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CartsBeforeHorses

Joined December 2012
442 followers

I've got 99 problems but a fic ain't one.

Stories (43)

Blog Posts (58)

x

Twilight Sparkle raced down the street of Canterlot towards her home. As she ran, a unicorn mare stopped her.

“Ah, Twilight Sparkle, milady! Moondancer is havin’ a knees-up at the courtyard. Shall you attend?” asked Twinkleshine.

“No, I’m dreadfully sorry,” said Twilight Sparkle. “I’ve got heaps of maths homework and magics homework to complete.”

Twilight Sparkle dashed off towards the castle.

“Does that pony do anything besides study? Methinks she’s more interested in books than mates,” said Twinkleshine.

Back at home, Twilight busily sorted through her dusty tomes.

“Wingardium leviosa!” she shouted as hundreds of books floated through the air around her and she sorted through them.

“Oh, bollocks. I can’t find it. But I know it’s in here somewhere,” she said. “I know I’ve heard of the Elements of Amity before. Help me look, Simon.”

“But we’re on holiday!” Simon the dragon protested.

“Found it!” Twilight declared. “Nightmare Moon shall return on the longest day of the thousandth year after her imprisonment by the Elements of Amity. Queen Celestia the Second must be informed! Simon, write a letter and send it in the dragon post!”

Simon, ever diligent, did as he was told. He soon received a reply from Celestia, which he read aloud.

“Dear Twilight Sparkle. You simply must stop reading those dusty old books. Ponyborough Upon Everfree requires an organiser to make preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. Hence, I shall send you there to attend to it. But primarily, I want you to make some friends!“

“Ponyborough Upon Everfree? But… but what about Canterlot?” asked Twilight.

“‘Tis a silly place,” Simon responded.


Upon travelling through the air on a pegasus chariot, the unicorn and her dragon friend reached the quaint town of Ponyborough Upon Everfree.

“Now, Simon,” said Twilight, “The fate of Equestria does not rest upon me making connexions with other ponies.”

“Aw, cheer up, Twi. Maybe some of these ponies will have interesting things to converse about,” said Simon. As they walked down the path, they met a pink pony. She gasped at them, and then ran off.

“Interesting things, eh? You mean like she just did, then?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

“Um… no,” said Simon, blushing. “I’m sure they will, though.”

Twilight levitated a checklist in front of her eyes.

“Item number one. Banquet preparations.”

They reached a farmhouse. Outside stood an orange-coated pony wearing a kilt around her waist and a Tam o’ Shanter atop her head.

“Hello. An’ who might you be, then?” the pony spoke in a thick Scottish accent.

“Twilight Sparkle. And you?”

“Me name’s Applejack,” she said as she started piling food upon the table. “An’ this is me clan. There’s Apple Haggis, Apple Scone, Apple Chips, Apple Dumpling, Apple Muffin, Apple Tea, Apple Cider, Apple Bloom, Granny Smith, an’ Big Mackintosh.”

The aforementioned ponies gathered round the table.

“Pleased to meet your acquaintance, lassie,” said Big Mackintosh, shaking Twilight’s hoof.. “We here at Sweet Apple Acres are preparin' the food for the festival.”

“Oh.”

“Aye,” said Applejack, “An' a fine amount of grub we have, too!”

“Well, you’ve got the food handled, then,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Simon, let’s go.”

“But we haven’t eaten--”

Twilight took Simon off.


“Next up is the chimney sweeping. And who--”

Suddenly, a rainbow-maned pony wearing burberry tracksuit bottoms, hoop earrings, a golden necklace, and a burberry hat on backwards flew up to them, crashing into them.

“Oy, watch it!” she said, lighting a fag. “Name’s Rainbow Chav, wot’s it to ya?”

“Well, miss Chav, you are responsible for the chimney sweeping, yes?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

“I am,” she responded, exhaling smoke right in Twilight’s face.

Twilight Sparkle looked around. All of the chimneys were sooty, dirty, and in no way presentable to a respectable audience.

Twilight scoffed. “And a bang-up job you’re doing of it, too,” she deadpanned.

