pulled her wings in to reduce drag as she prepared for impact with her nemesis. A sly grin split her face as she—

—missed Frank completely. The black mare stepped to the side at the last second.

“Woah!” Ember cried. She tumbled over the ground and crashed into a cart that stood behind Frank.

Frank giggled, making a stark comparison to her previous maniacal laughter. “Thou art most amusing, pegasus. We shall have to keep you!” With that, Frank levitated Ember up into the air.

“Hey! Put me down!” Ember yelped indignantly. “Ammy! Help!” Ember turned her head to see her partner still standing by the statute. Her whole body seemed to be sagging to the ground from the stress of magically lifting such a large object all by herself.

“Oooookay. I guess I’ll just have to deal with you myself.” Ember turned and glared at Frank.

The masked madmare grinned cockily in reply. “Oh, and how dost thou expect to do that?”

Ember pulled open her saddlebag and grabbed a small item.

“What are you—”

Whap!

“Gah!” Frank cried out in pain as a paper wad made contact with her eye. Her magic around Ember dissipated and the pegasus took to the air once more.“A spitball?”

Ember put another wad of napkin into her straw and shot it into Frank’s other eye with pinpoint precision.

“Oww!”

Ember tackled the mare to the ground and gave her own laugh. “You don’t mess with a mare who comes prepared for a stakeout.”

“How is a spitball weapon stakeout gear?” Frank gasped as Ember wrestled her down.

“Duh. I’m spending more than eight hours with Ammy. I’m gonna need some way to not fall asleep!” Ember pulled Frank’s legs to the ground and pinned them.

“Huh. We can appreciate your logic. But it is irrelevant!” Frank’s horn glowed alight with dark blue magic, and a mystical force threw Ember across the courtyard.

“Woah!” Ember tumbled and crashed into a surprisingly soft wall.

“Oof!” Ammy exclaimed as Ember knocked her over.

Ember opened her eyes to see Ammy on top of her. She cracked a smile. “Ooh, cuddling again. You’re gonna have to buy me dinner soon.”

Amethyst growled and sprang back to her hooves. “Now is not the time!” She gasped and lashed out with her magic to grab the falling statue once more. “Just… Stop… Her…” she said through gritted teeth while she tried to gently set the statue back onto its hooves.

Ember jumped up to see Frank standing over one of the stands at the far end of the courtyard. Ember growled and snorted. She pawed at the ground with her hoof before launching into a charge.

Frank dodged nimbly out of the way once more. She moved to the other side of the cart and flipped its contents upside down. “There art no breaks on the chaos train!” She howled.

“Oh yeah?” Ember asked. She reached into the cart and grabbed the first thing that she could, which happened to be a golden delicious apple. She lifted it into the air…

...and set it down right side up.

Frank ceased her laughing immediately. “How dare you?” she hissed. She reached back down and flipped the apple back upside down.

“Oh, it is on.” Ember’s eyes gleamed.

The two mares’ hooves flashed in the moonlight. Apples flipped, baskets were turned, and fruit flew through the air. The cart shook from the speed of the opponents as their grim battle continued.

Back across the open yard, Amethyst sighed as she set the statue back upon her pedestal. She wiped a bead of sweat from her face and turned to look for her foe. She saw the mare across the yard and narrowed her eyes. She ran over to them, but slowly came to a stop as their words drifted into her ears.

“...and verily, why wouldst anypony leave out an entire cart of apples, anyways? It is as if they are inviting the very avatar of all that is chaos and Frank to come ruin their day!”

“Yeah, I know!” Ember replied as she flipped more apples right side up. “It’s really not a good idea. If I ran an apple stand, I’d lock every single one of them up each night so that thieves couldn’t grab them!”

“And thou wouldst be a most responsible cart vendor, Ember. We would trust you with taking care of the apples that We would buy.” Frank flipped three baskets upside down and put one onto Ember’s head.

“Aww, thanks!” Ember put the baskets back into place.

“Ember!” Amethyst hissed. “What are you doing?”

“I’m stopping her. What are you doing?” Ember replied. Her eyebrow shot into the air.

“I’m trying to stop her from destroying one of the town’s greatest landmarks and catch her in order to stop her diabolical rampage!” Amethyst yelled.

“Sheesh. So am I, Miss Walking Thesaurinary.”

Amethyst grit her teeth again. “The word is ‘thesaurus.’ It’s a different word from dictionary.”

“Actually, if you look my word up in the dictionarisaurus, you’ll see that I’m right.” Ember growled and kept flipping apples.

“Oh my dear sweet Luna, what is wrong with you, Em—”

“The bad-namer is correct, Ember,” Frank cut Amethyst off hurriedly.

“Thank you. Finally someone who understands what I have to go through everyday—” Amethyst looked at Frank and shook her head. “NO! I will not be distracted! You’re going down!” She charged the self-proclaimed agent of chaos.

Frank magically tossed the entire cart into the air and scattered the apples across the courtyard. “Foolish detective! Thou canst not catch chaos! ‘Tis too slippery!” She ran back to the statue and turned to Amethyst with an evil grin.

“NOOOOOOOO!” Amethyst yelled.

