A&E: The Case of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorderer

by Doccular42

Prologue

The pale light from the moon shone down upon a grungy alleyway. The wind blew an old, rotting trashbag across the ground. A cat screeched off in the distance, but the mare in the silver fedora paid it no mind. She focused her eyes upon the alleyway before her, raising her head as her gaze moved down the alley, across the street, and into the nightclub that lay beyond.

The night was perfect for a stakeout.

The mare tilted her head to the side as she listened to the blaring music and loud cheers coming from within the building. She took a step forward, her trenchcoat billowing in the soft breeze as she reached for her—

“I’m so boooooooored, Ammy!”

Amethyst Breeze, Private Investigator, sighed, removing her fedora with a frown. “Ember, I told you that you could wait back by the restaurant, but you wanted to be here for the action.”

A pale yellow pegasus flapped over beside Amethyst while glaring at the unicorn. “Yeah, for the action. Not for you standing around like some heroic action… hero…” Ember finished lamely.

Amethyst snorted. “And you call yourself a smooth talker.” She reached to the device hanging around her neck and lifted it to her eyes. The binoculars clicked as Amethyst’s vision zoomed, narrowing down to look through the window of the dingy bar.

Inside sat several stallions, many mares, and even a few foals. A family bar, Amethyst noted. That would make things a bit more difficult.

“So, uh, are we just going to stand out in the open? It’s kind of chilly out…” Ember shook her red mane while she adjusted her beret and pulled her ever-so-chic scarf tighter around her. “Oh, and it’s also kinda conspicuous, two mares standing in an alley all creepy-like.”

Amethyst growled. “Fine.” She coolly strode out onto the sidewalk that bordered the main road. Then, quick as a flash, she slipped behind a bush and crouched confidently. She turned to the other mare, cocking her head to the side.

Ember took her time as she sauntered over to the private eye. A passing stallion turned his head and gave a long whistle. Ember tossed her mane back and blinked her long eyelashes at him before reaching Amethyst.

“Okay, when we get back to the office, you are so going to have to look up the definition of ‘stealth,’ because I’m pretty sure you have no idea what it means!” Amethyst hissed.

“'Stealth: Cautious and surreptitious action or movement.'” Ember smirked. “I know what it means. I just don’t need to employ it. Have you even seen my mane? Stallions eat it up!”

“Grrrr…” Amethyst pointedly ignored her partner as she resumed gazing into the nightclub. She lifted the binoculars up to her eyes once more.

“Okay, it looks like we’ve got a couple bouncers at the door… Barkeep has a buzzer under the counter… You can tell, just by the way he keeps glancing over at that drunk guy and how he’s positioning himself at the bar. He’s uncomfortable and antsy. Couple of stallions in there, but I don’t see our guy yet…” Amethyst gazed about the room, eyes set in total concentration as every bit of her willpower focused in on—

“Is it my turn yet?”

Amethyst groaned as she smacked her hoof into her face. “Ember. Use your brain and exercise your Celestia-given right to remain silent.” She looked back into the bar.

“...Your face’s right to remain silent…”

“What was that?”

“Nothing!” Ember smiled brilliantly, blinking her eyes.

Amethyst resumed her scan of the club. “Not him… not him… not him… Wait, I think that’s him!” A gangly yellow earth pony stallion came into her view, and her binoculars froze on him. “Orange mane. Freckles. Really thin. Stupid dorky hat and vest. It’s our stallion.”

“Sooo… does that mean that it’s my turn? 'Cause you really need to practice your sharing more. Now’s as good a time as any!”

Amethyst lowered the binoculars and took a deep breath. “Ember, this isn’t something to take lightly. Mrs. Cake trusted us with finding out about Mr. Cake’s nightly excursions, and it is our responsibility to ensure—hey!”

In a split second, Ember had swiped the binoculars from Amethyst and started hovering several feet above the bush they were supposed to be hiding in, her wings flapping lightly. She blinked.

“Is that him? I can’t imagine why any mare would want a piece of—” Amethyst yanked her overly enthusiastic partner’s tail using her azure magic. She dragged the startled pegasus back down into the bush with a yelp.

“Keep it down would you?” She said in a harsh whisper. “This is supposed to be a stakeout! You raise your voice any louder and you’ll give away our position!”

“Seriously! You messed up my tail!” Ember whined, dropping the binoculars to clutch at her slightly messed-up hair. “Aww, now I have to re-curl it when we get back to the office…” She glared at the unicorn. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Amethyst rolled her eyes, ignoring her friend’s plight as she secured the binocular’s strap firmly around her neck and raised the binoculars yet again. She narrowed her eyes and watched as Mr. Cake sat down at a table across from a pink poofy-haired mare.

“I think I might have something,” Amethyst mumbled, clicking the binoculars a few more times. “She’s facing away from me though. I can’t tell who it is.”

