Another Displaced Human Dilemma

by The Grey Pegasus

[15] [S4E13]-Simple Ways

Another Displaced Human Dilemma
By: The Copper-Eyed Pegasus

< 15 >

Simple Ways

Page flip.

"Looks like you're starting to have Rainbow Dash rub off on you."

I was currently hovering alongside Twilight as we walked along, headed to the town center where they were holding the announcement ceremony for the Ponyville Days pony, which was apparently the coordinator position for the whole event. In my hooves was a book about Ponyville's history, because I sort of wanted to have context about the whole thing.

<I thought you already read about the history of Ponyville though. Like, when you first entered the library all the way back a few months ago.>

It was a general history of Ponyville. This one actually had records of the previous Ponyville Days too.

"It keeps my hooves free," I answered Twilight. "I don't have fancy magic to hold books in front of me so I can read while walking." And it's not like I can walk normally on my hind legs for long distances either...

Twilight giggled. "I understand."

"Hey there, y'all!"

We turned our heads to see Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie and Fluttershy approach us.

"Hey, everyone!" Twilight greeted.

"What an exciting day it is," Rarity smiled.

I landed on the ground and tucked the book I was reading underwing. "Seems so."

"What were you reading there, Stardust?" Fluttershy asked.

"Just things about Ponyville and what this event is about."

Applejack laughed. "You're like Twilight all over again. Straight to the books if ya don't have a clue 'bout what's goin' on in the town."

"Well..."

"The festival is about celebratin' the founding of Ponyville!" Applejack slapped me on the back happily. "Come on, Stardust, how hard can that be? It's about havin' a great time celebratin' who we are as ponies of Ponyville."

"Well I guess..."

Applejack, using her hoof still wrapped around me, shook me around playfully. "There ain't no 'I guess', Dusty! It's as simple as it gets!"

Everyone as had a chuckle at my expense, but I smiled along.

"Hey, everypony!" Just then, Rainbow flew in from somewhere behind us, joining us just as we about to cross one of the bridges leading over the creek that cut through Ponyville. "What's going on?" As we crossed the bridge—"Wow! I can't believe how many ponies showed up!"

"I can!" Pinkie said. "I mean, finding out who the Ponyville Days pony of ceremonies is is a pretty big deal!"

We followed the crowd that was coalescing around Town Hall, where the pick for the festival coordinator would be announced. From the building emerged Mayor Mare, and behind her, three old ponies. They all took their positions, at the podium and at a reserved table respectively. Meanwhile, we all stood amongst the crowed, waiting patiently.

"I didn't know Granny Smith was on the selection committee," Twilight said.

"Of course she is," Applejack replied. "Ponyville Days celebrates the founding of Ponyville, and she was right there."

Yeah, Ponyville isn't an old town. It's somewhere around, what, 75 or something by what I read?

"I'm glad the committee didn't automatically pick me so everypony gets a chance to see how great being me actually is!" Pinkie started. "Even though the festival's basically a party and the pony of ceremonies gets to organize the whole thing! So it'd totally make sense if they did pick me."

Everyone around us shushed her up. Then we heard the microphone feedback as Mayor Mare prepared to speak at her podium.

"Citizens of Ponyville," the mayor began, "this year's applicants were all exceptional, but there can only be one Ponyville Days pony of ceremonies. And that pony is..."

Suspense! Everyone held their breaths... and Pinkie to the point that her head inflated like a balloon and started floating. Oh, Pinkie.

The three judges finalized whatever they were talking about, and Granny Smith gave over the piece of paper with the decision to the mayor.

"Rarity!"

The crowd cheered her a congratulations.

"Whoo-ee!" Applejack exclaimed. "Alright, Rarity!"

"Yeah!" Rainbow agreed from her normal position hovering above us. "Whoo-oo-oo!"

"Congratulations, Rarity!" Twilight said. "Do you know what you're gonna do?"

Somehow, already, Spike came in rolling in a table with a model of Ponyville.

<But is it HO scale?>

Ha. I mean, it's not like Rarity knew she would become this year's coordinator, right?

