A bit dark... It's an OK story. Tracked.

>>331905331905 Thank you, first time I've ever done something like this. It will get better with time, already working on the 1st chapter.

Well, I'm officialy interested. Tracked

Does this have ANYTHING to do with my story "Just Progress, My Friend"? It seems sorta similar. I don't want this to be one of those moments where you got the idea from me, or I copied my latest chapter from you.

Otherwise, me gusta!

>>331966331966 I can honestly say I've never heard of that story. I came up with this story idea a few months ago, let it roll around in the old noggin for a while and then this popped out! Hope I'm not stepping on anyponies hooves here.

And thank you.

Some pretty good writing. The time period for the tank in the image is even correct. Tracked.

Thanks! I love history, and I'm a bit OCD when it comes to making this historically accurate as well. So I doubt you guys are going to be disappointed in that department.

Not a bad beginning. I just have to point out that you have a lot of run on sentences. Other than that, pretty good.

>>332078332078 Ya I have that problem. Guess I will need to watch those. Thanks for letting me know. English was never my strong suite, odd that I love to read. One would think I would pick stuff like that up!

I'm intrigued and somewhat excited by the prospect of Mark I tanks showing up in Equestria's green pastures.

Definitely tracking this!

A Pony on Earth fanfiction that's more than just a My Little Dashie spinoff?

And it's Dark?

You don't see that too often. Tracking, possibly favorite depending on how it develops. You have a great writing style, and while not the best build up ever for a prologue it gets the job done, and it does it well. Just don't rush things. If you can break a 3,000 word chapter into two separate chapters and go into more detail with them, possibly making each 4,000 words, then by all means do it. This has serious potential.  

I Am Tank!

Bow before my treadliness and massive guns!

This is a very interesting story, and I can't wait to read about it. There are some sentences that need to be revised and towards the end it doesn't really flow as well as it could, but it is good nonetheless and has great potential.

Thumbs up and tracking

I saw just a couple errors:

even when a pony was sitting right next to her, much to the determinate of said ponies hear abilities.

Do you mean hearing?

“No, not in Luna’s or my own life times, however this magic is not benign, it is full of darkness, fear, sadness and… hate,

Hmm, My grammar nazi'ness maybe misleading me, but maybe that comma should be a period.

“No, not in Luna’s or my own life times, however this magic is not benign,

In my opinion, you shouldn't mention  Luna's life time since Celestia would have encountered more as she is the older of the 2 and was also not banished to the moon for 1000 years. Just my thoughts though.

----------------------------

Now time for my review:

Hmm, this story seems interesting just the right amount of dark for my tastes thus far in the story. And the idea of Equestria entering the 20th century seems fairly original. And from the tank on the cover art I would say you are going with WWI era combat or sometime shortly after.

I will enjoy reading your story.

>See that tank

>Immediately think "What's a Leman Russ doing there?"

>Notice it's a WW1 Tank

>I play too much 40k

Looking good so far. I'm going to track this and see where she goes

love the concept also great summery, tracked

I'm going to track this and decide whether to like and favorite it once it continues.

Hmm that description is tempting, I will be looking forward to reading it tomorrow =P

Cool, this has already caught my attention. Tracking

This oughta be good.

First World War?  And Ponies?  Assuming that they're going to fight the humans, I don't think the ponies could win even if they managed to remember how to fight.  Too many French and British Soldiers (I assume they're the allies/British because of the Mark 1), not to mention shells, 'splosions and, my favourite of all, GAS. Though you've probably already thought up the answer to these problems, haven't you?  

Hmm, historically accurate, you say? I'll hold you to that. I am myself obsessed with history. This story looks like a good one, I'm tracking it.

As an unrelated question, who do you say killed the Red Baron: Roy Brown, or unnamed Australian gunner?

>>332094332094 I see what you did there

>>332353332353 Those are very good points, I can't believe I missed them. Thank you for pointing those out. I might have to go back later and edit it if I can. If I can't oh well. Just have to do better next time. Thank you for the constructive criticism. It's hard to believe I've got this many people already tracking/favoriting the story!

>>333038333038 Just have to wait and see.

>>332184332184 You like my writing style? And don't anypony worry. I'm taking my time, I've seen what happens when a author rushes his/her story. Not pretty.

>>333084333084 Yes please, hold me to it, this goes ditto for everyone, you see something that might be non historical let me know. Also it was an Aussie machine gunner who killed him, they had a show about it on PBS a while ago. Sorry Roy.

