Great and Powerful?
A Caravan wandered through the woods of Eastern Equestria; coming out of Baltimare. Sitting at nthe front of the Caravan was a blue-coated, silver-maned Unicorn; Trixie Lulamoon, or the Great and Powerful Trixie, as she liked to refer to herself. Great and Powerful? Yeah right. She took swig of Cider; wiping her mouth as she reminisced on better times; how life had looked so promising for her after her second encounter with Twilight, who had now fallen to corruption arguably worse than what she herself had succumbed to when using the Alicorn Amulet.
Here she sat now; wandering the woods like a common criminal to avoid a repressive new regime that had placed a massive bounty on her head. How was she supposed to make a living now? Every Settlement she entered eventually found out who she was, forcing her to flee from Civilization, thanking Celestia her Illusion Magic had improved after all this time, making it much easier to avoid those ruffians dispatched to capture her, to say nothing of those low-life bounty hunters on her tail every five minutes, it seemed.
She downed another mouthful of Cider, her ear twitching at the sound of hoof steps. She stopped the Caravan, setting her mug down and jumping down to the ground, glaring at the Underbrush around her. "The Great and Powerful Trixie demands you show yourself!" She exclaimed, seeing the bush move this time around, a Mare stepping out into the light.
"H-hey; I don't want any trouble..." She said, the brown-coated Earth Pony said; clad in leather armor, with a map and Crossbow slung over her back.
"Hmm..." Trixie said, dropping her fighting stance, looking over the Mare, who apparently seemed to know who she was.
"Trixie Lulamoon, right? I remember seeing one of your shows back in Baltimare before... Well, you know. I'm Potshot; a pleasure to finally meet you." She said, extending a hoof.
Cautiously, Trixie shook Potshot's hoof, reluctant to trust strangers, especially in this day and age... However, nothing seemed wrong; for now, anyway.
"Say; some friends and I were heading up to this old ruin up a ways, hoping we can find something worthwhile there. Maybe you'd like to come along? We really need a Unicorn and I wouldn't mind splitting the profits an extra way." The Earth Pony said, seeming friendly enough.
"Oh? And where are these 'friends' you speak of?" Trixie asked, still hesitant to trust this mare.
"They're up the trail; they took off as soon as we heard you coming, though you were an Imperial patrol. I admit; I kinda panicked and jumped into the bush last minute and, well; here we are." Potshot replied, blushing a little. "Well; you comin' or not?"
The Unicorn Mare thought on this for a moment, bringing her caravan to the side of the road; casting a spell to make it seemingly blend in to its environment; difficult for any pony who wasn't a Unicorn to find. "Yes, Trixie is interested. Let's go." She said, following the Mare.
True to her word; this place wasn't that far away; up the trail a bit and into the wilderness a ways. At the site, she noticed Two Pegasi; a Mare and a Stallion, with another earth Pony mare waiting for them at the entrance to the ruins.
"Potshot; who's that?" One of the Pegasi asked, the group's attention turned to Trixie.
"Don't worry; she's a friend. She wants in on the job; so let's get going." Potshot said, not bothering with formal introductions. Not that Trixie cared, far from it; these ponies made her uncomfortable; especially the Stallion eying her, whom she ignored for now.
Potshot and her entourage; including Trixie, for the time being, descended into the dark depths of the Ruins. Trixie's magic illuminated their path, making this so much easier for them. She had no idea how to describe it, but she felt... Odd; as though she were far more empowered here. The others could feel it too, to an extent, an extent that meant little to them, but then; any pony without magical capabilities simply couldn't understand the feeling Trixie felt as she walked among these ponies, deeper and deeper; drawing closer and closer to the source of this power she felt upon entering this ancient citadel.
They arrived in a room, seemingly empty; nothing but a series of carved scenes on the walls; detailing the history of this place. While the others only seemed to care about treasure, searching for any hidden passage, button, or indication there was something more to this tower; Trixie took an interest in this place and its history. She looked over the Carvings on the wall; reading them carefully.
