You Sure It's Your Castle?
“Princess Celestia, are you sure we can’t try digging underneath the castle?” Twilight asked, following her teacher.
“Yes Twilight,” she sighed. “I am fairly confident that would not work.”
Following the previous events, Equestria’s powerful ruler had to be, rather embarrassingly, dragged back from the battlefield by her student and friends; she had only just regained consciousness a short time ago, and made it a point to try and, at least, get home under her own power. If anything else, she could at least make it back to her castle in a dignified manner.
Well, the term ‘dignified’ was used rather slightly; nothing about the Sun Princess looked very regal anymore. Her head hung low and there was a tired glow about her, and even her flowing mane had retracted to the normal texture of hair. More obvious were the scars of battle; she carried a few bruises on her head from being crushed, and on her sides, and… pretty much everywhere. All that immortality and pain still hurt badly.
Twilight’s other friends had all gone home, or onto other things, leaving the unicorn to watch over their unconscious leader. Though teleporting Celestia all the way to Canterlot, with Rarity’s assistance, was relatively easy, having to explain to ponies what happened and control their fears were not.
“Well, maybe we could get a bunch of pegasi to make it rain and it would flood their castle and they’d be forced out?” Twilight continued to brainstorm.
“No, Twilight,” Celestia said.
“Well… maybe… uh, no… Wait, what if… what if we got a bunch of unicorns and picked up the castle with our magic, and just… threw it… somewhere else, maybe?”
“No, Twilight. We won’t be doing anything of the sort,” Celestia said. “Just leave them be and eventually they will go away.”
“But we can’t just leave those monsters out in the forest!” Twilight argued. “What if they branch out and decide to actually invade? What if they start taking over our castles? What if-”
“Twilight! It will be fine!” Celestia growled in a tone of weary anger. “I am sure that if they ever try to leave that castle, we can deal with them easily. They would be on our ground, and we would be able to deal with them easily. We know every corner and block of our land, so we should have no trouble. Does that make you feel better?”
“A little, but I’ve still got a bad feeling, Princess,” Twilight responded as the two finally reached the castle gates.
“To be frank, Twilight, please take your worries elsewhere,” Celestia ordered. “I am… just too tired for it. All I want to do now is sink into a hot bubble-bath with a slice of cake and then go to bed.”
Celestia then looked up at the massive wooden double-doors at the entrance to the royal castle and starting knocking hard on them with her hoof like she was knocking on the door to a friend’s house. To Twilight, that seemed a bit odd, as the Princess should not even need to knock, especially on the massive entrance to the castle itself. Then, she noticed there were no guards to be seen anywhere; not at the doors, nor on the castle walls. Where could they have all gone?
“Ugh, why will the guards not open this door!?” Celestia grunted, letting the day’s stress get to her. “I swear if I find those lazy ponies, I’ll… I’ll… wait, what’s that?”
Celestia stopped knocking when a strange sound came out from the castle; it sounded a lot like some kind of snickering. Celestia stepped back from the gate and stared at it, rubbing her hoof against her head in a confused manner. Though the Princess was trying to decipher what was going on, Twilight had already figured it out. A worried look came over her face, but the trouble erupted before she could give a warning to her teacher.
There was a sharp snap and the sound of wood and mechanics working in motion. This was followed by a whine; not a machine’s whine this time, but an animal’s whine. It sounded a good deal like a sheep. And, looking up to see what it was, they saw it was indeed a sheep, baaing as it flew through the air towards where they were standing.
“Oh no, not again!” Celestia cried as she and Twilight fell to the ground, hooves over their heads, as the sheep crashed onto their backs.
“‘Allo, you daffy horn-horse and ze madame Sun Princess who ez afraid of a duck, you know!” the French guard taunted, leaning over the concrete wall standing on top of the gate. “So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!”
“How dare you! How dare you take this castle from me! This is the royal castle of Canterlot! Erected one-thousand years ago to commemorate peace and prosperity under my rule!” Celestia yelled, her weariness replaced with a fresh rage. “I demand that you evict from this place at once!”
The Frenchman merely laughed at her before responding.
“Ah, one more time I unclog mah nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser!” the guard laughed. “Zis castle and all ze treasure inside are now property of masta Guy de Lombard and ze Kingdom of France!”
“You will not take anything from my castle! Do you hear me!?” the alicorn angrily ordered below.