Rarity looked smugly confident. "Oh, I might have a few ideas."

<<+>>

We found ourselves in Rarity's boutique to hear her presentation on her plan's for this year's Ponyville Days. There was an easel with a drawing board and a record player—

<Gramophone.>

—uh... well, if that's what it is, set up on the runway, but Rarity herself was still backstage preparing.

Pinkie, as usual, was bouncing in anticipation. "I'm so excited for the festival, I can hardly stand up straight!" Then she flopped to the ground, eliciting an eye roll from Rainbow.

"Me too," Twilight agreed. "I'm glad Rarity was picked. I know she'll add a touch of elegance to the whole thing!"

"Probably more than a touch!" Applejack added.

The boutique lights turned off, and the runway lights turned on. Spike stepped out from the curtains for the presentation. He cranked the gramophone up and it started playing this old-timey music.

He cleared his throat and began reading from some cards. "This year's Ponyville Days festival, designed by Rarity, will feature various high-class events such as... a silent cider auction and tasting."

Ooh, nice drawing...

"... A Ponyville gala in town square..."

More nice illustrations...

"... And, of course, a Ponyville fashion show."

I mean, everyone else was 'oohing and aahing' at the events themselves, but god, it's been so long since I've been able to draw on my own. Darn hooves. Is it bad to indulge for a bit on seeing some nice sketches?

"This year's Ponyville Days festival pony of ceremonies creates shimmering couture of her own design."

A spotlight turned on, lighting the burgundy curtain. They opened up to reveal Rarity wearing yet another of her dress designs—"And the theme is... 'Small Town Chic'!"

"Wow, Rarity," Twilight beamed, "You really have put a lot of effort into this."

"I'll say," Applejack agreed.

"Oh, I think it's going to be magical," Fluttershy said.

Rarity gasped at the compliment. "Do you really think so?"

"Totally, Rarity," I added in. I'd give a very approving thumbs up if I still had hands.

"I can't wait!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Oh, that's such a relief," Rarity said. The house lights came back on, and Rarity descended the runway on some stairs. "But of course, I couldn't possibly do it all on my own. The festival is in three days!"

"Pinkie Pie and I can hang lights and decorations in the town square!" Rainbow offered. "Hey, Dust, wanna help?"

"Sure thing," I answered, glad to help around.

"Yay!" Pinkie cheered.

"And I can get Sweet Apple Acres all ready for the cider tastin'," Applejack said.

"Oh, that's just perfect!" Rarity smiled. "And now, Twilight, if you and Fluttershy wouldn't mind helping with the fashion show..."

"Of course!" Twilight enthusiastically replied.

"I'd be honored," Fluttershy also agreed.

"I can focus on the thing I'm worried about most of all," Rarity said, as if there was some great overarching thing at stake.

"What?" we all asked.

Rarity seemed to be bubbling with anticipation. "Creating a Ponyville Days festival fantastic enough to impress... Trenderhoof!"

...

Applejack broke the silence. "Uh, who's Trenderhoof?"

"What?! How can you not know who Trenderhoof is? Trenderhoof is only the most amazing, handsomest travel writer to have ever traveled or written! Before Las Pegasus became an Equestria travel destination, he wrote about it! Before the culinary revolution in Trottingham, he discovered it! He knows what's going to be hot even before it's tepid!"

Rarity revealed to us this small shrine she apparently had of this pony.

"He's a... travel journalist," I said. "That wears fancy sweaters and hipster glasses."

I mean, I guess some ladies fall for this kind of tacky thing. I think I saw Rarity jerk a bit at my opinion though. Heh.

"Sounds like somepony has a little bit of a crush," Twilight smirked.

"Oh, Twilight, "crush" doesn't even begin to describe it. He's practically divine. I can't believe he's coming!" Rarity continued her gushing over this pony, hugging a picture of him.

"Ay, Rares," I said, a small smirk and a brow up, "You can't really say that for sure unless you manage to wrap your hooves around him and, uh, work your magic, eh?"

