• Published 17th Dec 2013
  • 601 Views, 30 Comments

Will O' the Whistle - Railroad Brony



The Griffon Empire has invaded Equestria. A small group of ponies is waging a war to get the country back. Will they succeed?

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Starting Down the Line

The firepony of the City of Ponyville crossed to the right side of the cab and looked down on the station platform. He was a grizzled pony of about thirty years old with white fur, a blue tail, and a scar on her cheek. His eyes were a piercing blue, but Spark sensed an inner kindness to him. His cutie mark was a shield with a purple star in the center and three stars arranged in a pyramid above it. In his beret he wore the badge of a regiment in the Royal Guards. He looked at Spark, who had the Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineer's badge in his beret, and at his uniform, which was wet and smeared with grime.

In that moment when their eyes met, Spark correctly guessed that this was the real leader, and that Will o' the Whistle, the engineer's nickname, was a useful code sign.

"Come on up and ride the locomotive," he said. "I'm Shining Armor, and I've been expecting you ever since you came through the Big Hole. By Big Hole, he meant the Horseshoe Tunnel.

Spark climbed up into the cab and exchanged a handshake with Shining. He guessed that his guide through the tunnel, an engineer named Hooves, had flashed the news of his journey ahead. A great deal was going on behind the backs of the Griffon invaders.

Big Macintosh and Wrench climbed into the passenger car, and the conductor, a tall pony with broad shoulders, raised his arms in the signal that everypony as aboard.

Shining, who had observed Spark's amazement, pointed down the line to a rusty semaphore that was down.

"If there were Griffons around, the signal would be at danger," he said. "There's no risk of a wreck because this is the only train running, but we use the signals as a warning if there are Griffons nearby."

Regulator Trotterson, a wrinkled engineer with more than thirty years experience, pulled the cord that blew the whistle.

Spark jumped. "Surely that's dangerous! You're going to draw attention to yourselves!"

"The first time a Griffon battalion heard the whistle through the fog, they broke in panic," Shining chuckled grimly. "Apparently, it reminds them of the "Demon Owl" that haunts their sacred mountain at home. Later, we heard that when the battalion was recalled to Herdiff, General Fang, their leader, gave them permission to commit suicide, while the non-commissioned officers and the men were marched into Hardiff Arms Park and put to death."

Spark could believe this tale, because the Griffon society was one of ruthlessness, to themselves as well as the societies that they enslaved.

But for the moment, he became engrossed in watching Trotterson. Spark knew a great deal about electronics, but nothing about steam. It belonged in the past.

Armor also appeared to notice, because Trotterson was lecturing him gruffly on what he was doing.

"We've been standing on the grade, so I take the brake off, see?" he said gruffly, as he moved a small handle. A hiss of air accompanied this action. "Now, I'm going to move the Johnson bar into the forward notch, to set the valves in the piston to route the steam for forward motion. Think of it as shifting gears on a car." He moved a lever that was sticking up from the floor. "Now, I'm opening the throttle, which allows steam into the cylinders." As he said this, he moved a long, horizontal lever set high in the boiler, and, with a soft chuff from the stack, the locomotive started to move. "You can be starting the injector as I showed you before."

"What does the injector do?" Spark inquired.

"It feeds water into the boiler," Trotterson answered. "See that glass? That's the water gauge. That shows how much water is in the boiler."

The train moved slowly along a mist filled cut. As Spark stared ahead into the haze, his feeling of surprise at finding any railroad still running, let alone a steam railroad, did not lessen.

Shining opened the firebox door, and, as the blast of heat hit his face, he moved back a step. He watched as Shining dug a shovel into the coal and stoked the fire. "Hot work!" he exclaimed when Armor closed the firebox. Shining nodded.

Trotterson let out a laugh. "You young 'uns don't know what hard work is!" he scoffed. "When I was a firepony working on the South Whales Expresses, I'd shovel three tons of coal into the firebox between Herdiff and Canterlot and think nothing of it, my goodness, no!"

Spark turned to Shining. "Can I ask where you're going?" he inquired.

Shining nodded and stood close to him as the engine jolted along. He explained that, as punishment for some small breach of the regulations, General Fang had ordered that the ponies of Abermare should receive no rations for two weeks.

"There are large food and munition dumps hidden in the hills, Spark," Shining went on. "And our railroad runs close to them. We have filled two forty foot boxcars with food for Abermare, and if things run smoothly, it will be smuggled into town."