Frank’s horn flashed, and the entire statue flipped and balanced perfectly upon the pristine horn. “Onward!” She cried gleefully and ran into the shadows.

“Ahhhhhhhh!” Amethyst screamed and took off after her.

Ember giggled. “Okay, that was good. You’ve gotta give her that.”

Amethyst ignored her.

***

Ember crept around the corner with all the sneakiness that she could muster. Frank had disappeared after running from them in the courtyard. They managed to follow her by following the trail of destruction, but the trail had ended a few meters back with an upside-down lamp post, and the two detectives were yet to pick it up again.

Ammy stood across the alleyway. The unicorn’s head shot back and forth as she scanned the area. Meeting Ember’s eye, Ammy held up a hoof, pointed it upward, waved it in a circle, pointed at the ground twice, and then pointed at her eyes. She then nodded twice.

Ember squinted at her, cocked her head to the side, and scrunched her face up in confusion. “What the hay does that mean?” she whispered, even though she knew Ammy couldn’t hear.

Ammy facehoofed and glared at her partner. She repeated the sequence of motions emphatically.

Ember blinked a few times, leaned her head forward, and squinted. “Oooh, you want to cuddle again after this is over, right? I getcha,” Ember whispered again. She turned her head to the side and winked.

Ammy nodded and crept forward slowly. She hugged the wall of the building beside her as she carefully strode down the alleyway. She edged around yet another corner at an intersection and held up a hoof. She looked into the air as if searching for something.

Ember still stood back at her own corner, watching in amusement as the unicorn continued along.

Ammy shook her head, scanning all over the sky. Her nose wrinkled in confusion. Finally, she looked backward and caught Ember’s eye. Ammy’s jaw went slack, and she glared at her partner. Although Ember wasn’t the world’s best lip reader, she could easily tell what Ammy whispered at her. What the hay, Ember?

Ember sighed and trotted over to the irate detective. “What?” she whispered.

“I told you to fly up into the air, look around, and then tell me what you saw! What else could it possibly mean?” Ammy hissed.

Ember pushed up against the same wall as Ammy. She rolled her eyes. “Oh, silly me. Of course that’s what it means. There’s no way anypony could possibly misconstrue that precise gesture…”

Amethyst growled. “Your sarcasm is not appreciated. Now we’ll never find her…”

“Find who, hotflank?” a voice whispered into the detectives’ ears.

“Wah!” Ammy and Ember leaped into the air and swiftly turned around in time to see no other than—

“FRANK!” Ember shouted.

“Get her!”

Frank cackled madly and rushed down an alleyway. Ember took to the air, and Ammy ran swiftly in hot pursuit.

“Oh, what fun this is! We have not enjoyed ourselves so much since our sister helped us crash the national zebran cake festival! Ah, the good old days…”

“Aha!” Ammy exclaimed as she rounded a corner and bounded an empty stall. “Now we know that you have a sister and know zebras! You are giving us so many clues! We’ll find out who you are!”

Frank came to a complete stop next to a building. She faced Ammy. “Seriously? Thou hath not figured it out yet? Still? Really, thou art fun chase buddies, but bad detect—”

Ember divebombed her foe. Frank’s words cut off as she dodged to the side and slipped into the building.

“Ha! Now we shall wreak more chaos upon this poor town! Mwahahahaha!”

“No! Not there!” Ember yelled and followed her inside. “Anywhere but here!”

Ammy followed quickly. “Ember! Why not in here?”

Ember rounded a corner and found herself standing in Fancy Fare’s dining area. “This is the best restaurant in town! You had better not touch a single thing, ya hear me?”

Frank paused. “Oh? And why shouldn’t We touch anything?”

Ember and Ammy stood across the room from the menacing masked mare. They stared at her for a second before Ember spoke. “Because they have the best salads in town! I only just came here for the first time with Roseluck for lunch today, and you better not mess anything up, or so help me Celestia, I’ll.. I’ll… I’ll get really mad!”

Ammy turned to face her companion. “Wait. You had lunch with Roseluck today? After I reminded you about the company policy? What the hay? Ember!”

“Oops.” Ember’s shoulders fell. “Umm, it wasn’t a date! I promise.”

“Wait. We are lost. Your criminal foe is about to wreak havoc upon a local business, and the interesting part of the conversation is that the yellow one had a date today?” Frank cocked her head to the side.

“NO!” shouted Ember.

“YES!” yelled Ammy.

“Oh, my. This should be fun. Carry on.” Frank hopped into a barstool to watch the two talk.

“You disobeyed my orders? Again?” Ammy shouted. “Luna take you, you just can’t stop yourself, can you?”

“It wasn’t a date! We just took our lunch hours together, ate some flowers together, told stories together, laughed together, and… It wasn’t a date!” Ember said quickly.

“That’s totally a date! Just just perfectly described a date! A good one too!” Ammy facehoofed.

“It was not!”

“It was soooooo a date!”

“Not!”

“Actually, we agree with the hotflank. Thou has described a date.” Frank nodded solemnly.

“Thank you, Frank!” Ammy replied.

“It is our pleasure!” Frank crooned.

“Ammy! I promise, there was no date-age! No dateypoo! Not a date!”

