An Exceptional Discovery On The Nature Of Pony Names

by L Pondera

But You're Ready For This Geiger

Geiger awoke in the musty bed, and for a single minute in simple bliss, had forgotten everything. It wasn’t until his bruised flank was tested, that he was able to recall how deep in trouble he was. All because he got a lucky break. He just had to make the discovery, then destroy it. He was actually beginning to wonder what was the worst they could do with that information?

Before he could actually consider the possibilities, there came a knock on the door. Though, when he checked the door to his room, using his magic as he was glued to the bed out of fear, he found no one. Listening carefully, he was able to discern that the knock was at another door down the hall. He didn’t want to leave the room and run the risk of being spotted, or that the one knocking was a guard. So, using all the stealth a scientist who couldn’t sneak up on a rock unnoticed had, getting up and opening the door, he peered into the hallway, and seeing no one, gathered his pouch of bits, and a mini soap bar, snuck out of his room and headed downstairs. Oddly enough, he encountered no one, and was able to sign out on the clipboard at the main desk, and leave.

Things were going smoothly. For any pony with the slightest bit of common sense, it would seem to be going too smoothly. For a paranoid scientist? It should have been an obvious trap. But for Geiger, it was magnificent luck. And as fortune would have it, for the most part, that’s what it was. Having not been caught by a guard or noticed by a concerned civilian as he left and trotted about the street. Though unlucky for him, he was being watched very carefully, with the hope he would turn himself in.

Geiger was still considering that option, and just cooking up some fake research in the hopes that he could end this madness, all without having his research used wrongly. That and avoiding having his brain melted. That would certainly be great.

“How can I make up some convincing scientific research? Is that even possible? Bah, it would be better to just get out of here. Flee Equestria, and start anew, maybe teach some zebras how to do science, step out of that tribal voodoo.” Geiger was rambling to himself.

“That’s offensive Doctor.” Scribe said as she trotted up next to him.

“AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! BLAZING FIRE FROM THE SUN!” Geiger shouted as he leapt to the side. “WHY SCRIBE!? WHY!?”

“Um… sorry? Didn’t think you’d freak out. I’m sorry. But you were saying some offensive stuff.” Scribe replied, enjoying the moment, even if she was a bit embarrassed.

“Offensive? What? You phased out of oblivion and nearly frightened me death!” Geiger replied, trying to regain his composure.

“Zebra voodoo? It’s a bit primitive sure, but it’s a science they refer to as alchemy. The voodoo part is just part of the medicine, a touch of mental assurance is all. And it is honestly more pleasant than some of the things we’ve got.” Scribe said, standing tall just to make sure she made Geiger feel as ignorant as possible.

“Ok, that was harsh. But you must understand. Knowing how and why so much of that stuff works, then hearing it explained like it is some sort of trick. It offends science. And it offends me!” Geiger said, trying his best to stand taller than Scribe, to counter her powers.

“Scientist… Look, just don’t go around saying stuff like that. It is bad enough that you’re the worst at fleeing justice, but now you’re a speciest?” Scribe said not impressed. Geiger was actually shorter than her? Who knew!

“I’m not a speciest, its just… Look, what they do… They use science, but claim its some supernatural magic beyond even unicorns ability. Its rude! They lie about what they’re doing, then they claim they’re better than me? That they can do something I can’t, just because they say some words and shake a rattle, all while wearing silly mask!” Geiger huffed as he began trotting off again.

“Oh, this is personal. I get it. Though, I do believe they know things we don’t. Just because zebras have this kind of silly way of thinking. They see things differently. So, they understand differently. We have a magic they cant grasp, and they have an intuition that’s beyond us.” Scribe was saying, figuring the Dr. had something of a bias.

“Oh, so you’re an expert in the way of zebra? You must know everything then! Ok then, why don’t you just report to Celestia and tell her all about my research. Save me the trouble!” Geiger snapped, getting rather flustered.

“I’m no expert Doctor, but I know enough. I don’t know what happened, but I understand that you oppose the zebra method of science, since it doesn’t seem so… sciency? But, that doesn’t mean you can just unfairly insult them for it. Also, I don’t report to any of the Princesses, as I am just a humble agent of the Collections Department.” Scribe said, shifting to understanding, then back to chipper but devious.

Geiger froze in his tracks, causing Scribe to backtrack.