“Oh, but we already have em!” The French guard said, reaching down and picking up two handfuls of gold. “And we’re gonna use et to make towers and arches and ah wagonload of Oscars zat we’ll give to Jean Dujardin!”
“You will do no such thing!”
“Ya, well we already did et!” the Frenchman taunted, pointing over to his right.
Over there, in the middle of Canterlot, was a massive tower made entirely out of gold, standing on four legs. It was absolutely massive, and far taller than any other building in the sprawling city. It was so high that the top actually reached far above the clouds, and unsuspecting pegasi were starting to ram into it and fall to their deaths.
“How did we miss that earlier?” Twilight wondered aloud.
“It’s ah nice Eiffel, no?” The guard asked. “It adds a touch a culture to zis city.”
If Celestia was not angry before, she certainly was now.
“How dare you deface my home with this… crude work!”
“Ah, ze silleh little Princess has no taste for culture because she es a hopeless afterling!” he cried, pointing at her. “You have no honor, dim-witted daughters of flag-fallen fools!”
“My guards will tear this monstrosity to the ground! Do you hear me!?” she yelled.
Deep down, Celestia knew it would not be that easy. Somehow these things had managed to overpower her entire Royal Guard and capture her castle. There was not a guard to be seen anywhere, but how did they do it? How could they have defeated that entire force and her sister to take control of the royal castle?
That thought, in turn, brought another, more horrifying one. Where was Luna? She was in the castle, so what happened to her? She could have escaped, but that was unlikely, as she would have come to tell her of the castle’s fall. Was she dead; had she been executed by these evil things? Maybe she was being held prisoner? Either way, Celestia knew she had to find out.
“What have you done with my sister!?” she shouted. “Where is Luna!?”
“Hello sister!” the dark blue alicorn shouted, appearing on the wall alongside the French guard. “Have you met our new friends?”
Celestia stared at her sister, shocked and confused.
“L-Luna? Are you alright?” she asked.
“You should not talk in such a manner to our guests, especially ones as kind and charming as these,” Luna replied, a happy grin on her face. “Look at us! We have taken them into our home with open hooves!”
“W-what!?”
“She’s a very nice, eh?” the guard said. “She’ll make a lovely queen!”
“Queen!?” Celestia howled angrily, getting a crazy look in her eye and charging her horn. “That is enough! I will not be betrayed by my own sister! I will blast this castle into space if I must! I will throw you all into the sun!”
The French guard chuckled to himself and quickly turned to his comrades hiding behind the wall.
“Fetchez le bouchon!”
Celestia aimed her horn at the castle while Twilight watched, not thinking it wise to interfere. Before she could fire, something shot down from the top of the wall of what looked like a sling shot, and struck the tip of her horn. Looking oddly at it, she noticed it was a mere cork. But as she tried to start her magic again, she found it blocked by the tiny object.
“W-what!?” she stammered. “How!?”
“You knaw on that, you daggle-tailed blonk!” the guard laughed.
Celestia, pretty much out of options, resorted to running up and banging angrily on the door.
“I demand that you open this sacred sanctuary at once!” she repeated, not really thinking anything would change.
“So, you sink you can out-clever us French folk vith your silly knees-bent runnin’ about behavior?” the guard called down, as others joined him on the wall. “I wave mah private parts at your aunties you heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters!”
“It truly is not flattering to act this way, Tia,” Luna called down with a chuckle. “Perhaps if you had retained the Royal Canterlot Voice, you would hold more authority!”
“Open! Now!” Celestia demanded again.
“No chance, horsey bedwetting types!” the guard answered. “I burst mah pimples at you and call your daughter an unrequested silly-thing; you tinneh-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms!”
“If you do not open we shall take this castle by force,” Celestia warned as a last bluff.
Rather than respond to yet another empty threat, the French guards resorted to attacking her again. Rather than throw objects at her, they instead poured a stream of liquid down onto her. A long, dank, smelly, ugly-looking stream, followed by a few solid bits that hit her in the head.
“Ugh! This is…. Ugh,” she sighed, finally accepting defeat and turning away from the gate.
Twilight, who was still standing aside, watched her go by.
“Um… Princess Celestia? What do we do now?” she asked.
“I’m staying at the library for a while, Twilight,” Celestia replied.
“But what about-”
“Walk away, just ignore them.”
As the two trotted off, the French began to toss all manner of things at them, including rocks and more animals.