As Amethyst watched, the pink mare leaned across the table to whisper into Mr. Cake’s ear. Mr. Cake scrunched his eyes up before nodding. He reached around behind him to put a small bag on the table. The pink mare bounced up and down suddenly and put another bag on the table. Amethyst could tell by the way it sagged that the bag was full of—

“Bits,” Amethyst said. Suddenly, Ember jerked her hard to the side, forcing her to press up against the yellow pegasus as she took the binoculars by force. Ember looked through them, nearly choking Amethyst.

“Oooo, a conspiracy!” Ember said, sporting a grin now. “Things are heating up! I wonder what they’ll do next.”

Amethyst struggled for a moment before pulling herself out of the strap. She frowned deeply as she adjusted her fedora back onto her head. “Yes, well, in any case we need to figure out what’s in that bag. Bits probably, but maybe something else that he's giving to our mystery mare.”

“Mystery mare no more! I know her! That’s Pinkie Pie!” Ember said, continuing with her goofy grin as she leaned forward. “Mr. Cake is hittin’ it with the Element of Laughter! Yeah, that’s it, lean in closer… Ooh...”

Amethyst took the binoculars back, tucking it into her trench coat as she smacked Ember on the back of her head. “Keep your mind on the mission, Ember. Did you even hear a word I said?”

“Get the bag from Pinkie Pie, yeah I heard you,” Ember grumbled. “You know, if we just wait a little bit and catch them in the heat of the moment… That would probably work best for us!”

“Mind on mission. Not in gutter. Anyways, we need physical evidence to strengthen our case,” Amethyst said, turning towards the bar. “Give me a second to think.”

Amethyst considered her options. The target still sat in the booth, sorting through his new bag of whatever illicit materials he had just procured, while his contact, accomplice, marefriend, or whatever walked away from the booth and sat at the bar. She sorted through the bag with an inane grin on her face.

“Okay, here’s the plan. Right now, all we have to go on is what little we’ve seen. We don’t have proof, and we don’t know anything that we can bring to the client. And if somepony hadn’t dropped our camera, I wouldn’t have to suggest this, but I think we have to—”

“Wasn’t my fault… It was that stupid rock…”

“—we have to get whatever’s in those bags.”

Ember did a double take. “Wait, what? Like, steal them?”

“Yes, steal them. I know, it’s wrong, and we could get in trouble, but—”

“This is the best case ever! Usually you yell at me whenever I suggest taking something, or knocking somepony out, or drop the camera, but this time I get to take stuff, and you’re telling me to do it!” Ember fell to the ground and giggled like a filly. She then stood up and dusted herself off. “So, do you want me to seduce him and get his stuff?”

Amethyst looked at the other mare, totally unamused. “No. You’ll take Pinkie. We’re here to prevent infidelity, not cause it.”

Ember nodded. “You’re right. This flank is just too sexy and tempting. Better to seduce Pinkie instead.”

Amethyst facehoofed once more. “No. Just… no. Get the bag, and get out. I’ll handle Mr. Cake. No seducing, no snogging, and no knocking anypony out. I’d tell you not to break the camera, but it’s too late for that.”

Ember pursed her lips. “Spoilsport.”

“Just get the bag and I’ll stall our suspect.”

“Fine.” With that, Ember headed for the bar and Amethyst raised her binoculars, this time uninterrupted.

Ember was able to get in through the front, Amethyst noticed. She made it past the bouncers, or low-paid sleepy security stallions, as the case may be, with a casual flick of her mane. They opened the door right up for her. At the same time, the pink pony stood up from the bar and started walking for the exit. Perfect. She turned her gaze just in time to witness Mr. Cake heading for the back exit. She lowered her binoculars and crept toward the back door.

Pinkie Pie was bouncing to the door, a happy yet oblivious expression on her face when Amethyst saw her suddenly bump into somepony, causing the contents of her bag to spill out all across the floor.

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!” Ember said to the party mare, bending down to pick things up with her teeth.

“Aw, it’s okay,” Pinkie said, beginning to pick things up as well. “Sometimes, bumping into ponies is the best way to make a new friend!”

Amethyst smirked. She may be annoying at times, but Ember could get the job done when it counted. Amethyst cracked her neck as she gazed at the front door. She stood up against the wall, the light from the streetlamps blocked by the building next to her. The detective smirked again… and waited.

A moment later, Mr. Cake stepped out the back door, turning to leave but stopping as Amethyst’s shadowed figure approached him. “Mr. Cake, I presume?” Amethyst asked. She could tell exactly what the stallion was thinking. Noticing her silver fedora and trenchcoat silhouetted against the faint light from the lamps. Trying to recognize her, but failing. Fearing.

“Y-yes, but who’s asking?”