“I know… I know zebras are not bad… they certainly are not stupid. But that doesn’t mean they can just keep pretending what they’re doing defies explanation, that only some special words and ritual makes things happen. That things can’t be understood...” Geiger trailed off suddenly remembering his discovery. “Maybe some things shouldn’t be understood. Guess I’m just being a hypocrite at this point.” Geiger began to smile.

“Uh, you okay Doctor?” Scribe asked, actually expressing confusion as she tilted her head.

“My research… You know, your cute with your eyes crossed like that?” Geiger said, smiling at Scribe, losing his train of thought.

“Huh… Wait! What? I crossed my eyes?” Scribe said, taken aback.

“Indeed. Now, if you excuse me, I have to do something.” Geiger said as he took the opportunity to speed off before she could reply.

He was certain he was realizing something, an epiphany he had been ignoring, something he hadn’t understood consciously. What had it been? Whatever it was, it had to wait. For now, he had to buy some time, he had to make up some research. Now, where was that station again?

Geiger found it, but as expected, it was crammed full of guards on patrol, their eyes searching every pony that boarded. But not every pony that was getting off. This Geiger could use… WAIT A MINUTE? Since when has Geiger noticed these things? When has he ever made a thought out plan? What is going on here…

Geiger rushed up to the train shouting about forgetting his bag on the train, and though the nearby guard only spared him a passing glance, he had the conductor’s full attention. And that wasn’t good. As the conductor had not seen Geiger before. And when the conductor raised, rather loudly, the question of why he hadn’t noticed Geiger before, that’s when the guards started to pay attention. Geiger decided he heard a “friend” telling him they found his bag. Using that instant of confusion, Geiger slipped away.

That’s the Geiger I know! Whew, thought things were going to get… Anyway…

--------
Later!
--------

Geiger waited until the guards had switched, and the next train pulled in, to try again. He slunk along with the baggage handlers this time, then slipped inside the nearest car. He didn’t have a ticket, he didn’t have a cover, all he had was his non-scientific skill. The skill of being overlooked. Last time he boarded the train, he was a nervous wreck. This time, he was less nervous, since his luck had been incredible thus far. After all, nearly every mare and stallion had ignored him. Miss Scribe, she was certainly different from every other mare in his life. She was a stalker pretty much, though her interest was purely business.

What a business that was, the Collections Department was worthy of all the fear it generated. Even Luna’s night guards were welcome compared to a representative from collections. And now he was getting a good idea why. Just thinking about it made him woozy. Wait, he was really feeling the ground move beneath him. Oh, the train, right. Being in a baggage car made it difficult to tell what was going on around you.

Indeed, the train was moving, where, it didn’t matter. So long as he was on his way, he was sure to have time. Time he could focus on his fake research. As for the vigilant Collector Spyglass, losing sight of her target as he approached the train, meant that it was up to Scribe now. Which was ok with Spyglass, after all, Scribe was the best field agent she had ever seen, a true master of stealth and persuasion, and honestly;

“She’s terrifyingly good at getting close… too good at it. Just like she always was.” Spyglass mused, then thought better of thinking aloud about Scribe, never knowing when she might be listening. She didnt want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how impressed she was with Scribe.

Much like in the old country, she and Scribe once more found themselves working together. Only now the situation was very different. The location was especially different. As for them, were they different? The only change she noticed was that they were busy being incognito all the time. Hiding a past like so many of their long lost friends who now lived in Equestria.

-------------
Later Still.
-------------

Geiger was feeling rather hungry after an hour or so. And seeing how he had managed to make it this far, he was willing to push it further, after all, he could always just jump off the train… he wouldn’t be happy, but he knew he would at least survive it mostly intact. He was hungry, and knew that this train had to have a dining car… well he didn’t actually know if it did, but he was rather certain it did. Either way, he would have to leave the baggage car and get over to a passenger before it arrived at the next station.

Two cars later one of them having a busy kitchen, he was in the dining car, and it seemed he arrived right on time. Just as he grabbed a seat, the food carts were being ushered in. It smelled wonderful, and if his eyes were still any good, it was a nice carrot soup, with an assortment of fruits and salads. He even saw a gryphon cook sampling the closest salad.

He had heard of gryphons who had stopped eating meat in order to fit in better with ponies, eating more protein rich foods such as beans to make up for the lack of meat, now he was as much a biologist slash nutritionist as he was a geologist, and he was most certainly not a geologist, so he wasn’t certain how healthy those gryphons were.

“I sure hope you plan to turn yourself in at the next stop Doctor, the longer you run the less reduction of sentence you’ll get.” Moaned Scribe who had taken the seat across from him.

