Luna Reviews the 'Harry Potter' Video Game Series

by BronyDan

Goblet of Fire

“I don’t like this game. I really don’t like this game. In fact, I would go so far as to say I hate this game. I, really, bucking hate this game! No, that is not good enough to describe my distaste for this, I believe the humans use a similar sounding word for this situation, so here it is: this game is FUCKING AWFUL, AND IS AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACEFUL EXCUSE OF A ‘HARRY POTTER’ GAME, IT HAS EVER BEEN MY DISPLEASURE TO HAVE PLACED IN MY GAME CONSOLES!!

I apologise for my outburst, but you must understand why I feel this way. ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’, is easily my favourite book in the series. The story I feel, is a perfect ending to the children style of storytelling of the first three books, as it begins to move towards the darker tone of the later books, its themes of friendship and loyalty are extremely prominent in this one, as Miss Rowling is able to show this through both the dialogue and by the actions of Harry, Ron and Hermione, beloved characters that were introduced before begin to return form this book onwards as we prepare for the inevitable war between Lord Voldemort who has now returned to full power by the end of the story. The movie, however, is clearly a watered down version, and while I can still enjoy it, it’s still the weakest movie in the series for me, due to how much was cut from the book. There were actually plans to split this movie into two parts, but they decided to keep that idea for the last book, but let’s see how far the game falls even by the movie’s standards.

First of all, the biggest problem is that you are no longer allowed to free-roam. Gone are the Zelda like elements of finding collectables, and swapping between spells in an RPG style. Now, you are just plonked in one area and you just have to follow the path to the end. I can understand that they wanted to try something new, but why completely change the whole layout of the game? And get used to these levels because you will be coming back to these a lot.

The plot is really just the table scraps of the basic plot. Everything gets explained through still cutscenes, and by that, I mean that there is no movement what so ever. And, am I the only one thinks the looked a little blurred? Did somepony spill Vaseline into the computer while they were processing it?

Like the last game, you can play as either Harry, Ron and Hermione, but you can’t swap between them, but it doesn’t really make any difference, seeing as how they all function the same, and while they do look a more like the actors, the actors themselves don’t provide their voices. I think only Ralph Fiennes reprises his role of Voldemort for the game. Also the voice-acting is quite weak. Ron just fine, but Hermione sounds a bit too stuck up, and Wormtail in the cutscenes… I don’t think the person was even trying to imitate Timothy Spall. Also, this is the last game narrated by Stephen Fry. I guess he had managed to get out while he had the chance. And another problem I have with the voice acting in this game is one small thing; THEY WILL NOT SHUT UP!! Every other second, you’ll hear them moaning and whining in the background, which could give you a massive headache if you’re fighting. Honestly I will dare anypony out there to play this game, and not want to perform Crucio on these idiots every time a Dugbog bites them, at least then they’ll have something to complain about.

The spells are completely random to work. Triangle is a new spell called Accio, which pulls beans towards you, Square is for the charms you pick up, and X is for everything else! Seriously, if you rapidly hit the X button, you just come out with random jinxes, and there’s nothing you can do to choose which one you want to use. But I think you would want to know, because at the end of each level, you get charted up on how many times you use a spell, and it increases your status ring. Seriously, you have to reach the status of ‘Novice’ in this game. I have to earn the right to be considered inexperienced? What in the regions of Tartarus was I before that, the equivalent of somepony wiping their flank and blowing their nose with the same paper?! But do you want to know what the biggest insult is? YOU NO LONGER HAVE FLIPENDO! You take out what was the most iconic, most beloved spell in the games, and you just replace it with random jinxes that we don't even know the names of or what they do?! That's the equivalent of taking away my dear sister's love of cake, you will now need to be prepared to pay for your mistakes! Circle activates something called ‘Magicus Extremos’, (real creativity there EA) which I suppose gives you stronger spells, but there really is no difference, except the screen goes blurry again, and has a tinge of blue around the corners of your television.

