Applejack is at a party thrown by an unusual host and after a few drinks Applejack's feelings begin to shine.
Chapters (2)
massive dawn fade fan
Joined 17th Jul, 2013 ·
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this story is not over right because i would like to see Jazz Apple the colt that Applejack and Flutttershy adopted grow up with Slice of Life in it or can you make another story about that and i like it
I voted this story down. Being young is not an excuse for taking no time for quality control. If you want your readers to take the time to read your story out of all the others here, put more effort into making a professional product.
The story idea is not bad, but it is rather cliche and quite rushed. Put yourself in Applejack's place. You've had a crush on somepony for more than a year. However, this is not just any normal pony. She's another Element of Harmony, a saviour of Equestria, and one of your best, most trusted friends. You are a pragmatic pony, one who looks at problems and takes time to solve them without rushing. While alchohol may loosen lips, you are someone who is usually in control of her actions. Is this how you want to confess your feelings for that special pony, and ask her to be yours?
Other readers may have more constructive criticism, but this is mine. Don't give up, but do try harder.
3534060 thanks for taking the time to read this I understand now what you were saying and I thank you again for telling me how I can improve my future works this is my first pony story and I hope that as time goes on fantastic people like you who speak their mind will help me improve my works. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy this particular fan fiction but i hope you will enjoy any future works.
3533893 Thanks I'm glad you enjoyed the story when I have some more time I will write the story you requested of me. At the mean time I am writing a Gothic horror story for my english GCSE and a science fiction story both of which are not pony related. Anyway thanks for reading my fan fic and i hope any writing you do goes well for you.
3536788 ok or if you want you can write that in this story
3537197 okay when i have finished the projects i am currently working on i will add the desierd chapter and thankyou again for showing an interest in my work
3537334 ok and your welcome again
3537197 if you want to write that in this story you can if you want i dont know how to let you though so if you want to do it you will have to tell me how to let you add it
3545174 ok and dose that mean that you will not add that to this story or put it in a new story
3545424 if you dont want to write it i will write it but i have allot of writing outside of mlp to do if you want to write it then be my guest but as i said i will write it if you dont want to
3551091 ok and i don't want to
3551110 ok i will let you know when i have done it and when i itend to start it
3551118 yeah and ok
3551126 have you read any good fanfics that are good recently
i need new reading material
3551223 no i have not
3551231 i have one you may like it is called we apples three and by the same author B.B.B.F.F.B.R they are well written and have a good plot. also my faverout author Dawnfade has written loads of good storys her best being vinyl and octavia university days and colours of the rainbow they are really well written and are my two faverout fanfictions.
3551246 ok and can you give me a link to it
...Oki doki loki kiddo, let's start with this...
Way too rushed, Fluttershy wanting to host a party?, what for?, there´s no explanation for that, Fanfics are stories about characters of something already make, the difference about stories with characters everyone already knows and the ones you created is that you have to keep loyal to their personalities. You can't just come and say that Fluttershy wanted to host a party. You should give an explanation for that at least. So Pinkie is drunk and she just goes and kiss Vinyl?. You write something about AJ revealing she is a fillyfooler, why don't start the story from there?.
The characters... Not character development at all. Ok... "My name is Applejack, im the element of honesty and im drunk, and because of that im going to reveal to a mare from i have been in love with for almost a year that i love her"... "hey im Fluttershy and yeah why not i love too"
Slow things down, take sometime to give some detail, to let us know what the characters feel, what you did there was only to put the first thing that crossed your mind in a text. Yes that is good, to write your ideas, but next time that you write the first thing that comes to your mind, take a moment to read it and add some more care to your work. Details, character development, situations, not just "i love you, you love me ,yay".
Read some good fanfics so you can see a little bit of what im talking about. I could recomend some really good ones for you to read, but first i need to know if you are interested and your age so i can give you some material proper for your age. Im not gonna give you a thumb down, im just gonna ask you to try and do your best so you can avoid all of those thumbs down, so you don't make people think they wasted their time reading this and get someone to read your work before posting it.