“You wot, mate?” asked Rainbow Chav, flying up into Twilight Sparkle’s face. “I’ll wager I can get these chimneys sorted right proper in under ten seconds!”

She flew around the town, grabbing a brush and sweeping out all of the chimneys in under ten seconds.

“Well bugger me sideways,” said Twilight Sparkle. “I jolly well underestimated you.”


They met Rarity next, but I don’t think that part would be any different in the British version.


“Now we have to find a doctor to give free healthcare to any ponies that are injured in the inevitable hoofball riots,” said Twilight Sparkle. She was referring to the Summer Sun Celebration hoofball game, which usually ended in rowdy youths and fans roaming through the street, burning cars and hundred-year-old department stores to the ground.

“Yes, indeed,” said Simon.

They happened across a light brown stallion in front of a blue box. As they walked by, Twilight pondered aloud, “But where will we find the doctor who--”

“I’m the doctor,” he said.

“Oh, are you? Great! Then you can treat any of the injured ponies,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“No, sorry, I’m not that sort of doctor,” he said. “Speaking of, I have an engagement in the middle ages. Ta-ta!”

He got into the blue phone box. It flashed white in and out of existence as it finally disappeared.

“What a strange fellow,” said Simon. Twilight nodded, and they continued along their way.


“Next up is the music,” said Twilight Sparkle, as they approached a yellow-coated pony with a pink mane.

“Now, I want you all to sing your best,” she said to a group of parrots. The parrots sang a rousing rendition of God Save the Queen. Except one, who lay upside-down on his perch, not singing at all.

“Nigel, you really must sing properly,” said Fluttershy, tapping him lightly on the wing. “If that’s okay with you, that is. I know you’re tired and all.”

Twilight Sparkle walked up to Fluttershy. “Excuse me, miss. I believe that particular parrot is dead.”

Fluttershy responded, “Oh? No, he’s just resting.”

“He’s expired,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Oh, well, I guess you’re right, then,” Fluttershy conceded.

“He’s deceased. He’s an ex-parrot. He has-- wait a minute. You’re agreeing with me?” asked Twilight. “That’s not supposed to happen for another three iterations at least.”

“Well, I am rather shy,” said Fluttershy.

“And what is your name?” asked Simon.

“A dragon?” she said, gazing at him in curiosity. “Like the ones in the old Arthurian legend? The ones the ancient tomes spoke of? Could it be?”

“In the flesh,” said Simon.

“Ooh! Tell me everything about yourself,” Fluttershy implored.

“You’d bloody well better not,” said Twilight, glaring at Simon.

“Uh… I was born, I lived; someday I’ll die,” said Simon, running off.


Finally, after a long day, Simon and Twilight reached the library.

“Right then,” said Twilight, opening the door. “Time to research Nightmare--”

“Surprise!”

Twilight fell off her hooves as the pink pony from earlier rushed up to her. She smiled a mile wide, her crooked and yellow teeth glistening in the sunset.

“Isn’t this such a surprise? Innit? Innit? Innit?” the pony asked in a cockney accent. “I’m Pinkie Pie. I know everypony in Ponyborough Upon Everfree. Well, except for you, so I threw you a party!”

“Oh joy,” said Twilight Sparkle, frowning. Dozens of ponies were gathered in the library, chatting and making amicable small talk. The Rolling Pones played on the wireless. It was nothing short of a party, and Twilight would have none of it. She walked over to the table and poured what she thought was a cup of tea from a teapot, and took a sip.

“That’s curry spice,” said Pinkie Pie.

Suddenly, Twilight’s mane turned into a fiery inferno as she raced upstairs to the first storey.

“Are you ill, Twilight?” asked Simon.

“No, just miffed,” she responded. “All the ponies in this town are bonkers!”


Soon, the night of the Summer Sun Celebration was upon the town. They all waited in a queue and filed into the town hall one by one; waiting in line to get in was a time-honoured tradition and the best part of the festivities of the Summer Sun Celebration.

Once everypony was in, the mayor made an announcement.

“Fillies and gentlecolts. It is my honour to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!”

They all applauded, but suddenly a smoky, shadowy figure appeared atop the balcony. She was a dark alicorn who wore a striped shirt, a beret upon her head, and held a cigarette in her magic.

