HiE- Everything exciting happens when you're away

by MidnightTAA

Why am I in...

I had a pounding headache, and I finally managed to open my eyes. Only, to deeply regret it. I had no clue where I was, but it was definitely creepy. Obsidian stalactites and stalagmites were all jutting out like teeth. A dark, smoky emerald walls caved around me. It looked like someone had rubbed soot all over an emerald cave.

Finally, I saw some form of life. And regretted something once again. It was a... Changeling?

"Looks like the creature woke up," a electronic bug said. I sat up and my headache got worse. I felt like I was going to puke, and I did.

The changelings chattered something to one another, and one came and touched my vomit. I managed to choke out, "w-where am I?" before I vomited once again.

I saw Queen Chrysalis and she said, "in my castle, of course. And, I summoned you here to do my bidding."

"W-what do you want me to do?" I asked. Then, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, that had a drawing of mine on it. The fairy tail mark, I remembered that day...

----Flashback----

I was in class, bored once again. I had a few sketches of the fairy tail mark in one of my notebooks, and I was attempting to draw in on the back of my hand. I had a navy blue marker, and Jamie asked, "what is that?"

"Um..." I didn't know how to explain. "Something from a tv show," I said and rubbed the back of my head.

Jamie nodded, and went back to whatever she was doing. And I went back to what I was doing.

----Back----

Queen Chrysalis finished explaining what she wanted and I said I might. She almost killed me, but I proved to be faster than she thought. And me too, after what had happened.

Then, I told her I would do her evil bidding. She smirked and said, "of course, you wouldn't have a choice anyways..."

I rolled my eyes, "but, only if I get my things back."

Chrysalis chittered something, and her drones walked off. Then, they came back with my stuff. I looked through it, and made sure everything was there. My clothes, shoes, electronics and everything.

"Fine, everything is here and I'll go. Now what?" I demanded.

"Girl, you have to time to be bossy. I'm sending you to Pony-Ville, and attempting to make you a pony. Other than whatever you are." Her horn glowed, and everything was black once again.

--&--

I woke again, with a even worse headache. Then, I saw a familiar purple alicorn, and screamed at the top of my lungs in happiness. "OH MY FREAKING MOTHER OF ALL FRENCH FRIES!! IT IS TWILIGHT FREAKING SPARKLE!!"

Twilight, who was busy reading something jumped and turned. She saw me, and her eyes widened. "W-what are you?" She asked, fear in her eyes.

I looked at my hands. "Oh... I'm a human!" I said with a huge grin. She stared at me, and then a huge, older version of Spike came running down.

"Twilight! I heard a yell, and something about fries..." He trailed off, his mouth hanging open while he stared at me.

"Oh my chocolate bunnies! It is Spike!!" I jumped from the couch I luckily teleported on, and deeply regretted it. I fell, and began to vomit once again.

Twilight snapped out of whatever she was in and rushed to my side. She moved my hair, and gave Spike a few orders. He walked off, and returned with water, a bucket and a towel.

"A-are you okay?" She asked.

I nodded, then shook my head. I grabbed the bucket from Spike, and vomited again.

"Poor thing," Twilight said, while stroking my back. She told Spike to get Fluttershy and Applejack, and he ran off. Twilight carried me to her bedroom and set me down. My stomach had settled, and she got me to drink a little of the water. It didn't come back up, so I drank it all.

Fluttershy and Applejack came up, and they freaked out when they saw me.

"What in the hay is that Twi?" Applejack asked, checking me out from afar.

I began to cough, and Fluttershy squeaked. Twilight pulled the girls away and began to whisper something. I was drowsy, and Twilight's comfy bed was too good and I fell asleep.

--&--

I woke up to 6 pairs of eyes. I blinked, and a rainbow mane was the first thing I realized.

"T-the mane 6?" I asked out loud, to no one in particular.

"Yes, and who are you may I ask?" A extravagant voice called. I turned and saw Rarity. She was so beautiful, but a little over whelming.

"T-the name's Rebecca, Rebecca Luiza Flunker." I said. My stomach growled, and I added, "who really would like something to eat."

I saw Twilight leave, and a moment later she was back with a fruit salad. I slowly sat up, and took the bowl in my... hoofs. Wait, WHAT?!

The other ponies looked taken back, and I looked at myself. I was like, half anthropod, and half human (mostly human but a few anthropod stuff).

I then, ignored the insane thing that just happened and devoured the fruit salad. I was sweaty, and I wiped off my face.

