dudebroofbroes
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Crack fic is win fic
Very yes
3893388
When Microsoft goes too far... I shall write a fanfic where a purple pony ends EVERYTHING!
I love the extreme reaction Twilight had to the computer. I also love the over-the-top exaggerations of common Windows errors, which made this story all the more funnier.
I simply love this!
3893414
Kiss for you.
And if you say you were being sarcastic, I will not take it back.
She's not the only one.
Words cannot describe it.
How I don't have a mob of angry villagers breaking my door down right now, I shall never know.
I got my new laptop last summer. The first thing I did was uninstall Windows 8 and install Windows 7. Because Windows 8, while it might be good for tablets, is not for computers. Not to mention how it just blares one-billion annoying internet stuff at you. And... well, everything else wrong with it.
Every other version of Windows -- ME, Vista, 8 -- stinks to high Tartarus.
I'm sure Star Swirl the Bearded anticipated this, back at the dawn of time.
Too little accuracy to qualify as funny.
Also, Windows 8 is the best version of Windows yet because:
...
That and online disk check for the Windows partition.
Could it be better? Yes. But it is not nearly as bad as people claim it is.
Oh Twilight, that is why I love you.
How to Avoid Being Killed By Windows 8
1. Boot up your computer or latop.
2. Sign in and let the menu screen load up.
3. Look in the bottom left and click on "Desktop".
4. Enjoy Windows 7, motherbucker!
3894107
......
I am actually considering it.
Twilight Sparkle REALLY hates Windows 8 2: The Revengeance!
Just so I can have a story with that title.
3894124
Please god, no....
8 is already a cluster fuck. PLEASE, MICROSOFT! JUST GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND MAKE A GOOD OS!
3894149
The terrorist tracker also features the ability to play X-Box on your TV, tablet, computer, and your own anus.
3894202
I used the pony words so I think it'll be alright.
Oh, sweet Celestia, I would hug you so hard if I could get to you right now! I buckin' hate Windows 8 (and now 8.1) so much that you have no idea!
Give me Windows XP any day of the week!!! (Which is what's on my desktop PC downstairs, and what will be staying on it, if I've got anything to say about it!
Sadly, though, Win 8 was what was installed on this laptop when I bought it refurbished off of ebay. I just wish that I could have something other than either one on it. It's Tartarus to figure out, and I usually don't have any trouble with a comp's OS.
Most of the time, I'm okay, but ever now and then, I hit the wrong key or button or something and I wind up having to totally shut this thing down and restart it. Which, if I'm in the middle of something, totally bites.
What I hate even more is that, with 8, the darned "Start" button, that's been in the lower left hand corner of the bottom taskbar, is nonexistent! I was having to shut down manually til I found a site where you can download and install one for free, which I then did. Makes shutting down when I'm done so much easier now.
And keeps my desktop icons where I put them which they didn't when I was having to shut down manually.
And I hate that you have to buy/subscribe to Microsoft Word to keep it now. (I've been getting pop-ups saying that I need to register the key to my current one, or I'll lose it as it is in like 26 days, or so. So I'll probably be downloading a copy of OpenOffice pretty soon, anyway. It's totally free, and has just as many features as Word does.) When I got my first desktop PC way back in July 2001, you didn't have to do that. ('Course...the thing came with a crap-ton of manuals and software, too, so...yeah.)
Before we begin, let me just say that I feel your pain. I got a windows-8 laptop for Christmas and, while I naturally appreciate it, there are times where I've wanted to smash it on one knee and gleefully bathe in its many, many pieces. Bloody windows 8, mate. This story is entirely accurate.
That is the first majorly positive thing about this. It is, at its core, a cry of relief for you and a beacon of sanity for those of us who have been tasked with babysitting out W8 laptops by sociopathic friends/family. It's really, really good just on those grounds… which unfortunately are flimsy grounds that have no real bearing on this critique. I just enjoy the shared anger at Microsoft. It's good to know, amongst the idiocy of the real world, there are still those sane enough to write vent fiction to live vicariously through a character while she does what you wanted to do.