She spoke in a thick French accent. “Ho ho ho! It has been zo long zince I have laid eyes upon jou! Ze time of reckoning iz nigh!”

All the ponies shreiked in terror.

“What? Am I a stranger to jou?” she asked.

“I know who you are,” said Twilight Sparkle. “You’re Nightmare Moon!”

“Well, well, well,” said Nightmare Moon. “At least one of jou knows. But now, ze night vill last forever!”

She disappeared in a cloud of smoke.


Simon, Twilight, and her five new pony friends gathered back at the library.

“Oh, bother,” said Rarity. “How in Equestria are we going to stop her?”

“And how did you know who she was?” Rainbow Chav asked accusingly. “Are you a nark?”

“Nae danger,” said Applejack. “She somehow know a’ the shadow yin, though. How?”

“I read quite a bit,” said Twilight Sparkle. “It’s just as prophesied. The Elements of Amity should help us.”

Pinkie Pie pulled out a dictionary. “The Elements of Amity: A Reference Guide.”

“Where did you find that?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

“Where do you think?” Pinkie chuckled.

Twilight read from the book. “The six Elements of Amity are as follows: Appeasement, Bluntness, Brazenness, Mirth, Politeness, and a sixth element which has never been revealed. They are said to be hidden in the palace of the royal pony sisters in--”

Twilight walked out the door, the other ponies following her.

Finally, she spoke. ‘--The Everfree Forest.”

“Did you really hafta wait so long to say that?” asked Rainbow Chav.

“Yes,” answered Twilight Sparkle.

“Well then. Let’s get on with it, shall we?” asked Fluttershy.

“Not you, Simon,” said Twilight, holding up her hoof to stop the dragon. “It’s too dangerous for a young drake like yourself.”

“What? That’s rubbish. I’m sixteen years old,” said Simon.

“Oh, you are? Guess you’re an adult, then,” said Twilight. “Carry on.”

The six ponies and dragon walked into the Everfree forest.

“So what is this place, exactly?” asked Twilight as they walked.

“Oh, it’s absolutely dreadful,” said Rarity. “It runs off of its own rules. Ponies jump in queues, they walk on the right side of the footpath and roads, and they have teatime at a quarter past four rather than the hour itself!"

Everypony gasped collectively.

“What a horrible place,” said Fluttershy.

“Aye,” said Applejack.

Suddenly, as they walked, they reached a cliff which collapsed around them. The ponies all fell down except Applejack; the two pegasi grabbed Pinkie and Rarity. But that left Twilight hanging.

“No!” cried Twilight as she ended up hanging from the cliff. She struggled to get back up.

“Applejack! Come help me!” she cried.

Applejack chuckled. “Ye cannae jus’ use yer levitation spell on yerself?“ she asked.

“Oh, I suppose I can,” said Twilight, powering up her horn as a purple glow enveloped her body, taking her back up to the cliff.

“Why, thanks for being so blunt, Applejack,” she said. “Had I not done that, I would have had to bother one of the pegasi to come save me.”

The six ponies and one dragon continued along the path. Soon, however, a giant lion beast with a scorpion tail jumped into the path.

“Run away!” the ponies cried. All except Fluttershy. She reached into her saddlebag and pulled out a parchment and two quills. The other ponies looked at her quizzically as she spoke to the manticore.

A few minutes later, they briefly glanced the manticore grab a quill in his paw and sign the document. Then, Fluttershy she came back with a parchment..

“I have spoken to the manticore, Manny Roar. And here is the paper which bears his name upon it as well as mine. He has allowed us to pass, and we shall have peace in our time.”

“Jolly good appeasement job, Fluttershy!” said Twilight Sparkle. The ponies walked right past the manticore. But then, predictably, he broke the treaty, and dashed after the ponies.

“Run away!”

They all sprinted.

“Here, in these trees!” cried Rainbow Chav.

They dashed into a thick grove of trees which the manticore could not navigate through. However, they soon saw faces in the trees. They were ghastly apparitions. Wooden splinters made them look like they had eyes and hungry mouths.