A badge suddenly levitated out of the mare’s pocket—covered in an azure magical aura as it presented itself. “Amethyst Breeze, Private Investigator. I recently set up shop here in Ponyville. I’m just curious as to what a family stallion like yourself is doing at a family bar without a family at this time of night,” Amethyst said, cocking an eyebrow. “Seems kind of strange.”

Meanwhile, back in the bar Ember had almost finished picking the contents of Pinkie’s bag up. “I really am sorry though Pinkie, I can be such a klutz sometimes.” She batted her eyelids at the earth pony, who seemed to not notice, until—

Pinkie’s sudden gasp caused Ember to take a step back. At first, she felt afraid that she’d been caught, but then Pinkie was an inch from a face. “You know my name, but I don’t know your name! Are you new here in Ponyville? Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie! But I guess you already knew that. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe we have another new pony! I mean, I thought something was going on because I got a twitchy eye the other day and my Pinkie Sense never lies, but anyways, how would you like it if I threw you a welcome to Ponyville party?”

Ember blinked a couple of times and tried to process everything the hyperactive pink mare just said before giving a smile. “Um... sure?” And with that the mare was gone. Ember blinked a few times, before looking down at the bag she managed to pick up before Pinkie. “Doesn’t matter, got what I wanted.” She grinned. “Darn. Didn’t get to do any seducing though… Ammy’ll be pleased. Drat.”

Back in the alleyway, Mr. Cake backed up against the wall beside the door. “There’s nothing strange about it!” Mr. Cake said as his eyes jumped back and forth between Amethyst and the open alleyway behind her. “I just had some things I needed to take care of.”

“Some things. You know, back in Manehattan they are a lot less tolerant of cheating stallions.” Amethyst smiled grimly as she saw her words take effect.

A look of horror spread across Mr. Cake’s face. “Cheating? What? I would never!”

“Oh don’t play coy with me, Mr. Cake,” Amethyst said, poking a hoof into his chest. “We saw you in there! Mrs. Cake hired us to find out what you’ve been up to, and I’d say a meeting with the Element of Laughter in a family bar in the dead of night qualifies as ‘suspicious!’"

“What?!” Mr. Cake said, looking angry now. Amethyst took a few steps back as Mr. Cake stammered. “You’ve got it all wrong, Ms. Breeze! All I’m really doing is—”

And then the door opened, smacking directly into Mr. Cake’s face and rendering him immediately unconscious.

“Ammy!” Ember yelled, holding the door open with her hoof. “I got the goods! Did you—” She glanced behind the door all of a sudden, letting out a low whistle. “Wow, Ammy, you really did a number on him! I thought you said no knocking anypony out though. Not fair...”

Amethyst simply stared at Ember for a moment, her eye twitching slightly as she resisted the urge to facehoof.

“J-just… Let’s just get him down to the office. Might as well ask him some questions…”

***

“I still can’t believe you knocked him out…” Amethyst closed the office door behind her as she dragged the slumped body of Mr. Cake into the office.

“Hey, it was an accident! Anyways, you were supposed to knock him out! I guess you shouldn’t trust a unicorn to do a pegasus’ job.” Ember leaned up against her desk while examining a slightly chipped hoof. She met Amethyst’s glare with a grin. “Seriously. Get your head in the game, Ammy. Or in the gutter and out of the mission, as you said earlier.”

“That’s not what I—Oh, never mind.” Amethyst leaned the poor stallion up against a wall. “Anyways, I was never going to hit him! We don’t do violence! Violence isn’t the answer!”

Ember blew out a snort. “‘Violence isn’t the answer.’ Listen to yourself! As Sun Zoo said in his masterpiece, The Art of War, ‘If violence isn't the answer, you’re asking the wrong question.’” The pegasus nodded sagely.

For the third time that night, Amethyst slapped her forehead with her hoof. “I don’t even know how to reply to that…”

“There is no reply. Sun is the master, especially if you read it in the original Saddle Arabian.”

“He wasn't even Saddle Arabian!” Amethyst shouted, slamming a second hoof to her forehead.

Ember gave her partner a quick hug and a smile. “Aww, it’s past somepony’s bedtime! Widdle Ammy, are you gwumpy when you’we tiwed?” She pinched the unicorn’s cheek.

“Just… go talk to the client while I set Mr. Cake up in the interrogation room…”

“Alrighty!” Ember skipped off into a side room, leaving Amethyst to stare down at the drooling stallion.

“Sweet Celestia, why does this always happen to us… Or at least to me…”

She dragged Mr. Cake and set him down on the stool inside what passed for the team’s interrogation room. A single table, with two chairs on one side and a stool on the other, sat in the middle of the room. Three of the walls were bare, but the fourth bore a one way mirror, behind which would be seated Mrs. Cake.

“Alright, Ember. Let’s get this show on the road.” The pegasus strode happily into the room and slammed the door.

