Rainbow Dash is lonely. She needs somebody to hold her close at night. In her time of need, an opportunity will present itself to the anguished mare, an opportunity that could resolve her problem.
The front door was shaded by olive trees, so they must have traveled some ways south Didn't Mac say they were going somewhere just outside Ponyville? They were quite just as surprised typo The waiter arrived to take their orders, which occurred after some miscommunication between Dash and the unicorn. Wait, what happened? That sounds like a scene worth having in a date story, getting embarrassed by messing up, but then (presumably) reassured. "I hope you didn't get something too fancy." What?! You're sitting across the table from him, how could you possibly have missed what he said when ordering? If he had pre-ordered, then there wouldn't be a waiter in the first place! Rainbow Dash was feeling passion. I would've expected intimidation, given the implied lack of experience on her part, but alright. "I am not always so extroverted around others." ...Extraversion is when you enjoy being around a lot of people, not just when you're able to talk to someone. But eh, characters can be mistaken about things. - The bit where they talk about how many they've slept with seems a little strange. "Only 4 others", "just a dozen"... while not unrealistic numbers, they seem incongruous with both the show and the stereotypical sappiness so far. But more than that it's them giving numbers at all, I think - if they were drunk enough to talk that freely they'd probably have trouble talking altogether. Or standing. "I've been thinking the exact same thing!" That whole sequence is another eye-roller. Too good to be true, like something out of a story... Given Mac's experience, I'd expect him to be standoffish but open to the idea. "Let's see if it works out first", sort of thing.
Overall, I'm most unhappy about Mac transforming into a different person. There's almost no worrying about the future, as if it's a given that they'll work together.
OMG!!! RD FINALLY BEING STRAIGHT!!! I'M SO HAPPY I'M CRYING!!!!
dis is getting SOOOOO good
3576613
Yup, MacinDash is best hetro Dash ship :D
3577555 Agree.
Various parts bothered me about this chapter. Some small, some big.
Her breathing was attempting to be calmed down
typo
But she did have friends. Those friends wouldn't be the same, after all, she wanted somepony to love her.
Looks like the "but" should be at the beginning of the other sentence.
The sun was beginning to start its descent, harkening the time called evening,
Purple prose.
Too many words for "the sun was setting", which is plenty to call forth mental images of beautiful sunsets.
For a brief moment, Rainbow Dash's pupils retracted to the point of being a period in a vast white expanse called eyes.
ditto
-
What is Mac standing on? The chariot? Or are there stones regular ponies can stand on built into the cloud-house? It's a distraction that could be explained away with a passing comment in the narration at this point.
two portals to the soul even more than usual.
Purple again. Also so cliché it made me my eyes roll reflexively.
It's a nice comparison, but it should probably not be used outside of dialogue or personal thoughts, where you can get away with being sappy.
and clearly the mare was just as so.
typo
Considering that Macintosh had helped him out of more than just a few troubles, the middle-aged pegasus was eager to lend his service.
Who? If it's from Mac's perspective it'd be weird if he just referred to his acquaintance as "the middle-aged pegasus", and if it's omniscient narration, just throw out a name, we'll forget it soon enough.
enclosed in a close embrace.
Enclosed by what? You can't be enclosed in something, that's the same as just being in... whatever it is.
Somewhere around this point in my first read-through the clichés had piled up enough that I was irritated by them instead of letting them slide.
Mac suddenly revealing his eloquent side is just... How was this aspect needed for the story? He talks like something out of a stereotypical romance novel, which not only hurts immersion, it has the unfortunate implication that him being as he usually is, isn't good. It wasn't foreshadowed, either.
The front door was shaded by olive trees, so they must have traveled some ways south
Didn't Mac say they were going somewhere just outside Ponyville?
They were quite just as surprised
typo
The waiter arrived to take their orders, which occurred after some miscommunication between Dash and the unicorn.
Wait, what happened? That sounds like a scene worth having in a date story, getting embarrassed by messing up, but then (presumably) reassured.
"I hope you didn't get something too fancy."
What?! You're sitting across the table from him, how could you possibly have missed what he said when ordering? If he had pre-ordered, then there wouldn't be a waiter in the first place!
Rainbow Dash was feeling passion.
I would've expected intimidation, given the implied lack of experience on her part, but alright.
"I am not always so extroverted around others."
...Extraversion is when you enjoy being around a lot of people, not just when you're able to talk to someone. But eh, characters can be mistaken about things.
-
The bit where they talk about how many they've slept with seems a little strange. "Only 4 others", "just a dozen"... while not unrealistic numbers, they seem incongruous with both the show and the stereotypical sappiness so far. But more than that it's them giving numbers at all, I think - if they were drunk enough to talk that freely they'd probably have trouble talking altogether. Or standing.
"I've been thinking the exact same thing!"
That whole sequence is another eye-roller. Too good to be true, like something out of a story...
Given Mac's experience, I'd expect him to be standoffish but open to the idea. "Let's see if it works out first", sort of thing.
Overall, I'm most unhappy about Mac transforming into a different person. There's almost no worrying about the future, as if it's a given that they'll work together.
3578582
Thanks for the free proofreading, I'll go back over the chapter and fix up some things that you pointed out.
On a side note, I never new what "purple prose" was until today.
3577555 I was also planning to make a fanfic like this but it's a different pairing. Still working out a title, though.
3581653
Awesoem
either you meant hearts, or Mac just lost his stallionhood!
Very interesting side you have to him here, a proper gentlecolt. So, clop next, eh? Well, you know where to come if you need any advice.