The snark elicited various reactions, mostly the stifling of laughter. Rainbow's hovering wavered, and Applejack punched me in the shoulder, but she was also clearly holding back a grin.

I didn't know if Rarity heard me or agreed with me, but if it's the latter, well... at least she doubled down on her personal beliefs.

<<+>>

It was the following day, and preparations for Rarity's Ponyville Days festival were underway.

"Dust!" Rainbow called out. "You think this looks even enough?"

I flew over to her position to look at our work, hanging up long decorative banners. "Mmm... well, the left side is hanging a bit higher than the right, plus the center is off. Guess we'll have to budge it over a bit."

Rainbow rubbed her chin. "Do you think we really have to? I mean, I don't think it's that noticeable."

I pursed my lips. "Well, Rarity might."

"Hm, guess you're right." She flew over to the banner, and I followed her lead. We took up opposite ends of the banner and adjusted it as we previously saw fit.

"By the way," Rainbow said, "about what happened during my birth-iversary... I mean, I guess you had a point, but couldn't it have waited until after the party? I think it made us a bit mopey inside during the entire time."

"Uh... yeah. Right. Whoops." I furrowed my brow in annoyance. "Point still had to be made though. Maybe while it was all fresh in their minds." I shrugged. "Besides, Cheese also needed to hear that bit on being a better communicator..."

"Well, maybe... but still..." With that, we finished fixing the banner.

"Lights!" We looked down to see Pinkie bouncing up and down to hang up lights. "Heeey guys!" she greeted us upon noticing our fixation on her. "Wanna help?"

"Well, I think we've got the big banners done," Rainbow said. "Let's take a break a bit from the rest of them and help Pinkie out with the lights."

"Sure," I said. But just then, my ears caught a commotion off to the side.

"Well, that will never do!"

That sounded like Rarity. And turning my head in that direction did reveal that it was, in fact Rarity... who was—

"Rarity, what are you wearin'?" Applejack asked, justifiably questioning Rarity's strange fancy, uh, farm clothing? Also beside her was this brown unicorn stallion, wearing an argyle sweater and glasses. Wonder who he was.

"What, this old thing?" Rarity asked.

"Aren't you too busy plannin' the festival to keep makin' new outfits for it?"

"I am. But the thought of hauling apples inspired me, and I just couldn't stop myself!"

Um... something's up—

"Really?" And Applejack knew it also.

"If there's one thing I love, it's hauling apples!" Rarity declared very strangely.

"I'm growing fond of it myself," the stallion said dreamily.

"Yo, Dust, what's up?" Rainbow suddenly asked, now hovering beside me.

"I dunno, but Rarity's up to some weird things, and I wanna find out," I answered. "Because it seems like it'll be fun."

"I'm feeling a tad inspired," the stallion sang, "Without farm life, there'd be such disparity, these thoughts I think with great clarity, apples high to the sky, she's the one of my eye, that fruit-hauling pony named..."

Wait, fruit-hauling? But wait, that doesn't describe Rar—

"—Applejack!"

You know, I could sense Rarity's great disappointment just from seeing her movements. I guess this was Trenderhoof?

I mean, damn, the dude even has an argyle pattern as a cutie mark! I guess his purpose in life is to be some trendy hipster type? HAAA. This is the guy, I guess. He walked away seemingly entranced by Applejack.

This guy gave me uncomfy vibes already.

"Stardust!" Rarity had turned her attention to me.

"Huh?" was my immediate reaction.

She looked at me with hints of desperation. "Stardust, you're a guy. What am I doing wrong?!"

My expression grew even more confused, even though mentally, I think I'd already figured it out. "Eh?!"

"That..." Rarity turned her head in the direction of where Applejack and Trenderhoof went off to. "That was Trender. But for some reason, he's become obsessed with Applejack and not me!"

"Hey guys!" To our side, Spike ran up to us. "What's up now?"

"Trender is still latching on to Applejack!" Rarity exclaimed. She looked back to me. "Spikey here's just a little dragon, and I appreciate his support, but you're a stallion-y stallion, right Stardust? You have better senses about the male mind! So what am I doing wrong?!"