Ammy gritted her teeth. “We’ll talk about this later. We have more important things to do…” She turned to face Frank.

Frank nodded. “Yes. Quite so.” She didn't move from her spot. After a moment, she looked back and forth between the two. “Wait. What are we doing, exactly?”

“Chasing you!” Ember and Ammy yelled together.

“Oh. Yes. Sorry, We forgot. We quite enjoyed this episode of thy soap opera. We eagerly await the next.” She smirked. “Now, We know that this restaurant is an important site to you, yellow one. Thus, we shall not desecrate it.”

Ammy growled. “Why would you do that?”

“Because we thought of somewhere much more fun to play…” Frank grinned mischievously.

“Oh, yeah? Where’s that?” Ember asked.

Frank’s grin intensified. “Thy office.” With that, she leaped from her seat and bolted out the side door.

Ember saw Ammy’s expression go completely blank for a moment. A second later, Ammy’s face flushed dark purple, and a guttural growl escaped her throat.

“Oh, ponyfeathers…” Ember muttered. “Ammy, don’t get mad, don’t get mad, don’t get m—”

“OH, NO YOU DON’T!” Ammy screamed at Frank. She turned her wild eyed gaze to Ember. “WE’LL DEAL WITH YOUR DATE SHENANIGANS SOON. BUT FIRST, I HAVE A CRIMINAL SCUM TO STOP!” With that, she shot off like a bottle rocket, knocking aside tables and chairs and breaking down the side door.

“Great. Just great…” Ember muttered. “Me and my stupid mouth…” She sighed and walked after her partner. “Not a date… Not a date…”

***

Amethyst galloped forward with a burst of speed as Frank pranced into their office. She had shut the door behind her, but with a burst of her own magic, Amethyst was able to push through. She stood in the doorway, steam escaping from her nostrils as she looked at the scene before her.

All of her organization, her papers filed in neat ‘done’ and ‘to-do’ list according to cases, finances, and clients had all been accumulated in the center of the room. Right next to a grinning Frank.

Amethyst’s breath caught in her throat, her eyes went wide before they narrowed, and her voice lowered harshly. “You wouldn’t dare…”

Frank only gave the unicorn another smug grin before she lit her horn, and all of Amethyst’s hard work went airborne in an unorganized, scattered mess.

”Nooooooo!” Amethyst screamed to the heavens above as she watched all of her paperwork flutter to the ground. “You… you monster!”

Frank raised her head and cackled like a mad mare. “Mwahahahahaha! You never stood a chance against Us! We are the bane of all that is orderly! We are the chaos that haunts you in your dreams! We! Are! Fra—”

“Amethyst, no matter what happened, I swear it wasn’t a date! I didn’t even get her address! We didn’t even snuggle!” Ember shouted as she burst into the office.

Amethyst gritted her teeth. “I said that we’d deal with you later!” She used her magic to pull the floating paper into stacks. “Just get her!”

“On it!” Ember shot towards Frank again, who nimbly dodged out of the way. Ember predicted this though, and she planted her hooves on the wall before she crashed into it. She used the boost to fly at Frank again, this time making solid contact. The two mares rolled on the ground for a moment before they stopped, with Ember on top pinning Frank down. “We got some food and talked about stuff! That’s all it was!”

They rolled again, this time with Frank on top and pinning Ember to the ground with her magic. “We think thou art simply in self denial! Thou hast most definitely gone on a date this day!” Frank’s horn glowed bright once more, and a nearby filing cabinet floated into the air…

… only to have Amethyst land atop it.

“No! No more! You’ve done enough damage already!”

Frank growled. “Unhoof the object of our desires, fiend!”

“You’re the fiend! They were innocent pieces of paperwork! They never did anything to you!”

“They didn’t, but I’m about to.” Frank’s gaze left Amethyst to turn her attention to Ember, who had just broken free of her magical grip and tackled her to the ground.

Or at least she would have, had Frank not teleported a few feet to the left and Ember missed completely, instead crashing into Amethyst’s filing cabinet and sending papers flying everywhere.

The following shriek of dismay could be heard for miles around.

“Heh, sorry Ammy.”

Amethyst’s eye twitched rapidly before she blinked and glared daggers at Frank, who actually looked slightly dismayed for a brief second.

“I’ve had just about enough of you!” Amethyst yelled as she pulled herself free from the filing cabinet.

“That goes double for me!” Ember took her stance next to Amethyst, preparing to jump Frank again.

Frank grinned again. “Thou cannot catch Frank! She is too cunning!”

They jumped forward as Frank began to dance away.

For the next few minutes, anyone observing A & E Investigations, LLC would think a small earthquake was taking place inside the building. It shook, it wobbled, it even floated in the air for a moment before setting itself back down on its foundation.

At the end of the commotion, however, three ponies lay exhausted on the floor. Ember laid atop Frank’s back, hooves spread out across her back in a vain attempt to keep her in place.

“Got… “ She gasped. “You now… “ She gasped again. “Frank… “

Frank either did not hear her or did not care, as she was engaged in a battle of wills with the unicorn laying in front of her. The two ponies were fighting over a small coffee cup with a pencil inside. Frank would flip the cup over so it would balance delicately on the pencil, only for Amethyst to flip it back upright and place it on its bottom.