Amethyst grabbed a cup of water from the table and splashed it into Mr. Cake’s face. He sputtered, coming to wakefulness.

“Welcome back to the land of the living, Mr. Cake,” Amethyst said calmly with a serious expression on her face as Mr.Cake looked around wildly.

“What…? How did… Where…?”

“We’ll be the ones asking the questions, Mr. Cake. It’s simply your job to answer.”

Mr.Cake blanched for a second before sputtering and pointing a hoof at the two mares. “You assaulted me! You knocked me unconscious!”

“Actually, that was a door,” Ember spoke up, looking sheepish. “And an accident. Didn’t know you were on the other side. Sorry.” Amethyst glared at her, but she continued anyways. “But that’s not why we’re here! What we want to know is why a married stallion is out so late at night seeing other mares?”

Mr. Cake froze in his seat, some sweat beginning to form on his brow. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t been seeing other mares…”

“I suppose you wouldn’t know anything about this either then.” Ember threw a bag onto the table, causing Mr. Cake to gasp. It made a sound akin to coins shifting around onto the table. “Where did you get that?! I gave that to—!” He quickly covered his mouth with his hooves.

“Pinkie Pie. We know,” Amethyst spoke up, levitating a bag next to her. “And she gave you this in return, didn’t she?” She tossed the bag onto the table alongside the other bag. It made barely any noise as it touched the table.

“Those could have come from anywhere…!”

“Oh would you just cut the crap?” Ember spoke, suddenly slamming both hooves onto the table as she leaned forward to look Mr. Cake in the eyes. “Just be a stallion and own up to what you’ve been doing! That’s at least a lot more interesting than playing a clueless coward who’s afraid to look his own wife in the eye, isn’t it?!”

Mr. Cake shifted his gaze nervously back and forth between the two mares before finally letting out a wailing cry and shouted, “OKAY, I ADMIT IT! I’VE BEEN PLANNING A SURPRISE ANNIVERSARY PARTY FOR MY HONEYBUN WITH PINKIE PIE FOR WEEKS NOW! I JUST WANTED TO MAKE HER HAPPYYYY…” He erupted into tears about halfway through his shouting.

Amethyst nodded her head, smiling at the stallion. “See, isn’t owning up to what you’ve done better tha—” She paused for a moment as her brain took a moment to process everything he had just said. “Wait...what?”

Ember blinked, before withdrawing herself from the table, and uttering “...Oh.”

Suddenly, the door to the interrogation room burst open as Mrs. Cake galloped in and embracing Mr. Cake in a massive hug.

“Ohhhh, Sugar Bear! I should’ve known better than to doubt you! I am sooooo sorry!”

“I’m sorry for being so secretive honeybun! I should’ve let you know what I was up to!” The two held each other for a long time, exchanging nicknames for each other and looked on the edge of tears.

Amethyst turned the bag with the coins upside down… And a huge pile of Monopoly money fell out. “Wha—”

“Pinkie was giving me the invitations tonight, but she wanted that toy money that the babies had taken to play with back in return! She said she’d been reading some spy novels and wanted to set up a big spy meet, so I decided to humor her! Oh, I’m so sorry Sugarbooger!”

Amethyst grimly emptied the other bag too. A pile of pink invitations bearing the huge words, 'YOU’RE INVITED!' spilled out. “Oh boy.”

Ember looked like she was about to vomit as she gazed at the two slobbery ponies across the room. She stayed silent for a moment, but she seemed to be mustering up the strength to ask something.

“...So... we still get paid right?”

The two broke their love fest for a moment to speak to each other in hushed tones before turning to the two mares.

“No!” They both shouted in unison, causing Amethyst and Ember’s ears to fold back against their heads.

“Poop,” Ember said, kicking at the floor with her hoof and receiving a punch in the side from Amethyst in turn.

Comments

[Doccular42]

Are the comments broken? Let's find out!

Edit: Guess not! YOU LIED TO ME, TGM!

[Dragonis999]

nice story i admit i was interested in the concept of it

[Derpator]

Why doesn't this have more views? This is a great setup, and after reading that first chapter, I'm liking those OCs. Although I constantly had to remind myself which one was Ember and which one was Amethyst. Looking at the cover, it's pretty obvious now. They have a great connection in this, I thought, and I'm looking forward to seeing what other mishaps they get involved in. Will Ember seduce someone? ...I'm actually hoping she will, crazy as I am.

Overall, looking forward to more. Put it in my favourites to keep track.

[Shire]

This needs more views. Overall, 10/10 for the both of you guys. I honestly love Ember in this, can't wait to see the 1st chapter for the story!

[The1templar]

“You’re right. This flank is just too sexy and tempting. Better to seduce Pinkie instead.”

That's awesome.

[FortuneWriter]

Well. That was oddly satisfying. I'll have to actually read the rest of this tomorrow.