By now, Rarity was in my face pleading, so I pushed her away to give myself some room. "Geez, don't ask me," I said, looking my eyes away. "I'm a stallion-y stallion, not whatever that campy colt is..."

Rarity made a noise and a slightly shocked expression.

"What, were you hopin' for something more helpful?" I asked with a slightly unamused expression.

She returned the flat expression. "Perhaps..."

"So what if Trender is tacky and campy on the outside," I said, giving my plain analysis, "he's apparently into the whole 'strong, workin' mare' thing on the inside. Must be all the muscle and sweat and feminine ruggedness or whatever AJ's got goin' on..." Then I mumbled, "Come to think of it, I guess a guy like him would be into the strong, dominant type..."

Rarity seemed to hang on my words. "Maybe you're right! Maybe I should just be assertive and come onto him!"

I reeled back at that. "I was joking!" I exclaimed somewhat worriedly. "Including about that bit back at the boutique the other day!"

"Well, maybe I don't need your help then," the unicorn said as she strode away with new determination, with Spike accompanying her. "I'll just figure it out myself!"

I facehoofed. "I already told you AJ has qualities you don't, Rares..."

With that, I trailed Rarity and Spike off towards Sweet Apple Acres.

<<+>>

Rarity seemed to have gotten herself into a bit of a bind, trying to do 'farm things'. It ended about as well as you'd expect an urban-dweller would do, when trying to impersonate a rural native.

"Rarity, why do you want to plow a field?" Spike justifiably asked her as she rode on top of the plow, accomplishing nothing.

"Is it me, or could this use a splash of color?" Rarity examined the plow some more. "And maybe a wash!"

Facepalm-slash-facehoof.

"Don't we need to check on the gala decorations?"

"Yes, yes, of course, but Trend obviously has a thing for farm life. If I can't convince him that I'm just as much of a farm hoof as Applejack, I'll never get him interested in the festival."

"The festival. Right." Spike wasn't buying any of it.

"And I do appreciate your help ever so much. I couldn't do a thing without you, Spikey-poo."

That seemed to win Spike back. "Well, that's what friends are for!"

"Right, so—" Rarity mounted the plow... for some reason. Then she took the ropes in her hooves like they were reins. "Come on!... Farm... thing!" She sighed in defeat. "Oh, how does Applejack do it?"

"Well, it would help if the harness was on right!" Applejack said as she arrived, still being followed by Trenderhoof. "What are you doin'?"

"I am simply lending a hoof with the chores," Rarity said, "which I love doing ever so much."

"Well if you're still interested after the festival I can teach you all about it," Applejack said, taking the ropes over from Rarity and putting on the harness. "But right now, I need to get the plowin' done, if you don't mind."

And with that, Applejack pulled away, leaving Rarity to topple backwards off of the plow and by Trenderhoof. However, the unicorn stallion had no interest in her, and moved past her to watch the farmer.

"She makes it look so easy," Spike noted.

"I know," Trenderhoof admired, his eyes still latched on the earth pony. "Isn't she fantastic?"

You know, I was starting to feel a little bit jealous. AJ's best pony, and I like to feel superior in accepting that fact. Not that I would ever approach her, because she's more of 'I'd totally chill and have drinks with her' best pony, but still.

<<+>>

A little while later, Trenderhoof was still stalking Applejack as she went about her work, and I went about stalking everyone as they all continued their conflict.

This time, Applejack was up to some apple-bucking.

He clapped upon seeing Applejack's work collecting the fruit. Applejack's expression conveyed that she was getting pretty tired of his shit.

And wow, holy fuck is this guy a weirdo.

"I really don't see what the fuss is all about," Rarity said.

And neither do I, Rares. To everything happening.

She went up to a tree and inspected it, tapping it with a booted hoof.

"Now, Rarity, you be careful," Applejack said. "If you don't get the buckin' just right, you could sprain a hoof."

"I am perfectly familiar with the apple-bucking process, thank you very much," Rarity said. "But while you seem to rely on raw power, I believe a certain amount of style is required. It's really more of a dance, if you ask me." Rarity did this dance as she winded up for the buck, I guess.

