Grimdark_Rainbow
Joined 5th Mar, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- TheLordOfBronies · 3.3k words · 35 27 · 2.2k views
- Azileran · 3.4k words · 22 30 · 1.9k views
- prince10bee · 1k words · 29 28 · 2.2k views
- MallaJong · 4.6k words · 75 4 · 2.7k views
Featured In1
Stats
Page generated in 0.094 seconds
Total duration
879 users online
1,104,811 hits today, 2,156,967 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
No offense, but this was pretty poorly written. I'm going to skip over the stuff like there not being anywhere near enough talking or description, and instead focus on a few of the basics.
First of all, pick one tense and stick to it. You keep jumping back and forth between present and past.
So, Spike is cleaning in Rarity’s house - present tense.
“Okay,” Rarity explained to Spike. - past tense.
And those are the first two sentences. So you'd want to change it to "was cleaning" OR "Rarity explains".
Second of all, Spike's thoughts. You use completely normal text, then end with three periods. Not exactly anything wrong with this, but it's kind of a non-standard way of doing it. Usually, either the thoughts are italicised, or are integrated into normal text. Example:
I kinda want to talk to Rarity more… He thought to himself as he was relaxing. - that's what you've written.
I kinda want to talk to Rarity more, he thought to himself as he relaxed. - treat the italics like speech, using much the same grammar - in other words, when used this way you should probably end with a comma instead of a full stop.
He relaxed, silently wishing to himself that he could talk with Rarity more. - this doesn't word-for-word say what Spike's thinking, but doesn't really need to - Spike wants to talk to Rarity, and this makes that clear enough.
Those are your two main concerns as far as grammar and spelling go. Fix those, and a lot more people will read this, I reckon.
297547
Oh, crap, I'm sorry about most of those. I accidentally used the first version for the beginning mistake, and when I transfered this over from Word, it didn't keep the italics. I experimented with the Italics adn all it did was delete the text (on here) that I wanted italics.
Most of the mistakes I made were purely accidental.
297547
also, trust me, I'm an epic writer XD
I know you aren't trying to be mean lol.
Uh oh, you haven't posted a reading of this fanfiction on your youtube channel. Better get on that.
You knocked the needle on the sexy meter to 3.5, you need to get me to 12.0 before i red line and mess up my pants. Useful information.
I am human and i have a brain that is capable of smoothing over mistakes like a steamroller. You slip up a little, i forgive a little. That's how i read fanfiction. I love my Bronies and tolerate... Good show over all. You get a Pinkie Pie and a thumbs up.
300586
It was my first one, so it's not very good.
But the next Clop we do will be so good, you'll mess up your pants 3 times over.
Maybe. XD
We see you like Pinkie Pie, so we'll do something special for ya (Wink).
It says completed but "He got back to Twilight’s Library a few minutes afterward. “So, Spike,” Twilight started, looking at him from the middle of the room, “how did it go? You can show me since its almost Dragon Assistant Appreciation Day! I hope it went as well as it did Pinkie!”" does not feel like a chapter (and also greatly confuses me) help a poor brony out of his confusion
This story feels like its missing something........Like theres info that we should be given but its not there. Is this a sequel of some other fic?
297547 The tense thing he was cleanin then she explained do you really want to her the explanation?
404696
nope. I actually released this before editing to see the hate I'd get.
But whatever. I'm getting off of the clops and currently writing the first piece for it... Will be edited and released next month or so.
374430
It isn't a chapter, you're right. I put it there as a cliffhanger just because.
468341
Take your time, clops are basically comedy for me and the longer this story festers in my mind the funnier what comes out next will be.
Also riddle me this, why cant i properly reply to peoples posts.
Oh!
A Spilight!