I am a amateur at writing but hey that dont mean much I will still try my hardest to write stuff that will hopefully be good. I am open to criticism and will always try to reply to any queries.
My first book, so hopefully it's good. It's not a pure clopfic but will have some minor clop in it.
Derpy Hooves always made fun of for being the town klutz is surprised one day to find Twilight Sparkle asking her of all ponies to take part in an adventure of a lifetime.
Big thanks to my proof readers- Sollace, Zepherno and a few nameless friends, these guys really helped me write this, so thanks you guys your awesome.
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It's a good start to the story, but I should probably give you some advice;
You might want to space some of your sentences out a bit, for example:
between "princess" and "I'll you should put a comma or full stop, it will help the flow of the sentance.
All in all though, can't wait for the rest of the story, 's gun be great
This story does show promise.
In addition to what Zep said you should also watch that you don't drag out sentences too much. It becomes easier to follow when the whole scene is broken down into smaller part, each one describing a single idea. Sometimes you can use the context imply the subject rather than repeating it yourself.
For example the first line:
could be rephrased to:
I've also been reading The Hobbit, so I look forward to seeing where this goes.
3456334 thanks sollace I never noticed that but I see your point I just find it hard to see the smaller details in the book. Thankfully I can always edit it. Hope you enjoy reading it. the next chapter is almost done.
3456367
T'was a pleasure. It warms my heart to know that I was able to help someone.
PS: I just finished reading, and am very interested to see what happens next.
3456384 Don't worry you shall find out either tomorrow or Saturday. Till then I hope you can wait.
I'm starting to see the parallels to The Hobbit in here.
The over-all flow has improved, there are just the occasional mistakes, but that hasn't kept the story from being enjoyable. Something you should watch out for is the names. They should really be Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie.
Good job.
Edit: I went and found a cover image to use, if you like. linky
Edit2: Or maybe this one. linky
3459464 Thanks for the feedback, thanks to character limitations Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy won't be in the rest of the book. I also think I will use the first image as my cover thanks for that I was looking for a good one for a while now.
I shall be awaiting the next part.
Oh, and thanks for the credit for Blazing.
3456334
Funny how you go and rewrite sentences but don't catch the typo, it should be "exciting".
3563531
Ha ha, I didn't see that.
Fixed and thank you for pointing that out.
--Sollace
3563531 I did actually go and fix that when I saw the comment
I have now read this. There were a few things I noticed.
1. You should watch that your sentences don't run for too long. You shouldn't add more details than is needed to tell the story. It can become hard to understand.
This could be simplified like so.
2. When adressing a character directly in dialogue you should place a comma before their name.
3. For your section breaks, it would work better if you used center tags instead of spaces
[ center]_._._.[]._._._[ /center]
4. You probably meant for the second 'to' to be a 'too'.
5. ... would melt anyponies heart.
--Sollace
3565009 See this is what I mean when I say constructive criticism. Thanks I can edit it now.
I have finally done it, the Glaspony pickpocket's have yet to strike, will Derpydash amount to anything, will Dawn kill her target and will they ever figure out what is really going on between Rainbow and Depry. Find out next time.
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/363/2/f/clapping_pony_icon___rainbow_dash_by_taritoons-d5pkzrg.gif fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/001/b/5/clapping_pony_icon___princess_luna_by_taritoons-d5prurt.gif fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/363/1/e/clapping_pony_icon___twilight_sparkle_by_taritoons-d5pkpl8.gif fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/363/c/f/clapping_pony_icon___applejack_by_taritoons-d5pkxsu.gif fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/363/d/4/clapping_derpy_hooves_icon_by_shroomehtehponeh-d5pm8c9.gif fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/364/d/1/clapping_pony_icon___time_turner_by_travispony-d5pob3v.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/308/0/6/daring_do_clap_clap___by_xingyaru-d6t0c4f.gif fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/345/b/0/clapping_pony_icon___snowdrop_by_comeha-d6xkrjj.gif
No mistakes here. No mistakes...
In summary...
Applejack is shipped with Blazing and Rainbow Dash is shipped with Derpy.
... Approved. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png
That was a fast wedding.
Oh Celestia, that ending... and Ship confirmed.
You don't want to add a romance tag to this?
Mistakes:
I suggest you don't rely on me as your only means of proof reading.
Comma must be after the name.
Need to break that up. Like this:
Missing a word here.
Again.
3
4
--Sollace
3641720 AJ and Blazing Streak have been married for a year at this point. They married in the fic where Blazing came from, so if you want to know her beginning then go here http://www.fimfiction.net/story/132636/flame-of-a-different-world
Cheers for the edit's they help me a lot.
3641894
Ok, then I suggest you put that in the description if the other story is required to understand this properly.
It has been on my read later list for a while (since Blazing made her first appearance). I've made a vector of her but want to read that before finishing.
--Sollace
Ooh... clop... *clop clop clop* I'ma cloppin'!
3931863 Each to his own. But please refrain from commenting anything that isn't either feedback or general conversation.
Eh, the prologue is fine. Not fantastic in anyway.
3931957 That was when I started out, I don't like my earlier chapters much either but they get better thankfully.
Halo reference. "Foward Unto Dawn"
3931999 Yes, how many references can you spot throughout the story I wonder, as there are many of them.
Alright, I'll spot them.
The link to what Blazing Streak, Applejack and Derpy was unavailable to me, what song were they singing?
For your note it should be pegasisters but other than that, good book. I have the privelege of knowing that the flame from another world will be here.
3459758 what he said is true but I read A Flame From Another World so this gonna be good. (Imagine a redneck voice there) [trollestia]
3501652 both of the books are awesome, Derpy is one of my favourite characters, that is, second to only Dashie and Vinyl. Blazing is my favourite oc apart from my one, Dark Crystal so, brohoof for both of you (\ /).
4288042
(\
Boom.
4288042 Thanks.
I remember reading this fic like... I dunno 2 months ago? I think It was just after I discovered Ditzy/Derpy/Whatever you want to call her, is my favorite pony. I didn't even have an account then. I enjoy it to say the least. It started off what felt like a hobbit clone but it quickly turns into a unique story. Sooooo yeah. Take my like, it's dangerous to go alone.
4484529 Thanks, and yes I get what your saying about it being a clone of sorts. While I do admit that I draw a lot of what's in this from the book, like the conversation they have over dinner. I try to keep it sort of on a different path at the same time, like you'll notice instead of a group of three trolls I have a highway robber.
Hi I'm somewhat of a grammar nazi. I find your writing quality to my liking.