She was rewarded with a single apple for her... dainty effort.

"Et voilà!"

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Well, your way is definitely long on style."

"Thank you," Rarity said, seemingly pleased with herself.

"Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have some more chores to do." Applejack walked away yet again, escaping Trenderhoof by going into the chicken coop. "Inside!"

"Rarity, can I ask you something?" Trenderhoof said.

Rarity beamed at finally getting his attention. "Oh, why, Trend, you can ask me anything."

"I've been meaning to ask for a while, and frankly I'm sort of embarrassed. Rarity... do you think... Applejack would be my date for the festival?"

Wham. And when you push Rarity—

"Why don't you go fucking ask her yourself?! Hmph!"

I stifled a laugh. Really now? Well! I bet that wasn't in the script, but boy does it enhance it! And still Rarity!

I flew off to go make sure I didn't miss Applejack sneaking off somewhere else out of my sight.

<<+>>

Applejack found her way into her barn, so I flew in through one of the second floor windows to continue listening in.

"Well, that was close," I heard Applejack breath in relief.

"If you've come to apologize, there's really no need," Rarity said, somehow already in the barn.

"What are you talkin' about?"

"Let's dispense with the charade, shall we?"

"Listen, I know you really want Trend to like you—"

"And he does! Despite somepony's best efforts!" Things were getting a bit heated down there.

"I swear I don't know why he's payin' so much attention to me. And I don't know anypony who's that interested in farmin'. Not even me!"

From the floor above them, I saw Rarity hitch up a wagon and begin walking away with it. "Well, maybe it's time Trend met a real country pony."

"Shouldn't you be workin' on the festival instead of comin' up with new ways to impress Trend?"

"Oh, I'm sure you'd love that. Well, I have a new vision for the festival." Then Rarity suddenly switched to a country—or more accurately, redneck accent. "And it's gonna be more country than the whole Apple family put together!"

I held back my laughter as best as I could. This was absurd—but hilarious! Rarity, you don't disappoint.

"Alright, Stardust, get down from there!"

I jerked back to reality as Applejack called me. I looked over the side of the loft. "How long did you know?"

"I saw you flyin' around earlier," Applejack said. "I ain't blind. Hell, my senses were turned all the way up before I got in here..."

I flew down from the loft, then bellowed a great laugh. "Oh my god, it's a love triangle where A loves B and B loves C, but C doesn't give a fuck! This is great!"

Applejack just looked at me oddly. "Yeah, it's a little funny, but Rarity's gone nutters when we all need her to focus on plannin' the Ponyville Days festival!"

I calmed down, realizing the gravity of the situation. "So... you two seem to be in a bind."

"Rarity is in a bind," Applejack corrected. "I'm just having a bit of... annoyance."

I looked back behind me in the shed, seeing Big Mac standing next to an empty spot where a wagon once was, until Rarity took it. "We should probably go see what Rarity's up to."

Applejack frowned. "Right..."

<<+>>

We made our way back to Carousel Boutique. Apparently, the others were already there.

"Applejack, Stardust, what's going on?" Twilight asked.

"I'm too scared to guess," Applejack answered.

Once again we were all waiting at the base of the runway. The lights dimmed again, and the runway lights buzzed alive.

The curtain opened to one of the most ridiculous redneck caricatures I'd ever seen. Now she wore a full straw hat and denim overalls, had frayed mane ends, and finally, Rarity started speaking with the Southern drawl to match—"Firstly, Ah just want to thank you all for comin', and second, Ah know y'all will all adore my new festival theme!"

And the... textual narrative accent to match. Wow, that's hitting it really hard!

<Remember folks—don't write out the accent. Except in this case where it's funny in a meta-sense.>

Spike was playing a banjo to provide background music.

"'Simple Ways'!" Rarity announced the title, still sticking to her adopted accent.

The lights came on... and—

Applejack and I burst into laughter.

"Well? Hwhat's so funny?" Rarity asked.

"Rarity, that is the silliest getup I have ever seen!" Applejack answered.

