Twilight Sparkle wakes up, but from what, she doesn't know.
After a terrifying first encounter with a powerful new enemy with unclear motives, she is thrust into a horrible and unfamiliar world of machines and violence. She has no recollection of her friends, her magic has been broken, and she has no way out
At the same time, her friends are finding troubles all their own: Ponyville in the grip of chaos as a phantom kidnapper causes ponies to vanish, Rainbow Dash lost in an underground maze, Pinkie Pie in the clutches of a serial killer, Fluttershy and Rarity nowhere to be found...
How does all of this tie together? Will they all turn out all right? Does any of this even make sense?
Chapters (14)
Nice !!
remind me i little the movie serie SAW
It's well-written.
Word of advice-Don't use "very" unless it's dialogue or internal monologue. If you want to add emphasis to something, use a more powerful word.
e.g. Rather than "very cold", use "freezing" or "frigid". Rather than "[character] hit [character] very hard", try "[character] smacked [character].". I find that when I feel the urge to use "very", it's time to crack out the thesaurus.
305492
I try to use "very" as sparingly as possible. I could have said frigid, but the fact was, it wasn't what I'd call frigid. It wasn't snowing, it was just a chill without any wind: therefore, it was "very cold", almost a "dead cold". Actually, that sounds better.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback and until next time, nip it in the bud!
305396
SAW? Why the SAW movies? How does it remind you of the SAW movies?
If you want a creepy pinkie music scene, try Oldskool Demon.
If you want a dark theme for suspense, try Sandy Gothic
320784
The Doom soundtracks are pretty sweet, but I don't think Sandy Gothic is good as a suspenseful theme. It sounds more like it should be more of an espionage scene or something. For suspenseful horror scenes, I like to stick to Penderecki.
What do you think of the fic overall?
320856
Pretty good! But I feel that by the time Celestia finds out, she will never forgive herself.
But hey, since you know doom, you must know heretic and duke nukem! Try their tracks?
Dude. Holy fuck. This was amazing. I could picture everything perfectly. And not only was it mysterious, it was also pretty damn scary. (I caught the reference to the "RED FREAKS" - I forget what game it was, but I do remember it scared the hell out of me). And that Judge guy is an awesomely scary design.
"Welcome to the jungle".
Five bucks says he'll show up later and say "You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby! You're gonna DIIIIEEEEEEE!"
So yeah, you definitely have my interest... and I'm definitely taking some notes. Your writing is out of this world.
329874
To be honest, I don't remember the name of that particular Flash game either. I think it was "White Noise" or something.
Thanks for your opinion on the Judge. He gets awesomer as a villain and deeper as a character later. Also, he isn't the only villain in the story; several more to come!
Just read chapter 2... no complaints. It was brilliantly written. I loved how Pinkie Pie-ish it was, and the mystery of the world itself is very intriguing. Between the weird world, the robots, the odd new characters and the mystery (just what the fuck's going on?), I'm definitely hooked. It's one of the most creative fanfics I've seen.
Also, that clown walks a very thin line between darkly funny and fucking terrifying. Which is awesome. I love me some creepy clowns.
335016
Twilight gets really analytical when I try writing from her perspective, so I'm satisfied with how her scenes play out. I'm not sure I'm doing well with the other characters, but I'll let my readers be the Judge of that. 
The Clown won't reappear for a while. But when he does, I can guarantee you're not going to think he's very funny anymore.
By the way, I notice I have the most fun when writing Pinkie Pie.
Fantastic as usual! I loved seeing more of the Judge and getting into his head a little.
Okay, time to get into "critique" mode a little: If I changed anything about the story - and this is kinda nit-picky - it would be more more "informal" bits. I'm not saying get rid of 'em completely - they add some real character and life to the writing - but sometimes it can sort of deflate the tension. Like here:
Part of him knew that this guy was responsible. But on the other hoof (HAND. You have HANDS, Spike!), this Judge… he was so powerful, Spike could feel it—it radiated off him like it were his own body heat.
It just feels kinda weird to me having a joke about Spike having hands instead of hooves in the middle of this otherwise fairly suspenseful scene that has him worried about the well-being of his mother figure. Again, definitely keep the occasional more informal bits, but think about whether they could effect a scene's tension.
But yeah, this is fantastic. Keep it up!
That was... uh... FUCKING DISTURBING. In a good way, of course. That Derpy/Ditzy scene... the ending... *shudder*
Easily the best chapter yet.
Well I'm all caught up now, and I can definitely say that this is an amazing and extremely creative fic so far.
