When Twilight has trouble sleeping, she looks for help from an old friend who lives in the Everfree Forest.
But there's something going on in there...
Something strange. Something mysterious. Something...
*Warning - may get Dark in later chapters. Keep an eye on the Story Tags*
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Okay, you can take this however you want to. I haven't even completely decided where it's going to go yet. A large portion of the next chapter is already written though. This one's called zero because not much happens in it...
I started writing this months ago, so it's probably pretty low quality, but I decided I wanted to write it some more. Hopefully publishing the first chapter will encourage me to actually do that. Also, hopefully a good direction to take this will occur to me at some point soon. (It's adventure tagged atm, because it didn't really seem to fit in any of the others. I may change that later if necessary)
Bleh, like or dislike this as you want, I've got a more interesting story in the works too, so I'll just have to see how this one goes.
Also, I haven't proofread it, so there's quite likely errors aplenty
I sketched the cover image in 30 mins with a mouse, so don't take too much notice of it. For my real art, go look here
Your gay
It's pretty damn good so far. Your writing style is fluid and engrossing, and even though not much has happened yet I never found myself bored. Also liking the FlutterDash intrigue (one of my favourite ships), so points for good sidestory right there. Looking forward to seeing how this turns out, so I'll leave a track but save my rating until more of the plot unfolds. Keep up the good work!
Okay, when I read the description, my mind immediatley went "Story of the Blanks."
This is just making what I suspect seem more and more likely.
not a bad start hope to see more,
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Thy seething remarks burn and find their way into mine very soul, whereupon they fester like a rotted wound. They hang on my conscience as lead would from ankles, and their caustic nature scours my heart, and bares it for all to see, open and wider than the chasm between your land and mine. That I have displeased ye in such a fashion is more than a stain upon my honour: it is a bloody slash, delivered by a thrice used knife - unclean and unpure. Although it is far too late to alter my course, I may, if such is possible, reappraise mine works, and transfigure them unto a form more pleasing to your eyes. I only wish to explain my actions, so that you might have of a better understanding.
In regards to using letters of a higher or upper case, it is true and wretched that I have done such a thing. But I beg you: pity me! For as I wrote my words, a little over five months past, I did not put pen to paper, but thumb to mobile device, and as such, had mo option for such italicisation. Now that time has passed, it would have been prudent of me to alter these words, yet, as I have previously mentioned, I did not proofread this work.
Your other concern, m'lud, is a thing purely of personal choice. I enjoy the sound of the southern drawl the fair miss Applejack engages us with, and merely wished to compensate and emphasise it in my words. I apologise, for it has indeed angered you, and it is becoming clear that you often mask your displeasure from me. I would ask for the cessation of such an act, and would prefer to see your face, honest and true. I may in due time, adhere to your wishes and change my accentuated accent usage in this tale, but it shall not be this day. This day, mine body hath been struck by many a barbed arrow, and will yet see many more ere I rest; yet I shall not fall. I shall stand, and I shall write.
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sorry, i left my computer unattended at school for about 2mins and someone posted that. haters gonna hate.
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hope I don't disappoint
Thanks
342192
It's probably not what you're thinking I'm afraid
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The things I do for you...
Anyway, if you're going to be disappointed, be disappointed in davrockist, cos he's the one who wrote this chapter - over 5 months ago, and before Silver Cloud even existed. I didn't really pay much attention to writing then (for example, this story was originally going to have an overpowered alicorn villain), but those days are gone. Now I actually pay attention to what I'm doing. Unfortunately, due to being extremely tired I didn't bother going through this and just posted it for the sake of posting something. I have now gone through it and fixed up the few things wrong.
I had always intended to uncapitalise and italicize, which I now have done, but iPods unfortunately don't have that capability, and I didn't know about formatting code when I wrote it.
As for the matter of Ah vs. I, it's a personal thing. I like the way "ah" sounds, and that's it. I have, however, changed it in this story. Hopefully you can enjoy it a bit more now.
I'm gonna throw in my two pennies (shut up, I'm english, we use pennies not cents!) on the I/Ah debate: I personally find it an endearing character trait, not to mention that in lengthy speech scenes it does help differentiate between who is speaking, without having to keep reminding the reader every so often. Also, I'm not sure why phoneticizing accents is considered an insult, as opposed to accurate and informative. For example, it is occasionally difficult to remind yourself which accent a character is speaking in, if it was only mentioned once in the narrative about 3,000 words ago. Whereas if a character's accent is woven into their dialogue, it makes for a more engaging and immersive read. Well, I think so at least.
It's also noteworthy that, at least in fiction, grammar and spelling are not paramount. You can have a doctorate in English Language, but if your story is cliched and unimmersive, all the dotted I's and crossed T's in the world won't save you. And conversely, I personally try to see past the spelling and grammar errors in a good story, and just lose myself in the plot.
That being said: GRAMMAR WARS, COMMENCE!
343668
yay someone that agrees with me
I hate when I have to reread when I confuse ah(I) for ah(ah)
...and I have never heard I sound like ah anyway
even in thick accents
344683
your literary greatness knows no bounds does it
first a good story
then a written marvel of a comment... if a little inconstant
would definitely be interested in more
Been meaning to take a look at this.
Chapter Zero, eh? The programmer in me approves.
