Rainbow soared over the valley, flying quickly away from Sweet Apple Acres. She surveyed the skies, noting that there weren’t rain clouds anywhere in sight. I could’ve gotten the schedule wrong, I guess. Nah, I never get the schedule wrong, Rainbow huffed. She flew lower than normal, attempting to get a quick glimpse of the other four weatherponies on duty that day.
As she neared the library, Rainbow saw Flitter and Cloudkicker, unsuccessfully, bucking a large white cumulonimbus. Rainbow sighed. Looks like they’ve been doing this all morning, she sighed. She flew tentatively over to where they were, hovering just a few feet above them. “Have you been at this since I left earlier?” she questioned.
Flitter murmured to herself while Cloudkicker sheepishly scratched her head.
“Yeah, Dash. I mixed up the weather schedule again. I sorta almost created a huge cumulonimbus cloud over the library,” Cloudkicker mentioned. Rainbow brought a hoof to her face, shaking her head lightly.
“You really are something else, Cloudkicker. Keep bucking that one, all right? Flitter and I will go find Airheart to start on the storm clouds. Once you’re done with that, come find us,” Rainbow commanded. “This is going to take all day.” Cloudkicker nodded and continued bucking the over-filled cumulonimbus. Dash and Flitter hovered for a moment before flapping away toward the park.
Rainbow Dash wiped her wet hair off of her face crossly. She pointed a glare in Airheart’s direction. All four weatherponies were soaked to the bone and shivering. Cloudkicker and Flitter slowly descended to the ground, followed by Airheart, then Rainbow Dash. Rainbow looked at the three other ponies.
“Well, at least we finished before nightfall,” Airheart pointed out sheepishly. Airheart hoofed at the muddy ground, not meeting Rainbow’s glare. Flitter and Cloudkicker nodded in agreement, looking at Dash with hopeful eyes.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes with a smirk. “Yeah, I guess that’s good enough for me,” she stated, taking off once more. She flapped twice before turning back to the other ponies, “Oh, you guys can go now. We’re done now that the rain is pouring.” Rainbow flew a few feet before turning back to the receding ponies, “You all did so well. From now on, I’ll make sure you’re scheduled for every downpour!” she shouted to them.
Rainbow laughed as she heard the collective groans of her weather team. She glided skillfully through the pouring rain back towards Sweet Apple Acres. Stubborn pony. She’s probably still working, Dash thought. Rainbow maneuvered through the rain with ease, making good time on her way to the farm. She did a quick sweep around the backfields to try and catch a glimpse of her orange friend.
Instead of seeing Applejack, Rainbow Dash caught a glimpse of Fluttershy instead. What the hay is Fluttershy doing in the apple orchards? Dash thought. She hoofed her mane out of her eyes before swooping to the ground near her friend. “Hey, Flutters, what are you doing out here in the downpour?” Rainbow wondered.
Fluttershy let out a quiet “Eep!” before turning slowly to face Rainbow. Her mane stuck to her face, and her entire body shivered. “O-oh, h-hi, Rainbow D-dash. I was j-just out l-looking f-f-for Ang-gel Bunny. He ran o-out b-before the s-storm and hasn’t c-come back!” Fluttershy stuttered.
“Jeez, Flutters! You’re freezing! Come on, I’m taking you home. Angel will be fine. He’ll just do whatever he did before he had you, okay? He’ll be fine, “ Rainbow persuaded.
“B-but what i-if he doesn’t come h-home?!” Fluttershy panicked. Her lungs wheezed and she gasped. Fluttershy began coughing roughly.
Rainbow rolled her eyes and huffed. “I’ll help you look for him tomorrow, okay? You need to get home! He might even be at your house waiting for you!” Rainbow pled. Even she was beginning to shiver from the cold. Fluttershy nodded hastily, taking off from the ground off towards her home. Rainbow puffed her mane from her eyes, following after her friend.
3562327
Thanks for the critique, and I'll definitely take it all into account for the next chapter.
I never thought you'd actually see this, and it's kind of amazing really! Thank you so much for reading, and even more for writing Holding on to Nothing.
Thanks for the favourite too! :)
3562298
No problem! If you want to add to that word count, describe their surroundings. It doesn't have to be amazingly detailed or necessarily set the mood or anything, but telling us what the setting is like can give us an idea of where they are, no matter how ordinary it is.
3562333
I agree that its on the short side. As I become more acquainted I'll make them longer, I promise!
3562342
Thanks for the tip! That'll help a lot actually!
I must get in-touch with my more descriptive side.
So, you want some criticism on your story? Time to go through the categories.
1: Story. Haven't yet seen anything that I can note as amazing or horrendous as of yet. You're doing all right; the story isn't far enough along for me to give any true feedback here anyway.
2: Grammar. No noteworthy errors, as far as I could see. And about AJ's accent; I once saw a blog post on this site that made a well thought-out statement about how AJ's accent shouldn't be necessary, as we all know what her voice sounds like, and that it's her word choice that should differentiate her, not how she pronounces the word "I".
3: Story Execution. Needs a bit of work. There aren't very many details provided to any given object or event. The story is able to move along all right with the current level of detail, but a bit more would elevate it to a better status.
4: Length. A problem presents itself here; every chapter is SO DAMN SHORT. Just because you stopped writing for the day after 500 words doesn't mean you have to start a new chapter. At the current length of chapters, I would suggest combining every 4 to 20 chapters into one (I would recommend something closer to 4-I've written 6 complete and published fics on this site so far, and anything even close to 10k words a chapter seems an impossible goal).
3562492
I really appreciate the in-depth critique. Thank you for giving a rough guideline for length, that'll help out a bunch as I progress. Big thanks for the story execution critique. That's probably what will help me the most, and I believe that might contribute to the length as well.
I'm glad to know that AJ's lack of written accent doesn't take away from the story.
3562541 For the sake of convenience, I'll specify on length. Make every chapter 1.5 to 10k words long. For some reason, I felt the need to give you the answer to basic math that you can surely do on your own, but here you are.
wow great start! keep it up!
Good start but I have to agree with everyone else, just wish there was a bit more.
Definitely looking forward to seeing more. As others said, there isn't quite enough meat yet to see where this is going.
Also: at the fic name and use of feathermarking~
And finally, that pic's my commission to spittfireart. It's fine with me if you use it, though of course you should probably also check on her page.
I like it
The only problem that I have is the the chapters are a little short.
I feel like a chapter should be, on average, 1000 words.
Also keep an eye on the pacing, so far it is pretty good, but male sure it doesn't get too fast
3562492
Not in my experience. I usually aim for closer to 5-8k words per chapter, but I've gone over 10k on a regular basis, and once for three or four chapters in a row.
3563211
Oh my gosh, wow. I read your stories all the time! I'll definitely go talk to spittfireart.
Thanks so much for the feedback!
3563718
The name of the fic kinda tipped me off on that
I still don't get why Fluttershy would be upset. then again I still want to see if Rainbow get to be with Applejack! (please let it be).
3603702
She doesn't know what the gesture means if I recall correctly.
If this is the quality of your first story then I'll just give you a follow now. Needs some work, but that's been discussed above, it'll just take time and practice to smooth out your style and writing.