Geiger jumped in fright and very narrowly avoided screaming.

“Yep, its me. Once more.” Scribe said in a dry tone as she took a drink from a passing cart.

“Miss Scribe… Phasing out of oblivion still I see. Though I shouldn’t be surprised, you have a way of always knowing where I am.” Geiger said as he relaxed into his most normal yet still somewhat socially awkward composure.

“You missed a chance to turn yourself in, you do know that’ll cost you. Or are you still certain you can ‘cook up’ some faked research? Because I would love to see what you come up with.” Scribe said, slipping into her faux air of warm, kind and harmlessness.

“You heard that, well, I guess that means I can’t turn myself in, they already know I’ll just try to trick them…” Geiger sighed as he slurped his carrot soup.

“My, my, Doctor, what a faux pas, such rude noises in front of a mare!” Scribe said, dramatically leaning back and covering her forehead with a hoof, as if she might faint.

“Fancy talk for a blood sucking member of the Collections Department. Pick it up listening to all those fancy rich stallions prating on at your social occasions?” Geiger said intentionally waving his fore hooves around.

Before she answered, she levitated a book in front of Geiger briefly enough just to let him read the title. “A book on etiquette, just picked it up today. Yours isn’t the only case I am working. Also, I told you, its my job just to track you, and convince you to turn yourself in, not report what you say or do. I honestly want to see what you come up with. Now, I highly recommend you turn yourself in.”

“Now, before you say anything, listen carefully. The boss has ordered the Collectors in, and trust me, they are a nasty bunch. Ex-guard and alike, so they’ll be harder to trick than some bored sleepy eyed door guard. And with me on your butt, telling them where you are, you wont be able to hide long. So, with that said, you better not try and be slick, or they will bring you down harder than a manticore mid-flight struck by lightning hit’s the ground.” She gave him a wink before getting up and moving to the other side of the car, and just as cart blocked his view of her, then passed, she was gone.

“She has to be using teleportation or something… maybe she is invisible?” Geiger began thinking.

“You know… I know what teleportation and invisibility magic are like, I am after all a leader in the field of magic detection, so why have I not tried detecting her magic… Am I really so darn foalish as to forget I can even do that?!” Geiger face hoofed before returning to his soup.

----------------------
Immediately After.
----------------------

Geiger with a full stomach, set off to find a seat, and one crammed passenger car after the other, he finally entered a nearly empty car. Though a quick look told him why, in one seat was an angry looking gryphon, in another was a diamond dog muttering to himself, and the other one he could see was an odd zebra mare… well all zebras were odd, but even by those standards this mare was odd. She had a crow on her head, and around her neck worn like a necklace was a pocket watch. She was also surrounded by clay pots, some of which seemed to glow.

Geiger tried to grab a seat, only to find something large was taking up the space he was now laying on. Getting off and turning around to apologize, his words caught in his throat.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the lost colt…” The Celestia sized gray stallion said as he sat up.

“Hi… long time no see huh?” Geiger said nervously as he tried to back away, though one of the gray stallions large wings blocked his escape.

“What is the hurry?” The gray stallion said as he gave a smile.

Oh how Geiger wished he hadn’t done that, for behind the lips of the stallion, lay rather fierce looking incisors and canines, the kind of sharp teeth only a diamond dog, or dragon, would have. Certainly uncharacteristic of a herbivore. Though looking at the size of the almost certainly earth pony stallion before him, the bat pony ears and the equally impressive wings, Geiger didn’t know what was characteristic of such an anomaly.

“I suppose I could sit down… so long as you don’t eat me.” Geiger said, not sure if he would provoke the gray stallion with the joke, or ease the tension.

Lucky for Geiger, it was the later.

“Ha! Funny colt. Yeah, I wont eat you. I prefer mares anyhow.” The gray stallion laughed and elbowed Geiger at the joke.

“Good one.” Geiger said still a bit nervous.

“Don’t worry, I forgave you for interrupting my mates and I as we… did whatever we were doing… So no hard feelings.” The gray stallion said as he curled up and took up the seat meant for 2-3 ponies.

“Well, you actually got me out of a tough spot, so thanks!” Geiger said fully relaxing as he sat in the corner of his seat across from the gray stallion.

“Yeah, well normally I wouldn’t do that on purpose, but meh, what can you do?” The gray stallion said as he glanced out the window.

“So, uh… What is with this car? Don’t tell me everyone got stuck here because… well, because they’re so different.” Geiger concluded not sure how to put it.