Just think about that. You wrote this to live vicariously through Twilight Sparkle as if she were a self-insertion. That is almost creepy.
Anyways, the first matter of the day is the grammar. It's bad. Like, not really super bad, but up there on the scale of badness where it's notable as the first or second major issue with the story. Yeah, that kind of bad. Glad you understand.
Specifically, it's not THAT bad, but noticeable. Not specific enough? You seem to sometimes forget (or simply not know) the rules of punctuation and capitalization when applied to dialogue. Two quick examples of this.
Obviously, there isn't a lot of dialogue actually in the story, but the little there is gets mauled by vicious typos and a lack of… we'll get to that part next. For now, just know that your capitalization in some areas is solid, but needs work when it comes to the nitty-gritty stuff like dialogue, where the typically common rule of "Capitalize important stuff and the beginning of sentences" suddenly disappears in a puff of pink, noxious smoke that smells slightly of strawberries. There's some simple fixes there. Grammar can easily be mended by simply knowing the intricate rules of it. Also, the ellipses. Dear God, don't use ellipses unless it's in dialogue, and even then use them sparingly and properly. They have their own rules, and I suggest you look them up. Also also, it's more of a personal thing, but there is such thing as over-usage of exclamation marks in narrative. It's like a writer laughing at his own joke.
Secondly and most importantly is the style. It's the major turn-off on this fic and, unfortunately, not as easily mended as the rules of grammar. Style can be ambiguous, vague, indistinct, and depending on how you look at it, slightly sexy. What it isn't is a solid, obvious part of a story that most writers (Or readers, for that matter) recognize as good or bad. Most of the time it follows a simple "gut feeling" of what feels RIGHT, and a skilled writer knows automatically if what he's typing is worthless. While all of this is true, the style of a story can be bad while everyone thinks it's good. It's what a lot of fanfiction suffers from, and writers typically never know any better because readers also lack the capacity to recognize it.
Put in short terms, the style is bad. You have a severe tendency to tell - I'll get to what that actually means in a second - and it is especially relevant in dialogue. Rarely is there a proper "he/she said/exclaimed/whispered" and, instead, there are lines like this:
While I understand what you were trying to get across here, it doesn't work due to the execution. It's boring, droll, and made me want to skim. Never let your readers skim. Skimming is a sign of failure incarnate. Or a lazy reader. Sometimes it's both, but whatever. If it helps, I've always stuck to the idea of punishing skimmers by using a pratchettesque style - most of the time, anyway. Small jokes and witty, carefully crafted narrative can make all the difference when it comes to hooking in readers for the long haul. Perhaps not important for a short story like this, but it's still important.
Other than my list of major concerns, the story itself is pretty by-the-book and not too surprising. "Twilight destroys the universe" is in the description so the surprise that comes with the comedic effect of "And then Twilight freaked out" is gone, and the lack of surprise ruins the comedy. That doesn't mean it's not a solid comedy in itself, though. If it weren't spoiled by the description I would've hailed it as being a brilliant move, which means that in the context of just the story itself, it IS a brilliant move. It's a good story, with a good idea that people can relate to… at least anyone with Windows 8. For a first story, it's a heck of a lot better than most of the drivel some of the so called "experienced" authors on fimfiction can vomit out. If you want to keep doing these, you're on the right track.
and now for the linkparty! Any good critic will have a bunch of helpful links stored in his bookmarks, so that when somebody asks: "Well what IS _____ exactly?" they can hand over the link and reply, "this dude explains it better than I will." This is that part.