“Aaaah!” they all cried. Except for Pinkie Pie, who simply laughed.

“It’s not so bad,” she said. “Always look on the bright side of life!”

She sang a song with those lyrics.

“That was dreadful. Absolutely dreadful,” said Simon. “Your singing voice is like nasally, high-pitched, and like daggers in my ears.”

“But that was a good demonstration of mirth, Pinkie,” said Twilight.

“Quite right,” said Fluttershy.

Eventually, they reached a raging and thrashing river. Inside, a sea serpent wearing a top hat and a monocle thrashed around, causing a terrible current.

“What a world!” he cried.

“It’s Nessie!” cried Applejack. “Make a run fer it!”

“What’s the matter?” asked Twilight.

“My fabulous moustache,” said the serpent. “It’s ruined! Now my colleagues will look upon me with disdain!”

“Yeah they will,” said Rainbow Chav.

“Mmhmm,” laughed Pinkie.

“Ahem!” said Rarity. “That’s no way to be. You all must be polite. Mister serpent, I believe that you still look rather smashing regardless of what the others say.”

“Why, thank you, miss,” said Stephen Magnet. “You may cross.”

Rarity jumped on his back and hopped across. The others tried to, but he held up his claw.

“Not you,” he said.

“Oh, bollocks,” said Pinkie.

“It’s fine,” said Rainbow Chav. “I can carry us all over.”

So, Rainbow flew them all across the river one by one, and they were on their way.

Soon, they reached the rope bridge. A solitary, shadowy figure stood in front of it.

“None shall pass,” he said.

“What do we do?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

“I dunnae know,” said Applejack.

“Give 'im some sweets!” said Pinkie.

“None shall pass!” he repeated.

“You wot, mate? I’m not scared of you,” Rainbow Chav said. She grabbed her knife from her burberry tracksuit bottoms and stabbed the dark pony right in his leg. His shadowy limb disintegrated into nothingness.

“Now get out of the way,” said Rainbow Chav.

“It’s just a flesh wound!” he cried.

Rainbow Chav turned around and bucked him square in the jaw, and he disintegrated into nothingness.

“Hmm. That’s odd,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“He seemed to've been made entirely of shadow,” said Fluttershy.

“Good thing you were so brazen, or else we would never have figured that out,” said Twilight.

They continued on until they reached the castle.

“I don’t understand. Where are the elements?” asked Twilight Sparkle. “There’s only five here.”

“Jou fools!” said Nightmare Moon. “I’ve heeden ze elements from jou!”

“D'ya figure we’re the elements?” asked Applejack.

“Right-o!” said Fluttershy.

“Of course!” said Twilight.

The elements swirled around them as each was revealed.

Twilight spoke, “Applejack is the spirit of bluntness, Rainbow Chav is the spirit of brazenness, Pinkie is the spirit of mirth, Fluttershy is the spirit of appeasement, and Rarity is the spirit of politeness. The spirits of Christmas past and Christmas present are unavailable. And I…”

They all floated up into the air.

“...I am the spirit of sarcasm!”

A rainbow beam shot out of the ponies and towards Nightmare Moon.

“Le Noooooo!” cried the dark alicorn as the rainbows swirled around her and she was transformed back into Luna.

“We did it!” cried Pinkie.

"Bloody'ell we did!" cried Rainbow Dash.

"Smashing!" cried Rarity.

“Hooray!” cried Twilight.

“Aye!” cried Applejack.

“Ah, Queen Luna. Are you prepared to surrender?” asked Queen Celestia, who just appeared on the scene.

“Well jes, I zuppose,” said Luna. “I am French, after all.”

“Hooray!” they all exclaimed.

Author's Note:

Americans, I hope you got all the jokes. Britons, I hope that I didn't mess anything up about your culture.

Thanks for reading.

Comments ( 241 )

#1 · 42w, 23h ago · 11 · 1 ·

Jolly good show, lad.

I shall be following this.

#2 · 42w, 22h ago · 15 · 1 ·

:pinkiesmile: That was marvelous, my good sir.

:pinkiehappy: Please do keep up the amazing work, thank you.