I don't know if I'll actually follow this, maybe it will catch me when it hits the full plot, but I do have one big suggestion for your writing.  You must break your paragraph whenever a new character begins to speak.  For example:

Luna looked towards the balcony doors and replied, “Nor have We dear sister, it felt so... alien, We do not believe it is of our world.” Celestia nodded and replied, “I believe you are correct and if that is indeed the case then where did it come from and what is its purpose?”

Should turn into:

Luna looked towards the balcony doors and replied, “Nor have We dear sister, it felt so... alien, We do not believe it is of our world.”

Celestia nodded and replied, “I believe you are correct and if that is indeed the case then where did it come from and what is its purpose?”

The reason for this is that most people will glance over the part of the sentence "character said" because it just isn't that important a clause.  So, if we skip over the "Celestia nodded and replied" clause, we will think Luna is still speaking (which looks very strange and pulls us out of the story to figure out what is going on.

>>333310333310 Thank you for your advice, I will make the necessary changes for the next chapter.

Great idea you had there.

I am currently working on a very similar story, about the Discord bringing himself and some ponies into 1918, into the North Russia Campaign.

(Storyception! )

What you've written is very good, although a bit more macrocosmic than my thing.

I am looking for some cooperation with other interestees at the moment, too.

Good luck and good fortune.

>>337063337063 Thanks same to you. Although now that you mention it it is kind of a big project. I wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if people did spin offs of this like they did with Fallout-Equestria. Who knows this might be the start of something big!

WW1 pony cross over?

They better not kill Hitler by mistake. (He was in the German army.)

That would mess everything up.

>>337494337494 Hmmm, that is a thought, now how would I best be able to write that into the story?

>>337509337509

Oh you.

>>337525337525 I was kidding,  *Spoiler alert!* I have no plans to 'off' Hitler. And that is all I will say on that subject.

>>337639337639

Meh, magical ponies, History is messed up as it is.

>>337308337308 My Little Great War.

I can see the headlines already.

*And according to my lawyers, I have never heard or seen anything relating to or corresponding to the name War Horse*

>>338684338684 Ah, good old lawyers. Though out here between the fabric of space and time we really don't need them.  

Bravo! This is great!

>>341214341214

WIth an avatar like that, I can't tell whether your telling the truth...

Okay now I'm confused.  I'm just trying to see where the Americans fit in to all of this...   Unless...  Unrestricted Sub-marine warfare!

Quote is from 20000 Leauges Under the Sea

Also, this is quickly becoming one of my favorite fanfictions.

>>341438341438

It says it's 1908 so...

thats not for a bit yet.

Wait? i was under the impression that ponies averaged about 3-4 feet tall. when did this change?

But yes. this is an amazing story. Another wonderfull chapter.

I had doubts when I read the prologue, but they have now been assuaged and I am hooked.  The premise reminds me of the 1632 series, which isn't a bad thing at all... it'll certainly make for an interesting read.

Impressive...so this is just at the preface of the First World War? Nationalism rampant and such...hmm...when the other nations of the world find somewhere new to exploit there will be hell...

>>341645341645

Pfft, heh I uh, I knew that, heh...  ( then proceeds to hit himself with a shoe over missing out the part where it says 1908)

But in all seriousness I meant as in relation to what happens to the sailors during the war.

Also I personally prefer Clemenceau (They don't call him the Tiger for nothing).

>>342099342099

It's okay, we all forget things.

Wait, maybe a U-boat will visit.

And to be fair Clemenceau was an idiot, yeah seperating Germany into small states, cause that really worked in 45.

But that's off track.

This is a good concept. The ssentence structure doesn't flow well at times and the dialogue seems a little akward, but it has alot of potential.

>>341214341214 Thank you!

>>341738341738 For the purpose of this story I felt that it would be necessary to give them a height boost. Just to make it a little more fair. And thank you!

>>341830341830 Well I'm glad I could deliver! And yes it is a little bit like the 1632 series. With a little bit of The Great War series thrown in for added flavor.

>>341967341967 Yep, yep!

>>342272342272 Thank you. Yeah I'm not the world's best writer but I try. If it wasn't for Microsoft word this would be a lot worse believe me. I might be looking around for a proof reader/editor soon, if I can't get the hang of this.

>>342099342099 You'll just have to wait and see!

>>341614341614 And we have a winner folks! Okay Raz you know the drill just shoot me the OC that you want me to put into the story. With as much detail as you can about the character and I'll make it happen! Remember the more detail the better the chance of your OC to remain in the story longer.

>>342352342352 Woo! Sent you the PM with the details.