#1 This is just in general a helpful tool. It's not perfect, and by no means an actual replacement for an editor, but it's good for overall-views of your writing. It might surprise you when it says the most uncommon word you used most in the story (And in the case of this review) was "story" followed by "bad". Don't let that get you down, though. It has a lot of helpful hints and can spot some last-second errors you/your editor missed. http://auto-reviewer.appspot.com/
#2 This is a link to one of the most helpful things I have when it comes to capitalization, which most writers, especially fanfiction ones, struggle with. Consider it your capitalization-bible. http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp
#3 Last and literally the opposite from the least, this short little essay has the answer to the biggest question in all of amateur writing: "What is Showing?" I'm sure you and anyone reading this critique have come across it, scratched your head, and moved on. It's not as amorphous as reviewers and other authors make it out to be when they say: "You need to Show more." The concept is very literal, but what exactly it is happens to be canned in this beautiful, helpful link. http://foremostpress.com/authors/articles/show_not_tell.html
As a last message, good luck with any future endeavors. Since I am a critic representing Ehbpt and critics are apparently restricted to providing understandable answers, it is my duty to provide the following.
Rating: Slightly Below Average. 1/10.
Have a nice day!
3897809
Alright. Thanks for the tips.
I wrote this in one day out of pure annoyance since my laptop decided to ruin my entire day with constant network freezes. But that is beside the point. I kinda had a feeling like my grammar wasn't the greatest, but I saw some mistakes that I had no idea how they got past me.
But thanks for bringing this up!
I'm trying to get better at writing, so stuff like this is highly appreciated!
And you are not able to hear it, but I am squeeing at such a high-pitch that my dog is currently fraking out, since the story wasn't total hippopotamus ass. Yes. I meant to say fraking. BATTLESTAR FOR LIFE!
3898003 np mate. I feel you there. One time I was in the middle of playing D&D over skype and my laptop decided it was time to shut off for updates without warning. By the time I got back I was lucky everyone wasn't killing eachother.
As for everything else: keep on writing, brutha. Nobody improves without knowing what to improve on.
yikes. just, yikes.
3898728
Yikes, as in the story is bad? Or yikes in how far I made Twilight go?
how far you made twilight go. I never thought someone could drive her past the edge of insanity in a story with such a good reason. I commend you for your representation of pure rage.
3900813
I shall take that commendation with pride. People must learn the horrors of Windows 8 before adorkable alicorns end the very universe itself!
10/10.
Would Magic Ball of Death.
3901203
IGN: 10/10 "It's like Skyrim with ponies!"
the power of god is yours twilight.what will you use it for?...YOU DESTROYED THE UNIVERSE YOU MORON!
Windows 8 IS NOT as bad as everyone says it is. I recently got a new tablet with 8 on it and I love it, it just takes some getting used to but after that it's not bad at all. I really can't see why so many people hate it.
3964932
you got a TABLET not a computer it REALY bad on computer. like the story said its a ipad/tablet wanna be.
Dude, I wrote a story EXACTLY like this one. Almost.
Check out "The Elements Of Harmony Get A Firmware Update", by me.
Alright. I'm going to point out ALL the bullshit wrong with this while typing it on my Windows 8 laptop.
1) The internet is fine on it, assuming you are putting your problems into a story, your internet be shit, bud, or you got a defective product. Either or.
2) Metro start menu is better, just takes some getting used to.
3) Processing power goes to store becau.... actually, I agree with this one.
4) I have never had 8 crash once. 7 crashes more than it.
5) Skype has never done that to me. It's always my friend's shit internet that does that.
6) You need to pay for word becau.... this one is obnoxious too.
7) You can't use the desktop while using media player be.... Ok, this one can be avoided. Assuming you're using it to listen to music, just use grooveshark or some other music playing website to use the desktop with it. If you're using it to watch a movie, why the hell would you staring at the desktop listen to a movie?
I must batten down the hatches. Scrubs are going to bombard me with hate for the superior operating system
This is totally how I felt when getting Windows 8. Then I was forced to get used to it since I'm not capable of destroying the universe
5384712
Join the club...