“Pretty much. A mercenary like Butch Claw Reaver, the gryphon, certainly doesn’t fit in with the normal passengers, a diamond dog with something a keen to dementia is unsettling, and Yisha the zebra divining alchemist, well the name alone says it.” The gray stallion said as he eyed the zebra mare.

“Then you have me, the absurdly large ‘pegasus’… ech, who takes up plenty more space than is welcome. Kinda offended about it, not so much having to relocate, as I don’t care for crowds, but the whole ‘pegasus’ thing.” The gray stallion said, being more chatty than first expected.

“Well are you not a pegasus?” Asked Geiger, although he already knew that was stupid question.

“I suppose you’d think any striped pony was a zebra wouldn’t ya? Not everything is as it seems ya know. I’m part earth pony, part pegasus, and possibly something carnivorous, like a gryphon or even a manticore. My family tree is confusing. I don’t care to talk more about it, my point being, when something seems irregular for what you thought it was, that it quite likely isn’t what you thought it was. And stuff.” The gray stallion said as he kept waving a hoof around making all sorts of gestures.

“I don’t entirely follow, but I’ll take your word for it… uh… mister?” Geiger said as he prompted the gray stallion for his name.

“Just call me Sir… don’t care much for throwing names around.” Sir said as he returned to looking out the window.

“Well ‘Sir’, do you know where this train is heading?” Geiger asked, still confused with the gray stallion.

“You don’t know? Heh, musta stowed away onboard. Canterlot. That is the next stop.” Sir said as he continued to stare out of the window.

“Ah… oh.” Geiger said as he realized that he was heading closer to the treasury.

“Yep, fun.” Sir replied as he laid his head down and closed his eyes.

---------------
In Canterlot.
---------------

Geiger got off the train like every other pony, he kept his head down, and pushed his way through. Still thinking about what Sir had told him just before the train arrived.

(flash back wub wub wub)
“You’re a scientist huh? I used to be a scientist back in the Fatherland.” An odd accent surfaced when he said fatherland. “I was good at it, but then, I took a notice of selective service to the career. I was needed to help with the… pie throwing, yeah… that our people had been doing for some time, against some unkind neighbors. Many… cakes were dropped, and many… err… cupcakes were fired. It was a long ordeal, but it finally ended. With the w- err… pie fight over, I was finally able to get back to my work. Only, since then, my work was no longer needed, no more high exp- err, sugar pies, and no more armor piercing frosting for those cupcakes, though I wish I had made my yellow cake in time. So I left to pursue other scientific fields for something I could do. And that got me all the way to Equestria!” Sir concluded.

Geiger had held on to every word, with the same fascination he had when he was a student at the university.

“So, just like that, you left?” Geiger asked.

“Well, they wanted me to stay, but we no longer needed to make super pies to throw at each other. And I wanted to do other things. But I was the only one who knew a special recipe. So, I kinda took a vacation, just long enough to do my sciency stuff.” Sir said as he rubbed he neck.

“No kidding? I kind of know exactly how that is.” Geiger said, sliding back from the edge of his seat.

“Heh, my best advice then, don’t get rid of your recipe, there is a good reason you made it… or stumbled upon it, whatever. But, if you don’t want other ponies to use that recipe, afraid they might alter it, and make other ponies sick, hide it somewhere safe. And if they really, really, want your recipe, give them part of it, and let them work out the rest on their own. Just be sure it’s the safest and easiest part of the recipe before you do.” Sir said and he got out of his seat and stretched.
(back to present dub dub dub)

Geiger had since figured out, that all he had to do, was give up the most vague information on his discovery, throw in some logical conclusions, and with some luck, he could pull this off. And following in the wake of Sir, Geiger had snuck past the checkpoint, at least the guards checkpoint, but as Scribe said, the Collectors were after him now. And if they were even half as good as Scribe was at sneaking, they definitely had him in their sights. Even if they didn’t, Scribe was sure to tip them off, though considering her friendly disposition, she would wait until he had slipped into cover.

He needed time to come up with something, and he could use a nights sleep. Thankful to Sir for his help, Geiger bid him farewell, and took off in hopes of finding a place to stay. Though he had a place in mind, he was certain it was a bad idea.