I love how you created this whole interesting city of robots, complete with rival gangs and political intrigue and racism (And Rip-Roar is suuuuch an entertaining asshole - and I love Bang-Twerp). I love how you created a truly unsettling-looking character with the Judge, and gave him a deep personality beyond just being "creepy mysterious dude". I love the whole developing mystery with all the disappearances and the hints of something horrible happening to the victims (that monster from that one dream sequence was horrifying, especially the screaming pony heads). I love the subplot of Rainbow Dash in this freaky maze avoiding horrific abominations and dealing with this mysterious Voice (and his reveal was interesting).
I. LOVE. EVERYTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING
345728
I really don't know what I was thinking with that one. I guess I felt there'd been too many suspenseful scenes, so I tried to ease it up a bit. You need to remember, readers require breaks from every emotion you throw at them. Throw too much horror at them back to back, and the shock of a scene is lost.
But you're right, it IS rather ill-timed.
345952
I was told by some of my "test readers" that "Ditzi on the Radio" was the most disturbing thing they ever read. And some of them were fans of horror literature!
As for me, I think the scariest part was the scene "Following the Scream", in which Diamond Tiara gets kidnapped. I think the most effective part of all this is that we're never exactly shown what the hell is doing all this--and that anypony who has likely won't be able to comprehend it. I mean, did you think Ditzi was taken away by the cops when she invaded the radio station?
346176 Yeah, having a constant tidal wave of horror or sadness... it can numb the mind to it. If it's just nothing but horror and misery, after a while it runs a risk of getting boring instead of effective.
I've tried to follow this a bit myself in Uncharted Land. Like in otherwise depressing as hell scenes, I tried to throw in a bit of humor (like that callback to Sweetie Belle's lullaby during Scootaloo's first night at Rainbow's, or Octavia bringing up that tarantula story to comfort Vinyl).
Keeping a balance between lighter stuff and heavier stuff is a pretty hard task, because it can be easy to fall victim to the dreaded Mood Whiplash. You do a great job keeping this balance - in fact, that was really the only nit I had. Otherwise, AMAZING work.
346201 That part was pretty horrifying, and Filthy Rich's reactions made it so much worse and pretty heartbreaking. Imagine having your child kidnapped, and being unable to do ANYTHING about it. And the fact that you don't know what the hell happened - or if she's even alive anymore - just twists the knife.
And regarding Derpy pulling a Max Headroom (heh heh)... that "gun firing" line gives me the feeling that Derpy isn't getting back up.
OH - something I forgot. I loved how you brought music into the chapter to make it more effective. And I also liked seeing Sonic 2006's soundtrack getting some love. You know, say what you will about that game being a clunky, unfinished, horrible-to-control mess (which it was)... but at least it had some amazing music.
WTF?????????
Your story gets weirder and weirder everytime and I'm begining to wonder............ What the actual F*** is going on?
Gotta say, that ending took me by surprise!
It's funny how ideas can come from the simplest things, like drawing a picture (you and Pinkie the Pirate) or listening to music (me and Clydesdale from Uncharted). It's always cool when it happens, though.
This is awesome, keep it up!
349034
The story exapnds across three books. It might take awhile to get to why all this is happening.
But rest assured, you'll understand what's going on soon!
349203
Actually, I find I'm at my most artistic when drawing the ideas I have. Some of my sketchbooks are actually chock full of possible scenes in this story. I'm afraid of posting them, though; they might give away later plot twists...
349214
Really? That's awesome.
That was... holy shit.
1: I teared up a little at the scene with AJ and her parents. And since you just revealed that bit about your grandfather, that makes it even more moving.
2: "Applejack HAD—TO GO IN—THE CAVE."
Are the Skin Taker and Horace Horrible involved in this twisted plot, by any chance?
3: I love the Creature (though from your descriptions, I sure wouldn't love to be near him!). Pretty brilliant idea.
4: Adding the Flim-Flam Bros. was a nice touch. When you first revealed that they were actually... well I don't wanna spoil it for any other readers, but I actually shuddered. Then you revealed WHY they (SPOILER), and it made it even creepier.
5: GIANT ENEMY VENUS FLY TRAP! COOOL!
6: That ending is bone-chilling.
This story keeps getting better and better! Keep it up!
350794
1. I actually had to dry off my keyboard after writing that scene. Not kidding. Probably the most moving thing I've ever written. And it's about cartoon ponies, sure... but it's also about a girl who's just lost everything being reminded that she can still push on, and that the battle ain't over yet. A girl who died and rose again. A girl who lost faith, but found it again, found herself again.