I really hate the enemies in this game! You do get some creatures from the book, like the Blast-Ending Skrewts and Bubotubers, but the rest should be made extinct, the worst are Dugbogs, Erklings, and the Vampyr Mosps! Dugbogs, because they will pop out of ground and bite you, which causes the annoying whining from the characters, Erklings, because… that’s what they do, they irk you, by shooting darts and you, and the Vampyr Mosps… did they go out of their way to make the most annoying enemy in the game? When these things appear in the level, be prepared to do nothing else but try and kill these things, because as soon as you kill one, another one immediately takes its place and it just goes on and on! JUST DIE, SO I CAN MOVE ON WITH THIS!!

The AI in this is… wow. Your two friends are completely incompetent sometimes. Most of the time, they don’t do shit to help you! I mean, I’m trying to pull this bridge down, but as you can see, I cannot, I need all three to pull it. Okay, now Harry’s casting Carpe Retractum to help, took him long enough, just waiting for Hermione. Hermione, we could use your help. This bridge is not going anywhere. STOP LOOKING AT THE WALL YOU BITCH AND HELP!! Sweet Celestia, what is over there that’s taking so much of your damn attention? It’s pissing down with rain, I’ve got Erkilings shooting at me, I may just give up and leave you two up here and go and meet Fred and George in the Common Room, oh wait, I can’t do that either, because you’re the ONLY THREE CHARACTERS IN THIS GAME AND THERE’S NO OTHER LOCATIONS!!

But the absolute worst thing about this game, is not the game setup or the mechanics, it’s not the voice acting and it’s not even the terrible AI. The worst part about this game is the constant back-tracking! Your main collectable in this game are Triwizard Shields, and finding all these is about as enjoyable, as say… being stuck on the moon for a thousand years! Levitating rocks into each other on the moon’s surface as more entertainment value, and trust your princess, she has done that! You are pretty much unable to continue with the game until you have gotten the correct number of shields, and that is made even more irritating with the fact that you also have mini shields as well, and collecting ten of those will give you an actual shield. You have to constantly go back to each location, search every nook and cranny just to make sure you haven’t missed anything, and after about twenty minutes of this, you tend to get bored.

Okay, so I’ve gotten enough shields to do the second task, I’ve gone through that, I’ve just gotten to the end in a reasonable time, got one shield and… what? WHAT?! I CAN’T CONTINUE TO THE THIRD TASK UNTIL I’VE COLLECT 11 MORE SHIELDS?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I WENT THROUGH JUST TO GET ENOUGH FOR THE LAST LEVEL, YOU SELFISH, GREEDY, RUTHLESS, NO GOOD GRAPHICAL SHIT STAIN OF A GAME?!

You know what? Fuck it. I am refusing to go any further. This is a first for me, I have never refused to try and complete a game before, but this… this has pushed me too far. I mean it’s not like we don’t know what’s going to happen, we do the maze, fight Voldemort, win and that’s it. What more do I need to say? The game is awful! What made EA think that this was the way for the ‘Harry Potter’ to go? The original games were fine the way they were, the free roaming, the finding collectables for help and fun were absolutely perfect for this type of series, not a single, straight to the end, level, with a few enemies to fight in between. Well it would seem that EA would learn from their mistake, because the next game doesn’t follow this setup, but let’s see if it’s any better for it?"

Comments

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Goblet of Fire is the point where the franchise starts out innocent, but by the end it is forever shattered. Sorry to see it had such a poor licenced game.

[The derpman]

Thank you.you pulled the words right out of my mouth.
I did compleat the game thou.

[OneFluzzyPuppy]

Meh.. I didn't like this game either. I mean, the book is easily on of my favorites, but the game was frustrating and the visuals crappy (to me).

[mrmidnight]

the Game boys better they got rid of the stupid sheild limiter finder, so it was completable but the worst was the yule ball dancing, and wizard fight

[kain541204]

i got a noah antwiler vibe from this perticualler chapter. not bad