Yours truly... NecromancerX69

Ps... :pinkiecrazy: Would you like some tea?

#3 · 42w, 22h ago · 1 · ·

>>3418739 Why thank you, my good sir. :pinkiesmile:

#4 · 42w, 22h ago · 1 · ·

Oy, Pinkie, can you do us a triple fried egg sandwich on white bread, with chili sauce and chutney?

#5 · 42w, 22h ago · 17 · ·

We just did a dramatic reading of this. It was glorious.

#6 · 42w, 22h ago · 7 · ·

>>3418783 Barata is best Applejack

Dancer is best Rainbow Chav

:3

#7 · 42w, 22h ago · 2 · ·

This is the greatest story i have ever read.

#8 · 42w, 22h ago · 2 · ·

Anyway VERY WELL DONE, Carts.

#9 · 42w, 22h ago · 2 · ·

>>3418783 I heard most of it. You guys did a smashing job!

#10 · 42w, 22h ago · · ·

>>3418804 Coz as Nightmare Moon was the best casting choice, imo

Very well written, only a few minor quibbles here and there with grammar and sentence structure.

#11 · 42w, 22h ago · · ·

:rainbowlaugh:

This is 24‐carat comedy gold.

#12 · 42w, 22h ago · 7 · 1 ·

What if the Doctor had an american accent here?

#13 · 42w, 22h ago · 1 · ·

>>3418783

I demand a link to this immediately, Baldrick!

#14 · 42w, 22h ago · 6 · ·

Twilight spoke, “Applejack is the spirit of bluntness, Rainbow Chav is the spirit of brazenness, Pinkie is the spirit of mirth, Fluttershy is the spirit of appeasement, and Rarity is the spirit of politeness. The spirits of Christmas past and Christmas present are unavailable. And I…”

They all floated up into the air.

“...I am the spirit of sarcasm!”

Genius. Just...genius. So many big words, so much hilarity...DO TRIXIE!! I WANT TO SEE THE HILARITY OF THAT!!

#15 · 42w, 22h ago · · ·

>>3418903 I might very well do that. I need to think of a way to Britishify it, though.

#16 · 42w, 22h ago · · ·

>>3418892 We didn't think to record it, sadly. Barata and his glorious Scottish accent came in at the halfway point. We were lucky enough to have Carts in the call with us, at least xD

#17 · 42w, 22h ago · 1 · ·

>>3418910 The Bored and Disinterested Trixie?

#18 · 42w, 22h ago · · ·

>>3418910 Thank you!! I shall follow you! This is to awesome! By the way...I sorta imagined Fluttershy having a mustache, a top hat, and a fine dress. Which reminds me...

BRITISH THE GALA!!

#19 · 42w, 22h ago · 2 · ·

>>3418919 I must do this.

#20 · 42w, 22h ago · · ·

>>3418931 Doing an entire run of these fics will take us out of our DR retirement, probably :3 I'm excited.

#21 · 42w, 22h ago · 1 · 2 ·

There have been some exceptional British MLP fics, in particular The Rummy Business of Old Blooey which is a spot-on Jeeves and Wooster parody/tribute.  This one is very good, and can be read rather quickly, which is also good, wot?

#23 · 42w, 21h ago · · ·

>>3418910 More gratuitous Latin, more Monty Python randomness, more stiff upper lip, more sarcasm, and more classism!

That said, I love this :twilightsmile:. I'm imagining that the narration is actually being read out loud during the cartoon itself, since British cartoons (e.g. Postman Pat, Thomas the Tank Engine) love doing that.

#24 · 42w, 21h ago · · ·

requires an organiser to to make preparations

You've got an extra 'to' in there, mate. Better give it a look-see, wot?

#25 · 42w, 21h ago · 7 · ·

British ponies are almost as terrifying as... British taxis!  

ELLO GUV'NAH!  

#26 · 42w, 21h ago · · ·

i saw that the story pic was the same as my profile pic and just had to read it!:pinkiehappy:

Also so Many Monty Python References!

#27 · 42w, 21h ago · · ·

This story was funny... and bloody well-written at that! I shan't not ignore such a fine work of literary humor.

