Some ponies are willing to give everything for love, but what happens if everything isn't enough?
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FallenLaughter
Joined 25th May, 2012 ·
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How did the consept of there two be said to be together?
Error
*sniffles*
This...
This is brilliant.
Truly one of the greater stories I had ever read on this site.
The descriptions, the pacing, the way the story is set...
I'm nearly speechless.
Amazing work.
Absolutely fantastic it's always a pleasure to log on and find gems like this.
This is beautiful, well written, feels creating art. I put on my had just to take it off in respect for you. Well done!
4948019
4947939
4947769
um, thank you? I was actually expecting a much more negative reaction, since I consider this one of my weaker pieces. nice to hear that there are people who enjoy this though^^
4947723 um... sorry, but i can't really tell what you are trying to say. sorry
4948549
A pleasure. Not to sound cheesy but if you don't consider this your good work I'm certainly looking forward to finding out what that is.
4948575 the word
Is in the story change it to "nopony"
Or make it a human story
4948581 well maybe I'm exaggerating a little. i doubt that my writing style can get any better than what i delivered with this story (and please don't forget that i had editors who helped me). it's just that i see quite a few opportunities on which i might have been able to improve the story.
The fact that i experimented on this quite a lot dint' help either. for example, the fact that i tried to keep it a secret to whom vinyl is speaking and about whom. that put me into quite the bind, since i couldn't use names and had to be careful otherwise as well, to not give away anything. btw., did i mange in that regard?
anyways. like i said, i think there are at least a few things i could have done better as far as i can tell.
just my opinion though.
4948616 i actually meant the other comment, but thank you regardless
oh, and fixed.
Well I'm not goign to say that was horrible, but it wasn't exactly great either. Which appenrtly you yourself already seemed to think.
From a technical perspective, barring a few minor errors, you need to be careful with how you do your dialogue. At several points it was really confusing who was talking. You should consider keeping the same characters dialogue in a single paragraph and not break it up so much. Also, there were a few times when you put ************ or something like that. That means you're jumping ahead or to a different point in time or place. Basically it means you're jumping away from what you were last saying. But you just had the same scene keep going.
For the story itself I gotta say... it falls to pieces at the end.
Spoiler.
Your reasons for Vinyl and Sonar splitting up are just... terrible. That was so forced that any emotional investment I had went right out the window. I'll buy that Sonar couldn't tell Vinyl what she was up to or going through... but to have Vinyl get THAT upset is just... ridiculous. If they both supposedly loved tachometer so much Vinyl would have gone back. Hell she probably would have cooled off after a few hours and returned. At least that's how you set up the character and their relationship. The fact that she got THAT upset over Sonar being blind is kind of dumb to be honest. At first I thought it was because Vinyl instantly realized what Sonar had done for her and knew she could never see Sonar the same way ever again, but no, it wasn't because she gave up her eyes at all, it was because she was blind. That's pretty lame mate. Even if I was willing to buy that Vinyl was that upset, in all the time, no one talked to Vinyl? Tried to reason with her? Sonar didn't tell her parents or Vinyl's parents? Vinyl seemed to genuinely care about this mare but because she lied to her about being blind that was a deal breaker? to the point Vinyl couldn't bare to even associate with her? You had a good thing going but it seemed like you were desperate to have a really emotional ending so you just forced in what ever you thought would work. And it really, REALLY does not work.
4948665 ah finally some who sees it. well of course there will be spoiler in my comment, so....
-SPOILERS-
i agree on most things with you, but you got it wrong. actually, the break up was the very first thing i had for this story. this was what everything was build around and that's where the problem i had while writing this was seated at.
I knew right from the beginning that it would be tough, if not outright impossible, to pull this off. it is near impossible to make them close enough for Sonar to give her eyes up for vinyl and yet have them estranged enough that vinyl wouldn't realize her mistake.
I tried to do my best i could with that premise, but in the end this here came out.
Deep down i knew this story couldn't work well, i just knew it. Yet i was to invested in it, and i had already spent over two years trying to come up with something (that's also the reason for the many rewrites i mentioned in the author's note).
In the end, i just wanted to be done with this.
Unfortunately, this kinda sets the background for my upcoming series, so i had to upload this. There I'll also explain a few things you mentioned here, for example why they didn't get back together and why Vinyl react the way she did here.
Anyways, i'm somewhat relieved. This was the reaction i expected when i first uploaded this, and somehow it's nice to see that there are still authors who know there stuff^^
4948733
Glad you're not taking the criticism the wrong way. Because I honestly was really invested till the end.
With your explanation of how you had the idea for the ending first I can now see why things went the way they did. You're right, that's a tough one to set up. Still, I am glad you decided to post it and can admire your determination to get it done and posted despite your feelings it couldn't work.
Better to try and fail then not try at all, as they say. Or... well they say something like that.
4948642
You did well in keeping her ambiguous. Although I didn't really think that was overly important at all really. The only benefit that had I think was to the narrative. It sounded very much like she was talking about her.
This natural conversational flow of the story was a style I really liked. I don't think it came off at all like it was pieced together in loads of different styles.
Having read criticisms of the ending, I must admit that's a fair point. But the way I saw it by the time Vinyl had forgiven her they found it hard to contact each other. By the point they do meet again other things could have happened and they're not able to connect on the same level. That is at least how I portrayed it.
But still I very much enjoyed this and will continue to read your stuff in the future. Well done.
4947939 I couldn't agree more.
Jaw hit the floor on the ending, but I must agree with marick, the "breakup" so to speak was very forced and seemed...less than realistic. But I loved the premise and your style and whatnot. I would give this 4/5 stars.
That felt really forced. As impulsive as Vinyl Scratch can be, it just does not click. You`d have to be brain-dead to pull off something that stupid without a single doubt.
I'm sorry to say it, but this story is in need of an editor. The underlying premise is good, but the delivery was just... poor. Ridiculous/unrealistic character behavior, poor dialogue, questionable flashback formatting, copious grammatical errors, repetitive lines, gimmicky plot excuses and a telly style all severely hurt my appreciation of this story. Don't let me get you down, though; we learn from our mistakes.