Another signal loomed out of the mist. "Good, the line ahead is clear of Griffons!" Trotterson exclaimed. "Now we can make a run at the hill. The exhaust changed from a slow, steady beat to a harsh bark as he pushed the Johnson Bar forward and opened the throttle wider.

There were many steep grades on the WJR, and were typical of the railroad lines that were built across the mountains. The grade City of Ponyville was tackling was three miles long and full of steep climbs and tight curves. When coal drags of twenty hoppers filled with fifty five tons of coal used the line, it was not uncommon for three locomotives to be needed, with one in front, one in the middle of the train, and one pushing behind the caboose.

On one side of the tracks, a cliff soared into the mist. On the other, there was a sheer drop to the valley floor, two hundred feet below. On clear days, one could see the rusty carcasses of ancient locomotives and cars strewn about the valley floor.

"We seem to be making an awful noise," Spark noted after Shining had fed the locomotive more coal.

"You'd be surprised at how well the hill muffle it," Shining stated. "and it's a risk we have to take. We can't use the roads because they are watched and patrolled regularly. Our only way of moving things in bulk is the railroad, which the Griffon's think is abandoned."

The train entered a tunnel, and soon the cab was filled with choking clouds of smoke and steam. Trotterson didn't seem to be affected, but Spark and Shining had red eyes and were coughing when the train exited the tunnel.

To give Shining a break, because he continued to cough in an alarming manner, Spark opened the firebox doors and shoved the scoop under the coal. As he turned to deposit the load of coal in the firebox, the cab lurched and threw him off balance. The coal scoop hit the corner of the opening, and the coal scattered all over the cab floor. As he swept the coal into the fire, Trotterson chuckled.

"You were standing flat-footed," he said through the din. "You have to balance yourself of the balls of your feet." Spark nodded and tried again, this time doing as advised. He found that not only was he able to keep his balance, but that he was able to control the swing of the shovel. Trotterson nodded his approval. "We'll make a railroader out of you in no time!"

A few minutes later, the train passed through a shorter tunnel that marked the summit. Trotterson closed the throttle and stopped the train in a cut.

Spark recieved a tap on the shoulder from Shining. "This is where we have to close a gap in the bridge before we can get across," the stallion explained.

Author's Note:

I've taken a little liberty with the cab of the locomotive, giving it more american features, because that is what I'm familiar with. Here is a picture of the cab of a steam locomotive, showing the what the engineer and fireman would see on a daily basis.

This image is of the 2-6-0 Mogul (1907) Boston & Maine #1455 at Danbury Railway Museum (CT). It is "enhanced" it with the labels and "X-Ray vision" of the injector.
I'd thought that I'd get a chapter out today. Happy New Year!
(Added 01-04-13)
Sorry about taking down the chapter. I had to include some stuff I forgo to type the first time.

Comments ( 30 )

Great read so far

Мне нравится эта история, мой товарищ. Можем ли мы пожалуйста, больше?

4137394 Сейчас я работаю на следующих нескольких главах. Я надеюсь иметь их уже в этом месяце. :pinkiehappy:
(Я надеюсь, что это переводит правильно. Первый раз с помощью Google Translate)

4138340 Seems fine to me, tovarisch.

Alright, you asked for a blunt and honest review and here it is. Let us begin with the plot and overall story line. I must say, when I read your description I really did love the idea. A war with the griffins leading to an underground resistance that moves with the railways sounds like a fantastic story. Almost reminiscent of Metro 22 but with less Russian aliens and more ponies. The title itself fits well and works well with the story bio and adds a dramatic air to the whole thing from an outside perspective too those deciding whether or not to read.

Getting into the actual story itself it's safe to say that the quality of your writing has defiantly improved since your first story. Everything fits better than it did when you first started out but there are points where it gets clunky, specifically when you are writing descriptions. When the griffin soldiers were first introduced it felt less like we were looking through the eyes of the protagonist and more like we were listening to him describe it to somebody else at another time. A good point is when you flat out said they were holding carbines, it would feel much more natural if they came into play when the griffins did something with them. Saying they pulled the carbines of their straps and pointed them at the pony (Braeburn) would have flowed better and it would become clear what standard issue weapons the grunts carried.

While you've become better at actually describing environments there is an art form in telling it through a story. When you described the Horseshoe Tunnel it become more of a historic landmark sign you'd see on the side of a hiking trail than a story setting. There are times when tiny details laced throughout a segment of the help paint a masterpiece. Instead of giving us a history of the Tunnel it would have suited it better to be a description of the appearance with only minor reference to it's construction, letting the readers fill in the dots themselves and create the world in their mind. A better place for the long historic descriptions would be in regards to the two wars that lead to the whole story. There's a lot of empty space just begging to be filled, it's a major part of this story and it just got glossed over. It'd be fine if there's more description coming from conversations in the future but right no we're working with a lot nothing in that regard.

