Strigoi

BioChemicalWolfGear #1 · Dec 15th, 2013 · · · Introduction to the world of vampires ·

My name is Nikolai Drozdov. I am a vampire. A strigoi to be exact. We are undead vampires who hunt the living vampires known as moroi. The moroi call us evil. I used to call strigoi evil. You see, Drozdov is a royal name among moroi. I used to be a moroi. I was turned strigoi 256 years ago. When I was moroi, I was the prince of the Drozdovs. I was the eldest of my family (which is what made me the prince). I was eligible to become king of the moroi world. Its interesting I remember this stuff. It was so long ago. anyway, there ate some things you should know about Strigoi.

Let's rewind for a moment. This could be the most interesting story about a vampire going to Equestria while having some existential crisis. However he's narrating what he's saying. Take a look. Proof read. Then realize that the first paragraph doesn't have the character being placed in an environment.

The first chapter should have some sort of location in mind, a forest, a castle, a home in the woods. But it's TRULY most important in the first paragraph. But let's go back to the fact that you're literally explaining the lore to us. This is the equivalent of reading the Wiki pages about vampires for fun...which isn't fun. It's informative but not enjoyable.

I'm imagining a scene right now. One where we don't explain backstory through paragraph of paragraph of info. But maybe through another method if you'd have it.

The shutters slammed repeatedly as the wind blew them open and closed. The dark and damp mid-evil hut was topped off with straw to lead the rain off the roof while keeping the inside relatively dry. But the old home being so far into the woods made it difficult to transport any useful patching material so the hut will stand on old support beams and moldy walls. Without warning, the front door burst open as the sound of thunder was heard. The cause of this disturbance was a man in his late twenties. His skin pale and forged out of misery that reflected in his violent eyes. Misery of watching people die every day.
He walked over to straw bed that awaited him. In his swift and silent steps to get there, he dropped his overcoat on the floor and decreased the momentum of his movements toward the bed. When he got at it's edge, he simply stopped and waited in front of the inviting surface, as if it had something to offer him but he couldn't grasp. He spun around slowly and walked toward the desk at the opposite side of the humble abode. There was a large red book with an ink well and quill beside it. A candle on the left to provide light when lit. But it was currently snuffed and smoking, no doubt the leaks from the ceiling snuffed its flame. Quite recently too from the smoke.
But that didn't discourage him. He grabbed a stool near the front door and set it in front of the book. He promptly sat down and looked at it. Opening it up, he began to scan it's contents in search for a blank page. When he found it, he spoke out loud.
"Dear diary." He said with remorse. "I'm a vampire..." He wiped his mouth and blood stayed on his sleeve. "I'm one of the worst..." He said sorrowfully. Then is frown turned into a grin. "And I love every moment of it." he said sadistically.

OK now assume for a moment that I know NOTHING of his personality...because I don't. Now here's what this alternative intro actually offers.

One: You get to tell a short summary of the lore without going straight into an encyclopedia state of mind.

Two: You're able to explain his history later. I assume he'll be going to Equestria at some point so you can have it so his personal journal or diary follows him in. Twilight could read it out of curiosity or someone in power to determine if he's a threat or not by reading it. In doing so, you can expose long time readers to more backstory without boring newer ones to leave.

Trust me on this, backstory is great, just not how you've been portraying it as of this moment. It's also more effective if it's given to us later down the road, OR you have an event that we can read (such as a chase or an emotional scene) where you're able to explain the backstory using characters. Maybe talking to an orphan or a hobo who's lost his mind.

Well that's all I can do for this one right now. I'll leave you to your story and contact me when you need something else reviewed in hopes of learning something from me. I'd normally try to teach you specific elements while you write, but this will work for now.

Keep in mind, if ever you feel threatened or intimidated by my advice (such as shoot down an idea you thought was good but I say that it's flawed) then you can vent your thoughts as a reply OR a PM if you want to keep it between us. I frankly have a lot of people hating me as it is so I'm used to it. I will also never resent you for venting.

You can call me the dirtiest skank bitch whore on the planet and (I'm sure I'd agree on some level) I won't feel let down in any way. Nor will I feel bad. I'm more aware of my flaws than anyone else I know. I can be a hypocrite and my own worst critic as I try to pick my personality apart and hate my guts in the process. Then forgive myself two seconds later.

Evening Storm

Evening Storm #2 · Dec 16th, 2013 · · · Introduction to the world of vampires ·

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3631603 well the thing with this is yes im telling you what this world is. the first chapter isnt about HIM persay but its about ALL strigoi as a whole. It isnt ment to tell his story yet and besides i have a plan for when he ends up in equestria. Like i said. Im telling you WHAT he is not WHO he is. Does that make sense?

BioChemicalWolfGear

BioChemicalWolfGear #3 · Dec 16th, 2013 · · · Introduction to the world of vampires ·

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3635451
ah yes that makes sense. I suggest we keep it to actual chapters of stories. It's better that I don't know anything about the story before I read it so I can tell you what information is missing and what seems unimportant at the moment.

Evening Storm

Evening Storm #4 · Dec 16th, 2013 · · · Introduction to the world of vampires ·

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3635636 alright but you see why i am doing it this way yes?

BioChemicalWolfGear

BioChemicalWolfGear #5 · Dec 17th, 2013 · · · Introduction to the world of vampires ·

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3636035
Possibly to lay out the plot and universe so you can integrate it into the story.

Evening Storm

Evening Storm #6 · Dec 17th, 2013 · · · Introduction to the world of vampires ·

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3641058 thats a pretty good part of it yes. I mean whats the point of talking about all these crazy things if the reader has no fucking clue what is actually happening with it?

ThatCrazyPerson