This battle of epic proportions lasted for about thirty more seconds before Frank suddenly sat up, sending Ember tumbling off her back. “We concede!” She placed a forehoof over her forehead in a dramatic fashion. “Truly,thy grit and determination cannot be surpassed! We acknowledge our inferiority and submit to you, A & E investigations!” Frank spoke as she trotted over, and collapsed onto their couch.

Amethyst and Ember looked to each other in surprise before looking back at Frank.

“You… give up?” Amethyst asked tentatively.

Frank merely flicked her tail.

“Just like that?” Ember blinked.

“Just like that,” Frank confirmed. “Now if thou would be so kind as to alert the authorities so that We may go to our cozy, if-ever-so-loathed, jail cell, We would be thankful.”

Amethyst prodded Ember in the side for a moment, and the two turned away from Frank to talk in private.

“This doesn’t seem right. No perp ever gives up just like that.” Amethyst motioned back to Frank.

“Well, most perps also don’t turn everything in Ponyville upside down,” Ember said, a frown on her face..

“True enough, but she doesn’t seem like a mental ward patient. And even if she was, I don’t think anypony like that could handle their magic so… masterfully.”

Ember blinked. “So what do you think?”

Amethyst’s horn lit and she levitated a pair of hoof cuffs and a magical inhibitor out of her nearby upside down desk. “Just in case,” she said to Ember before attaching said items to Frank.

Frank merely wiggled a bit and attempted to get more comfortable on their couch.

“Now, about calling the authorities,” Amethyst began.

“Wait!” Ember said. She walked over to Frank. “I think we need to know now…”

Frank shifted uncomfortably as Ember climbed on top of her. “Wait, what are you d— UNHAND US!”

Ember reached down with a hoof and grabbed the mask. “Finally, we can see who you are, you menace! And our foe is…” She removed the mask and gasped.

Amethyst moved over to look at Frank’s face. In Ember’s hooves was a mask, but on Frank’s face was… Another mask!

Ember looked at the mask she held. Then she looked at Frank. She shook her head. She looked at Frank. She looked back at her hooves. “Are you bucking kidding me?”

Frank cackled madly. “Oh, this is too rich! We shall remember this moment!”

Ember threw the mask away and yanked the mask off Frank’s face. She pulled her hooves away and stared at yet another mask. She gasped again and repeated the process. Over and over, Ember kept revealing more masks.

Frank smiled smugly. “Hast thou given up yet?”

Ember wailed and jumped to the floor. “Yes! Ammy, just call the police! I can’t take this insanity any more!”

“No need for that, miss. We’re already here.”

A tan stallion in a blue officer outfit and sunglasses strode into the office, followed by a grey stallion in the same getup.

“What?” Amethyst jumped and turned around. “How did you know to come here?”

“And why are you wearing sunglasses at night?” Ember added, pulling herself off the floor. She had obviously already forgotten her dismay at the mask situation.

Amethyst smacked her. “Priorities, Ember,” she growled.

The stallion grinned. “We didn’t.” He nodded towards Frank on the couch. “She lead us here. You may recall the apple stand that the suspect and your partner defiled.”

“Oh yeah.” Ember giggled. “Seriously, who does that? Just leaves out an apple stand in the dead of night?”

“They don’t,” the grey stallion answered. “It was a control; a lure for the suspect. It worked, though we weren’t expecting you two as well.”

“Of course, a control!” Amethyst slapped a hoof to her forehead. “How did I not see that?!”

“And, ma’am.” The officer turned to Ember. “Sunglasses are cool. At any time of the day or night.”

Ember giggled.

A few minutes later, a barred police wagon was pulled up to their door. After carrying Frank outside, she was promptly thrown in. “This one’s been ahoof for a while.” The stallion pulling the wagon spoke up. “Suspect was wanted for tampering of property, disturbing the peace, and public unrest.”

Frank stood in her prison. “And We would have gotten away with it too! Were it not for you meddling fillies!” With that, the police wagon spurred into motion and disappeared down the street. The two remaining officers turned to Amethyst and Ember. “Thanks for your help, ladies. Expect the reward in the mail sometime tomorrow. Have a good night.” The two stallions turned and trotted off into the night, leaving a stunned Amethyst and a smiling Ember.

“Did he say… ?”

“He did!”

The two mares trotted rapidly in place for a moment before they shared a hoofbump. “Reward!” they said simultaneously.

Afterwards, Amethyst placed a hoof to her muzzle and yawned. “Well, I don’t know about you Ember, but I think I’m going to grab my things and head home for the night. I’m utterly exhausted.”

“Likewise, Ammy. See you tomorrow morning?”

“Definitely.” Amethyst nodded. “Feel free to take your time too. We’re going to need all the shut eye we can get.”

“What’s this?” Ember put a hoof to her ear. “Ammy actually encouraging tardiness? Whatever happened to that ‘if you’re not fifteen minutes early you’re late’ bit?”

“It’s begging for sleep, like the rest of me.” Amethyst said, yawning again. Ember giggled.

“Okay, see you tomorrow Ammy!”