--------------------
Across The Way.
--------------------

Wind Sock, a rather prickly looking pegasus, watched as a yellow unicorn waved at the largest thing he had seen that wasn’t a dragon or a princess. Though Shining Armor seemed a close fit. He was able to tear his gaze from the giant pony, and locked onto his target;

“A banana cart? But where… where did Geiger go? Darn it all, Spyglass and Frack wont let me hear the end of this. Thanks to Pewter though… we have the best possible pair of eyes looking out for him… if she gets done with that other job first.” Sock said to himself as he slowly flew back to the operations center the group had set up.

--------------
Iron St. 901
--------------

“I can’t believe my eyes… it’s the prodigal Geiger!” Berry Cart said as she smacked Geiger across the face with a hoof.

“Ow, I’m sorry Berry, I know I didn’t exactly leave under the best of circumstances, but I need your help.” Geiger said as he rubbed his face.

“Right. Just leave me all alone, all because of your stupid existential crisis, breaking my heart, then crawl back and ask me, ME! For something.” Berry Cart said as she scowled.

“Just a room for tonight… I’m sorry I- I know what I did was wrong, I just had to know. My whole life, it was the question that haunted me since I got my cursed cutie mark. Please, I beg of you, one night, I’ll pay for the room.” Geiger pleaded.

“Yeah, because I want you in my house.” Berry said as she crossed her fore hooves across her chest, sitting down and getting ready for act two of Geiger’s dramatic play.

“I mean it, I’m sorry. I just had to know. And I know this doesn’t help, but I always just felt like your friend Berry. I- I didn’t really think of you like that, but I agreed to our relationship… I don’t know, maybe because I didn’t want to let you down. I’m sorry.” Geiger said as groveled at her hooves.

“Celestia, Geiger, you are pathetic. But, you’re honest. Always were. Aside from the entire time we dated as a couple! But, whatever. I’ll let you stay, free of bits. But you will have to do me a favor.” Berry said as she gave in. Though she always knew deep down Geiger never really thought of her like that, she just had to hear him say it. And when he did, she really didnt have anything left to be mad at, after all, their relationship was short and awkward, right from the start to the end.

“Name it, and its done.” Geiger said as he was let in.

--------------
That Night.
--------------

Geiger rested on the guest bed, letting out a sigh as he tried to imagine what he had just agreed to. He owed it to Berry after all, she was the only mare friend he ever had, though, when she offered to become his “mare friend” Geiger had been shocked. He only ever saw her as a friend, and as such, couldn’t commit into the relationship. Though that wasn’t why he left, no, he had to get his answers. And seeing how he was still pretty young at the time, he was certain he could find the answer, and still have a whole future ahead of him, that was ten years ago…

“Nice place she has, only mare friend I take it?” Scribe said as she stepped in through the window.

“Gah!” Was all Geiger could say as he twisted in terror.

“Oh come on, aren’t you used to it by now?” Scribe said as she looked around.

“Who could possibly be used to this?” Geiger said as he stomped a hoof.

“You’re evading the question.” Scribe said as she went over and looked in the mirror hanging on the wall near the closet, trying to cross her eyes.

“She was, but we broke up a long time ago… what does it matter? And… what are you doing?” Geiger said as he watched Scribe.

“You said I crossed my eyes, it has been bugging me all day.” Scribe said as she tried to cross her eyes while still focusing on herself in the mirror.

“Right… Well, what is it you want?” Geiger asked as he sat back on the bed.

“Who was your friend? The one back at the station.” Scribe asked still focused on the mirror.

“Sir.” Geiger said, adding; “I thought you had other cases?”

“Sir… huh… And I still do, doesn’t mean I cant check up on you between them. After all, you’ve moved the most in the past day than half my other cases combined.” Scribe said as she gave up on the mirror and made her way back to the window.

“What do you care about the ponies I meet?” Geiger asked, as he began to scan with his magic for any type of magic Scribe might use to disappear.

“I’ve seen him before, real shady guy. Not from around here… just an old habit I suppose. Later Doctor, try and turn yourself in before noon, Collectors don’t like to wait, not unless its fun for them. And you’re pretty boring Doctor.” Scribe gave a salute before crawling out the window.

Unfortunately for Geiger, she wasn’t using magic, just skilled climbing. And with that disappointment out of the way, Geiger laid down, and shut his eyes. He had some careful work to do in the morning.

Comments

[L Pondera]

So, a huge error is what I have going on. I was able to edit some in the previous chapters, but cannot publish the new one. And I still have an error with the comments section of this fic. So who knows. Could be my browser, could be FimFiction, could be both. Might even be my saftey settings keeping notifycation pop-ups from appearing. In the end, I'm swamped with other things and holding out for a new PC. So until then.