"Rares has gone full fuckin' redneck!" I said, being straightforward. I couldn't stop laughing "This is hilarious! What a caricature!"

"It is a little funny," Fluttershy agreed.

"Fun-nay?" Rarity echoed, seemingly insulted. Not that she was the one that should be insulted here.

Twilight was also laughing. "Rarity, you aren't serious, are you?"

Rarity broke her act momentarily. "Well of course I'm serious—" She cleared her throat. "Hwhy wouldn't Ah be?"

"Because you would never dress like that," Applejack said, now serious. "You like fashion and high society and fancy things."

"And Ah can like plowin' fields and haulin' apples just as much," Redneck Rarity countered.

"But you don't!"

"How do you know hwhat I like?"

"Because I know you."

"Weeaaall, maybe you don't know me as well as you thaink."

"And I suppose it's just a coincidence that Trenderhoof seemed so interested in country life, too?"

"Ah don't know hwhat'chu're gittin' at!"

Applejack was getting irritated. "Well then, I guess I'll just have to show you!"

"Be mah guest!"

"Rarity," I interrupted, "No matter what you do, you're not winnin' Trenderhoof over."

"Hwhy is that, Stardust?! Hm?!"

I went behind Applejack and picked up one of her hind legs by surprise.

Mmm... apple flank.

"Stardust!" Applejack exclaimed at the sudden assault.

I ignored Applejack's surprise and held out her leg, knocking on the firm muscles. I grinned. "Ain't no clothes gonna substitute for—"—Appalachian mode—"—ack-tchu-al, gen-you-ah-ne frame."

I released Applejack's leg, and she put it back down on the ground. She scratched the back of her head shyly at the implied compliment.

Everyone else had mixed reactions about what I just pointed out, and how I did.

Back to my regular mess of a New Jersey-melting-pot ambiguous accent, "You asked me for a stallion's perspective, Rares. Well, you got it."

Rarity glared at me for a moment, then continued her initial plan of leaving out the door. "If you all will excuse me, I have a hootenanny of a festival to put on." With that, Redneck Rarity left the building.

Applejack growled in frustration.

I went up beside her. "So... what's your plan now?"

Her expression changed to a smug, plotting grin. "Oh, I'll show her. She can't run from who she really is, and she ain't impressin' anybody!"

Applejack turned around, heading deeper into the the boutique. "Come on, everypony, help me find the dress Rarity made for me."

"Uh..." I got over my initial hesitation and followed her. "What's your big plan now?"

"I'm gonna show Rarity just how ridiculous she's bein' tryin'a be more like me just to impress some stallion! I'm gonna go over and show her what she's like and see how she feels about me bein' ridiculous!"

"It's right here," Twilight said, levitating over a pretty pink-and-turquoise dress. Minimal frills, white dots on the turquoise. Not minimal, but not overbearing. 'Small-town chic', as Rarity termed it.

"Thanks, Twi!" Applejack said. "Help me put it on, and fix my mane up too."

Fluttershy went over to help. "Are you sure this will work?"

"I think Rarity's original planned theme is fantastic!" Applejack said. "She just needs some sense knocked back into that head of hers."

After a bit of work, Twilight and Fluttershy turned Applejack into a presentable, refined mare.

She lifted two legs diagonal across her body. Then she grinned at me while posing. "So, Stardust, how do I look?"

I chuckled. "You look great, AJ."

"How 'bout the frame?" she smirked. "The clothes work for it?"

"The clothes are there to accent it." I chuckled some more. "Rarity knew that."

"So now what, Applejack?" Twilight asked.

"Not Applejack," Applejack said, turning towards the door. "Apple Jewel."

Oh, I gotta see this.

<<+>>

We made it back to Applejack's barn. While Applejack snuck inside through the back, I decided to spectate through a side window.

Redneck Rarity was lecturing the fillies on her new theme. "Now, to be a model in thuh Simple Ways fashion show, you maight thaink "simple" means "less is more". Well, that jus' ain't so. If you want to be real simple, more is more."

