This is a story about the earth pony called Blue Hoof. Since she was a filly, she had studied the skies and have always wanted to fly. After watching pegasi for years, she decides to take action. But how far does Blue Hoof go? Does her mind get it right or not?
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*looks at fics cover art* Oh god i know were this is going *braces for feels or overwhelmingly depressing story*
just for good measure the plural for Pegasus is Pegasi, Not pegasuses
i'm going to make a list of things that make this story bad as i go along and read it.
This is a story about a earth pony called Blue Hoof. - no really? couldn't have gathered that from the description. first sentences need to have hooks.
pegasuses- hungrybear beat me to it
no indentations anywhere- your story is one block of text
Pony Ville- it's called Ponyville
After a quarter- a quarter what?
piece-peace
pleasing Princess Celestia and herself- pleading? i'm not sure
To get own my own pegasus wings- ...
. You must be able to control balance and courage- courage? i'm not sure what you meant to say here
"Well, a spell I know and I already have done, is to create fake wings out of vax. So they will melt if they're too long in the sun, though, they're very useable and good. Rarity tried them as you can remember." Twilight explained even more.
"I couldn't... because I was on the ground.." Blue Hoof said like Twilight were and idiot. - why would blue hoof even know what twilight was talking about?
shoutet- ...
ok, i can't do everything. this is taking too long. just the highlights now
"It says, if it come in contact with water, the wings will turn into mud. All because of that the atoms and cells in the wings can't handle H2O
- lets just say i won't be commending you for your technical explanations, or dialogue
Blue Hoof throwed the knife in Fluttershy's face. She fell to the floor. Instant kill. - pretty ballsy, killing off fluttershy. doesn't change that this is just awful prose.
so yeah, get an editor, or a pre-reader, or someone to look over your work. you had a good concept, but ruined it with atrocious writing, and a lack of serious editing. if english is not your native language, i would recommend having someone who is VERY fluent in english look over your writing.
336434
Hello there.
I'm Swedish and my grammar isn't perfect. Okay?
I accept that you don't like the things I do, I don't even know you. But do you really have to be so picky about it?
If you don't like it, just don't tell me all the faults in it. But I'm thankfull that you stand up, and tell me your critic though.
I like writing. I like doing my fanfics. But I'm kinda new into it.
336358
Oh thank you. I thought it sounded kinda wrong with "Pegasuses" anyway. XD
336839
in that case, you did all right. i should stop assuming everyone's a native speaker.
yes, i'm very harsh sometimes. but if it makes people write even just a little bit better, then i'm happy.
if you want someone to edit (or be a pre-reader for) your writing, send me a message, i might be able to help. again, you had a good concept, and i would like to help you turn that into a good story.
337442
Thank you. Well actually, I think my grammar sounds very weird sometimes too. And actually it did. This is the first time for me to actually post a fic on a site like this. And I'm thankfull that people can critic and correct me too. Because if I write something else, I think of these things.
Yeah - a pre-reader would be good for me. But I didn't know anyone that had English as their native language. I do know few people, but I doubt that they don't want to do the job.
Thanks anyway.
Great story. Only bad thing was that you KILLED OFF FLUTTERSHY!!
But she`s also happy for the suicide.
P.S: Why did Blue Hoof make Twilight jealous?
342658
Lol. xD
If you mean the end, she was jealous of Fluttershy because she had wings. So she was happy that Fluttershy was finally dead, though, I like Fluttershy xD.
349472 Oh, OK. Thanks for clearing that up.