"Well dear, I'm Rare-"

I cut her off, "Yah, Yah, you're Rarity, you like dresses and stuff." I stopped, and pointed to each pony as I called their names out. "She is Fluttershy, Rainbowdash, Applejack, Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie."

All the ponies looked taken back, but Fluttershy suddenly squeaked, "let her sleep, she is sick." Her hoof went to my face, and she began to talk to the others. They walked out, and only Twilight and Fluttershy remained.

"So, you are sick?" Twilight asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. "My mom would know that, not me. But no, I don't feel well."

Fluttershy whispered, "she is burning up, we need to take care of her."

Twilight studied me silently, then nodded curtly. "Okay, you can. But later we will talk to her."

I whispered a thanks, and drifted off to sleep once again.

Author's Note:

Short chapter... But that is how mot are going to go for a while. Then, they should slowly increase. I'm just bad at ending them so I just decided to end this short. And with Rebecca changing, it will be explained later. And, she will have a million flashbacks... and stuff.

And await, for the randomness shall begin!! -Insane Laughter-

Comments

[Anyne]

But, why is the human a alicorn

*sigh*

[PinkPearl]

-.- this REALLY needs some help. there is so many mistakes in it that it looks like a middle schooler attempting a novel. i suggest finding someone to help and/or write it for you. i used to have someone helping me write out my ideas.

[MidnightTAA]

3938002

I need to change that, and I'm working on it.

3938319

For a fact, I am a young child. Maybe not in elementary but still. If you'd like, you could point out my problems and I will fix it.

3938798

Okay, the first chapter doesn't entirely matter. But yes, I absolutely see where you are going and I will go and fix it. I'm writing this story entirely on my own, so in my eyes it seems fine. If you'd like, you could help me.

[AppleBandit]

3939311
Try looking here and here to find people who will go over your story and correct any mistakes you might have made. Also, some better description or character development would be nice. 1,214 words is not a good enough length for us to get to know your character and get used to them.

Also:

Okay, the first chapter doesn't entirely matter.

This is quite possibly the worst thing you could have ever said. Maybe it's just me or the phrasing, but it almost sounds as though you don't care. I do hope that isn't the case.

[MidnightTAA]

3939482

Eh... lemme think.

The first chapter is like a chapter that if you don't read, it wouldn't make that big of a difference to the story. And, I'm actually thinking of rewriting it. It's getting kind of frustrating because every time I write a story, I get a lot of bad comments on how I prefer to write. Maybe, for now I'll just stick to writing in my notebook, and just unpublished this story and leave it be for a while.

But, don't feel bad. I did ask for criticism, and I guess I still need to improve more. Thank you for your opinions.

[FicusCat]

3939742

The first chapter is the HOOK of the story.

You need to make it clear and interresting if you want the readers to be interrested in the story.

[AppleBandit]

3939742
It just takes time and practice. It also takes listening to the criticism that you're given. First chapters are really there to introduce your characters, world and to hook the reader in. They can be tricky. Read around to some other stories, see what writers have done to introduce their stories and take note of not only what they've done but how they've done it. There's no need to take this down. Instead, leave it up and when you improve you can look back on it and laugh. That's what I did with my first story, which I still consider a train wreck.

[MidnightTAA]

3939777
3939785

I'm bad with hooks. Literally and metaphorically. I almost killed (hyperbole) My dad once. I think I'll just, yeah, let it sit and rot.
I'll work on my other story, that is like 1 1/2 notebooks long(I write it irl then post it here) and then maybe come back, and patch this one up. Or maybe, plan this crazy fluff (isn't that what they call random, one shot kind of stories?) a little more.

Thanks for everything again, and believe me, I read a lot of stories on here, but I only know one HiE that really got my attention, and I don't want to steal his ideas. And his story is totally insane. (No offense guy who wrote it.)

[AppleBandit]

3939813
Random one-offs are generally just Slice of Life stories. One offs are usually a really good place to start if you're going to write, especially in fan fiction. It helps you get used to characterizations and they're pretty easy and quick to do.

[MidnightTAA]

3939843

So, can they be random?

[AppleBandit]

3939851
Oh, of course they can. They can really be whatever you want. Tell you what, if you'd like, you can PM me your idea and I could help you develop it.

[MidnightTAA]

3939856

Yay!! Okay, but I'll need to work a little on my other story, but yes I'll pm you and we can work out a story.

[Spiderman here]

Oh boy another horrible-cliche-HIE-story-that-is-probaly-going-to-be-deleted
tickld.com/cdn_image_postimage/95a898eef5ab45dda0e2493333cc40cc.gif

[Patient X]

Oh Junge. Hier gehen wir wieder.