And it makes me tear up every time I think of such miracles. I was glad to have found the chance to put it in.
2. There're shout-outs all over the place in this story--one of the things I love about writing it, really. I could make a list of the ones I've referenced so far, but it might end up being ridiculously long. Funny story about this particular reference is that it almost didn't make it in. I only added it after one of my test readers (reading it aloud) said "Applejack HAD. TO GO IN. THE CAVE." I fell over laughing, even though the scene itself was pretty damn tense.
3. Ah, the Creature. Whatever is taking the ponies isn't the only one making them disappear...
4. Funny thing about that is it's based on the weird animation errors in the show. Now that I think about it, if the "glitches in reality" happened in the show, then... that means...
That... that makes me feel even more afraid.
5. Thought a nice tussle would liven up this part of the story.
6. It's also another shout-out, this time to Tribe Twelve.
My thoughts upon first seeing this chapter: I'm starting with the Monster in the Mirror! I'm asking him to change his ways!
My thoughts after reading this chapter:
Wow... Now I get the title!
This was amazing, and maybe it's because I'm a big BioShock fan, but I loved the Judge's underwater mansion. Keep it up!
361694
What was the most interesting part of this chapter?
Mine is how well I was able to better define the Judge's role in this story. He's the part of "good guy in the role of the villain". In that sense, Rip-Roar is kind of his opposite, since he's more "villain in the role of the good guy".
I want to start a dA one of these days and put up the sketches of all these original characters. Maybe sometime next week, if I'm lucky...
361807
I'm with you on that one. In fact, the Judge has been an excellently - and surprisingly - developed character through this whole story. At first, he seems like this horrific-looking, kind of disgusting (black teeth? Ew. That's what I thought when reading the first chapter) guy who will most definitely be evil incarnate. But then, turns out that isn't really the case at all. He's a good guy stuck in a shitty position.
And let me know if you get that dA account! I'll be one of your first followers, if not the first!
Brilliantly done, but...
382605
Guess what mood I was in when I wrote this chapter!
Seriously though, this chapter was probably the hardest one to write out of all of them so far. But you know what they say: the night is always its darkest before the dawn.
THE IMPS ARE COMING!!!!!
trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif trilobite.org/doom/graphics/imp.gif
GRAB A BFG AND A SHOTGUN EVERYPONY!
402541
Quick, start the Doom level music!
402917
Hangarmaggedon!
One of your italics tags near the end is screwed up.
"It’s time for me to play the most complicated game![]/i"
Anyway, this was a very good chapter that had some nice insight on Keelhaul. To the point where I'm kinda hoping that Fluttershy isn't doing what Pinkie Pie thinks she's doing.
Dammit, why oh why did I just finish eating before that lovingly detailed description of the severed head?!
My stomach's STILL churning from that one.
That aside, this was a fantastic chapter with an amazing twist. As soon as it started with Rainbow Dash, I was thinking "Oh shit... this is gonna be the breaking chapter, isn't it?". And... damn... (Though I have to say that as horrific as it was, the BioShock reference literally made me gasp with sheer joy. Which didn't last for long, considering what was going on.)
422742
Good gravy, was Keelhaul fun to write! He's like a parody of every badass pirate in existence--although his character is essentially a more-pleasant version of Captain Hook: refined, but rough. As for his marriage to Fluttershy, we'll just see where it goes.
422827
I had hoped the breakdown would seem terrifyingly real to the reader. It's difficult to just say, "Rainbow Dash screamed and wept" without really giving the readers any inclination to care.
And yes, the Bioshock reference. A lovely reference (and for the record, I honestly hate this part of the story; it isn't bad, it's that I was totally uncomfortable in writing it). Basically, the mind control spell is instigated by using certain key words, "the magic words". Those who have been mind-controlled before are still sensitive to the Magic Words for months afterward, and the Magic Words are decided on the whim of the controller.
In other news, Happiness is here again, yet no one is pleased.
This... was amazing. It was both horrifying (especially around the beginning) and downright awesome. For some reason, reading Applejack shout "YOU SUMBITCH!" made my night.
436836
I waited a long time to write that. Glad that was worth it!
Well, ok, this story's got my attention...
Called it!fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/052/6/6/pinky_pie_nailed_it_by_rashter-d4qkgvn.gif
I KNEW it was Fluttershy when Pinkie started to think that the queen was scared of pirates. Besides, Fluttershy IS beautiful!
Wow, no new comments on this in a loooooong time. I found it by lopping the last digit off of my own chapter number: http://www.fimfiction.net/chapter/465847
3749954 Mostly because this story's cancelled.