“Bye!” Amethyst trotted into her office, in a good mood for once. However her ears splayed back against her head upon seeing the warzone their office had become once again. “Ugh, this is going to take weeks!”

***

PONYVILLE POLICE DEPARTMENT HOLDING CELLS, 11:4 AM

Amethyst straightened her fedora while she and Ember waited at the desk in what passed for the Ponyville County Jail. Although the small town featured countless emergency situations, numerous chaotic emergencies, and the most insane list of past disasters to have ever decorated a town or city of any size in all of Equestria, the town had never suffered from a large number of criminals. As such, the ‘jail,’ which was really just a holding area until perpetrators could be taken to an actual jail in Canterlot or some other city that actually featured a criminal element, was small, understaffed, and had more holes than Ember’s book of coupons back at the office.

Ember sniffed beside her. She scratched her mane beneath her beret and turned the page of her magazine. Amethyst poked her partner in the ribs. Ember looked up at her. “What?”

“So, Ember. Pop quiz. Is a jail really a jail if the only guards on duty are a sleeping old stallion at reception and a single green mare who jumps at every shadow in the building?”

Ember giggled and Amethyst saw her eyes travel around the room. The pegasus took in the napping white-maned stallion who grunted, giggled, and drooled at his desk, the unlocked door to the holding area itself, and the aqua-coated mare inside the holding area who gazed warily around the room.

“Ammy, she’s blue, not green.”

Amethyst glared at the impudent grinning mare. “You know what I mean.”

Ember giggled again. “I know, I know. I guess it really isn’t a jail, is it?”

Amethyst shook her head. “Actually, it’s still a jail. just a really bad one. I just hope that they manage to hold onto Frank… She’s on an entirely different level from these ponies. Celestia, if we get in there and she’s not there, I’ll be—”

Ember stuck her hoof into Amethyst’s mouth. “Ammy! Don’t do that! You know what happens if you say stuff like that! Words have power! You could make it happen!”

Amethyst batted the other mare’s leg away. “Have you been reading those crazy magazines again? I told you, Smooze isn’t returning, Princess Cadence isn’t a Changeling in disguise, at least not anymore, and the Word-Faith movement breaks so many laws of physics that you… You just have no idea.”

Ember gasped. “Smooze is returning?!”

Amethyst facehoofed. “Luna dammit, Ember…”

“Ahem…” the elderly stallion behind the desk cleared his throat. “Visiting hours began forty minutes ago. Do you want to go in or not?”

Amethyst’s head swung to face him. “We’ve been waiting here for forty minutes for no reason? Seriously?”

The stallion nodded. “Eeyup. You might want to hurry, though. Visiting hours end in twenty minutes.”

Ember’s jaw dropped. “What? Are you pulling my leg right now? Why would you even say visiting hours? That’s just one hour! And what do you guys have to do that would not let us visit, anyways? You have, like, one pony in here, and she’s… You’re asleep again, aren’t you?”

The stallion sat with his head flopped backward in his chair. His snores echoed through the room.

“Forget it, Ember.” Amethyst stood up and walked over to the door. “I’ll take what we can get.

Ember grumbled and followed her. “Stallions… Geez.” She rolled her eyes as Amethyst walked through the unlocked door.

The blue pegasus guard jumped into the air in fright. “Eep!” She raised her spear.

“Woah, calm down there, buck-o.” Ammy flashed her badge. “We’re the P. I.’s who assisted in apprehending this criminal. We’re just here to talk to her before they haul her sorry flank off to Canterlot.”

“Oh!” The mare dropped her spear and quickly snapped to attention and saluted. “Uh, ma’am yes, ma’am!”

Amethyst sighed. “Ya know, you aren’t supposed to salute me. I’m not your boss or anything…”

The mare gazed at her, confused.

“Whatever.” Amethyst continued down the hallway.

“Eep!” The frightened guard shrieked again, and Amethyst turned around just in time to see Ember smack the spear out of her hands.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A GUARD? WHY, IF I WERE YOUR DRILL SERGEANT, YOU’D BE BACK IN MILITARY KINDERGARTEN FOR THAT AWFUL SPEAR MOVEMENT! AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN SALUTE ME! NO, IT’S TOO LATE NOW! DROP AND GIVE ME TWO THOUSAND! THAT’S AN ORDER, GRUB!”

Amethyst slowly banged her head against the wall as Ember finished her monologue. Her partner walked toward her and away from the guard, who was now busy doing pushups as quickly as she possibly could. Ember’s face seemed fit to burst as she contained her giggles.

“That wasn’t nice, Ember.”

“Yeah, but it was hilarious! Besides, they made us wait for forty minutes! I could have been napping! Or at the spa! Or napping!” Ember adjusted her scarf indignantly.

Amethyst shook her head. “Just… Oh, that’s enough, guard! She was joking!”

The guard eeped once more and stood back up. She looked down at the floor and hugged her spear to her belly.

“Let’s just see Frank and get out of here…” Amethyst shook her head.

The hallway wasn’t very long, and it wasn’t too hard to figure out what cell Frank occupied. It was the only one that had a closed cell door. Amethyst rounded the corner and looked into the c—

“Oh. My. Celestia…”

“What? What is it, Ammy?” Ember asked. She trotted over to the cell, but Amethyst stood in her way.

