[clink. clink. clink.]
"Hey! Pirate Queen!"
The mare didn't look up, trudging after the squad of stallions in uniform with her head held low.
[clink. clink. clink.]
"What did you do with your treasure?!"
They walked along the corridor of free space that cut through the crowd, the cuffs on her fore- and hind legs clinking audibly with every step.
[clink. clink. clink.]
"It's somewhere on the Grand Line, isn't it?"
Most of the soldiers split up to stand guard on either side of the corridor, leaving the mare to trot after the remaining pair of stallions.
"Did you hide it? Your great treasure, the greatest treasure in the world?!"
One of the ponies guarding the sidelines chuckled as she passed him, giving her a sideways glance. “Not feeling so clever now, are you?”
"Where is it?! ONE PIECE!"
The young unicorn mare didn’t reply, leaving her head hanging as she was walked up onto the scaffold. They stopped at the very top, forcing her down on her knees as two uniformed earth ponies took positions on both sides of her, swords at the ready.
Another stallion in uniform stepped forward, looking over the massive crowd that had gathered down on the plaza. “Ladies and gentlecolts, ponies and other creatures all over the world! We are gathered here to finally bring justice to the greatest plight this world has ever seen. The ruthless criminal you see has performed countless crimes against peace, equinity and the World Government. Her public execution is the least we can do to punish her for her sins.”
The mare looked up as the red and black captain’s hat was snatched from her head, the stallion casually lifting it up with a cruel smirk. “Some ponies have taken to calling her the ‘Queen of Pirates’… a purely hypothetical claim of legends up until a year ago. To respond to this rumor, maybe a small bit of symbolism will suffice. Just like she once set our flag, the sign of our unity aflame…” The stallion produced a match and ripped it across the side of the scaffold, holding it under the hat until the fabric had caught fire. “Let this moment officially mark the end of piracy.”
The young mare simply watched the hat with an unreadable expression, staring as it caught fire and slowly turned to ashes, blowing away with the wind.
And then, she began to laugh.
It started as a quiet chuckle, everypony and –creature on the plaza staring at her in disbelief. Within moments the chuckle had grown into a loud laugh, small tears of amusement building at the edge of her eyes.
“W-what are you laughing about? Stop it! This is your execution, how dare you laugh at your own execution!?”
“...You want my treasure, don’t you?" She raised her head, showing a grin that fit a predator rather than a prisoner. "What are you waiting for? I left it all in that place! Go look for it!“
The two swords moved down to impale her, cutting off anything else she might have had to say, but it was already too late. Ponies, griffons and other creatures of all kind on the plaza – and even more all around the world where the execution had been broadcasted – erupted into cheers. Within weeks dozens of new pirate crews would form to travel towards the Grand Line. Within a year, the number of crews travelling under their own version of the ‘jolly roger’ would triple. And they all had the same goal.
One Piece, the legendary treasure of the Pirate Queen 'Gold Clover'.
The Great Pirate Age had begun.
Scabbards aren't the blade itself, but the case people carry swords in. Also, placing in sfx words like [clink clink clink] is a bit distracting. You should weave them into the narrative, like "The chains of her cuffs clinked solemnly as she was led to the executioner's platform." Otherwise, a good start.
6954697
Fixed the scabbards thing, thanks for that. (Even more thanks if you know what those things they use in the original are called)
I thought about those sfx words, but I'm going to keep them and I'm going to use them again like that. I'm trying to get a bit of a feel like in a manga, and those are basically the beat panels - kind of a halfway point between something happening and actually telling the reader what is happening.
I will explain or at least imply what the sounds stand for, though. You'll note that I wrote something similar to what you suggested right there in the story, the sfx is more of an extra to try and make it more vivid.
Besides, at least that way I have a decent reason for why I shouldn't even try to get this into EQD.
I'll bet there'd been a critical clue in her hat, maybe even a map. She knew that without it, a new golden age of piracy would begin trying to find her treasure—and it may never end.
6962930
Interesting theory, I gotta say. But no, the meaning behind that was something else (even if it might never be more than hinted on).
I see what you did there.
Oh, you are right, this is different. One paragraph in and I already notice a difference. In One Piece, Roger holds his head high to the execution platform and of course he did after all *spoiler* He wasn't captured, he turned himself in having been terminally ill his last act was to give his message to the world.
More One Piece spoilers. Luffy did this for sure, but I don't remember it ever been mentioned in the series that Roger had too before him.
Right. Because capturing the most wanted criminal means that all criminal activity will cease, just like killing Bin Laden would bring stability to the middle east, it makes sense.
Uh, sarcasm, it always leave a bitter taste in my mouth.
If she was like Roger, she wouldn't have planed to say anything else.
~Leonzilla
7137769
1: I don't know what you mean; that's her name, isn't it?.
2: To clear it up a bit, she doesn't keep her head low because she's scared or anything. It's more of a visual thing, it's how I imagined the scene, just like how Roger's head is usually in shadows during that scene. It's up to interpretation, though.
3: It wasn't mentioned in the series, that's one of my own touches to this story.
4: Well, it's meant more like "now that we have her, it's only a matter of time until we've unraveled the rest of them since not as many new crews will pop up." And to be fair to him, pirates in One Piece as an 'ethnic group' behave radically different from Middle East terrorists. But yeah, we all know how it turned out in this case.
5: There wasn't much left for her to say, but they wouldn't know that. *shrugs*
That being said, if you leave comments like this on every chapter you might just be my new favorite reader.
6955426 Scabbards still are very useless as weapon. It's blunt. It can cause blunt damage, but it cannot cut nor impale.
In the manga Roger is executed with some sort of Naginata, although Naginata usually have shorter blades, it is the closest thing.
7137835
I thought I fixed that... I hope it is now.
I don't think a lot of people would be able to picture a "naginata" without looking it up, so I went with swords. Lances or spears would be an alternative too, I guess. Or Lancies. She's getting impaled by Q and Discord.
I am grateful for the input, though. That's probably one of the things I'll have trouble with more than once in the future, weapons and ships and all that technical stuff.
7137784
Well no, I don't think this is very open to interpretation. There is nothing wrong with making it different in your story tho, but I feel like Smokers perspective is pretty reliable and it's the first most detailed and extended scene made as far as I know of the execution and I have watched all the canon. The movie Strong World and the OVA chapter zero are also good reference points for Roger if you aren't yet satisfied.
You might like to check the sub rather than the dub, but they are pretty much the same here, at least I'm sure both paint Roger as standing proud. The shadow over his face it something that helped add mystery and wonder to the character responsible for the premise of one of the most successful mangas of all time.
~Leonzilla
7137910
Huh, I... actually didn't know that one yet. I do know Strong World and chapter zero. This is even more detailed, though.
Still, I think my favorite video of Roger is this one:
Hmm... I love the start. However, there is one thing I need to say. It's pretty common, and they do it in some of the dubs...but Gold Roger doesn't actually say "I left it in that place" he says, "I left it in One Piece!" Hence the title of the manga. It's a play on the treasure being together and maybe even being a place. No one knows, just that it's there.
At least, that's what was the writer's intent, according to the notes...
Anyway, that was my totally unasked for 2 cents. On to the rest of the story!
7908624
I remember hearing that once, but I personally prefer the version I used... without it, how would they even know to look on the Grand Line and not in East Blue?
Either way, happy to see someone reading and commenting on this story.