Need commas. Direct thoughts get the same punctuation as dialogue, except with italics instead of quotes
>Spike won't be up yet, she thought.
>Spike won't be up yet! she thought.
>Spike won't be up yet? she thought.
(although I guess it generally looks nice to not use "she thought" with thoughts ending in question/exclamation marks)
Typo (full stop where there should be a comma).
This thing of using descriptors instead of names or pronouns is a pet peeve of mine – we call it "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome" in some circles. I find it distracting and inappropriately flowery for most styles of writing. Your use of it is minimal enough to not bother me too much, but I recommend trying for pronouns before inserting descriptors. And keep it away from dialogue – using descriptors distances the readers from the characters (Twilight Sparkle becomes a lavender unicorn; an object rather than a character) which is not something you want to do in dialogue (but is something you might like to do in other circumstances). ...Here's something I prepared earlier.
I'll just add that descriptors vs names is a very subjective issue and, again, your use doesn't irritate me to the degree that the syndrome did in, say, On A Cross and Arrow or Sunset or some other fics I've read...
Ooh, cliffhanger ending!
A silly technical nitpick is that you've used hyphens (-) where you should use en dashes (–). Seeing as you have to press Alt+0150 to get an en dash outside of MS Word (and seeing as I do this rather often as well) you're excused. I can't say the text is made worse by the lack of proper dashes.
Can't really say much about the story as yet, seeing as it's early days. It's interesting that you've started with these three plot threads (but where's Pinkie?!) and I wish you luck in writing a story with five/six main characters – doing that's probably one of the hardest things about writing ponies.
Comments about stuff that's already been fixed.
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343668
Gonna agree with you guys and voice my opposition to "ah" instead of "I" here. I'm not fussed 'bout other little affectations t' show accent, but that one is right annoying. I think it's a good idea t' show accent through word choice an' not phonetic horseplay... though I will admit that I personally like to overplay phonetic accents in single-scene characters, 'cause it amuses me.
And I'll also second the call to italicise "FABULOUS". Some folk look down on all caps in general, but I'll admit I personally like to use it for SHOUTING in certain, select circumstances (then again, I also use interrobangs (?!) and onomatopoeia (CLANG!)... I am a sinful writer). Italics seem more appropriate for Rarity's way of emphasising important words in her dialogue.
well i've been meaning to get around to this one for quite some time now. i guess i should have read it sooner! i like where this is going and i'll be tracking it for future updates.
364193
What you did there, I see it.
Okay.
Missed that one - thanks
While I'd agree with not overusing descriptors, I'm still going to use them. I hate seeing the same name repeated over and over again, and pronouns like "she" can get confusing with multiple mares involved.
Point noted though.
She'll be in the next chapter. And there won't be three full plots – just one main storyline with a couple small things thrown in underneath. In all honesty it'll probably focus mostly on one character as it goes on, just from several different perspectives. Maybe. If I pull my finger out.
Finally,
Opinions, opinions everywhere
I already CHANGED all those, AND the ah/I thing. Yeesh...
364193
Oh, and as much as I appreciate the in-depth feedback, perhaps you could keep the schoolteacher stuff to PMs? Not the typos or whatever, I don't mind that, but going into detailed explanations on some things is a bit much for a story comment. Thanks.
378884
I'll do that in future.
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Nitpicking to this degree is my special way of saying "cool story, can't see anything wrong with it". =)
Getting the right balance so as not to annoy or distract anyone is pretty tricky. As I said above, don't worry about it, you're under the legal (descriptor) limit.
Sorry it took so long for such a short update
Things have been busy around here, but hopefully I'll be able to do another chapter before the end of next week - no promises though. This chapter should probably be considered 0.5, since it develops some stuff from the last one, but there's still nothing really happening yet. Sorry, but stuff will happen soon! That I can promise.
Also, I doubt you will, but if you notice a sudden change in quality or feel, that's because half of this was written at the same time as the last chapter (six months ago), and the rest was written today
Oh, and I proofread this time, but that doesn't mean I caught everything.
emails: "Something has updated"
Wait...what?
Oh you
Yay for FlutterDash! The only problem I noticed was that you spelled practice "practis". This story has a way of keeping me on edge. I almost expect it to get a "tradgedy" tag! Love the story so far! Keep it up my good man
424337
European spelling bro
Thanks though, glad you're liking it
425013
Sorry for being an ignorant American :/
Methinks it would serve you well to put a Romance tag on this story, on account of the FlutterDash.
On another note, intriguing development with Luna. I'm interested in seeing what's up with that.
And nice work with Pinkie Pie too.
Context: it's important.
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Well, actually...
Outside of America, "practise" is the verb and "practice" is the noun. Americans just use "practice".
So424337's right, it should be "practice".Wait, never mind, actually you left out a "her" (I think).
(sorry)
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I might do that, depending on how far in depth I go with that – I haven't fully decided if that's going to go beyond implied yet.
Hahaha, I hadn't even noticed that.
I'm aware of the difference, but my thinking was that, since it's a routine involving practising, the verb form was correct. Looking at it again, I'm not so sure...
427486 My apologies if I was mistaken.
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I'd say that
is correct, if Scoots was talking about watching RD's "practice routine". That's a really weird thing to say though.
On the other hoof,
is correct and not weird.
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I don't find that weird in the slightest, but okay.