“Um, Ember. I just want you to know that a single incident of some crackpot theory being correct does not prove that the said crackpot theory is correct. Please don’t confuse correlation with causation…”

Ember cocked her head. “Uh, okay… What’s this about, Ammy?”

Amethyst sighed. “I’m going to have to write a strongly worded letter to Mayor Mare about her security…”

Ember rounded the corner and Amethyst heard her gasp. Amethyst shook her head, sighed again, and turned her gaze back to the cell. The upside down, completely destroyed, and ever-so-very unoccupied cell.

“I told you, Ammy! I told you not to say it! You totally jinxed it!”

Amethyst pushed the door open. The hinges had been flipped, so the lock was completely ineffective. It seemed as if the entire room had been lifted up and flipped completely over. The bed was stuck to what was now the ceiling. The toilet had fallen from the “floor” and broken pieces of porcelain were scattered about the “ceiling.” And, finally, the wall opposite the entrance had been completely blown open. All that remained was the barred window. Attached to the bars was a single paper note.

“Ember, look at that…” Amethyst walked over to the upside down window that had somehow survived whatever Frank had done.

Ember trotted over to her. “What does it say?”

Amethyst grabbed the note and read aloud, “‘Dear friends, we greatly enjoyed the previous evening. We even liked the short stay in this jail cell! The sweet mare outside the door is so sweet, and yet very easy to frighten! It was a simple matter to fool her into turning off the magic neutralizer! After all, it makes the most terrifying noises, wouldn’t you agree?’”

Ember gasped. “The fiend! How dare she?”

Amethyst shook her head. “‘Anyways, as much as We would love to stay and face trial, We do have duties that require our attendance. But worry not! Thou shalt not be bothered by us again. You truly have saved Ponyville from the wrath of the mighty and majestic Frank, the Obsessive Compulsive Disorderer! That name has grown upon us! We shall see thee again, however. And maybe next time, you’ll actually be able to take off my mask! That, would be nice, wouldn’t it, yellow one?’”

Ember huffed and shook her head.

“‘Oh, and before We forget! We need a villainous catch phrase! ‘Better luck next time, sweetflanks! Just kidding! Thou canst not catch Frank! She is too cunning!’ How was that? Eagerly awaiting your response (hehe), Princess L Frank, the Obsessive Compulsive Disorderer. P.S. Ignore that last crossed out part. We would erase, but our pencil is subpar.’”

Amethyst glared at the paper. “I wonder what that crossed out ‘Princess’ means? And what about the ‘L’?”

Her thoughts were interrupted, however, as Ember fell to her knees and shouted at the top of her lungs.

“FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!”

****

CANTERLOT CASTLE, SEVERAL HOURS EARLIER

Inside Canterlot Castle, a shadow crept. It snuck past the night guards, made barely a sound as it crossed the marble floor of the main hall, and moved swiftly up the stairs.

Only upon reaching a particular door, did the shadow realize its mistake. As the door was pushed open, a creak that could have woken the dead reverberated through the small hallway. After a quick flash of magic it was silenced, but the shadow was sure somepony was awake by now.

It quickly slipped through the door before anyone could see it. There, mere inches away, lay the objects of its desires. The royal bed.

With another flash of magic, the shadow shed its disguise. A long, majestic mane flowed freely from the shadow’s blackened figure. The blackness that made up its body fell away, revealing a pony underneath adorned with lunar regalia.

A few more adjustments to make her wings reappear, and to make the color of her eyes change back to normal, and the shadow was none other than Princess Luna.

She sighed, but it was a happy sigh. A small smile adorned her features. Her horn lit up the darkened room with her bright aura, and the mask that covered her eyes lifted from her face. Luna carefully set it back into one of the drawers underneath her royal mirror, then turned to surrender to the blissful embrace of sleep for the night.

What she received instead, was much different.

“Lu-Lu! You’re back!” With a burst of confetti and a bright flash of light, the spirit of disharmony appeared before her.

Luna panicked, then quickly tackled Discord to the floor.

“Wilt thou keep it down?!” she hissed. “We do not wish to wake Our sister!”

Discord blinked before vanishing from her grasp, then re-appeared in the air above her. “Oh relax. Don’t think I ever lay my stakes on the table without a back-up plan.”

Princess Luna narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously. “What dost thou mean…?”

“Let’s just say that our ‘fair’ Princess may have found a little extra something in her dinner this evening, and will be getting some well deserved extra sleeping time.” Discord summoned a bed, covers, pajamas, and a nightcap as he spoke, pretending to sleep. He even sucked his thumb.

Luna took a second to process this before she blanched, then took an aggressive step towards the draconequss. “Did thou…drug our sister? This does not look good for your ‘reforming’ Discord!”

The bed and nightgown disappeared with another white flash, and Discord stared at Luna indignantly. “Oh Luna, you don’t truly think I’m so unimaginitive that I have to resort to drugs do you?” Discord stroked his beard. “On second thought, Discord’s ‘Behavior Altering Chaos Pills’ does sound fun… And marketable!”

Luna snorted. “Did you drug Our sister or did you not?”