Two Unicorn's traversing a cave; one painted dark like the night while the other was painted a faded white. The two stumbled across what Trixie assumed was a well of magical Energy, and a powerful one at that; the two Sisters, as she inferred these were likely the previous rulers; Celestia and Luna, absorbed a great amount of Energy from this well; resulting in their transformation into the immortal beings known by Ponykind today.
"Where's the bloody gold!?" The Pegasus Mare exclaimed, kicking the wall out of frustration.
"You there; you've been abnormally quiet. Is there something you know that we don't?" Potshot said, pointing to Trixie.
Frustrated with the close-mindedness of her companions, Trixie turned; looking to the center of the room and the vague outline of something... "Of course! How could Trixie not see this before!?" She exclaimed suddenly; casting a spell at the object she'd seen in the center.
The Illusion disappeared; revealing the treasure greater than all the gold in Equestria; a Sun-and-Moon amulet. Not at all like the ones they'd sell as good luck charms or religious symbols, no; this one was very different. According to the drawings on the wall; the well of magic they now stood in had apparently been spent by the Princess' transformation into immortal beings; what little magic remained, by comparison to its former amount of power, was later condensed into this single amulet by the Princess' themselves; a powerful object that could do much good in the right hooves...
The click of a Crossbow being drawn back was the first hint that she was obviously in the company of those who would do no good with this object; who likely couldn't even comprehend the true value or nature of the treasure before them.
"Wonderful, Trixie; I knew you'd come in handy. After we sell this and collect the bounty on your head; we'll all live like Kings! Well, 'cept you, of course, but your usefulness t'me is at an end, anyway." Potshot said, keeping her Crossbow aimed at Trixie while the others drew their respective weapons, surrounding the Unicorn and the Amulet.
"How clever of you; bringing me down here where there's nowhere for me to run. How unfortunate for you that here, I don't need to run." Trixie said, one of those rare moments she Spoke in the first person; casting a spell with the aid of the excess Magical Energy radiated by the Amulet.
To the others; it seemed as though an army of spirits had risen from Tartarus itself; all armed to the teeth and twice as bloodthirsty. The others might have been fooled into a desperate struggle against thin air, but their leader saw straight through the illusion; firing a bolt at Trixie.
Casting a second spell simultaneously for the first time in her life; Trixie blocked the would-be instrument of her demise with a magical barrier; grabbing the Amulet as Potshot charged towards her. The Unicorn nearly slipped the magical artifact around her neck, to augment her natural abilities when she was pinned to the floor by the Earth Pony, who struck her several times, the Amulet rolling a fair distance away.
Recovering in the midst of the brutal assault; Trixie cast a spell she had never tried before; an advanced illusion spell she barely dabbled in and found difficult to maintain; Potshot's eyes glowing a faint, pale-blue as she turned her attention to a voice only she could hear, her aggression turning to shock and disbelief.
"F-father...?" She asked, tears forming in her eyes. She seemingly forgot about Trixie as she approached the nonexistent entity, who seemed so real to her; happy memories for the Renegade re-surfacing and drawing her away from the matter at hand.
Wiping a trickle of blood off her nose, Trixie stood up and approached the Amulet; the strain of using such a spell alleviated by her proximity to the Amulet, though it would be much easier to maintain were she wearing it; her illusion distracting the others starting to wear off.
As the group of rogues came to their senses, Trixie slipped the Sun-and-Moon Amulet on; the power surging through her indescribable; power unlike anything she'd ever known before. Cheap parlor tricks suddenly became so meaningless to her, in her hooves she held true power now, so different from that which had twisted Twilight Sparkle and so many others... And with this power came a sense of purpose and understanding; that she was meant to do great things for Ponykind, to do anything and everything in her power to see them through this age of tyranny and into a new a bright new future.
