My Little Pony: The Next Generation
Canterlot Wrap-up
It was an early morning for the touring ponies, as they had a train to catch. The relative silence of the castle’s guest suite was broken by the hubbub of ponies taking inventory of their possessions and packing them away. Soon, everypony but Claire was finished and ready to go, until Applejack made a rather unsettling discovery.
“Where’s Golden Delicious?” Every head in the room whipped up and began scanning the room. When the search of the lounge resulted in nothing, the ponies searched each individual room. He was not here either, and the search expanded to the entire castle. After this fruitless effort, the group split up to search Canterlot. They checked just about everywhere they could think to go: the golden apple, the shops downtown, even the quaint little café. When it was obvious the group was out of ideas, they returned to the castle to plan further. Soon, the new plan was ironed out. Prism and T would search from the sky, Star would take the ground with a photo and ask around, and Annie and Claire would remain at the castle to send up a magical flare should Gold return. Once everyone was clear, on their roles, Gold came strutting into the suite with a box on his back. A myriad of questions were immediately flung at him, so he decided the best thing to do was simply tell his story.
Gold was awake before everypony else, as was the norm for him. He decided to make the best of his lead and pack up first. This was easy, as he had only brought some toiletries and formal wear, just in case. As he finished, he realized that he was hungry. This lead to another thought: Candy never got those doughnuts she wanted. He quickly scrounged up what bits he had and snuck out. He was greeted as he left the castle by the warm but humid summer air. He took a deep breath, then began walking again. He reminisced as he walked, thinking about the trip so far. They had a lot of fun in Canterlot, and this was only the first stop. Imagine what they would wind up doing by the end of the tour. It was gonna be awesome! He was pulled from this as he approached Doughnut Joe’s. Even though they had just opened, there was already a line forming around the block. This was a good sign in his eyes, as he had come to associate large demand with quality. That’s why Sweet Apple Acres gets so much business, he rationalized and took his place at the back of the line.
He still had plenty of time, as the train didn’t leave for a few hours and Claire would probably still be packing when he got back. The line grew shorter and he grew closer to the counter over the course of about two hours, but it felt like days. While he was quite accustomed to tedium, his mind ventured to the list of things these ponies could be doing instead of waiting in line. It’s a wonder anything gets done in the city he thought, and soon found himself ordering. He simply ordered two dozen of the best doughnuts they had. Within minutes, he was walking back to the castle with a box on his back and a smile on his face. He opened the door to the guest suite, and was met with shocked glances and loud questions, rather than the happy faces he hoped to see.
“So you had us all worried sick over doughnuts?” Applejack asked sternly, still not quite down from her worry.
“I hadn’t expected to be gone so long,” he retorted calmly. “And I figured y’all would appreciate the gesture.”
“We do,” Fluttershy began, “but you really should let somepony know where you are. We would have no idea what had happened if you really did go missing.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Gold replied dejectedly, “Now, let’s eat these darn doughnuts!” the entire crew grabbed a doughnut, starting with Pinkie Pie and Candy, who each took a long-john. Candy had almost come to terms with the fact that she would not get to taste these world-famous confections, and yet here she was. It was as good as she had heard, even better than she had hoped. Her mind began to settle on one fact: if not for Gold, she still wouldn’t have tasted the treat before her. She would have to make it a point to thank him later. For now, they sat in silence enjoying their breakfast and remembering what had happened over the last few days. Claire was plotting her return, as well as planning her next date with Prince Illusion. T was thinking up things he could do with Annie in Manehattan, while she simply yearned to go flying again. The remainder of the group simply decided to let the city lead them. The growing excitement was almost palpable as the group got on board the train. As they looked up at the display, it read “Next Stop: Manehattan.”
That's not right...
3729082 Fixed
3728982 I'll break it up then.
I've been waiting all day for a new chapter! No mistakes so far! Nice job! smilie('');
All right, the first few things that got to me while reading this. I'm a bit aggressive with my reviews, so don't take this personally.
1) Paragraphs. You remember when you were back in grade school, they would tell you that a paragraph tends to be between three to seven sentences at the absolute most? That still applies. A paragraph is a single train of thought that should be divided before deviating or shifting into another topic. This is mainly for appearance, as huge blocks of text are very unsettling to read.
EG:
That is a perfect paragraph. Four short sentences setting the scene, and then we move on into describing the kids. Proper spacing makes the story easy on the eyes, and makes it more comfortable for your reader. Never underestimate it.
On that note, double space.
Putting that extra line break in there helps.
2) Pacing: I feel that the children talking to their parents could have been done better. We aren't given much time to really settle into the scene before we are jerked along to the next one. The result is that the entire thing is largely forgettable. To do a specific scene with each child and their parents would be long, yes, but if you wanted to explore each scene it is pretty much required.
Two hundred words for each child would be a bare bones minimum of description, and I would probably pull closer to four. Remember, characters are alive. You want to use this time to inform your characters, and you do that by reminding the readers that they are not just cardboard cutouts.
For instance, AJ could be out working in the orchards, leaving Del to talk to his father or maybe his Aunt Bloom about the party, going out to seek his parent's permission after that fact. It is a simple thing, but it gives the reader more time to adapt and sink into the situation, before being shuttled off to the next one.
Maybe RD is working with the weather team when Bolt finds her? You did this with Pinky, who was actually working when Candy showed up, but the rest were just kind of there.
3) Characterization: Since most of these characters have vague personalities at best, this should be taken with a grain of salt. Over all, it seems you stuck to the established personalities, but be careful of familiarity issues. When Bolt made the 'You fell for him' comment to RD, it felt more like something AJ would have said. Like they were equals. Yeah, I imagine RD is pretty lax on parental restrictions, but it still felt awkward.
This bit is hard to articulate, just remember the characters don't do what you want. They do what they would do, and it is any writer's job to ensure that we portray the characters correctly.
There is good here, and it is certainly a good tribute to Kilala's work, but there is always room for improvement.
Keep it up;
-Lumino
3730944 Thanks. I know some authors don't reply to things like this, but I try to reply to just about every comment. I'm going to be perfectly honest: I'm a pretty bad writer. My expertise is more technical or informative, but I'm trying to expand as a creative mind. Hope you keep reading!
Well done man this is a great chapter and is it me or do everyone else get the feeling that Candy and Del are gonna hook up?
3732514 Yeah, pretty much.
3734461 Yeah, that's why they are...
Are you gonna include Starburst, prism bolts and cotton candys siblings in the story? (kilala posted pics of their siblings)
3751320 Next chapter...
I like it so far!! I hope the following chapters are as good as this one or better!
... Really...
I'm sorry the rest of the story is awesome but this one little snippet didn't really leave anything to be discovered... It was kinda like saying, "Oh yeah, and those two are gonna start dating"...
But other than that I LOVE IT!!! Especially that scene with Annie and T last chapter.
5668141 That was an intentional bait. Keep reading!