... The fff..., Rarity. Seriously, what the hell. Yeah, she does... clearly not get it.

Rarity posed poor Apple Bloom around. "Now, y'all go off and make yourselves look jus' like that." She called over to Spike. "Who's our next model for the fashion show?"

"Um..." Spike said. "Apple... Jewel?"

"Who the hay is that?"

Cue tango music—diegetic or not, I wasn't sure, but that's what played when Applejack—all fancy and all—revealed herself on the runway. She stepped out and posed and all that to emphasize her point.

She spoke in a high-class accent. "Why, Rarity, whatever would make you think I was joking?"

It shocked Rarity out of her act. "Because you would never wear an ensemble like that. You like plowing fields and hauling apples—"

Applejack pushed Rarity's hat down on her face. "And I can like fashion just as much."

Rarity doubled down, again speaking in an accent. "But you don't!"

"Well, maybe you do not know me as well as you think."

"Fine. But Ah got a whole festival to plan, so if you're goin' to start modelin', just git on with it!"

"Life is a festival, and you should celebrate it by looking just like me! Because I'm a trend-setting fashionista!"

More poses! More photos!

Rarity was starting to break. "You're a trend-setting fashionista?! Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever– I mean..." Then she caught herself and got back into her act. "Good for you. Ah, on the other hoof, couldn't care less how Ah look, long as Ah get the chores done." Then she continued acting like some country redneck. And brayed like a mule.

Literally, the most unattractive Rarity has ever been, and it's hilarious.

"Oh, is that so?" Applejack grinned.

"Yes, indeedy-doodle!"

Applejack released a mock gasp. "Not me! My mane needs to be perfectly coiffed at all times."

"Well, mah mane is full of dust and split ends." I'm amazed Rarity could even tolerate it. A crush on a guy is one hell of a crazy thing, I guess.

Applejack looked into her well-manicured hoof. "My hooves are so polished, you can see your reflection in them." Wow. That's impressive.

"My hooves are cracked and dry from working in the fields!"

"I'm so fashion-forward."

"Ah wear droopy drawers!"

"~I smell like rosebuds.~"

Then Rarity went full nutters. "Ah love being covered in mud!"

I snickered. Oh my god, that is going to be immortal.

Oh, and then Rarity jumped into a puddle of mud. It splashed onto Applejack's dress. On that, Rarity's instincts kicked in. "Goodness! Your couture! Ooh, it's bad. Will somepony bring me a towel to wipe this repulsive filth from my hooves?!"

Victorious, Applejack returned to her normal drawl. "There's the Rarity I know!" she laughed.

See everyone? This is why AJ is best pony. Level-headed, straightforward, and takes no bullshit.

Just then, I heard a pony walking past me. I turned around, and saw Trenderhoof move by me wearing—"The hell are you wearin'?!"

Trenderhoof perked up on my noticing of him. "Farm clothes! I want to move to Ponyville, and live a simple farm life! Being so interesting and traveling is exhausting, you know..."

I raised a brow. "Uh huh. Are you sure that's the reason you want to move to Ponyville? Because there's only one farm here, buddy."

"Uh..." His eyes darted around. "I'll, uh, keep that in mind!" He kept walking towards the front barn doors.

"Look buddy, I don't recommend moving to Ponyville because of a love interest." I gave a smug grin. "It won't work out, and no one likes that kind of... generic stuff."

"Well..."

The doors opened, and Spike ran out.

"Hey y'all!" I heard Trenderhoof say. I facehoofed, then walked around to watch what was going to unfold. "I'm moving to Ponyville! Being the most interesting pony in Equestria is exhausting. I want to leave my exotic, exciting life behind and live on a farm!"

"What?!" Applejack and Rarity exclaimed.

"Well, that's real nice," Applejack said, "but I sure hope you weren't thinkin' of Sweet Apple Acres."

Trenderhoof looked down. "Oh."

"I told you," I said.

"Uh, look, you're a fine pony," Applejack said, sympathetically, "but, uh, well, I'm, uh..."