“No! remain you illegitimates-faced buggerfouls! And if you think ya think ya gotta nasty taunt this time you ain’t heard nothing yet!”
Remember when I said this was just one chapter?
I'm honestly stunned at how popular this has become. Like really; it's not that good guys, it's something I wrote one night when I was tired and had nothing to do. It's just a trend thing; not much compared to stories others have written, or even I wrote.
I mean, it's not terrible, it's nice for a little laugh; but there's a ton of other stories out there with so much more work and thought and detail. Those ones with substance are what stand the test of time.
And on an unrelated note, Christ an accurate French accent is hard to do! It's like an odd middle-ground between English and German, which geographically made sense. I feel like I overdid it the first time, so I toned it back here; though I have a feeling it might have been by too much. And I'm sure I butchered the actual French phrase... so sorry for that.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading!
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I vomit in your general direction on the roller coaster.
It's good because it's French. And hilarious.
4714813
I'll keep that in mind
That nickname is the only thing here that kinda irks me
4714821
Eh, sorry. It's really more personal preference in that area.
Celestia knows she could just set up a burning pillar of flame where they stood, correct?
4068322 Welcome To The Animals!
I always knew Luna had French leanings, that ridiculous French name for a start. There is only one thing for it... Embargo All The Wine And Cheese, for without the source of their power, they shall fall! And then tell Fluttershy that they eat Frogs... and finally, send for this man:
4714829 Dude. Comedy.
Dirty Equestrian keniggities!
*blows raspberry.
I love this
Wanna beat the French?
Send in the Germans. You won't even have to fight!
I
Monty python.
Nice!
How to overthrow a sun but princess.
1: Insert Frenchmen.
4717562
Jesus, this is you're 3rd account? You ever tried writing down that password of yours?
4717574
I did write a password for this one.
4716427 And if the Germans don't work, you can always try the Spanish Inquisition.
Well, I guess that means that Twilight's gonna have to start her own country
4717574 I can personally recall 22 passwords... all of which are between 12 and 20 characters.
Yes!!. Hey are the french going to start taking over the mane six houses?
I can't... I can't... I can't... I can't stop laughing!
Soooo, I guess Spike just stood around, doing and saying nothing, after he summoned Celestia? I loved this at first (partly because of Monty Python, partly because all seven of the mane six were en route), but when it became obvious that you had forgotten him, I skimmed the rest. Then I downvoted, because I'm sick and fucking tired of people forgetting Spike while somehow managing to remember all six goddamned ponies.
Opinions aside, it is very fucking clumsy and unprofessional to establish a character and then forget he or she exists. We're talking G.M. Berrow levels of fail here.
I love it!
I am strangely compelled to learn French now...
I enjoyed this! The first chapter was good for a chuckle, but the second one was very creative and had me snickering with glee the whole way through. Why am I not surprised that Luna helped the French?
I'll bet $5 that the French will be at the library when they arrive.
5212325 You're on! Do you have change for a ten though?
5641824
5641824 Indeed I do!
5642339 Alright, then the bet's on!
*Slaps a ten on the table*
Spin the wheel!
6440295 Yes.
Great story. Have some really fond memories of Monty Python and it did them justice.
It was cool to read some fan favorite insults and some original ones as well. They all blended together nicely and didn't seem forced or labored, however I'd be really careful about how I incorporated Monty Python's work into a story like this, but you changed up quite a bit... whether or not that would be considered parody or "transformative" I'm not a good authority on. At worst I'd call it homage and good fun
Anywho, have to suspend the disbelief that Celesta's got wings. Would be interesting to read about the French repelling flying ponies more than they did, but that's not the point... they are obnoxious, boisterous, and unpleasant. That was captured beautifully.
There are a couple minor errors throughout the story. Can't recall all of them, but one's in the opening:
Spike wined as the group marched through the woods.
I take it you meant whined.
Hate being that guy, but it stuck out a bit... unless it's a joke (French stereotypically drink wine), which a reader might not get it right away.
All in all fun read. Like'd/fav'd
7392180 Machinations in the Dark or something
LE SURRENDER
4745687
Ever heard of a side character in this story spike is one
Then Celestia and Twilight were arrested for trying to destroy Luna's castle.
oh I needed this today, thank you very much
10060631
Rumours say they were last seen on fluffy chairs the French loaned from the Spanish. The duo was found guilty of treason against Lunastria and was sentenced to the aforementioned chairs.