First thing was first, however; dealing with the bandits, who had now recovered and were turning their attention on her. With unexpected ease; she did unto them what she had done to their leader; distracting them all with memories of happier times that, to each of them respectively, seemed so enticingly real. All had fallen for it and all were dedicated to their respective memories; of family, loved ones, and so on and so forth.
"I... I'm sorry, I truly am." Trixie said quietly, imagining how they'd react once the spells wore off, bringing them from such pleasant illusions back down to this cold, cruel reality they endured day after day. They couldn't stay like this forever; it would only be even more cruel to keep them trapped in a lie forever.
Taking advantage of her opportunity; Trixie left, making haste back to her Caravan. She dispelled and entered her mobile residence; using magic to drive it forward, keeping a watchful eye on the roads while the sun set in the distance. Making good time, and a fair distance away from those other ponies; she directed the Caravan to a rather flat clearing; settling down there for the night. She laid back on her bed, reflecting on the day and all that had come of it.
"So this is what it feels like..." She said, holding the Amulet in her hoof, understanding what it was like to possess limitless potential to do great things, for good or ill; that decision was up to her now. She looked back on all she had learned from Twilight Sparkle, who now seemed the greatest hypocrite, technically speaking... Could she really be blamed for her actions? Whatever dark force had twisted her in such a way, it pained Trixie to see a friend, her first and only friend for years... She wiped tears away from her eyes; covering up, casting the Chameleon Spell once more, holding onto it very easily with her augmented powers.
Ready to sleep after a long day, Trixie closed her eyes, only to have them shoot wide open once more when she heard a gentle knocking from the back door to her Caravan. She panicked; how could any pony see her!? Were there more bandits that she didn't know of? The possibilities were limitless and she took a moment to calm herself, the gentle knocking heard once more. Slowly, she edged to the door, opening it to see a cloaked and hooded Pegasus standing there before her.
"Trixie Lulamoon?" A familiar voice asked, a blue glow faintly illuminating the face under the hood. "I've been looking for you..."
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A new challenger approaches?
3394040
Nah, just an old friend. You can probably already guess who based on the clue pertaining to a detail mentioned in an earlier chapter, and if not then you'll find out in the next chapter.
3394073 Lightning Dust?
3394091
... Where in the world did that conclusion come from?
In all seriousness, though; I won't spoil it; you'll find out when I release the next chapter... Whener that may be
3394119 I know a group that would eat this up. Badass Twilight=Total Domination.
My read later list is already 200 stories too big so I guess I'll read this now
3394296
Right, then; hopefully you'll find it to be worth your time, good sir/madame.
3394312 Meh worst case scenario I'll just
, umm never mind
3394331
Also, don't worry; I think you'll like the fix; as Fluttershy would say: You're... Going to LOVE THIS
3394341Might want to work on your hooker a bit
3394371
Oh? Please elaborate.
3394380
I guess you could say it feels rushed. What you have published is more along the lines of a first or second draft instead of your finished product.
My suggestion is the most annoying and tedious one you will ever hear but here it is. Start a blank document and start rewriting it from memory and adding anything that pops in your head . After you have rewritten it act like that is your rough draft and pretty it up. Typically this second document will be longer and more organized since you already know what you want to happen in that chapter (My college essays had the same problem before I was taught to do this)
The main problem is your telling the story instead of showing us the story
Also you can repeat this process until it is as good as you want it to be
3394437
I see. Thank you for the advice; I'll consider this. A complete and total re-writing of all my currently-published content would take more time than I have to spare tonight, and nI'm working for the weekend; so I'll consider doing this at some point.
Out of curiosity; what exactly do you find to be rushed? Is there a lack of detail or am I simply putting the cart before the horse at points, so to speak?
3394484 lack of details would be hitting the nail on the head
3394488
I see; and do you see this as an issue all-around or just the opening chapter?
3394496Sorry got side tracked. I see it in the first and second chapters but I have not gotten to the third yet
3394496 I can say the writing quality does go up in later chapters though
3400651
Glad you think so. Which scene did you like best?
3400727I can't pick favorites (hell I cant even decide my favorite color)