"I think what Applejack is trying to say is that there's something unappealing about a pony who'd change themselves so much just to impress somepony else," Rarity said. "If somepony doesn't like you for who you are, it's their loss."

"Well, this is awkward," Trenderhoof said.

"Not at all," Rarity smiled. "In fact, I think I know just how you feel."

Applejack turned to her friend. "What do you think, Rarity? Is it too late to go back to 'Small Town Chic'?"

"Not if I can help it!"

I grinned lightly. "Let's head it out then. I left Rainbow and Pinkie to hang stuff up because Rarity went off on her misguided endeavor..."

<<+>>

"Wow, this getup is awesome! Classy."

It was the night of the festival, and various ponies were dressed in Rarity's festival-special clothing. Me included. Suit, bow tie, and top hat.

I had a slick feeling that I gave off this radiant vibe of 19th century rough refinement. And an odd feeling that I should've been carrying a silver-plated pocket derringer...

I don't dress up often, but when I do, damn do I love feeling smooth. I felt like I could take on the world like this.

I saw Trenderhoof over by the Apples. Initially, it looked like he was offering a dance to Applejack, but instead, it was directed towards Granny Smith.

Still, it gave me an idea. I went over to Applejack. "Hey, AJ."

"Hey, Stardust," she smiled back. "Enjoyin' yourself?"

"That's some good cider you ponies made over there," I said, pointing towards the cider-tasting.

Applejack chuckled. "Sure did. We were fortunate that Rarity and Trenderhoof didn't get too much in the way of finishin' our work."

"Was one hell of a day, wasn't it?"

She laughed. "Sure was. But I guess Ponyville wouldn't be Ponyville if it weren't for all the crazy we get ourselves into."

I turned to her. "Hey, here's a crazy idea. How 'bout a dance, AJ?"

Applejack met my smirk with one of her own. "Oh, really now, Dusty?"

She took my offered hoof and we stepped onto the dance floor.

Once on the spot, I had a nice, good, close-up look of the orange mare.

"What, you still admirin' all the muscle?" Applejack teased, noticing my eyes.

I snickered. "It's a little hard not to." Especially not when one of her forelegs was in my hoof.

We had a good laugh over everything.

"Who'd ever thought that the pegasus that stumbled into my room one night a few months ago would become a friend later on?" Applejack wondered out loud.

I chuckled. "I sure wasn't."

I mean, it was a goal to, but it wasn't ever for sure.

"You're a hell of a weird pony, Stardust, but you're alright," Applejack said. "I think you fit in Ponyville just fine."

Here I was now, having a fun time with a pony I initially whacked in the head. Initially together in temporary death, now together living life.

Best. Pony.

Author's Note:

Well, you seemed to be mostly absent this time around.

<Ah, well, nothing to say, nothing to add, and you didn't have anything to poke past the fourth wall either. We now have proof that you work absolutely fine on your own, and that we don't necessarily rely on being self-aware and meta to make an interesting story.>

You know, I just remembered something from the start of this chapter—can we have 'train set enthusiast Rarity' as a thing?

<... That sounds hilarious. I wonder why Rarity has suddenly become the most interesting character for me to write...>

She's got this interesting characterization that, on the surface, is a pony that appears refined and cultured, but internally, she's got that nice, natural weirdness that comes out and seems contradictory to her outward appearance. To put it short, she's got the potential for realistic depths that we can continue to dig up and see, and have an absolute ball doing it.

<Sure does. She's displayed such a wide range of personality when things come to shove. I guess Rarity is realistic in the sense that there's always more to discover about her that is different from her regular apparent self.>

Also, please don't ever type country accents again. That is painful.

<Heeeey, remember when every Applejack dialogue written ever was all 'Ah' this and 'Ah' that?>

I mean, it's not like we've checked to see how common it still is... Also, did you also have to turn Rarity into Hank Hill?

<I thought it'd be funny.>

So, a final resolution with the initial opening of this story.

<Best. Pony.>

Comments

[totallynotabrony]

Well, this certainly makes me either hopeful or suspicious about the future, and I'm not sure which.

[VikingOtaku6]

I sell apples and apple accessories.