Discord rolled his eyes. “Honestly! It’s not my fault that she has a cake problem!” Another flash, and Discord was dressed in a white lab coat, holding some sort of bubbling potion. He held another potion over it. “Most ponies would notice if their pastries had a masterfully but oh so diabolically engineered potion in it!” He let a small drop loose, and the mixture exploded in his face, leaving it blackened.

“So you did drug her!”

Discord flashed back to his normal self. “Potions aren’t drugs! It says so in the Dictionarisaurus!” He summoned a book with the word ‘Dictionarisaurus’ on the cover, as well as a pair of reading glasses. “Let’s see here, potions, potions, potions… aha!” He presented the page to Luna. Where he had marked his claw, the word ‘sleeping potion’ was defined. The text read ‘100% not a drug!’ along with a picture of Discord giving a thumbs up. “So she might be asleep for a few extra minutes… or hours… what’s the big deal?”

Luna rolled her eyes. “So a sleeping potion. Fine. But We have another question for you.”

Discord threw the book and glasses out the window, accompanied by the sound of a crash and a shrieking cat. “Oh?”

Luna levitated her mask out of her drawer, holding it up for him to see. “Did thou enchant Our mask? Our chase buddies tried to remove the mask from us, but…” Luna scrunched her face up. “There was just another one.”

Discord grinned. “Well, it wouldn’t have been any fun if there wasn’t any risk, would it?”

Luna cocked her head. “What dost thou mean?”

In another flash of light, Luna and Discord were sitting in a movie theatre. “Imagine being a humble citizen of Ponyville for a moment, would you Lu-Lu?” An old black and white film began playing, showing a pony with Discord’s face plastered onto it walking into his home. “Imagine, you’re just coming home after a hard day’s work, only to find—” The pony Discord’s face in the movie contorted into one of a horror, and the text ‘Oh my goodness!’ came up on the screen.

“That all of your belonging have been compromised! All of your organization, gone!” The pony Discord’s face turned into an angry frown.

‘Who is responsible for this?’ came up on the screen next.

“Obviously you’d want retribution yes, vengeance, yes? And you seek it, only to find...”

The real Discord appeared on screen in a flash of smoke.

‘It was me the whole time!’

The pony Discord merely chuckled and shook his head. ‘Oh, you.’

Several copy Discords in the audience began to boo and throw fruit at the screen, and in another flash they were back in the castle, albeit with a much more confused Luna.

“It’s not any fun for anyone if there’s no risk, Luna.” Discord bopped her on the nose.

Luna stood still for a moment. “Wait… So, it was impossible for Us to actually be discovered… And that means that there was… not no risk? So there was risk?”

Discord nodded sagely. He floated into the air and started drinking from a pineapple.

“But… But… Isn’t that no risk at all for Us? Wouldn’t that ruin the fun for Us, by thy own reasoning?”

Discord laughed and threw his pineapple under the bed. “Oh, Luna. You’re so silly. You just don’t understand, do you?” He patted her head softly. “There was risk because you thought there was risk. If there had been no risk and you knew that there was no risk, the risk wouldn’t be there! But if there was risk and you thought that there was risk, the risk is yours, not theirs! But if there was no risk and you thought there was risk, there was risk! But there wasn’t, so the ponies had risk as well, because the risk lay in the lack of risk to you, which you interpreted as risk, so you both had risk! It’s perfect!” He flopped onto her bed and put on a pair of sunglasses.

Luna stared at the wall. She rubbed her head with a hoof. “Our head hurts now…”

Discord laughed. “Oh, you silly princess. Here, have a pamphlet. I’m teaching a seminar!” He tossed a sheet of paper to her. On the front was a picture of Discord sitting at a desk and holding an apple and a pointer. Behind him was a blackboard with an A+ on it. ‘Chaos Theory 101: Pretty Much Most of the Stuff You Wanted, But Did Not Know That You Wanted, To Know! Now In Real 3-D!’

Luna tossed the pamphlet away. “We still don’t get it.”

Discord sighed melodramatically. He fell backward onto a chaise lounge that appeared in the air. “Oh, Luna. Allow me to spell it out. If you were caught, would they ever punish you at all?”

Luna shook her head. “No. We are the ruler of the night, and it would be— Oh…”

Discord clapped slowly. “Exactly. There would be no risk to you. You’d get a slap on the wrist, just because you’re a princess. But if they couldn’t figure out who you were, you could be arrested, or even put on trial! It makes the whole deal that much sweeter!”

“Well, why couldn’t you just have said that instead of the whole ‘risk’ monologue?” Luna huffed.

Discord cackled. “Because.”

Luna scrunched her muzzle then shook her head. She levitated her mask back to its rightful place. “Okay… but what if they were to discover Us at a later date?”

“Also covered.” Discord blew on his claws and rubbed them on his fur. “You’ve got a disguise spell on you Lu-Lu. Nopony will ever know it was you. They look at you, and the hamster wheels inside their brains just don’t turn!” He snapped his claw, and a sleeping hamster inside a wheel appeared beside him. “They just can’t figure it out!”

