When those close to you make a choice, you may share the consequences of that choice. All you can do is chose to bear the burden of that choice with your friends or not. Even your choice to help them can have consequences. I chose my friends, and what I thought was right. Looking back, there were many things I could have done differently. This was their love, this is my story.
A spin off of Then We'll Run
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Hmmm.
An alternative telling of an existing story through a third party? I guess I can see why it's a good idea: putting AJ's POV in a separate story is better for the flow of the former. So, should we consider this one optional, or still semi-required?
Your writing has improved a little in this one, compared to the others, but there's still a few mistakes in there. Not a whole heap, though.
One recommendation. Don't end a chapter like that. It really kills the mood. It's already pretty obvious to AJ and your readers, without it being bluntly reiterated like that. I personally think the ending would be more solid if it ended on this note:
It would be better for the overall flow of the story if you put what comes after as the beginning of the next chapter instead.
Nice start, though. Here, have a green thumb for your trouble. I'll keep an eye on this. Like I said, you're getting better.
Adren
3607549 i agree
3607549 I would say that by the end of the two stories the event's of one greatly impact the event's of the other so i would say to get the full story you would need to read both. though i made it as new reader friendly as i could so it can be enjoyed either way
The first thing I notice when reading this story is that you struggle with propper punctuation. Too many people will call it grammar, but your grammar is fine (for the most part). There are plenty of missing commas, even in the first paragraph alone, that distract from the story itself.
Those are just a few examples. There are plenty of other things you could do outside of technical improvement that could make this opening paragraph alot better. First of all, that second-to-last sentence? Completely unecessary. By saying It's "the beginning for me," you're already communicating that where it starts for you may not be where it began. It's a good point in writing to always try to cut out all the unnecessary fodder and communicate as much as you can with as few words as possible. this is why meaningful words like "furious" and "smash" are so much better than plain words like "angry" or "hit." They communicate far more information in far less space, and therefore paint a much clearer picture in the reader's head.
And I haven't even read past the first paragraph...
Okay, on with the rest of the story.
~~~
Well holy horseapples in caramel on a stick! I thought that first paragraph just had an unusual ammount of errors in it, but it appears that the mistakes you made in the first paragraph carry on quite faithfully throughout the rest of the story. I'd suggest working on your use of commas; it's by far the most common and noteable error in the story.
I don't want to keep rambling on about technical stuff though, or else we'll both be here all day, and I don't have time for that. I know I've already thrown a good chunk of criticism your way, but I have a few more things to say for you. First of all, you seem to be writing some sort of mutant first-person/third-person hybrid. One thing you need to understand when you're writing in first-person is that your story needs to become far more personal and focus on your protagonist's perspective. You're not allowed to do things like say what Rainbow Dash is thinking, or why she does something, because AJ can't know that. There's plenty of important little differences between first and third-person, and you need to make sure not to mess them up. I'd say the best way to learn these differences is to read, alot, as by doing so you'll start to pick up on how writing works far more naturally than being told how.
The next thing I can't really get over is just how overused the overall plot of this story is. It can be done well, sure, but... Overall, the most interesting thing you do here has to be the fact that you wrote a romance story from the perspective of a character who isn't a romantic interest. The more I think about it the more brilliant and original that idea seems to be, but I think you need to do alot more writing (and reading) before you'll be good enough to pull it off. The story goes from being AJ's story to being Rainbow Dash and Twily's story, and that can't happen, because then it might as well happen from RD's or Twily's perspective.
Last of all, the majority of the language you use here is pretty basic. You try on occassion to throw in more advanced words, but it doesn't work well with the more basic language surrounding it. For example:
Is contemplatively even a word...? If it is, it sure doesn't work well here. It's almost as long as half the sentence that comes before it, and the same information could have been communicated in a far more interesting way. I would suggest, in a sentence like this, spicing up the verb and eliminating the adverb entirely. In fact, you already provide a neat little oppertunity: "She contemplated the orchard..." Doesn't that sound better? I'd also futher expand on the sentence by adding a comma at the end and describing what Rainbow's doing physically while she "contemplates," just to round out the sentence and breathe in even more detail.
Your Rating:
(Sorry, but an interesting idea doesn't make up for rampant technical problems and an overused concept that just sort of falls flat...)
Hey, I hope you appreciated my feedback! I can tell I'll have my hooves full this week, so it'd be really, really awesome if you could support me by joining Weekly Watch! Your rating, and many others, will appear in a results thread later this week. Hope to see you there!
3643005 oh
3643005 I wrote this in first person omniscient, because it happened in the past from the perspective of the story teller she could find out the thoughts of the other characters after the fact which i have accounted for. As for my very many mistakes... ya, i got nothing i wrote this after going over 24 hours without sleep and i intend to do an editing session at some point to fix it... Also i think you should read the second chapter, it came out lots better.
3643263 First-person omniscient? So, what, AJ's a god? Look, I see what you're trying to say. I've seen it done before. Just stick with regular first-person though, okay? Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Besides, no one ever goes up to someone and just says "hey, remember this exact moment? Yeah, what were you thinking?" unless it was something really notable.
3643005
. Do you normally review other peoples stories like that? (not trying to be mean, just actually curious, is all)
Wow, that is a long comment
3648589 Oh, hey, sorry, missed your comment. I do review people's stories, though I'm not always that in-depth with my reviews. I do try my best to help others improve, however.
Does this story have Mix-phobia ?