As for the dialogue between characters, it has it's ups and downs. There are times when it flows well and then something seems to break that flow along the way. Often times it's an awkward placement for descriptions of events going on or choppy movements. Sorting through the conversations and adding minor details to movements will help the characters to move on their own so we don't have to listen to it ourselves. Let your characters words and actions speak for themselves. Lastly we come back to a major problem for bringing in readers, one that you had with your last story as well. Chapter length. As I said before, there are readers who like one-shots or quick stories but that's not what this is. This is set up to be a long and arching story and that appeals to readers like me who come for a good long story that asks you to sit down and stay for awhile, tiny chapters do not fit those stories. These 800 word chapters are paragraphs to us and make this story seem unappealing for the audience you want. I realize that longer chapters can be hard on writers and demand dedication but that's what draws in so many readers. Short chapters show that the story is either going to be short itself, or that the author just doesn't care about the story that much.

I see a great deal of potential in your writing and hope that you will continue to improve along with your work, this may be a fairly strong review but every bit can help you grow. Good luck my friend.

4457749 Thank you. There is a reason for the clunkiness. You see, I am also writing this as a non-MLP:FIM story. That is why I am having trouble describing the characters. They originally aren't ponies, but humans. Would it lose some of the clunkiness if I just humanized it, instead of using anthro?

4458218
Humanizing them is fine, that's what the human tag was originally meant for shortly before the whole human-in-Equestria thing started (shows how long I've been here). The problem here is that you are using Equestria as a setting and recognized MLP characters, which can only make this an mlp fic. If you really want this to be a non-MLP you might get away with swinging the Equestria as a country shtick but I would suggest giving them human names while making their appearances similar to their equestrian counterparts.

4458447 How, Equestria Girls style?

4458456
Well yes, you could do that but I would defiantly leave out the rainbow skin colors. Hair color/style, speech patterns, and personalities will be more than enough for us to figure out who they are. We don't need to see blue skin and wings for us to know that athletic tomboy with rainbow hair is Dash. Or the fru-fru girl with dark stylized hair and an english accent is Rarity.

4458479 I was planning on leaving out the skin colors.

4458484
Always a good choice, nobody really likes needing a color swatch to identify characters.

4458491 Cool. I'll try that in my next story. I have several chapters ready to be published for this one, I just need to edit them. To me, it seems a little late late in the game to change that, you know?

4458503
Not necessarily, while you do have several chapters in this fic out they aren't very long. In fact there are many fics whose chapters are longer than what you've written now so overall it wouldn't be that huge change. But you should do what you feel comfortable with. Never let your readers pressure you to change your story to what they want. It's your story, tell it the way you want to.

4458518 OK. I have an idea for a one-shot, but I can't get it above the minimum. Do you think you could help if I PM you what I have so far?

4458537
While I can review stories I'm not much of an editor. Never really was good at english, but there are several groups that are dedicated to helping author edit their work. They would be able to help you much more. Here's a few links to various groups that I've seen recommended by various authors over the years I've been here.

Looking for Editors

Editors-R-Us

Proofreaders, Editors, Authors and Idealists

Editors for Struggling Fan-Fiction Writors

4458562 I don't need an editor, I just need to know if my idea warrants being pursued.

4458580
Oh well if that's all you need sure, I'll take a look at it

4458586 Cool. It should be coming through in a few minutes.

4458591
Very nice, very nice. Original poem that is well thought out, versed, and depicts a vivid world while carrying a powerful message. Further improved by the small exert between the two characters which is very well written in itself. I do believe you have quite a good fic on your hands if you continue to write it as you've started.

4458652 Thanks. I just don't know how to continue it.

4458657
Let it come to you, you've not only got an excellent starting point but you've also given yourself an ending with her description of what happened. You could simply tell his story, how the war started, how he met her and what became of it. You've gotten the two hardest parts already taken care, the rest will come with time.

4458677 OK. I was actually thinking of the disaster as the focal point. Modeling it on the Iowa explosion. (Really an "out of battery detonation")

4458677 I edited my response. Thank you for your help.

I'm a little curious as to when Cheerilee's going to show up.

6959460 I look forward to seeing how she's been doing.

6959484 You will be surprised. very surprised.

6966229 Uh-oh. She's a collaborator, isn't she?

6966238 No.
and that is all I am saying,

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