Luna blinked again before smiling smugly. “Huh. Perhaps We were unduly harsh on Our chase buddies, then. If thou hast enchanted us, then their ignorance of Our identity makes sense…” She nodded to herself. “Very well.” She trotted past him, but Discord followed, hovering in the air slightly above her.

“I suppose you’re worried that everyone might find out about your soul crushing defeat by the Lord of Chaos, on the grounds of our little wager?”

Luna cast a smirk back at him. “Oh yes, Our wager. You wanted to weave everypony’s dreams for the next month, yes?”

Discord nodded eagerly before snickering. “I long to see the look on Celestia’s face when she’s tap-dancing in a tu-tu before a theatre of buffalo.”

“We are afraid you will have to keep longing, Discord.” Discord’s snickering turned into a confused frown as he looked down at Luna. After a moment, he exploded into laughter again.

“Oh Lu-Lu! Always the jokester! You cannot truly expect me to believe that you managed to meet the quota for ‘maximum chaos’ on the very last day, can you?” Luna’s smirk did not falter. After a moment, she turned and trotted away from him.

“Perhaps thou should go see for thyself!” Discord stared after her for a moment in disbelief before shaking his head.

“Fine, maybe I will!” He vanished from sight, then appeared again above Ponyville square. “Lousy Moonbutt, thinking she can out-chaos the chaos… king…” Discord’s jaw hit the floor, literally.

The centerpiece of Ponyville, the grand statue of princess Celestia, was completely inverted, balanced upon its pristine horn. All around the town square, shops had also been turned onto their roofs, and teams of ponies were working to flip them back over. Oddly, a restaurant was the only thing that was untouched. Ponies ran to and fro in the streets to help where they could, but it was obvious it was going to take a while. A frustrated groan came from a certain purple pony as she strode into Quills and Sofas to see the merchandise in its inverted state, and further towards the edge of town a small building named ‘A&E Investigations’ had its papers, desks, and other pieces of furniture scattered about the inside. With a growl, Discord teleported back to the palace.

“I refuse to believe you caused that much chaos! How did you cheat?”

Luna giggled slightly. “The lord of chaos himself accuses Us of cheating? My, we must have done a very good job.” After another growl from Discord, Luna cleared her throat. “I believe part of the grounds for ‘maximum chaos’ was causing somepony else to wreak chaos, correct? You may thank one of our chase buddies, Ember, for that.”

Discord’s face was beginning to turn red. “And the excessive chaos for one pony?!”

“We do believe you saw the building A&E Investigations?” Luna smirked. “We think that the pony named ‘Ammy’ will be working on that mess for quite a while. And we reached the quota for ‘maximum chaos’ in the town, it seems as though it takes the whole town to undo what We have done to it. I’d say that is quite chaotic, wouldn’t you?”

Discord made several disgruntled animal noises before he crossed his arms, turned away from Luna, and sat on the floor.

“I guess that means you win…”

Luna brushed her mane aside and put a hoof to her ear. “We are sorry Discord, Our hearing is not what it used to be. Could you repeat that?”

“You...” Discord bit his tongue, then sighed. “You win.”

Luna pranced around the room happily. “Huzzah! Perhaps thou will think twice before challenging she who has made nobles make preparations both physical and mental when they paid a visit to our castle when we were still young.” Luna giggled. “Ah, the jokes we pulled…”

Discord slowly began to slink out of the room, until he was caught by a blue aura.

“And where dost thou think thou is going?”

“Oh poo.”

~Later that night…~

“... and so, as we can see, if we were to route some of the yearly rainfall from the poor sector over to some of the more wealthy sector of Fillydelphia, our economy could see a .5% rise! Is that not fascinating, Princess Luna?”

“Tis! For I am Princess Luna, and certainly not pretending to give a buck just so thou departs from our presence!”

“Odd... your sister said the same thing...”

‘Princess Luna’ robotically nodded her head, and simply smiled back, as she always did. Behind the throne however, a certain Draconequus was making a drawing.

...Well, he had already made a drawing of a stick figure noble eaten by a swarm of parasprites, but that was besides the point. This drawing, he had a good feeling about it. It was brilliant, the perfect plan he needed to get revenge on Princess Luna, and the pony that had helped her. The one she called ‘Ember’.

“This...” Discord grinned as he held up the drawing. “This will be fun.”

Author's Note:

Epilogue and final A/N coming soon! Special thanks to Derpator and RainbowBob for prereading! Give them backrubs!

Comments

[SIGAWESOME]

I was playing a silly game of "keep-away tag" with my nephews and nieces this weekend (aged 3, 3, and 4). I imagine "Frank" feels the same way about Amethyst and Ember what with the massive difference between their respective ages and magical ability.

Over and over, Ember kept revealing more maks.

That word is not in my dictionarisaurus...

[Doccular42]

5612642

Haha, I bet! Thanks for the catch, too!

~Doc

[Flutters Is Shy]

All the backrubs!

[The1templar]

This was amazing.

[Shire]

You never fail with this. Great job, enjoyed every word of it! Can't wait for the final part!

[Christovski]

How does this story only have 57 likes?! Needs moar.
Wonderfully funny. While I generally dislike romace in fics, Ember and Roseluck are freakin adorable in this.
Can't wait to read the next part