#28 · 42w, 21h ago · 8 · ·

If I could make one complaint, it's that Rainbow Chav was not drunk, pregnant or fifteen years old, like other chavs. At least, the ones I'm used to dealing with. Aside from that little thing though, I found this rather funny. :yay:

It's always a laugh when it's the English getting made fun of.

#29 · 42w, 21h ago · · ·

>>3418842

That would be nothing less than appropriate.

#30 · 42w, 21h ago · 7 · ·

You forgot one thing...

You needed to have Nightmare Moon chasing them about the ruins to the theme of Yakkity Sax.

Bonus points to those who understand that reference.

#31 · 42w, 21h ago · · ·

Wait, so you're not British? I thought this was really British. What does this say about me that I thought this story chock full of British stereotypes was really British? :twilightoops: So Scots are like the Southerners of Britain. Imagining Applejack with a Scottish accent just make me laugh my brains out! :ajsmug: Soon Sweet Apple Acres was filled with Scotsponies. Three colts to a caber. I also very much appreciated all the Monty Python (Flying Circus, Holy Grail, and Life of Brian) jokes. And Nightmare Moon was French. Why didn't she taunt them? Telling Twilight, "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smells of elderberries!" Also, the appearance of the Doctor. I also couldn't help but imagine British Twilight Sparkle as voiced by Catherine Tate. Just a fun, goofy little story.

#33 · 42w, 20h ago · · ·

The French. Really?

#34 · 42w, 20h ago · · ·

* 'avin'

#35 · 42w, 20h ago · 1 · ·

but what about Canterlot?” asked Twilight.

“‘Tis a silly place,”

:rainbowlaugh: See wot you done did thea!

Also: "Appeasement" :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

#36 · 42w, 20h ago · · ·

>>3418892 We didn't record it, I'm afraid.

#37 · 42w, 20h ago · · ·

Brilliant. Just brilliant. You see that shiny gold star up at the top? Imma click it mate.:twilightsmile:

#38 · 42w, 20h ago · · ·

This was funny and all, but...

We British don't speak like snooty Victorians anymore.

Other than that, good job! You've earned a follower!

#40 · 42w, 19h ago · 1 · 1 ·

better be a ton of doctor whooves in dis.

#41 · 42w, 19h ago · 3 · ·

As a Brit, I can affirm that this was most definitely 100% accurate and not made up at all. :scootangel:

In all seriousness, this is hilarious. The only niggling little thing I have is that if you really wanted the equivalent of AJ's accent, you probably should have gone for a Welsh one, but that's just me nitpicking - Welsh accents are bloody hard anyway.

#42 · 42w, 18h ago · 6 · ·

"Ah, Queen Luna. Are you prepared to surrender?” asked Queen Celestia, who just appeared on the scene.

“Well jes, I zuppose,” said Luna. “I am French, after all.”

This is a prime example of a horrible joke.

#43 · 42w, 18h ago · · ·

My sides.

#44 · 42w, 18h ago · · ·

Bloody good show! Bravo!

You have my full, undivided and entirely British attention!

#45 · 42w, 18h ago · · ·

have luna come back with an american accent

#46 · 42w, 17h ago · · ·

Now, that would have been acceptable if there was anypony wearing a TOP HAT!  :rainbowlaugh:

Oh yeah, and simon is best dragon.

#47 · 42w, 17h ago · · ·

"'Tis a silly place"? "He's an ex-parrot?" I see what you did there, mate. Loved it.

#48 · 42w, 17h ago · 3 · ·

Not enough welsh. I demand more! :pinkiecrazy:

#49 · 42w, 17h ago · 2 · ·

“Oh, it’s absolutely dreadful,” said Rarity. “It runs off of its own rules. Ponies jump in queues, they walk on the right side of the footpath and roads, and they have teatime at a quarter past four rather than the hour itself!"

Confirmed: Everfree is on the other side of the Channel :ajsmug:

“...I am the spirit of sarcasm!”

I've lost it here... :rainbowlaugh:

#50 · 42w, 17h ago · · ·

Congrats on the feature, Carts! You definitely deserve it bro! :raritywink:

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